Dunno what title to put

okay, someone was telling me:

"if i hadnt known u, i wouldve thought from ur previous post tt u were quarelling with ur wife.." LOL faint. anyway, i dunno what to blog also. guess im just bored.

just now e110 was having cg at my house. haha got to fellowship with them for awhile after cg. so many funny things happened la..2 gals hitting each other's butts, one oversized dog, and one crazy girl who jumped from behind me and grabbed my neck! and i almost flew into the wall la! lol. u trying to kill me isit? then keep on pinching and poking me! i very nice to pinch and poke isit? hahaha...siao..:p

haha. also, peng just came back frm malaysia, he got some pineapple tarts and while eating i saw e 2 clowns hugging and hitting each other's butts, my pineapple tart almost flew out from my mouth la! lol!!

haha joshua damn funny, he crawled like a dog while sliding his knee cus he was wearing shoes..then fangfang screamed..haha. omg! anyway, ya..those crazy days with crazy people haha. so fast..m_m

time really flies when ure having fun. when ure down it seems life drags itself for eternity..

TO INFINITY, AND BEYOND!

lame O_O

Thoughts

was thinking abt yesterday then this thought came to me, "...is good for nothing but to be thrown and trampled underfoot by men.."

you tink im angry? nope. you think im rebellious. if u think that way, i cant do anything. u tink i purposely wanna offend u with deep and intense intention? no.

im not angry, i have no intention of hurting and i have no intention of offending. im just HURT! "what do u want me to do?" i dont need you to do anything. i just want you to be there. dont u realise u mean more to me than just what you do?

dont u realise u mean more to me than what you say. i can have a mute friend, i can have a friend who's physically challenged, but i cant have someone who disappears when i need them the most. just ask yourself, is there even one time i said no to you?

ohhhh, so the 'hurt is hurting' eh? im a hurting hurt? or a hurted hurting? you see? it doesnt make sense right? EXACTLY!

havent u forgotten what u learned in e marriage series? is anger all u see? is the surface all u see? thats why i dont get angry. because i know how shallow you can be! if i get angry, u wont see im hurt..you wont even KNOW im hurt. you just assume, you just feel, you just claim!

is there one time i walked away from you? you are my friend not because you earned or deserved it, you are my friend not because you did something..although thats one of e factors. ure my friend because i CHOOSE to. ure my friend because u have the CHARACTER of a friend.

i dont go for people with a big mouth or a big hand..i go for people with a big HEART! people who live by feelings and experience can only know me to a certain limit. but a friend who lives by revelation is closer to me.

if u cant face me..i cant do anything. just dont get face cramp! just think. uve hurt me so many times, how did i manage to face u again? u cant face some you hurt. but i can face someone who's hurt me! theres a big difference there! i can face an 'enemy' and u cant face a 'victim'? what is that!

when im wrong, im not afraid to say im wrong. when i mess up, im not afraid to say i have and i try my best to patch things up. you? all you do is run away. dont trip and fall!

i seriously cant stand people who dont wake up your idea..neither can i stand people with stinking thinking. i know my weaknesses. and i dont curse God for making me this way. i know your weaknesses, and i live with it and love and accept u for who u are.

have i ever complained? no. even right now im not complaining. neither am i nagging. im SPEAKING directly to you! i dont just tell you what i think or what i feel. i tell you what is TRUE! what did Jesus do when he saw a problem with the scribes? He confronted them!

I can be a meh-meh lamb, but i can be a lion if i need to. furthermore, i dont think uve seen me verbally say those things. neither do i think you want to.

PS:

this post is not directed at anyone. I just let God speak to whoever He wants.

PM, Whats going on

PM was good. after the encounter last night..i just felt so ready.

something happened along e way though.

the train kept on stopping like between every station, i got kinda pissed which i VERY SELDOM do cus i didnt wanna be late, and that was it.

the past few days ive been sleeping for not more than 3-4hrs a day, with tests and assignments given to us on monday only! among many other things and stuff..every night had a friend to counsel and encourage, to lend a listening ear even though it was 3am-4am in e morning.

yet i availed myself. i was there to lend a listening ear, to be his/her comforter and encourager and strength. BUT..

dun feel bad for keeping me awake k? :D on the contrary, i had encounters with God and i enjoyed myself and i treasured every moment of it, it may be late in e morning, but i never regretted a single second of it! =)) its not just one person, i know im talking to many of u whom i talked to like 3-4am haha. cheers :D

for those who read my blog..i just wanna clarify things abt what happened today. and u can imagine. EVERY day, 3-4hrs sleep, night counselling, quiet time, late night encounters with God along with the stress of sch, friends, etc. PLUS bottled hurts, etc. ALL IN ONE. everyday..and u dont see my get angry..not once.

i may have supernatural capacity to be smiling all the time, enduring everything..but i tell u..deep down..im still human. theres still a limit no matter how far i could take myself. if u havent been offended by me, sooner or later u will. i can prophesy to u abt it :x

and today, the train incident just came at the wrong time..its towards e end of the day, the end of e week, its when im e most worn out. and i just lost it.

just imagine a cup full of water. what happens if u put an ice cube in it? it spills right? its only during service that i get to empty that cup and recharge myself. and it "JUST SO HAPPENED" that my cup had already been full even before friday. thank God for no lessons on friday. i can finally take a break.

i just have something to confess..and i really dont care how u view me after this. im gonna be transparent and openly vulnerable to u.

My confession:

im tired.
im worn out.
everytime when im down,

im the only one to pick myself up.
everytime i fall,

its always just me, and i had to get up myself.

with God of course.

when im down, i have no one to share it with.

i dont want to be a burden to u.
i dun feel comfortable if u were to be carrying my burden.
i just feel bad abt it.
everytime u see me refreshed, its just God and me.
there wasnt anyone there to pick me up.

no one who talked me out of it.

for those who look up to me..
i just cant bring myself to show u e weaker side of me.
everytime i put on a strong front.
even when im down and broken, i still encouraged.
even when im depressed, i still bring faith, hope, love.
when ure in a position where people look up to u,

its hard to show ur weakness.
there are only a few who are 'above' me whom i can share with
then again, they have their own problems.
and i dont wanna make things worse for them.

i show myself strong, but deep down im weak.
i show myself happy, but deep down im broken.
i show myself having fun, but deep down im lonely.
all because i want you to be happy.
all because you mattered to me more than my own life.
all because i love you more than i love myself.

e420, u matter to me more than anything.
e420, without u, i am nothing.
e420, u are e reason i live.
e420, u are e reason i laugh.
e420, u are the reason i sing.
e420, u are the reason i give.

im doing my best.
yet i failed to be there for everyone.
yet i failed to make everyone happy.
there's only so much i could do.
im sorry i couldnt do more.
im sorry that i can only sacrifice so much.
i wanna do more.
i wanna sacrifice more.
i wanna give more of my life.

but ive nothing now..ive given my best.
ive given my everything.
there's nothing left i could give..
im sorry..

Imeem, Love, God

okay, ill start with imeem. they just changed the entire system. Artists and record labels have now somehow managed to strike a deal with imeem to play their songs for only 30 seconds. wth. its like most songs i hear, in fact, almost every song is now 30 sec!! graah. time to switch hosts. haha. if u guys cant hear the full song must let me know..;)

okay, last nite was chatting on msn. we were talking and sharing about nightmares, 'bad night experiences', and spiritual warfare. we were okay so we started sharing. and i remember, as a young believer, in my 1st - 2nd year, i would have these encounters. and now looking back, it was all a 'prank' by 'someone' who's obivously jealous/pissed off haha..if u get 'attacked' just know that its because 'he' knows ure gonna be someone great..:D

and so, we started sharing..and there were a few moments i felt i shld stop because it was getting 'scary' haha. and she's a young believer and i felt weird just throwing everything like that. i dunno why, but i did.

and the strange but amazing thing is..in e midst of all the spiritual warfare and nightmares thingy, God showed up and i dont know how He did it but i had an encounter. and she had an encounter to. its like..ure talking abt something rather 'scary' and all of a sudden everything changes..and i believe when i shared how God saves me from my 'terrible nights'..indeed during lastnight, He proved Himself that He saved, He saves and He will continue to save ;)

i used to listen to this song when i was young, My Everything by 98 Degrees. back then, it to me, it was a love song..and i believe they are an amazing pop artiste. but as i became a believer and out of curiousity i decided to check out e lyrics..and its amazing what you see now, compared to what you see before u knew God. this song was more than just a love song..to me..it was worship :D just take a look at the lyrics..what do you see, WHO do you see? :D

My Everything - 98 Degrees

The loneliness of nights alone
the search for strength to carry on
my every hope has seemed to die
my eyes had no more tears to cry
then like the sun shining up above
you surrounded me with your endless love
Coz all the things I couldn't see are now so clear to me

You are my everything
Nothing your love won't bring
My life is yours alone
The only love I've ever known
Your spirit pulls me through
When nothing else will do
Every night I pray
On bended knee
That you will always be My everything

Now all my hopes and all my dreams
are suddenly reality
you've opened up my heart to feel
a kind of love that's truly real
a guiding light that'll never fade
there's not a thing in life that I would ever trade
for the love you give it won't let go
I hope you'll always know

You are my everything
Nothing your love won't bring
My life is yours alone
The only love I've ever known
Your spirit pulls me through
When nothing else will do
Every night I pray
On bended knee
That you will always be
My everything

You're the breath of life in me
the only one that sets me free
and you have made my soul complete for all time
(for all time)

You are my everything (you are my everything)
Nothing your love won't bring (nothing your love won't bring)
My life is yours alone (alone)
The only love I've ever known
Your spirit pulls me through (your spirit pulls me through)
When nothing else will do (when nothing else will do)
Every night I pray (I pray)
On bended knee (on my knee)
That you will always be
My everything
Oh my everything

as i began to sing this song to the One who loves, the one who saves..i felt the presence of God all over me. my eyes were wet and it felt as if God was touching my head. man, to worship God is one thing, to serve God is one thing..but to LOVE God is a totally different thing. and when that love becomes romance..you just feel that ure so close to Him, and ur relationship is definitely strong!

what she said made sense to me that night..this song is not just about me singing to God, God is romantic too..she told me that actually, God is singing this song to me as well. ohhh i was so touched..haha..after she said that God's presence flooded my again and i teared again. When u say to God, 'ure my everything', it feels good. but when God says to u, "ure My everything", u just cant help but to melt..:D

i dont want to lose my first love. i remembered the first time i walked down during the altar call. those words i said to God and all my dreams and desires, things I wanna do for Him. i remembered the first time i met God, the first time i fell in love with Him.

and in my spirit i was imagining, me and God holding hands walking by the nice beautiful beach with pure white sands and crystal blue waters..i just didnt want to sleep..haha but i had to. it was 4am and i have sch e next day. i remember lying on my bed hugging my bolster..haha..

and smiling myself to sleep :p

Jogging

woohoo finally after my 'rust cleaning' runs, i finally extended my jogging route. instead of 2.5 rounds round my street..just now i jogged from my house, past pioneer mall, 243 route to the kopitiam opp church, then 179 route back :D

okay, nothing much to blog also..haha..this is totally random =.=

PM tmr..rush rush rush! lol.

