Sorry for the late entry

Basically my week is the same. I feel withdrawn and depressed. Anyway, thanks wyelin for the huge huge huge superduper outstanding shoutout on your blog! LOL!!!

Anyway..

On friday, I had giddyness and chestpain, went to see the MO, but was referred to NUH A&E department for checkup. Everything turned out fine, doctor just asked me to rest more. Concluding that I was under fatigue/stress. =S Got an MC, so book in tmr night.

Oh well, service with Rev Casey Treat was great, what a treat indeed haa. =D Faith is not just something you believe in your heart, it is something you confess through your words.

I admit, Ive failed in this area since I entered NS. All I saw was the dark side, but what can I do? The most I can do is to have faith and enjoy my 2 years here, but sometimes bad things do happen to good people, and some things, in a way, we really dont have much control over.

But Im really thankful to God for being there.

Sometimes a hug really means a lot. You can say many things, you can do many things for the person, but nothing beats a genuine hug.

Celgrp today was awesome, even though Ive not played for like 3 weeks already and my fingers are starting to become soft and pain during practice itself :S Adam preached on being a steward.

Nothing we have is ours, not even our life.
Each of us has something, but none of us have everything.

There are some things I have that you dont, you have some things that you have that I dont.
God created us for relationships. We are called to be INTERdependent.

6 weeks to POP..its time to rise up. Really thank you, thank you, thank you so much Lord, for giving me a day to spend time with my cg and church friends, to enjoy fellowship and to have solitude moments with You..

I wanna do admin job, so at night I can either go for part time degree course doing night classes or go back to my gamer's life, haha. I miss my gamer chaps, I miss partying and chionging levels with my clanmates, esp in ROSE haha. =/

Till then..

I surrender all to You..

Ps kong, Mum, Camp

You're my hero.

Booking in now. I dont wanna retake my PSOC.

In sept, mum will be overseas in the states for 2 weekends.

I need a shoulder to cry on, a ear to listen, a friend who's there..

Breaking point.

Stoned.

Everyone's either in church or at the movie screening or fellowshipping somewhere.

Gone online, no one to talk to. =/

Corona-X theme, God, rants

New desktop theme with transparent menu and new media player skin, cursor set and iconset. =))

Just finished watching sunday SOT graduation service. The prophecy given by Rev Dr Alex Abraham to ps kong and to the church was so powerful..

Since young, Ive always wanted to go on a holiday with God and just be alone with Him. Now that a friend can have a chance to experience that, having a FOC chalet in sentosa, alone to study and to spend time with God..

I cant help but to cry..I dont know, I get 'jealous' when people spend time with God more than me. I get jealously motivated whenever I see ps kong, whenever I hear the testimonies of their pastors. But knowing for these 2 years, its impossible for me to even have a proper QT during the weekday, let alone time to spend with God..=/

I mean, for me, thats the kind of relationship I have with God..its more than a friend to friend relationship, more than a brother to brother relationship, its more than a God to man relationship, or master to servant relationship..

For me, its a love relationship. I mean, have you ever loved God soooo much, miss Him so much, that when you see others experiencing God, it gets to you??

Some people dont even mind if they go to church and have a dry service.
Some people dont mind even if they go cg and nothing happens, as long as they are happy.
Not for me, Im not satisfied just to be happy.

Some people dont mind just to know they are saved.

God is so big, is that all you want from Him? Is that the BEST that God can give to you?

I remembered when I was first saved, during worship, I had a vision or rather, a fantasy or a dream, that one day I could be in a house by the seaside, all by myself, or at most with the woman of my dreams, having QT by the beach, watching the sunrise and sunset, feeling the sand on your feet and the breeze upon your hair..

I had that vision when I first heard ps kong's testimony on how he was in a resort in hawaii by the beautiful waikiki beach where he encountered God and God told him to raise up a new generation of young people that would take Asia by storm..