Test

okay, the test wasnt that bad..and i kinda panicked when i woke up 15min late today..and i thought ill miss the test, only to remember that the test is in the evening..phew haha.

been feeling shagged lately..over many things. some of which i dun wanna talk abt. when people do things that make u feel a certain way, its okay. but if it seems as if its repeating all over again, then its very hard to forget.

haha was playing with the mic on msn with 'panda' last night lol..no, it shld be TOL haha..shhhhh *4-fingers. xP

and today in class i got a new nickname, thats right..

im officially a hamster, cus my hair looked like hamster the colors and all..haha..RAWR! and i didnt know my class had a guy named Eunice..haha..okay i better not talk abt it..later he kill me. haha.

sometimes i just feel, 'out there' the stress is lesser, and for some reason im a happier person..just a thought..lol.

now to chiong IMGT test and assignment due monday! woooo..studying makes me happy! LOL. okay, im going nuts. actually, yes..i am going nuts..NO WAIT, i AM nuts. haha.

"I want my melon seeds!" - stupid yiwen mosquito! hahaha.."Ham-Ham" somemore huh..ROFL

okay, back to my jogging routine..monday it was raining i didnt get to jog, and yesterday was shagged no energy..no, cannot procrastinate anymore.

FOR MY BODY!!!

haha..lame =.=

Open up the doors

they always say, praise is the language of faith.

and this song really kicked my butt haha..when i was down that is. thank God for friends that challenge my limits and make me have no choice but to be stronger..haha.

even though it was a misunderstanding but i can always learn something from it. they say misunderstandings break friendships, but for me, i say it makes us stronger and wanna excel more in every area of our lives.

thank God for the strength, thank God for the grace, thank God for the anointing and His presence and power, because i was able to keep the friendship going despite everything. and therefore, it proves people wrong haha..that when ur friendship is strong, there is nothing that can break it apart. :D

with man, it is impossible, but with God, ALL things are possible! =)

Memories

"ahahhahahaaaha", "I cant stop laughing", are words that i cant seem to get off my mind..

it was like pouring salt onto a helpless baby snail..it felt as if there was a bait luring me all along..

i hate to say this..but i felt used and cheated. its like saying, "your entire salvation was a fluke", "huh, ure life transformation is all fake", "all those moments you had with God, didnt really happen, they're all fake", etc.

ive never offended anyone..its always the other way round. u remember the story of Betsy the cow? im just like the cow. met an accident. broke its leg. while limping trip and fell and pierced its eye. then got knocked by a car cus eyesight was impaled, so on..

one after another, it just keeps coming. yet have i ever lost my cool? have i ever gotten angry? never. i was more hurt than angry and u know im someone who does not have retaliation in my dictionary. i just accept whatever comes my way..

its like taking a lego piece..fixing and dropping, fixing and dropping, sooner or later the lego pieces wont 'stick' anymore. ive been dropped, fixed, dropped, fixed many times..and like they always say, its e people closest to you that will hurt u e most..

if uve not offended or hurt or broken my heart before, one day you will. i can prophesy to you!

yet why do i still keep those friendships? its because last time i loved hurting others..now after my conversion, i have the strength to endure the hurts of others. people have sent me into the dark pit of depression many times..but i still befriend them..why? its God, taking a broken life and transforming it..

i told myself before, ill never hurt others..if it were to be, id rather suppress it and hurt myself. im someone who hardly expresses anger. in fact, i cant rem the last time i showed a face or shouted at anyone. when im hurt, i always keep quiet..

like a lamb being led to the slaughter. whenever i see Jesus and His attitude, i wanna be like Him. i wanna be able to take all the insults and hurts, all the mockery all the pain that people around me inflict on me..and yet have the strength to lay down my own life for them..to encourage them when they're down, to give them strength when they are weak..

thats what its all about. "wah, ure trying to be Jesus huh?" YES I AM! thats the whole point! did He say anything when people spat on Him? no. did He say anything when He was accused wrongly? no. did He say anything when He was scourged and nailed? yes. "forgive them for they do not know what they do."

that is why when people hurt me. and i dont retaliate. because at the end of the day, the last man standing wins..

just like how God became i true friend to me, i wanna do the same. i wanna be someone who gives people room to make mistakes. to love them not just for strengths, but to be able to accept their weaknesses..

enlarge my capacity..

Replay

ever felt ure losing everyone in ur life?
ever felt people will be happier without you?
ever felt your existence makes no difference?

for some reason its happening again..

i only hope it doesnt affect my studies and make me end up in yr5 like last sem..
or make me think stuffs like:

leaving church/change cg or leave cg altogether..

ive nothing left. i poured out my last drop..itll all be over soon..
that which ive held on to..is gone..

Random

okay, i finally got a new mouse! yay! lol.

yes..my pervious mouse..which was supposed to be 'new' died on me after one month of purchase :S the LED dieded lol. anyway..got my new mouse with retractable USB cable for half price..cus its some special offer only for this wk being the first wk after the mid sem break :D

oh wells..still got long way to go..

haha tink i can just forget abt e entire movie outreach thingy..its not for me. ill just come on tt day, serve and itll be over in no time..

seriously..dont ask me anything about it anymore..i dun care and i cant be bothered. k thx bye.

Rant

graah so mad..

just now at clementi interchange got this woman..she stand right in front of the door. nvm. she go into e train first..then she stand at the doorway again..and theres this really big space behind her la..

can u at least move in and be more considerate? i tried to squeeze through cus behind me got like 6 other people and she gave me that look. wa lao eh..u think u got big boobs i scared u isit!

u think ur big boobs is for u to zhoteng the doorway isit! HELLO??? if i were in the flesh id cut those off, carve it into huge bowling balls and throw it into the drain! *drips with blood..

then throw you onto the track to have ur limbs sawn off by the train wheels..SLOWLY!

i dun even see why i shld get angry over some senile and fugly aunty cum taitai. only think of yourself. of course i kept quiet.

i thought back to the incident when (i dunno why its always ladies or aunties or taitais), put the frigging bag on the seat. your bag got butt isit? or is that your butt? cus u have no butt? hurhur..not to mention LATs (ladies-aunties-taitais) who sit on the outer seat of the chair..

like some cheh-meh (chairman) like dat. hurhur..

your boobs so big u can zhoteng the door isit?
your butt so big you can take up e whole chair isit?

u want me take my that one and zhoteng the door???
u want me take my that one and occupy 2 seats???
stuff it into your mouth then you know!
thank God my that one not as big as your mountains and valleys!

arrrrrrgh!!! i seriously need to sleep..im losing myself..

see la..stupid lao ah ma..(she prob looked 30-40+), spoil my mood, now no mood to go jogging..if i went for the drama rehearsal i confirm explode one i tell u..go for what? be decoration?? no thanks! id rather use my that one to do the makarena!!!

School, Random

lesson today wasnt too bad..first day of school and u are informed that there will be a test on wed. WONDERFUL. lol. having my usual 3hr break now..

actually im kinda relieved that assignment i was supposed to submit..

ACTUALLY didnt need me to submit before my break! wahaha. i can submit anytime before the exam. OMG..faint. haha.

and campus network sucks lol..id rather leech from an external connection with 1-2 bars of signal strength, than to use a sch wireless network with full signal strength. O_O

anyway, dozed off halfway just now..haha. slept at 4am last nite LOL. was chatting and playing with my mic on msn haha. too bad i no webcam :S

got piglet, got panda..got pinky..

man..im a weirdo living a weird life, full of weird people..hahaha..

the NP library 4th floor has become a LANshop LOL! so many ppl CSing. i miss those sec sch days at e lanshop :S i wanna reinstall..haha so that i can join some random person's game and knife them :PP not bad..got to know one new guy in class through assignment.

at least im not e only 4th yr student around..haha..*phew.

ps kong was right..haha..when u only slept for so 'long', ur flesh becomes strong. haha..shagged, tired..random, and sometimes my thoughts will just wonder off..lol. cmon, dont look at me like im a spotless robot..im still human right? haha..esp when you have people all around you..its so easy to get distracted..X_X lol.

1.5hrs more..and the last lesson 4-6, is a movie module..haha..

PI class on monday, we just watch movie. then on wed answer a few questions on ethics, philosophy, etc and blog. haha. its e only module i enjoy LOL. wireless is still okay for me, just that im lagging behind.

oh wells..will try to blog again tonite..heh..