Id rather die than to not experience God for one day! =((

Poly years, even though it was tiring and emotionally draining cus I had to retake one year, but I never regretted it. The days I would be alone in canteen 1, eating my western/jap food by the railings, looking out to the open field and the bright blue windy sky, thinking and talking to God, it was just a simple lunch, but it was of a sentimental value for me, how I wish I could go back to NP one of these days and just have my lonely lunches again..=S

I hate NS. I hate booking in. God, I just want to love You. God, I just want to be with You all the days of my life. Its almost 3 months, and Im still missing God, Im still on fire with God even though I only 'really' felt Him once a week. How about you?

I dont know about you, but I get disturbed and 'pissed' when I go to school and there are no encounters. Thats how I depend on Him, thats how I love Him.

Many people want to spend time with their gfs and bfs, nobody wants to spend time with God. Have you even had lunch with the HS before? Have you even set aside one day to go shopping, to watch a movie alone, with God before?

Even though at times He was silent, but knowing for a fact that He was with me during my lonely lunches, and gave me a revelation was enough for me. One word from heaven, and my life was never the same.

People say Im very blessed or lucky or whatever, but its not built on my spirituality, I admit, Im not very spiritual, now in NS, my bible reading slackened, but at least Im happy that I could pray to Him daily.

Its not about sprituality although that is important. Its about relationship, communion and fellowship with Him. A life built on revelation is always progressive, and blessed.

Just like how Dr Peter Wagner said, God has an open mind. Certain things in this world are 'predetermined' but because God is love, and love is a choice, He allows us to make decisions. And God sometimes DOES change His mind.

God is alive, He has emotions, He has a will, a mind of His own. If you think God is a .exe program that runs on a set of predetermined algorithms and scripts, then Im starting to wonder what kind of God you serve.

Im sick and tired of loving someone but not being able to express that love! NS is disgusting!

Id rather have SG spend their money buying a nuclear missile than to spend tons of money and LIVES on national service. Dunno what defense and deterrance..bullshit. One nuclear missile sums it all up man!

So stupid, we can build all the guns and tanks, but if one nuclear missile lands..whats the difference? You think just because you wear a metal bra under your uniform you are protected isit!?! You think your nehneh big and square I scared you ah?

Singapore so small fight what?

You can be a commando or a tactical trooper. "Ohhhhh you know ahhh, my IPPT I get GOLD okay! I have one frigging marksman okay! Dont play play with me ahhh!!!"

I just drop one banana skin on the floor in front of you make you slip and fall, I can already just pick up your gun and kill you. Dumb right! Come on man, be real.

Yayaya so you're a sniper on a treetop..I just chop down the tree you also die wat! Whoooaaaa you throw grenade..very scary ahhhhhh!!! I from 10 storey drop one piano down on you, you're dead man. Then you can die with your stupid grenade.

Whooooaaaa you carry machine gun ahhh!!! 100 rounds ahhh!!! SOOO SCARY AHHH!! putputputputputputput!!! ahhh. I go behind you take a rusty nail and poke your backside putputputputputputput ahhh!!!

I think I better shut up..I very long never rant already..before I make fun of more people.

Stupid ns, think so much for what? Just use common sense ma...O_O.

GRAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Update

Follow You - Zephya Lee Seow Shi

Empty handed
I bow before You
Humble myself
I surrender

Lay down my life,
Because I love You
In Your presence
I will sing

Jesus You're my Saviour
Jesus I surrender
I want to sing
To you forevermore
And I will pick up my cross
*And follow You

Acoustic - Zephya
Vocals - Zephya
Electric - Drew
Bass (Played using acoustic guitar) - Drew

The result of a 1-2 hour 'experiment', 1-2 am plus in the morning LOL. There's no rehearsal, no editing, I didnt even know the lyrics, nor the melody, she just came to me, 'eh God gave me a new song' and sang, and I just plucked haha.

Why experiment? Cus her parents are asleep so cant play loud, cant sing loud too. And..I dont have a boomer/Bass amp or a bass guitar with me..so I used the acoustic guit for the bass lol. Simple, desperate, but still okay. Can tell I made a few mistakes, cus I played without chords, or in this case, tabs. This is the first attempt playing the song so yea.