Serving

okay, ill sum up what happened last night...

i was deeply in love with God for almost 3 hrs...an intimate moment for me...

kneeling in tears..with hands lifted high..and for the first time in many years, i fell prostrate before God..thankful, in love..i didnt want to leave that moment. it was a kairos moment for me, a divine encounter..

i just worshipped, loved and had an intimate encounter till my whole body had no more energy in me..and in tears, tears of joy, tears of love..i slept like a baby that night hugging my bolster as if it were God..as if i was sleeping on Jesus' lap like a baby..

i slept for 2-3hrs woke up, for my ministry..and i was actually late for abt 45minutes..but thank God when i reached sound check had just started. i was really tired..but God gave me the strength and the grace to serve from 7plus to 3pm plus in e afternoon.

and sound and lighting celebrated me and colin's bdae. i wasnt really expecting that..haha i was stunned. but it was great. thanks for the gift.

and somehow i just felt God saying:

"Happy birthday andrew! I may not be early, but im never late. Im always on time."

and really..this year's birthday is the best so far! more than just the gifts which im deeply thankful for..God met up with me in my room and celebrated my birthday with me last night i feel. it may be belated for its okay..=))

thank you Jesus, for making me the happiest person on earth.
thank you Jesus, for all the love.
it felt as if all the love ive sown for Him, came back to me a hundredfold last night. :DD

Jesus, i want Your birthday to be special too. but i dont know how to celebrate it with You. You've done so much for me. but even though i have nothing..the greatest gift i can give You on Your birthday this christmas..will be my life, my all :))

maybe one day together we can celebrate the day i met You :)) our 'wedding anniversary' haha..but God i kinda forgot which day was it :S do You mind reminding me? haha..cus its a very special day for me ^^

oh man..im so deeply, madly in love with You..haha..

Falling

Falling..

at my bed..

as my eyeballs..

fades awayyyy..

okay, very tired..only slept 2hrs plus..will blog again later..lol.

What can I say..

service was awesome. sermon was real meat, but im glad God is raising up a new generation of people who are not only modern and progressive and excellent, but at the same time, living a right life and spiritual at the same time.

tmr serving..gotta wake up at 5. thank God for the manpower change, if not i wouldnt be able to be inside e hall :p

during fellowship..felt a bit left out again..i wanted to run home again. everytime they talk about the drama. everytime they talk about Movie Madhouse. i just cant help but to feel so far away..i just sat there..and slowly..i fell into a slight depression..all of a sudden..

im someone who cant be left alone for periods of. when im alone, my mind moves very quick. i was listening to this song..that was sung during one of e finale during emerge back in jurong west days..teared just flowed..and those tears were hot..my face started burning..

it continued flowing for 5minutes plus. so much..like rivers..even more than during service..it wasnt just tears..it was deep calling to the deep, it was weeping..almost wailing..and in just 4minutes..i received healing and was instantly set free from depression. as i remembered the first time i said to God, I love You.

and i remembered i was there during the meeting..i remembered i was there kneeling before God in tears..how can love be so great? how can God so big, live in a person like me. i knelt there in tears..i didnt know what to say. tears kept flowing..yet there were no words i could say to God.

im sorry? there's so many things ive done wrong..
thank you? there's so much to thank..

God..whatever happens..never let go of my hand..
Im happy just kneeling at Your feet..
Nothing else matters..
Because all I have is You..

You mean everything to Me..
My First love..forever You will be..
My first breath, You're the life in me..

I will hold Your hand and You hold mine..
Together..there is nothing we cannot do..
All my life, i give to You..

CREDITS

Pohchoo - for the song
Shi Ting - for the nice gift

UPDATED

God dont let Your presence depart from me..
I wanna feel this way all the days of my life..
Forever feeling Your tangible touch..
Forever in love with You..

You will never leave me nor forsake me..
Now its my turn to do the same..
God, i may not be perfect..
But I still love You nonetheless..
And I will try my best, never to grieve You again..

Just as how You've put a smile on my face..
I will put a smile on Yours..
God, I want to hold Your hand..
God, I want to hug You..
God, I want to kiss You..
Because You mean everything to me..

As i lay on my bed..I hugged my bolster tightly..as if it was God..
Tears kept flowing..God, I really want to touch and hug You..
I can never love You enough nor thank You enough for what Youve done in my life..

God i dont have much..im not as smart, im not as talented..but You can still use me. i am willing. i am available. for You..im willing to give my all..

Super long random update post!

just came back frm another midnight jog..haha.

i just love to be alone at night. jogging where hardly anyone sees lol. i find today's jog quite fun. even though i was alone yet i wasnt lonely. i was talking to God while i jogged, praying, joking, and e presence of God came..lol..how wonderful is that? :))

and the track was so empty, and the basketball court..after my jog, during cool down id so the usual stuff then walk a few rounds to cool down, and being alone on e track at night..i just felt the liberty to pray in e spirit as i paced round the track..no one looked, no one heard..it was just a great time..=)

im praying really hard that everytime i jog alone at night, God will always show up, and i will have encounters not just in church, not just in e marketplace..but in e most mundane of things..such as jogging! i really believe i can encounter Him =) i have before anyway..haha i just want more :D

just like how God always shows up when i shower..often when im alone and in a quiet solitary place, im sure He will be there with me when i jog :D cus im not thinking much, my body has come to e end of itself, God's strength is made perfect in weakness..haha..^^ okay, e last statement was just a random..lol..but itll be nice to believe that way :D

haha i just hope i can sleep soon..cus im a bit high now..haa and its 2 plus in e morning :P anyway, i was laughing real hard at kexin's msn statement:

ur mama so fat, she used my bicycle chain as necklace. ok i tried.

LOL! hai, u know some of u might not be laughing..im high wad..O_O and somehow i have a feeling someone is thinking "why is andrew suddenly jogging for? he trying to impress girl isit?"

haha i dunno..if God reveals to me then i have nothing to say..lol. just ask those who are close to me, they will know sometimes i just know things..haha..cus God is my teammate :p

i can tell a person's motives just by his/her eyes..and i can feel e person's emotions just by their texts/words. i dunno but i tink its God's gift for me and i will treasure it. thats what makes us believers different because we have God on our side :) and thats how it should be. when people try to cheat, we know. when people have hidden motives, we know. when people are living a double life, we know.

no matter how hard you try to hide, because I have God who knows all things and since He is my friend and im thankful He's so close to me, He can choose what He wants to reveal to me :P

sometimes i know things..but i just keep quiet. haha..just like how lovers like to keep secrets..thats how it is between me and God..sorry..too bad..hahaha..XD

its not e same as gossip..a gossip breaks and stirs..whereas secrets reveal and draw people..with true intentions of course. i mean, im really thankful..to have God so close to me is never easy. just ask my cg how much hell i went through..but i was willing..

i dared to do whatever it takes so that i could get close to God..its during those moments of depression, those moments of failure that God is closest to me..and He is a good storywriter. your life may be a battle now..but if God is your author AND finisher..that im sure your ending will always be better than your beginning!

i dont care what book your life is in..i dont even care if ure going through gd times or bad times..what matters is not the book..but the one who writes the book. what matters is not the type of airline..what matters is the pilot that drives it!

you know what a fool is..a fool is like someone whos carrying a haversack..and theres an empty bench in front of him. He chooses to stand, carrying his haversack..and complains! thats how so many people are like! wake up your idea! If God doesnt mind carrying your burden, let Him carry! why struggle like a person as if u have no life? im amazed how God is able to tolerate all your nonsense when i cant..

its like He's stretching out His hand and you are so foolish enough not to take it. you wanna carry your own burdens go ahead. nothing will change. dont expect things to change with time..time changes nothing!

you cant change time, you cant borrow time, you cant extend time..

you can only USE time! uhh, so ure going through a tough time..what are u doing about it? the worse thing you can do is nothing. the worst thing you can say is nothing.

note that all these is not directed to anybody. i just feel someone needs to hear it. i dont know who..let God decide.

like i said, i really dont know how i ended up typing all that. i just felt moved to type it..it suddenly stirred up inside of me.

You can choose to be a daydreamer or a dreamaker.

UPDATED

oh ya, on thurs night after the combined cg PM, i had dinner at home. everyone's asleep so i heated up my own food. then while i was eating halfway a cockroach dropped in e floor in front of me..and i heard the 'click' sound! OMG la..i quickly go take the Baygon and spam full auto until it died LOL!

if i had a lighter id place it in front of e Baygon lor..flamethrower! muahahahaha!!! lol. okay, adrenaline still in me :S i was hungry just now and i ate one loaf of garlic bread! haha. okay la..not too heavy.

speaking of spiritual senses..i was talking to Jolene just now..her DP was her next to a balcony..so being the lameman i am, i msged:

aiyooo! dont jump! haha..

then 'coincidentally' her previous nick was something something i tink im gonna jump. so she was asking me if i saw her msn statement change. i said no. then i told her i was referring to her pic and she went: CHEY! haha, cus she was replying, "no la..i never jump". but the interesting thing is..i didnt see her pervious nick..haha. and it coincided so well.

then shortly after i was talking to her abt gatsby thing..BUT THEN..

okay, to cut e long story short. everyone where i go:

"i...can give you..gatsby..."

sian arh!! LOL..so i msged her:

"I...can give you...

...

BANANA!!!!"

and another amazing thing happened. her mum wanted her to eat banana or something and my lameness came as a reminder. How cool is that! 2 in a row...haha guess when im high my spiritual senses are also 'hightened" hahah..no such word but u get what i mean LOL.

if jianhao comes to my blog and gatsby one more time im gonna kill him! hahahaha...:PP

6 CG Combined PM @ Riverwalk

it was great. lots of last minute changes but im glad God showed up. =) after that e cg had their rehearsals and such, dry runs, etc. for the upcoming movie madhouse. where every cg was to come up with a short skit and stuff. haa.

anyway, ever wondered how it feels like when ur whole cg is having fun doing something and u just feel as if ure being excluded? :S nvm i guess..shant talk abt it..lol

after PM and all werent able to have dinner with cg as i had given everything into the offering. took the train with joycelyn. while waiting rhonda appeared haha. so e 3 of us took e train home. i was telling them how come we reached Clementi so fast, then i realised its bcos we took the EW line from outram and not tanah merah haha..

no cg on friday sure feels weird. just as weird as e first time we moved to sat svc, the feeling that sunday ure at home and stuff..lol.

anyway..definitely looking forward to svc tmr..heh.

Missed

miss those days where we would queue as a whole cg. at jurong west.

miss those days where i would attend 6 services.

miss those days we had altarcall/ministry/prayer session and laying of hands after every service.

miss those days where we could fellowship after svc from 1pm till 9pm, having lunch, dinner, chillout at JW cafe/kopitiam/town area + movies together as a cg.

miss those days we had a mini prayer group at someone's house during the weekdays.

miss the closeness and unity

miss the jurong west sunday morning service. i remembered singing this song..among many others, ill take turns to play them one by one..

miss the atmosphere there

miss the passion

miss the first love...

I want them back!


PS:


for some reason my night seems quiet as someone is in malaysia..hahahaha..

awww LOL. oh wells gotta go for combined cg PM now..thanks QY for e gift lol. ciao.

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Updated:

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Midnight jogging

finally a long waited update! hahaha..couldnt go for liz's bdae. so sorry. everyone's doing e gatsby thingy..feels as if im so far away..:S anyway..

oh yes, ive finally done something, yes i jogged today, my midnight jog :D instead of sitting around the premises waiting for the promises. even so, the promises are already given..haha..

okay, lame..anyway..this is my first jog in like 6months plus? hahaha..and i must say ive rusted to half my capacity :S lol..oops.

anyway, i always pray before i jog. this time..God pulled a prank on me..haha. anyway, i choose to jog at night becos u dont have people eyeing u all e time, esp if ure a slow runner..hahaha.

i was doing my usual runs and at e end, i would do my little cool downs. and walk my way home. then as i was walking, i heard the rustling of leaves..then i heard some sounds..i thought the leaves were sweeping against the floor..but no..it started drizzling. i was thinkin, eh, how come i suddenly perspire alot..hahaha..X_X

and man, my cool down was really a cool down..soon it started pouring all of a sudden like mad! and i was like drenched in 10 seconds LOL!!! graah..aiya already drenched might as well walk home..enjoy my childhood memories haha..

cant rem e last time i walked in e rain like that. :( oh wells, someone deprived childhood ma, haha. :S anyway..it was kinda fun LOL. i was literally dripping my way home la..m_m

after a quick shower. as i wiped my hair with a towel, all of a sudden i smelt the hair dye frm my hair..omg its still there? haha. it must have reacted with e chlorine. :S did my hair just become more bleached? hahaha..just a little chlorine only right? :S

anyway, many things happening..ti-momo is back, and shi-tingting is going to some so-called ulu place in msia. lol. and this fri no cg, but got 6 cgs combined PM on thurs at riverwalk. burden, burden..stress stress..by the end of the year..at least one..arrgh!

i think ill go bang my head on a pillow and hope i die hahahahaha..okay nvm..ignore my paika-ness, its the endorphins reacting LOL. yup..hormones tt make u high and increase pain tolerance, etc, etc. endos are released when u exercise, in chocolates, and a LOT more when ure having a 'good night' wahahaha..okay lame..but its true!

tts why when ure running ur 2.4km, if u have a small cut/scratch on ur leg, u wont feel pain..only after the run, when u sit down and look at ur leg..then u start feeling e pain. okay, i sound like some lecturer here..i..shall not go into endos in xxx hahaha..

anyway, wenrui sent me this link of a newspaper article of a girl who ripped off a guy's balls with her bare hands and attempted to swallow it! how gross is that! i was eating my dinner la! LOL. i mean..so eww la..the *ahem is inside and her hand is outside..how on earth..URRGH..for those interested, e article is HERE

guess ill end off here with some pics..hahaha..


this was taken last sunday, when my family had a dinner to celebrate fathers' day and my belated bdae. :) this was taken at e top of jurong hill, or whatever its called. its a chain of restaurant plus a watchtower (sheesh, i sound like some command n conquer game LOL..fine, viewing tower :P) in e same building at e top of e hill XD

e last time we ate there, my family ate at this jap/chinese restaurant where ull order the food and the chef will cook it in front of u. so cool, the smells..yummy! and in this pic, ure looking at the night view of the causeway to Jurong island :D


and this is a picture of my baby tiger..given to me when i was 6yrs old..haha..sadly, its e biggest softtoy in my childhood collection :S shi-tingting was showing me her guigui..haha..i dunno what to call this..

erm..tig-tig? hahahaha! ^.O

last but not least..ladies and gentlemen, i present to you..


The ultimate goon! Wahahaha xP

See? i looked so refreshed after my jog! haha. ^^ (erm, except for my dry lips :S need drink water..)

Service

service was a bit erm..different today..haha..

but waiting for 1.5hrs for ps kong, cus he met into flight problems and all that, waiting 1.5hrs for the word of God was definitely worth it. one word, and ur life will never be e same. learned how much our humanity meant to God. ive never seen it that way, it was a totally new revelation for me :)

and one of e songs, e same thing happened to me during cg..lol..im thankful i stared into adam's eyes and not bro Poh's haha.

Jesus is not ashamed of our human nature. He didnt even want to leave His humanity even after His ascension. now i know how much God understands what im going through. the thing that touched me the most was how God, when He finds us similar to Him, He is interested in us and longs to talk to us, to fellowship with us, etc.

i was so moved. i almost teared as i realised how much God loved me and how much i meant to Him :D wells, had my first Movie Madhouse briefing with 6 CGs today. "MADHOUSE!!!" lol..lame! haha. anyways..

yea..cg celebrated my bdae, thanks. and thanks STing for all the 'publicity' haha. wo bei mo le. LOL. and thx to all those who posted comments on my tagboard and friendster haha..loves <3

well..after svc, met up with STing for e first time. lol. was looking out for her when a walking red traffic light came towards me..hahaha...OH NOES! i think i better hide myself now! haha.

okay okay, i kinda liked ur hair color..i was stunned cus i didnt noe u dyed ur hair LOL. nvm..hahaha. i was e walking orange traffic light before so it makes no difference haha..walked and chatted to expo stn. she left for the chalet which i know ure glad its over..haha

while me and my cg went to airport bk with e406. man..one meal can make me pregnant! haha. laughed so much i almost had a miscarriage LOL. saw the mechanical cinth there..wahaha. lol. anyway, tricia became an ice block and i really wanna take this time to congratulate pow wee for trying his best...even though he didnt make it but lets encourage him yea? hhahahahaaaa..:PP

thank God i didnt miss the last train! lol.

on e way home, i shut down during e train ride. Thad, we'll keep u in prayers ;)

Happy Birthday to me.

Hmm a good question to ask today would be..

What does my birthday mean to me?

For me, its not about the day i was born..

To me, my birthday is the day God said:

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go forth and bear fruit, and that your fruit shall remain."

Its the day God said:

"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things I've commanded you, and lo, I am with you, even to the end of the age."

I will go, where you want me to go.
I will do, what you want me to do.
Take all of me, in exchange for all of You.

Celgrp

cg was great. and like pam and adam once said to me, there's a first time for everything. haha. yes i flopped Running After You..LOL and i tink adam's like "im running after you" now..lol.

ive played wrong chords before, wrong plucks before, this is e first time, i played a wrong sequence..haha..he looked at me..and i looked at him..LOL..i saw e look in his eyes, i knew this was it..lol.

oh well, ive said it before and ill say it again..the biggest mistake one can make is to think he'll never make a mistake. =) and i gave a word during cg today..so happy haha. practise makes perfect..still have to work on my hand+mouth coordination haha..other than that, i hardly stutter or stumble on words anymore :D okay, mebbe just one or two :P

play a barred song is still hard for me, partly cus i have small hands and it cramps whenever i play a song full of barred chords :S since yesterday, i had this inflammed throat. my throat itches, i wanna cough but i cant..and when i breathe in and breathe out, it feels im breathing fire O_O. the weather is killing me..lol..and my nose :S

oh well, God's timing is always right. haha..the cg message was linked with my previous post on NOT MAKING EXCUSES! haha. God and I, we are a team, hahaha..oh yeah! u shld be thankful it wasnt me preaching abt it..LOL! if not ill stir up a storm haha.

anyway, svc tmr, im excited for it :D

Random thoughts - Toughtimes

ever wondered why people are always complaining about their life?
ever wondered why people lose their emotions?
ever wondered why people are stuck in situations they cant get out of?

Of all the questions mentioned above..is there a word 'God' in it? No.

There u have it. Its not God, its people. Its you!

And some people blame God. Hello? Wake up! How can you 'claim' someone is in control of your life when you dont even know the person, when you have never surrendered to Him or given Him the FULL AUTHORITY to control your life?

Hello?? This is not theology, this is not philosophy, this is not even KNOWLEDGE! This is common sense!! Have you become so smart that uve lost ur common sense? God says give me your heart, KEEP YOUR BRAIN!

How can God move in your life when all you want is to live it yourself, for YOUR own will, for YOUR own desires. God doesnt force His way in. The same way i cant be bothered with people who cant be bothered.

Oh im feeling this, im feeling that..STOP FEELING AND START KNOWING! It doesnt say the feeling will set you free, it doesnt say the emotion will set you free, it says the TRUTH will set you free! Cmon, we all have to grow up! Dont expect God to clean your poo poo all the time. And nobody is asking u to be so stupid as to eat your own poo poo..cmon wake up!

Thats exactly what a few people i know are doing right now. They are stuck. so what? What are you doing about it? Are you gonna wallow in self pity all your life..'ohhh, im feeling down...ohhh, u guys suck...ohhh..ohhh...ohhh...'