How can 2 person play multiple instruments/singing? Its something called channel split/merge hahaha. Basically jus record one by one..then 'rojak'.

This week's been stoned as usual. Bored and lonely, blablabla. I dont wanna retake my PSOC. O_O. Stupidest course ever, well, to me that is lol. =(

Walking from lakeside to boonlay in e middle of the night is fun. I dont know, maybe because Ive been hurt so much, being alone with nature, with God somehow makes me calm, relaxed, composed and happy. Even though I had a painful abrasion in between my legs again, still managed to walk home. Not because I dont have train, but because of KFC + BBQ = FATS!!!

Service later. SOT graduation, well not like my cg has any SOT members. Even if there were, Id probably be the last to enrol among those around my age anyway. =X

Congrats to all SOT graduates. And..happy birthday Ps Kong.

Question and Answer

Someone asked me a really good question..

"When guys gather, they always talk about ns stuffs, so how can I be lonely inside?"

Im lonely because, I have never had sex before.
Im lonely because, Ive never 'touched' or 'fingered' a girl before.
Im lonely because, I never knew what 'hentai', 'bukkake', 'cumshot' was except in NS.
Im lonely because, I dont like breaking rules.
Im lonely because, I dont smoke.
Im lonely because, I dont go to clubs and rub myself on girls.
Im lonely because, I dont go round staring at girls' breasts or buttocks.
Im lonely because, I dont use the word 'f*ck' as a common language.
Im lonely because, ns men meet familiar faces in camp, I dont.
I dont see any sec sch people, pri sch people, or even poly people.

Im lonely because, I dont have anyone else from chc who's inside.
Im lonely because, Im the only christian, Im an alien.
Im lonely because, Im not sloppy.
Im lonely because, Im not undisciplined.
Im lonely because, I dont CK (chao keng).
Im lonely because, I dont go chionging or geylang.

People who do all the above, have their click. Or they at least have someone they can talk to. Every week, they cant wait to book out to do all the above. Can my whole bunk talk about sex the whole day? Yes. The WHOLE DAY, WHOLE WEEK. And its not just one, but more than 30 at one go.

Im always quiet, slowing listening and trying my best to stay strong every single day. Just by staying strong, took me all Ive got, all my strength and energy. Being tempted by a group of people is one thing, but being tempted by 100-200 people, and being the only one different, is something not easy.

Is it really that dramatic and exxagerative? YES.

Welcome to NS.

Its already a miracle Im still attending cg and service. Im doing my best, and what hurts me most is when people say Im weak or immature, emo king and all that crap. They simply dont understand.

Missing God

I miss You.
I miss holding Your hand.
I miss hearing Your voice.
I miss Your hugs and kisses.
I miss Your smile, Your fingers running through my hair.

I wanna stay in Your presence 24/7/365. =(

God, Im addicted to You.
God, I dont just love You, Im IN LOVE with You.

Help me to love You more,
Help me to encounter You more.
Holy Spirit, reveal more of Yourself to me everyday.

Many guys have cried over a girl,
Many girls have cried over a guy,
But have you ever cried over God?

Is your love for your girlfriend/boyfriend stronger than your love for God?
Is your relationship with your partner more romantic than your relationship with God?
Is your friendships with your friends even more happening than your friendship with God?

My first love, forever You will be.
My first breath, You're the life in me.

Everyday I live I know, You are my God.
I lift my face and look to you my Lord.
Even when the mountains tremble and a thousand fall,
I will stand with You, my Jesus, take my all.

Booking in

This week I have:

PSOC (Police Standard Obstacle Course) Test
Swimming Test
Police Defense Tactics (PDT) Test
Final IPPT Test

Maybe drill test.

Pray for my PSOC, I have fear of heights and fear of falling, Ill experience chest pain, breathlessness and nauseousness everytime I climb the high net wall. O_O. Whats worse than me passing out, is me holding on for awhile, losing consciousness and then dropping from the wall. =/

Okay, screw the PSOC =((. I havent even had a full run before, only half :S Cus I was on LD (light duty). I dont care if I pass or fail, I just wanna survive and get it over with.