God didnt give you a mouth to 'ohhhhhh' your life away! Your mouth is a weapon, not a reactant!!! Dont 'ohhhh' at the mountain, speak to it! 'ohhh, im tired..' STOP whining! when ure 9 and u whine, ure cute. when ure 19 and u whine, ure GROSS!

ask yourself, what would Jesus do?

Dont live by experience, live by revelation. Im not afraid to offend. im not afraid to disciple and when i do, im really on fire. i dont just want to wake u up and u go back to sleep the next. ill make sure u stay awake!

Most of the time, how you feel is because of what happened. NOT WHAT YOU KNOW! There's a reason why your brain is bigger than your heart!

FYI: a brain is an average size of 18.5 x 14 x 13.5cm whereas an average heart size is 15 x 8 x 9cm. yes, i actually went to do my homework!

What happens when you pull out a plug from a power socket, from its source? It becomes darker, less productive, 'tired', worn out, and eventually useless and good for nothing. Even if u have battery..there's only so much you can take..you still need your Source to recharge.

Who cares what aeroplane of emotion ure flying right now? Who's flying that plane??

UPDATED

I like teddy's msn statement:

Lets do the impossible. Bcos the possible sure aint working.

oh wells, gotta prepare for cg later..ciao.

Beautiful Song

Devotion - Hillsong United

Verse 1

I've been running, trying to be one who sees
I've been working, salvation out on my knees
There is nothing better than knowing
That we are redeemed

Unbelieving trusting in creative hands,
I am praying for our world to bow to your plan
And this one thought is unmistakable
I take up my cross and follow you Lord

Chorus

When you stand the tall trees and mountains bow
When you speak the fiercest of oceans is still
And I see the sinner seek devotion
The lost become chosen, and I fall to my knees

Verse 2

Unforgiven, my savior who did not deserve death
He was blameless and I was lost in shamefulness
Undelivered, but it doesn't seem right
Unless I keep my eyes focused on the savior who gave his life

In the middle of a world that denies it believes
It is breaking apart at the very seams
There is one thing to be alive for
And it's to take up my cross and follow you Lord

Bridge

I will take up my cross and follow Lord where you lead me
And I will take up my cross and follow wherever you go

Strange dream

hmm had weird dreams last night..no Cin its not WD! haha!

ill try to vaguely remember. first one was about the end of the world or something, a meteorite is gonna crash and we were like running all over. found a space shuttle to escape to another planet. and on the spaceship many things happened..it seemed like playing Half-Life once again..haha boy i miss FPS :S

the second one was:

i was sick and i was taking some medicine. and i think it was a camp or something. i was feeling weird after taking e medicine. i remember i fainted in the room with my campmates. and they found me levitating 5 inches above the ground. or something..haiya, so random haha..

3rd one was the JP arcade. it was short cus i woke up halfway..nothing much happened..just went there saw a friend, played a few games..then i woke up.

and oh, its gonna rain!!! woo i love this weather!!! haha.

i remembered how last time i used to run in e rain lols.

*deprived childhood =P

Back

thx Cinth for e song..=)

dinner at granny's house was gd. the 2 best cooks in the world is my mum and my ah-ma :)) i miss her food. hehe. its been awhile since i went to her house to have dinner. e last time i went was like..CNY? :S

and she and ahgong blessed me in advance for my bdae a total of 100 bucks. i was reluctant. as i dont like taking people's money and ill feel paiseh and bad. but i was just so moved by those 2. i just melted. its only once a year and each time i go over..i just feel that God has blessed me with so much.

my granny's born again btw, and there's one thing i admire abt her, is that how she would go to her neighbour's place, invite them over, talk to them and somehow mentions about God in her life. im really gonna start praying, fasting and believing for my grandpa to be saved!

i just need open doors. if it has to be, its gonna be me!

went to JP after i left granny's house before reaching home. and here's something interesting that happened:

while i was playing my usual game..there's this little boy who came beside me, watched me play for awhile..then for some reason he initiated a conversation and we started chatting for awhile. and he asked me if he could play for one round, i said, sure..

and he played. he smiled. i smiled. we continued talking..asking how long he's been playing and stuff, we kinda connected i must say. haha. then after all the talking he said, could you lend me one credit to play?

i said sure. haha. and he smiled. i smiled. even if he didnt ask, id be ready to give anytime if he were to ask me :)) and so before i left, i treated him to one game for free XD i felt like the happiest person ^^

as i was walking home..i felt so convicted and God spoke to me. And all He did was to replay the scene that happened between be and that little boy just minutes ago. and the presence of God began to touch and convict me.

God didnt even have to say anything, and i knew what He was thinking. that's what intimacy is. that's how ur relationship with Him should be. that one look, and ull know the heart and intentions of Him :))

and as i walked..i was so moved and touched i almost teared. i said:

God, make me like that boy..i want what he has..

i was so in awe. i respect that boy. he was like primary school, had the cheeky playful look. and his smile brightened up my day. just by talking to him, i felt so much better, like as if stress had been lifted from me.

how many of u would actually look up to someone younger than you. i do. not just him, but practically everyone..most importantly my bro. how many of u would actually humble urself and say im sorry to someone younger than u? how many of u would actually humble urself and say, ure right, im wrong..or "there's something i can learn from you"

if u cant..then i feel sorry for you. every new generation is going from glory to glory, strength to strength, i mean, just look at our childrens' church. for all i know he could be from CHCCCH in JW. i dont know..

if u have a pride and ego so big, then ure missing out on something so important. ull be left behind. because these younger ones will be people who will succeed you and do greater things.

u know what i saw in that boy that moved me?

he had childlike faith. he wanted something and he believed he could get it if he tried. he had boldness to go for what he wanted. God, i want his childlike faith. God i want boldness that he had. many times, i believe you for many things, but im always doubtful, always fearful..i dare not go for what i wanted.

God, im sorry..take this broken heart of mine and may You be high and lifted up. just like how his smile brightened my day..when we smile, when we are happy. God smiles too. when we talk to Him, thats how we get closer! :)

and just like me, i was willing..all ready to give. just like God, He is willing to give, ready to give, if only you would ask Him!

that's what its all about. EXPERIENTIAL RELATIONSHIP.

when was the last time..you DARED to trust Him? when was the last time you DARED to ask Him? When was the last time He was your Loving Abba?

Random

will be going to bukit merah to visit my grandma and have dinner later. how random is that? haha. the weather is hot and drainy..need to drink more water..before my throat goes again. lol.

and if u have really sharp eyes, ull realise that ive changed my blog's main font theme to suit the new windows vista: Arial =))

and im using this vista look for my lappy now..:D


im just using the skin and icons, pretty much lacked the animated icontable or whatever u call it and i lack the visual effects. cmon, its just a skin. hahaha. XP

the reason why i didn put e font update on e front is because its just a small change lol..i dun tink if i mentioned anyone would notice haha.

One more thing

before i go off..haha..jus wanna say..

HAAAAPYYY BIIIIRTHDAAAY SHI TING! ^^

*clapclapclap
*pop pop pop

lols..okay a bit dramatic..haha.

Holidays are killing me

yes it is..hols are killing me, im dying of boredom..LOL.

anyway, this post isnt gonna be long.

basically what ive done e past few days was, sleep, eat, play..and occasionally, go out hang out at JP and stuff. mum was supposed to get me an office job at sentosa, but bcos i have to wait for my bro to finish some of his stuffs, i cant work yet. cus im supposed to take over him.

received some snail mails from xxx yesterday (im not gonna reveal), saying that because my bank account is now xxx, the current service will be terminated. great, it feels so horrible now..i really dont know what to do.

anyway, pam called yesterday and..really i wasnt expecting anyone to suddenly call me up like that. the only people i talk to verbally for an entire day is either my maid or my family. even so, when they are indeed around, i dont talk much either.

its like everytime someone calls me in e middle of e day or towards e end of e day, my voice will sound weird cus ive not talked the whole day. my voicebox is literally rotting itself away. and im kinda surprised to tt she asked how i was doing because most, in fact, all of the time, i have my own world of problems and no one has ever stepped in..not even my cgl. u know how was e feeling like? its as if a stranger has entered your house without you knowing..

and ure like..stunned tt kind. im not saying ure a stranger or anything..just an illustration. all my problems, ive always been there by myself, me and God tts all..and in e midst of all, i help others who are going thru a rough time as well, sometimes more than 1 person with more than 1 difficulties/challenges..

anyway, thanks pam.

sometimes i find it ironic. when i need encouragement the most, it always seems i encourage the most. when i need love the most, it always seems i love people the most. when i need faith the most, tts when i will tend to encourage and give faith to others.

and ive been informed im gonna have to solo as a soundguy for a combined (5 cgs) outreach cum meeting at riverwalk on june 30. tts like so stress man. i mean, its ok, i can cope with new situations, but a new situation of this magnitude is..something only God can pull through for me.

then plus my tests and assignments and all that..man..lol

i just realised, the stress of ministry, the stress of school, and the stress of personal life all come at the same time. arrgh damnit, i need to stop eating!

I HATE HOLIDAYS! oh wait a minute..got such thing one ah? ^.O

Stunned

was talking to this friend of mine who was feeling down and emo. then, just FYI, everytime i talk to people going through tough times i would always make a short prayer.

i always make this as my motto: What would Jesus say? What would Jesus do?

and there was one point when she wanted to say: SHUT UP!!SHUT UP!!I DUN WANNA HEAR YOU, but for some reason she didnt.

and well, God spoke to me and gave me a revelation so as always, i would type it on my msn nick. and it was:

You need to shower everyday. You need fresh food everyday.
We need new encounters daily. Dont feed on yesterday's revelation.

and she scared me. she said it was what God had been speaking to her some time ago and it came as a remembrance!

she was stunned, i was even more stunned. i seriously didnt know what God had spoken to her, i just heard from Him and i just put it on my nick as normal. nothing special happened. i didnt hear a audible voice from heaven nor see light falling on my head!

u can say: aiya, coincidence one la..

ya..everytime i pray, coincidences happen o_O hello? are u on earth? ^.O

well..earlier on before all tt incident happened, i was struggling with my daily temptations and emotions when God told me not to fall for it yet, and i didnt know why. and i obeyed. and true enough, God used me in a way that shocked me.