This week Ill be having sentry duty on friday, my first. Pray for it as well.

Exactly 8 weeks more to POP.

Ive done Service 3 and 4 notes. Ill try to do S1 and 2's notes when I book out =/ See? I dont even have time to type sermon notes! GRAAH! NS disgusts me. =/

Why train so hard when you can just hide in one corner, and when the enemy comes, take an air freshener and lighter and torch the enemy? O_O.

Now this marriage thing has got me even more stressed. Im almost 25!!! O_O.

Take all of me

This week's been emotionally draining. Basically, every other night I lay on my bed in tears as I poured my heart out to God.

Its one thing to know that ure loved, its another thing to experience the love.
Its one thing to know that ure not alone, but its another thing to have someone physically by your side.

The tears I shed at night, were not tears that flowed because of the tough training,
But they were tears shed because of the relationships I treasured,
Relationships that meant a lot to me.

People dont understand why you cry,
Because they never experienced what its like to have a closely bonded and loving family.

People dont understand why you cry,
Because they never experienced what its like to be in a cg where you are loved.

People dont understand why you cry,
Because they know only about God, but have never really KNOWN Him.

I liked it when Adam quoted Rev Dr A R Bernard:

"Buddhists have no problem believing Buddha is dead, Confusionists have no problem believing confucius is dead, but if we christians have no problem believing Jesus is dead, then ure missing on the whole point! Because Jesus is alive!"

"When you reach out to people, you are not bringing to them a religion, you are introducing them to a person!"

Man..POWER! lol

Cg message struck me. To me, Ive known God. We've been through a lot..if you think Im lame, lol, let me tell you my God is lamer haha. I dont know about you, but thats how my relationship with Him is..we do joke, and crap, but He always wins. =/ haha.

I mean, when you're all alone. Who else can you talk to? Who else can you pour out your heart freely to? I dont know, the reason why my relationship with God is like that is maybe because Im alone 80% of the time. There's more than enough room for God to speak, for Him to move.

Im not saying you should practice being alone, I mean, each of us have a different love language, and between me and God, thats just me. I like solitude. I like being alone, in a quiet place, just Him and me, no one else.

Okay, not that I like being alone, but Im always 'so happened' to be alone, left out, blablabla..

Its strange, I dont know how, I dont know why, ask God...:O

BUT..

I wanna know Him more.

Well, been sick the whole week. Still coughing. Man, my cough has never healed since I stepped into NS lol. O_O. In fact..back in my school days, I only see the doctor like at most 2 times a year! But now, falling sick is like breathing! =/

This coming week is my final ippt test, swimming test, defense tactics test, and obstacle course test. Man, they really chiong everything..cus sept is my law exam..maybe they wanna give us time to study and to have our remedial classes.

Our scenario based test is also coming. ahhhhhhhh!!!! Real life role play simulation. We actually have a mini 'town' inside the academy with kopitiams, mcdonalds, flats and cars! I can imagine..they give me a husband and wife dispute as my scenario..when Im asked to handle the scenario..ill probably walk towards the couple..and say, "BE GONE IN JESUS NAME!!!!" ROFLMAOLOL!

Okay that was lame. Id either flunk badly, or my instructor will pass out. O_O

Oh well, despite a tough and emotional week, I have one testimony that Im happy to say, Ive upgraded from Pes BP (Obese) to Pes B. Yay! No more obese. Seriously, I think Im getting a little too vain, or health conscious, or whatever. Guess what I had dinner just now after service..HERBAL CHICKEN! But it was tasty so..yea.

Service today was great. Man, Im hungry for the S1 notes, cus I didnt know all services would be different :S I think ill marry the first person to hand me the notes lol..

Sidetrack..

I heard from my friend that the cgcs had some BGR talk with pastor on tuesday. And my friend was telling me..advisable age to get married: 21-25/28. O_O GG! GAME OVER! I think by the time I ORD, by the time I get my degree...=(( Gosh, I dont wanna imagine.

All the passion, all the fun and excitement, all the romance and 'sexual energy' and youth, will go down! =(( Sooo oldddd OMG! Who would want a 30 year old me? :S 30 years old omg!! AHHHH!!!!! *Bang!

Okay, forget it..I think I dont have time also :S NS is shit. I dont have time to mature in relationships, let alone develop one..GG! RAWWRRRR!!!

Went to seowshi's house. She went high. lol

.................

.................

.................

.................

Over the guitar hahaha! Dont think too much k? O_O.

Anyway, she invited me to join a band Living Legacy. Started by Torance. Well, even though we are all wannabes but it was birthed out of a strong vision. Well, I guess Im still in my 'audition' stage, cus I dont know when Ill have time to really meet up and stuff. =S

Well, my role was electric guitarist..I guess..after this night, something has changed? LOL! My role that is..*Cough cough, I shall not say anymore haha. Cus our band has MANY members already..LOL.

Anyway, if you ask me how I joined these 2 great people, seowshi and torance. PM me lol. Its a long story..this week's been depressing for me..in the midst of depression, God spoke I guess, and because Im so close with Him, despite my circumstances, I chose faith.

People have this idea, a person going through depression cant have faith.

But I proved that statement wrong. Not many people knew the state which I was in. The things I attempted, etc.

How is faith in depression possible?

The answer is very simple:

Genuine relationship.
Genuine conversion.

Im not a fake. Im for real. Its possible for me, because of a love so strong, its unconditional.

Your relationship with God will be tested.
Will you pass the test?

Even when He seems He has left you alone to suffer, just like how Jesus was left to suffer, will you still love Him? Will you still sing to Him, lift up your hands to Him?

Walking with God is simple to me for this week..

It is to walk the path that Jesus walked.

Lovesick

I dont wanna book in.
God I dont wanna leave You and Your presence.
Today's prayer meeting was so awesome, God, I wanna go for every prayer meeting.

Since I came to church, I have never missed cg, I have never missed PM, I have never missed service..Lord, because I love You. No one ever loved me the way You did. No one ever accepted me the way You did. No one touched my heart more than You..

No one cared for me the way You did.
No one talked to me the way You did..

I wanna stay with You, dont wanna go..

The room I sit in, was where we had such intimate moments together.
The room I sit in, was where You saw my tears and groans.
The times I cried like a baby, clinging on to his papa..

I cant bear to let You go. Lord, I dont just wanna encounter you once a week..Lord, I dont want! I cant live like that! Lord, I need You every single day. I wanna encounter You every single moment..

I am who I am today because of You, You have done so much for me. Yet I kept on making You sad and angry. But You kept on forgiving, You kept on loving, You gave me a chance to live, a chance to start over, a chance to breakthrough..even though times I failed, Your hand was always on my shoulder to cheer me on..

Lord, I dont wanna live a day without holding Your hand.

Lord, I miss those days during worship, You would walk by and give me a hi-5.
Lord, I miss those days during worship where you would place Your hand on mine, I would sing and hold hands with You.

Lord, I missed those days you would come up behind me during worship and give me a hug or a kiss. Lord, you filled my every need. In places where I could not find love, You were there. In places where I felt at my lowest, You were always there for me..

Every moment Im alone, I was never alone because You were there.

Lord, let this week be quick. So what if ns is good for me? If I dont have You what's the point!? I can have the richest bank account, I can have the highest educational qualification, or the prettiest wife, yet if I dont have You, what's the point in living? :((

Lord, Im hungry for you..Id rather die than to live one day without You..=((

Im tired of experiencing You just once a week. Back then, I had You with me every single day. Now, so many people are in school, they have classmates and school friends. They get to go home and be with their parents, they get to meet up with friends..