God and I, we formed e majority! =)

Nothing happens by chance. No one enters your life by chance. If ure in God, all things will work out for your good. And all means ALL.

anyway, i got my new mouse..yess!

Mousey

went to sembawang to meet with huixin. so funny lor..i call her ask where is she..then she say, oh walk to the 7-11, turn right then turn right again. and so i gleefully obeyed. and i found myself at the other end of the station..haha..

its rectangular what..turn right, turn right is 180 degress right? LOL

eventually i found her, and it wasnt turn right, and right, but left and straight..aiyoo hahaha..so funny la. she say she wearing red shorts sure can see one. i wanted to tell her all i see is green grass X_X

anyway, she went to someone's son to buy hair dye for her mum and some snacks for her lil cousy. ehhh, in case ure WOLS, someone's son is watson hahaha..okay nvm..LOL. helped her look around for a gd hair dye color for her mum..then bought it.

then she went to buy some canned drinks and old chang kee for her family. *Respect man. and so we got dye, snacks, drinks, and some finger food. i helped her carry those 3-4 plastic bags..haha..okay la..later someone say i no manhood LOL. of course other ppl will say im this and that, me and her, and stuff..haha i dun really care :P

anyway, we walked to her block with was kinda blueish. and her room was also blueish LOL. greeted her mum, said hi to her little 5yr old cousy haha. so cute.

helped her install adaware SE, spybot, cleared her system. initiated immunity from spyware and stuff. really it was in a disastrous state when i got there. but now its slightly better. but still not totally gone cus i realised that even though e lappy now has spyware and adware remover software, it didnt have an anti-virus. oh wells, i did my best and its not as bad as before now..

played a bit of games, watched some clips, and guess what..my puny mouse is spoilt! ahhh! lols. gotta get a new one. helped huixin install styleXP as well to customize the look/theme of her desktop. also passed her crazy taxi haha..

left her house at around 315pm. while taking e train home. i was sleepy, and i dozed off. and then when all was quiet, suddenly i heard this old aunty sneeze so loud she sounded as if she kena raped or something...

i was asleep, everything was quiet..then suddenly:

HUUUUAAAAA-CHIIUUUUUUUUU!!!!

i shoke and woke up, stunned and shocked, and the bag with e laptop i was holding on to, almost slipped off my hand and i was like..what in e world was that..and when im more 'calm' i realised she sneezed. everyone was like staring at me la..m_m

haiyo...if i got weak heart how?? u sneeze, i die? no right??? ^.O dots. lol.

Prayer meeting

ookay, 4th post today. guess what happened. after i typed the title for the post, i pressed enter out of instinct..haha..and my post published with e title and no text ROFL!

anyway, prayer meeting was good. to be surrounded by leader's is..pressurizing? haha..but its gd pressure. lols. i was literally crying out when i prayed. its been something on my heart for a long time and i really need to break through.

well i kinda felt something that stirred something within me. to be in a leaders' prayer meeting. it feels as if one day, ill be like them. its so scary, but yet, im really excited to see what God would do. :o

after PM went over to the kopitiam across..man even though i stay at boonlay, haha but i miss e food there! lols. after PM i walked with Timo to his busstop then i walked home. 30min walk. lol.
din managed to go huixin's house cus the piggy slept the whole afternoon! lol. tmr then i go. then i might be going down to pow's house to try out his new Guitar Hunter haha.

*arrgh i forgot what i wanna blog about..my mind just went blank :O

anyway, recently, up to 20 over ppl have added me LOL. sheesh. people from CHCKL, Brunei and more! haha..greetings from CHCSG! =)) so glad to know people from other countries..haha. i may not travel to brunei, but one day, in eternity, im sure to drop by and say hi..haha

so many ppl added me and if someone were to say hi to me, i wouldnt recognise then id be so embarrassed..haha. cus all of em looked e same. okay, not looked e same. haiya, how should i say it. its so embarassing..all of em looked equally beautiful? hahaha..sheesh, i cant believe i typed that.

anyway!!!! during saturday, i was on e train from boonlay to expo. then there was this boonlay cg who walked past me. then this girl suddenly waved at me..so i waved back and smiled, eh not because i was cheeky okay! i was being POLITE! O.O lol. until i realized.."err who was that ah?"

doooh FAINT!

so scary..what if this weekend someone else say hi to me..and i dont know who..ahhhh..!!!

LOL!

Thoughts + A letter to God

okay, so i looked like a clown going to sch only to realise the whole campus was literally empty except me and the cleaner. and when i left after having lunch at canteen1, it seemed e whole campus was alive again. this time, with grads.

figure out what i was thinking that time when i saw those graduates. i just dont wanna type it.

i cant stop thinking abt that test tt was screwed up, my 'A' that meant everything to me, which ended up in the thrash. everytime someone talked abt grades, everytime adam/wayne/ps kong talked about a dream..to excel in studies, i would never fail to tear..

because i realised its not gonna happen anymore..T_T

as i lay on my bed..tears just flowed. as I listened to this song.

Who am I, that You would lay down Your life for me
Who am I, that Your love for me would be so great
Im not smart, im not rich, im not talented
Why would You use someone like me?
Why did You choose me to be a celgrp guitarist?

There are others more talented
There are others more skilled
There are others more smarter,
More spiritual, more mature

Why would You freely give me Your anointing?
God, no words can express
How can a love be so great?
How can a life be so radically changed?

God, You mean everything to me
Even if I had nothing left
As long as I have You
I am complete

Why would you bless me so much?
Why would You give me the anointing
To discern so accurately?
Why would You give me the anointing
To tell a person's heart and intention so easily?

God, my life is all I have
My love for You is all I have
Take all of me, in exchange for all of You
God, sometimes I dont think I deserve
Everything You've done for me
For someone like me

But nevertheless, I will stay with You
I will lean on You
Though none will follow, I will still go
Take my hand, take my life, take my all
God, Im not perfect
God, I have many weaknesses

Yet despite what Im going through
You never failed to use me to encourage others
Even though I myself need encouragement
God, sometimes I feel so lonely
One word, my life will change
One look at Your face, my life will change

God, Im doing my best
Even when I fail, I chose to stand up
Why You might ask
Its because I love You
God, I dont want to make You sad
God, I dont want to make You angry

God, I love You
There are times I know I could love You more
God, thank You for saving me
God, thank You for giving me the chance to know You
Knowing You is the greatest thing that happened to me

Im happy just to sit at Your feet
Im happy just to be a doorkeeper of Your house
God, You are so big
God, You are so mighty

To think that the universe
Could not withold Your glory
You chose to live in me
Im so amazed

Updated

ooh..theres no school o_O

found out when i reached...AGAIN ^.O

not bad, at least yay, i can go for prayer meeting! haha.

PS: the longing for straight As is driving me nuts!

Svc, PM, BBQ

well..was talking to xin last night till around 3 plus - 4. slept for 3hrs+ woke up, went for morning svc. once again, it was awesome. and i really feel we are breaking through. after that we had a short break before prayer meeting, so we met up with e406 cus there were only like..4 of us? :S

i had one hotdog roll and one donut. basically tt lasted me for the entire day. lols. PM was just awesome, how i miss overnight prayer meetings! haha. today by right theres another PM, for church leaders, staff and so on, but its open to members as well..wanted to go, but then my sch ends at 6 and PM starts and 6.

oh wells, tink ill be goin over to xin's place to help her fix her lappy. hope i dun get lost..hahaha. sembawang :p BBQ was awesome too. got to know zack kimyip (i tink tts how its spelt lol, hes korean) and zack is from hongkong. its so gd to see ppl with different nationalities, not just in svc, but in cg as well..

it was rather stressing..as i felt my cg was overpowered by wayne's cg (it was a combined BBQ cum cg meeting). we had it at ching feng's condo around paya lebar area. the rm we used was literally a glass room by the pool side! so cool and so beautiful. its like a meeting room..but the walls are just glass panels and you look front, left, right, is the pool..so many 'fishes' haha.

we started with cg, a short one..word was gd, and when wayne preached..man, i was so overwhelmed with e presence of God. even though emerge is over, but i believe we still carry the fire. and we shld never let the fire go out.

before cg we had a short game..the squirrel and the trees. the one where u have 3 people..2 ppl will be e trees and hold hands in e air, and the squirrel will be the one in between us. and adam and wayne were 'God' haha..cus they gave e command: Fire, hunter and earthquake LOL. then i was disqualified along with another member cus we had no squirrel..^.O

he said, we were disqualified because we have lost our purpose..diao..hahaha..

after cg we had another game. something similar to taboo. we will be sticked by these stickers either on our foreheads or behind us. and throughout the day, we are not allowed to do those actions or speak those words which are on the taboo. lol. haha rhonda saboed e wrong person, u shld be powdered! wahaha :p

anyway, yea, the forfeit was powder, cream, flour and pegs lol. and so the next game was some ladder game. we had to form ladders by joining out legs with another person and stretch across the floor. the last guy would have to travel to and fro the 'ladder' to the front, grab a pingpong ball in a pail of water with his mouth and ladder back.

lol..so many funny things happened la..haha

then e next round, the ladder was changed. now we had to do an alternate sitting and place our legs together. and zack was cool he was e front guy. he had to pick up e ball from a plate of flour and place it in between his legs..then we had to pass e ball down to e end using only our legs. so funny la..haha..we all trying to push each other's legs and got many times e ball got stuck! hahaha..since we cant use our hands to touch e ball..we used our hands to grab and turn each other's legs so that the ball could roll LOL

some of us had to lift our legs while having them stuck together, to move e ball, cus e ball is not allowed to touch e floor as well. lmao. after tt was e bbq..nice sausages, chicken, satay, etc. as i lay on the bench, erm..seat..or whatever u call those stretchy things by e poolside..