But everyday, Lord Im so lonely inside, with nobody to talk to, nobody to share revelation with, nobody to share my joys and sorrows with. God my heart aches, every week, everyday when Im inside. I cant stop thinking of my cg, my church friends, God I cant stop thinking of You.

Thank You for great people, for great leadership, but Lord, I miss so many people, I miss You the most. =/ Every week I just look forward to book out, when I do my PT and drills, Im lazy, Im not willing..because being far from You makes me sad and emotional..

And Im the only christian inside..God, I dont even have someone whom I can pray or talk about You with. :(( God, I feel so isolated, so far, so distant and left out..Im sure Jesus, in the desert had camels to talk to..Lord, Id rather talk to camels than to be in a place where Im spiritually boxed in..=/

Let me decrease and may You increase..

Service, Morning PM

Service was great. I love the new hillsong like setup on stage with the new screen! =)) I think chorus board ministry is gonna have recruitment soon haha..so many new screens. And the lyrics and texts are in flash. I think the graphics designer did a great job with the song visualisations too. XD.

Sebas came back yesterday for service despite all his PO. *Salutes man. I really miss him. Dont we all? =D Will keep you in prayers bro..keep up the faith!

One miracle and breakthrough I must share..

WHERE ON EARTH YOU HAVE A NS GUY GOING FOR A WEEKDAY MORNING PRAYER MEETING!?!

God is good..so good, to be true, but it happened. NS is rising up, why? Because of people like us who go in and make a change! Because of people in churches all over singapore rising up to the occasion and taking the nation for Christ!

Prayer is the key to revival.

Midnight Jog!!! OH YEAH!

It was great. I was like running so fast! HAHA! Its been 2 months since I ran that route. Just now when I ran, it felt like chicken feet LOL!!! And I was just a BIT tired, when I sprint the last few hundred metres haha. =|

Anyway, the most important thing is not my fitness, but what happened after that.

If you've been to my place before ull see a huge drain just downstairs along the roadside where the fitness area is. After cooling down, I sat on one of the benches. It was dark, cool, and quiet. And there, I just sat, stared at the night sky and chatted with God.

Pouring my heart out, and I just sat there and wept in the presence of God. =))

Ive waited 2 months for this day..being alone with God like that..something I really miss, something Ill never take for granted.

I began to think to myself..God has been so good to me. What have I really done for Him? Have I done anything that He could smile at or be proud of.

I know how it feels like to love someone and you get neglected. I could sympathise with God and understand how He must have felt during the times I was quiet and minding my own business..

There's so many things I didnt deserve, but yet He freely gave.
There's so many things He's done for me, I cant imagine what my life would be without Him.

No matter how big life is,
No matter how big your mountains are,
No matter how rocky the waves of your storms are,

God is bigger.

"When You stand, the tall trees and mountains bow,
When You speak, the fiercest of oceans is still.."

(Seowshi was telling me how she liked this song, so I decided to upload the acoustic version here, its a really beautiful song)

Midnight Jogging

For the first time in EONS!!! Im gonna go for my midnight jog!

WOOHOO! (*With my cough)

CG Night

Cg was unique. We had it at Just Noodles at Suntec. Great food, great fellowship, great sharing.

Down with a cough and a cold, the whole week actually.

Many things happened this week, but whats tough, is really to be who God wants you to be, despite your circumstances. Its not easy to smile when things go wrong. Its not easy to praise and worship God and pray to Him when things go wrong, but when I reflected upon what adam shared last night, about prayer and spirituality, I began to realise that hey, Ive been praying every night.

Come to think of it, this is the only period of my life where I can boldly say, I prayed every night, everyday. Well, not exactly everyday either, maybe just from monday to friday, when Im in camp, I pray everyday, and its amazing how the prayers are all answered within the same week. - Power-filled prayers.

Its not good just to go to church, or join a celgrp, or serve in a ministry..if you pray and nothing happens, then you're totally missing out on the whole thing. Like adam said, and I think I blog before also..

If you have nothing spiritual to share everytime, it just goes to show how 'alive' your spiritual walk with God is; it just goes to show you dont live by revelation everyday.