as i lay there and stared at e sky..thoughts just kept on coming in. tts why whenever im left alone, my thoughts will wonder. and i began praying and talking to God while i lay there staring at e blank sky. what a romantic spot for a quiet time eh? hahaha. if only there were stars..well i saw only one..:S

ur relationship with God sometimes must not just be communication alone..sometimes must have a bit of romance ma..haha. intimacy is gd..but romance is an art..haha.it felt as if i was floating haha..

after i had eaten, i went back to the glassroom to play bao's guitar with teddy. learned the new song One life, One love on the spot..haha. without e help of chords, i managed to tab it =)) and after awhile..more ppl came in and they were playing like..

paper badminton and paper volleyball??? hahaha..i nver knew a piece of crushed paper was so fun LOL!!! i laughed for like one hr plus just by looking at them..haha..so dramatic ROFL!!!

we left at around 10..took cab back with teddy and shin, cus teddy wasnt feeling well. u take k bro? :D and now its back to sch...i only hope i dun realise tt theres no class, only when i reach :S

One life, One love

Who am I
That You would know me from the start
Set me apart
Who am I
That You would place eternity
Into my heart

You have given to me
More than this world could give
My purpose is found in You

One life, I lay at Your altar
One love, I have with You
Touch me again
Fill me as You hold
My outstretched hands

One Word, You know I will follow
One heart, broken to You
Use me again
Your mercies follow me
For all my days

In Your presence
In Your power
Holy Spirit I surrender


this is a beautiful song that expresses everything i wanna blog about.

Hall1

okay, it wasnt as bad as last yr. but i must say the atmosphere was awesome! thanks to pam for getting e seats for us ^^..even though we only had like 4 people? T_T

and Cin, u were wondering where i was seated, i was in front of e choir..last row ^.O lols. well..svc message was awesome! God is good :)

after svc we went to this hongkong looking restaurant at one of the shophouses along bugis street. man..the bread there is ownage! lol. absolutely heavenly! i tink i became pregnant after tt LOL. and of course..my main course..sweet and sour chicken chop with rice and egg and veggie cost me 7 bucks.

and the drink...iced chrysanthemum honey, its not those mass produced packet types ah.., the giant flask was able to pour 2 full glass cups. it cost me 3 bucks plus-minus..all in all spent around 11 bucks..on dinner! woots! i must control..esp in the current situation im in..X_X

anyway, looking forward to svc and PM tmr..later i mean..and the combined CG cum BBQ =)

Stoned

okay, the past 2 days i didnt have lessons, well..yesterday and today tt is. im at home e whole day stoning..doing bits and pieces of my ECAD. still trying to finish though X_X

to be home on friday, feels so weird. huixin needs help on her laptop, so im trying to sort out my schedules to help her out.

im so stoooooonnneeeed. i know another person who's just as stone as me..cus her doctor asked her to..err..eat more chocolates? hahaha..lame..i almost fall off my chair LOL! xP *poke poke poke..

im blogging cus im bored..not bcus i really have anything to blog about..this post is totally random. m_m

its gd to receive msges once in awhile saying how people relate to my problems and theyve been encouraged by my posts..its something i didnt expect really. im just an ordinary guy, not so smart, not so rich, not as gd looking, not as talented..i dont have much..

but how God can use me, is really something that touched me deeply. oh, its 'mosquito's birthday! haha..happy bdae mosquito! ROFL!

hmm what else can i type about..im running out of ideas..oh wells..this concludes today's post..

hall1 tmr..i can only pray and hope it will NOT be like e last time! :S

Photoshopping

Haha!!! i was playing with photoshop when i made this!


Hmm..okay, some of u might have nightmares as my eyes start talking to you..hahaha..

okok, i tone down a little..LOL


hahaha..still EWW? haha okok i put back e original..

the sweet sweet boy..:PP


haha..lets end with something random and insane..


My worst pic ever!!!

Update

okay, i tink i better update just in case i leave some people in e dark thinking im gonna do something stupid LOL.

im feeling better yes...thank God His peace. and ive got my Manasseh, ive forgotten about everything already. yeah, u must be thinking..what a crazy person..one moment depressed, next moment..lameing and crapping..

one moment about to explode, next moment as calm as a lake. with God, why not? lol. im sensitive enough to know what is going on and the hand of God that moves behind every situation. when im in e pit, i know where i am, i know what to do. and i wait for no one! lol.

and within 24hrs, im out. because ive been inside many times, and im familiar with it. they say, practice makes perfect..not that i wanna go in again, but IF something happens and i go back in, at least im equipped to overcome it like CHICKEN! :p

same with yesterday...ive been trained to smile, ive been trained to hold my anger and keep my emotions in check, ive been trained and i can say, i have been strengthened each time..

even when i mess up, i can clean up my own mess in 24hrs. and yesterday i was laughing and joking with e person who 'pressed e wrong button' lol..

God also spoke to me in e shower..it seems its in e shower that i encounter God e most..haha and i hear Him the most clearly. prob its becos its in e shower that im most vulnerable, most quiet, most at peace, with all the personal space i needed. and God just shows up.

and He said (RE what happened) : "If I were to keep quiet and not do anything about it. What are you gonna do about it?" i was silenced in thoughts for a long time. *nope i didnt waste water X_X lol. then i realised, the incident with Jesus sleeping in the boat during e storm.

yes, we all need to grow up, you cant possible expect God to clear up your poo poo everytime right? God loves me so much, and He allows room for me to make mistakes. and likewise i told tt friend of mine, I love you as a friend, and i wanna make room for you to make mistakes as well..

its e only way we learn, its e only way we grow. if anyone is upset with me just becos i messed up, then ask yourself, are you gonna be upset all your life? because throughout your ENTIRE life, people will mess up..and e ones who will eventually hurt u are e ones closest to you.

cmon, wake up..this is the real world. being a christian doesnt mean life is a bed of roses..dont deceive yourself. the only difference is that we have the power to overcome it..again, and again, and again, and again, and again!

ive learned that the greatest mistake you can make, is to think that you will never make a mistake.

im fine now..everything is cool..thank God for His grace, thank God for His peace..if ure desperate enough, just ask for His Manasseh and He will freely give it to you. If an earthly father knows how to give good things to his child, what more our Father in heaven?

after what uve read about me..am i still your friend? if i had nothing to give, would i still be your friend? i dont need to know. you just think about it. if God is SLEEPING when ure going through a tough time, are you gonna complain and give up on Him?

if u cant take it, just surrender. i dun see whats so difficult. we all have to put away our pride sometimes. and ive mastered e art of self humility. nobody can make u humble, nobody can make u loving..your attitude is changed, ONLY by you. God cant touch your attitude, because its sacred, because its e real you!

the proof of your desire is in your pursuit. how hungry are you for His presence? how hungry are you for His power? its proven by your actions. do you give excuses all the time? oh, i cant go for svc, oh i cant go for cg, oh i cant go for PM.

thank God im more on fire for Him than i ever was, thank God im more in love with Him than i ever was!

we have learned what it means to have a pure heart. its NOT sinless perfection..its a heart that is totally yielded, a 100%, no double-mindedness, no ulterior motives and NO excuses!

Stop existing and start living! =)

Dashed

went to school this morning. everything was fine. i was the happiest person because of how God touched me the night before and freed me from going into the pit of depression.

and in just less than 24hrs, things changed.

you know how it feels like to not be able to be a testimony? you know how it feels like to take FOUR years in poly, people look at you, people talk about you. and you wish you were smarter, more hardworking and all that stuff..

and so, my lesson ended at 1030am. 30minutes early. i had a common test at 4pm. i intended to study from 11am till 3pm. i left my calculator at home and i was thinking of borrowing one from a friend who stays opposite my sch.

i had intended, if i couldnt get my calculator, which i needed for the test, id go home and do my revision and at e same time, i could also get my calculator. it was a win-win solution and i was cool.

i managed to find a friend who was able to hand me one at 11am. and so after i have eaten, i walked out of the sch's back gate and headed to my friend's block, but i couldnt pass by the security so i lingered somewhere nearby to wait for the person to come.

and so i waited..it was 1130. i couldnt wait anymore. i called, no answer, i msged asked for e person's location. still at home. immediately i exploded. i couldnt take it anymore. it was as if my dreams were dashed.

if i were to fail that particular module again, im not allowed to repeat it. instead, i would be dismissed immediately. just think that you study for 3 years, and ONE extra year, FOUR years in poly, all the school fees ure paying that ur parents worked so hard for..

ure in a financial difficulty, and your future is gonna go down the drain. by the time i reached home..i only had 2hrs to study. imagine what i could have accomplished in that 30min of eating, 30min of waiting, an hr of travelling time!

i could have gotten my A!!! u know how it feels to let the whole world know you are aiming for an A and you are confident of it and you have EVERYTHING ALL PLANNED OUT??? and in just seconds its destroyed.

i told myself that if i DONT get an A or a distinction for that module, im not fit to live and i was gonna commit suicide. that module meant everything to me! that module meant to me my family, my loved ones, my hardwork everything i TRIED SO HARD AND LIVED FOR!

i told myself, im NOT gonna be mediocre again, i told myself i can do it, if i can get an A from an F for my OOP, i can do it again! If God did it once for me, He can do it again! and now all those dreams, all those hopes, all the faith i had, was dashed!!!

know what? now i look like a fool!!! "look at him, he said he could get an A, now look what happened.." say that to me all you want! if im angry, im REALLY angry. to the point ill think of murdering the person and along with myself!

i was so hurt and shaken and pissed, when i got home..i lay on my bed in tears..and I SLEPT!!!!

and when i woke up, it was 330pm!!! i reached the exam room at 430pm!! i was late!! not only i failed to do ANY revision, i was late!!! i had only an hr left to finish my paper! and i tell you..i BLEW IT!! my whole future is gone!!! my whole life is gone!!!

i have an assignment to submit tomorrow, if the same thing happens, ill KILL MYSELF NOW! i cant tolerate nonsense, if you have a passion for something, then be SERIOUS ABOUT IT!! I was so mad i shouted at God:

"Look at Jesus, He gave everything! Look at me, WHAT CAN I GIVE I TELL YOU, WHAT CAN I GIVE?? I HAVE NOTHING WITH ME! DONT PLAY GAMES WITH ME, CMON BE REALISTIC..!"

and God spoke back. and i had a conversation for 15-20minutes. eventually i gave up, i cried myself to sleep. that was before i realized i was late for the test.

i told God when i woke up: "Look! i dont care what happens, if im to fail so be it, at least let me fail glorifying you IF THERE'S EVEN SUCH THING!!! God, give me the peace of God, i dont care anymore, I gave my whole life to You..do what You want with it..I have died, i have no more life in myself.."

and id say, i blew my test..

but the strange thing is..e peace of God WAS with me. i felt no more anger, no more hurt. right now, i just feel the peace of God tt surpasses all understanding. its like when you wanna think about it, it just wouldnt come out.

i dont feel a thing about what happened yesterday, i dun feel a thing about what happened this morning..i hope im not numbed. because i was really fuming mad this morning i could murder someone.

never take the peace of God for granted..

Random

back to my usual random posts. yesterday alone, i think like 11 ppl added me on msn cus they found out that i uploaded the new songs on my imeem. and boy, i got flooded! haha..by invites. but not bad, got to know a few new ppl.

and one of them is from Malaysia! wow..i was so surprised, like..how u find my blog, and i have her on msn now..she said she was googling for something and my blog showed up..haha..so amazing to realize that my blog is on google..haha.

i tink im gonna be known as e pirate king. lol. sheesh haha. ive chatted with so many new people im afraid tt if i see them in real life, i might not recognise who is who :S hahaha. not bad, talked to Shi Ting, one of the 'newcomers' to my msn list..haha..we had a great chat. talking about our lives, how God moves..the presence of God..falling during Benny Hinn's meeting, what do u see the church in 10 yrs time, etc. :D

both of us had a common friend via friendster, i tink its her cgm, Doreen, whom i met in NP who also attends service one.

and i realised her birthday is 2 days before mine..haha. then she was telling me, how easy it was to spot me, not bcos of my hair tho..she said, on that weekend, if someone on the floor area is celebrating birthday, she would know it would be me..haha..

i was like..eh..i didnt think of tt..haha..not bad..lol.

its gd to believe in something, but its even better to experience it. for the past 1-2yrs my life has gone up and down, but all the time..there was always one person there for me and He is Jesus. :) ill never forget that angelic night..those words He spoke to me..really meant a lot to me.

it seemed like seconds ago when i was falling into depression, but just one move. one act of brokenness and surrender, my life was changed, and it the change was almost instantly. tts what the life of a believer is all about. its radical..its audacious, its an adventure. sometimes the change is so sudden and large, your mind cannot perceive it.

and i remembered what God told me last night, "Remember the promise you made during emerge? Come with Me, and I will take you on a roller coaster ride.." our head thinks fast, but our heart spins slow, ps kong always says. oh God, i wanna love You more and experience You in a more tangible and intimate way..:D

when i heard it, one moment i was.."oh-oh..", the other moment i felt, "If its a roller coaster ride with God..why not :)" and i know that this is just the beginning for greater things to come. things may come and go, but if God is for me, who can be against me? if God is on my side, is there anything i cannot overcome?

Adam used to tell me, or the cg rather, during fellowship..what/who do you build your life upon? That will determine how high and how far you are gonna go, and how firm you will be, when the storms hit you.

all of us have to grow up one day. when the disciples were on the boat and the storm hit, what was Jesus doing? He was sleeping! There are times when He expects you to take the power and the authority He has given you..to calm the storm yourself. Depending on God is good, but babies do grow up and mature.

when ps preached tt man, it was a revelation to me. when God is moving, we are happy. when God is silent, what are you doing? The silence of God will test your character.

A nobody, in the hands of God, can become a somebody.

Short post

okay..5th post today. jus wanna say i felt a BIT better after praying and releasing to God. i talked to Him till i was in tears till i slept. and when i woke up, I felt better.

just amazed by a few things i see on msn..typed as personal statements. note that its typed by non-christians, and man, common grace..i was so inspired.

here's a few..

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-Turns"

"I dont see why people should complain about life, God gave it to them for free."

not bad right? lol.

JP

this is e 4th time im blogging today. left sch after blogging my previous post. when i reached boonlay, i decided to go JP arcade for awhile. i have to let the pain out somehow, i cant possibly hide it forever.

at the arcade, whenever im stressed or emotionally down..i would go to one game, the soulcalibur2 machine. and i spent $1.50 there. just 3 games and i decided it was done. while i was playing alone, (it was a fighting game), there were challengers who inserted a credit on e other side and VS me.

the moment they selected their character, i went for an all out assault. 3-0, for 4-5 rounds! as i sat there, i was holding back tears. at the same time, i started to perspire, in the aircon! i thought it was strange. as my character started slashing and slamming and chopping my opponent, i soon realised..

even though on e outside, it was just a game, but inside, the pain was so strong, it became aggressive, and without knowing, i was having murderous thoughts. i started pressing the buttons, my opponents fell, one at a time, helpless, hopeless, powerless..

even when i have won the match, id pick up the dead body and slash it somemore, slam it, and finally throw it to the wall before the time runs out for a new match. i would step on the dead player 5 times. do a charged attack and flames came out of my sword and utterly destroyed my opponent.

i sat there, hands trembling, my face began to turn hot..i started having cold sweat. and those who sat across me were just kids..one of them was a girl. people soon started looking at me..at my face, i mustve looked like i wanna kill someone. all the pain inside was coming out. but i was feeling no better. some ppl looked at me like: "You buay song isit? You wanna fight ah!?!"

i stared at the screen, i continued to show no mercy. face sweating, hands trembling. it felt good to be strong, it felt good to be unstoppable. and i got carried away. it felt as if i will never get hurt again! but it merely gave me a false sense of security. suppressing my emotions is dangerous, its suicide.

at the same time, my heart was suffocating, i wanna cry but no tears would come out. it was painful, horrible..almost..depressing. im not angry, neither am i upset, im just shaken..and broken. i told myself everything was fine, problem solved. but the effects just wont go away.

whats worse than sinking into a pit of quicksand? the process of drowning and suffocation...

got common test tomorrow..i dun wanna lose my will to study :S

Defensive mode

the feeling now is horrible. no matter how hard i tried, this feeling wont go away. i remembered tt incident with pam, it took me almost half a year to recover. there are times when i just wanna cry it all out but no tears would come out.

im afraid i might go into defensive mode again. putting up walls so high and so thick nobody can come in. the fear of getting hurt, ill lock myself up deep down. im pretty stressed these few days. i dont think anyone knew cus i looked so fine.

stress for my studies..tmr im having a common test. and another one later in e week. one next week. stress for e celgrp. im always stressed for e celgrp. i always feel that im the only one carrying everything. have to submit an assignment tmr as well. i told myself that ill Ace my modules this sem..i cannot afford to fail one more time, if not ill be dismissed.

and in e midst of all e busyness, i forgot to apply for my FYP Round 2. i missed round 1, now i missed round 2! right now i can only pray for favor and a good 'random' FYP to be assigned to me. im not upset, and more importantly im not angry. its IMPOSSIBLE for me to be angry. IMPOSSIBLE. the last time i raised my voice was 7yrs ago and it was to my bro. thats all.

i tend to turn my hurts and anger into depression, so that i will not hurt anyone, except myself. even if it means i have to drag myself into the pit of depression so that nobody gets hurt, im willing to do it. sometimes, i just feel cold on e inside.

i was so shaken, that just now..NOW in fact, im in school. only to realise when i reach school, that lesson was cancelled. i actually forgotten that there was no lesson today :S now im in class alone, with lights off and thoughts going insane..

i find it hard to forgive myself. VERY hard. I feel as if..im in a pit..not just any pit..but a pit of quicksand. constantly pulling me down no matter how hard i try to get out. its like a pit of quicksand, in the middle of the jungle. as u sink, ur screams no one can hear. you look up, down, left, right..you see nobody in sight.

you stretch out your hand, as u sink..nobody's there to take your hand...

the feeling that says: you're finished...

Personality clash

today is a very strange day for me. was SMSing Qiyu. everything seemed fine. until a turning point came and i realised that i was hurting her unknowingly. here's andrew, the andrew that never gets angry. hurting someone.

since sec2 till now, ive never hurt anyone emotionally or physically. and as a result, i felt a sense of guilt and condemnation. and so we talked and chatted on msn. and we kinda managed to clear things out.

and both of us were like feeling e same thing, WITHOUT knowing it. and so i shared more abt myself, my personality, etc. i realized both of us had similar personality traits. i was so afraid that i couldnt bring myself to face her again. i was afraid of losing this friendship that just got started like a few days ago.

ive never lost a friend becos of a misunderstanding and i dont wish for it to happen. and just a few days ago everything seemed fine. eventually we came to a conclusion that the similarities in our personalities and make-ups, caused a 'clash'.

and as a result there was a misunderstanding, of emotion, of motives. when u have 2 people who are different, its easy to discern the differences. but if u have 2 people who are wired almost exactly e same, there will be a clash.

because i was different, and consider myself rare/unique, i seldom have misunderstandings with anyone cus our differences are so easily notable. whereas in this case, it was different. its like, u cant figure e person out, and e person cant figure u out. because both of u are the SAME :o

its a total clash LOL..even our msn font colored unknowingly swapped! in e course of time LOL.

oh wells, Sy Rogers once said, u cant live as if e past never happened, but we can certainly live the life beyond it.