For me, being able to encourage people when Im at my lowest, is really something. Despite my heart pains and throat pains, being able to take the effort to travel halfway across the country and meet up with a group of world changers and history makers, to me, its never easy.

Walking with God is never easy. Just being there, is never easy. But somehow I always tell myself, to push, to be there no matter what. And God has always been faithful.

To stop your faith at a road of impossibility,
Is to limit God Himself.

Random

In camp, I dont experience disappointment.
But outside, I get disappointed.

In camp, Im too busy to think about people I miss.
But outside, I get overly emotional about the ones Im going to miss.

In camp, people do what they say, and they say what they do.
But outside, people dont really care what they say or do.

In camp, the pain you go through makes you numb to emotions.
But outside, the emotions you go through causes great pain.

In camp, I am someone important, or at least they make you someone important.
But outside, Im just another guy, sometimes, a disappointment myself.

Sometimes I wonder is it better to be inside, or outside.

Booked out at 12 today, thank God Im booking in on monday night. Setbacks happened. Waited for 3 hours in front of my comp. Only at 4pm, I had to do 3 things at once; where I couldve just spread my tasks out before that.

In camp, time is LONG, but fully utilised.
But outside, time is short, but mostly wasted.

In camp, Im quiet. I dont have people to disappoint me, I dont have people to bother me.
But outside, people know me and people dont really care what goes on in your life.

In camp, when ure down, you have people around you, going through the shit together.
But outside, no one even knows when you're down, or worse,
They simply mind their own business or pretend nothing ever happened.

In a company of godly people, I dont experience the love of God.
Whereas in a company of fools, I experience love, acceptance, understanding
And genuine relationships.

What is God saying?
What is God doing?
I dont know.

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things -- and the things that are not -- to nullify the things that are.."

This is the only verse that comes to mind with regards to my situation.

Surrender all

I shall start with a picture..


Dont you just love my new 'haircut'? lol..

Surrender all
Surrender all
Im dead to sin
Alive within

This song kept on ringing in my head..

Here I am, alone in my room, doing my own "FOP". Kinda sad, that I couldnt go for the finale. All I want, is just 1 more day with God..

Just 1 more day..

Lord, Im so broken inside. Everytime I walk along the road downstairs, all I could think of is You, how we jogged together and prayed together in the middle of the night.

Even when I dont feel loved by my friends, even when Im feeling discouraged and lonely, You were there, always have been, always will be..

Every sunday, without fail, I would listen to worship songs and cry for the whole day. God, I really love You, I really miss You..God, I wish I could just drop out of NS, God, apart from You I am nothing, I need no one..=(

Im missing cg and church again, after a phenomenal FOP last night. Just not being able to go for the finale tonight, made me cry buckets.

Whenever I miss church of cg peeps, it would last the entire week. Everytime I do my run and exercise and pumpings, I would think of all of you and I would have the strength to move on..

My emotional tank is going haywire too. I tend to fall in love and out of love easily, especially during this period. And ill be happy some days and down other days, but mostly feeling down. Missing people you love, etc. Maybe because my emotional tank is empty..and left unattended for a long time. =S

Im okay with admitting my weaknesses, at least Im mature enough and genuine about it. I really need an emotional breakthrough. Every week Im running on low petrol..God, I need more of You..

God, I dont want to feel lonely, God, I dont want to feel as if Im going through everything alone, Lord, its okay if people are busy, God, I just want to be with You, please show Yourself strong..

All I have, all I am, Lord, I give to you..

Even when I have nothing,

Lord I will still surrender my all..to You..

CG and FOP

CG was awesome. - message on how God moves in your life; periods of delays and dead ends.

FOP was phenomenal. - message on taking responsibility over your own life.

The 2 messages kinda flowed.

Fellowship at pastamania after FOP was great, even though my eyes were like closing lol.

Reached home at 1am.

This song that's playing is the one song that made me cry buckets..

Tmr is sunday..=/

Short post

Talked with Ting for 1hr 40min last night on the phone. Its always like that..somehow when Im going through the toughest moments in my life, thats when I need to break free, step out and encourage someone else even if it means getting nothing back in return.

I broke my phonecall duration record :O
Slept at 445am.

How far are you willing to go, to serve God, to serve people? At what expense? Even with nothing left, I still gave of myself. What about you?

Serving God and serving people, is nothing to do with talent or strength (Oh, im strong and all that), it has to do with willingness and passion.

The incense of worship, the incense of prayer, the incense of love..
Without fire, they are just mere dust.

You can have the best looking figure,
You can have the highest educational qualification,
You can prophesy and see angels,
You can be serving, you can be doing many things for the celgrp,

But without love, you are nothing.

Going makeup cg now, will blog again later.

Lousy week

This week is absolutely depressing.

Screwed up standard obstacle course due to fear of heights and fear of falling. Almost vomitted, sprained my shoulder, and in the middle of the week, a diarrhoea outbreak due to food poisoning, more than half my squad down.

Thankfully, I didnt get it. Praise God for that.

But sadly, those who got it got 2 days MC, they booked out on thursday while I booked out on friday 10pm, due to a compulsory soccer match we had to support. O_O

This whole week feels as if every hardship I go through, I go through alone,
Whereas when others are going through THEIR tough times, I willingly avail myself
To be there for them, even though I feel like breaking down myself.

I feel like Im no longer part of a church or celgrp..I no longer miss my friends in cg and church.

It feels kinda weird.

The past 2 weeks have been a lonely period for me, the reason why Im more closer to my bunk/squadmates now is because of the sh*t we go through together, and whenever I feel down, they were the ones that were there, even though they dont know it, just by cracking some lame jokes or dirty jokes to make me laugh, really made my day.

Our new FI isnt so bad, training-wise its tougher, but he's a reasonable guy, really fights and defends his squad a lot, cares a lot. Tough love I would say. But once in awhile, we still say hi and catch up a little during our after-meal breaks, with our previous FI, whom we've grown so much, 'attached' to..because it was he who looked after us, gave us diet talks, planned bonding sessions and fun PT for us..

Well, the only good thing I can look forward to now is that next friday Im booking out at 12pm.

All in all, this week..I really feel dead inside. Not spiritually, but emotionally dead.

I dont talk to anyone, I stone the whole week. Even when Im doing barrack duty in the barrack room, record log sheets and squad movement, key loans, etc. Our coy commander dropped by in the afternoon to crap with us..

Thank God for great people in my life in camp. Even my coy commander asked me, "hey..you dont talk to anyone one ah? why you so quiet one?"..=/

Well, I guess Im anti social. At least right now I am. I dont like talking to anyone, nor meeting anyone. I dont know why.

To some people..

Friends are people who are there with you when ure down.
To them, you are someone just there, solely to meet their needs.

When they need help, they find you.
When they're doing well, they forget about you.

Im tired of pressing into people's lives when they choose not to take initiative and responsibility over their own friendships. Sometimes I feel Im jus wasting my smses and calls. Stupid.

Now I know how God feels when He tries to commune with you and all you do is to mind your own business, go ahead living your own life, solving your own damn problems!

Only when ure in need, THEN you pray to Him! In school you have friends, outside, you have friends. You're always surrounded by people. Always occupied, always busy.

Well, Im not. Im always alone, by myself, no company, no nothing. Just me and God..and everytime I think about it, I really sympathise with God, He has brought me through this period to kinda let me have a taste of how being neglected feels like, but yet at the same time, I really envy Him how He's able to handle billions of people like that..

God is always pressing into your life, but so many people just take it for granted.

Selfish relationship.

Well..Ill end by saying this..you can hate me all you want, I dont care.

How you treat people is how you treat God.
How you talk to people is how you talk to God.

Ive done my best, to encourage, to take interest, to take initiative, to help.
If you just wanna ignore and take advantage of me, by all means go ahead.

It just simply reflects what kind of heart you have.

There's really nothing more I can say.