Draagy

Have i blogged abt service yet? dont think i did.

it was great. ps phil emphasized the one thing that will change lives and destinies..and that is in the power of prayer. one thing that i find it so hard to do..with all my assignments and common tests coming up..

it was so distracting dring service..i could only hear myself singing..i couldnt even hear clapping even..okay, mebbe its not that bad, i could hear elaine beside me. other than that, the people around me are either sleeping or stoning. worship also dont lift your hands. pray also hear myself only.

jus by sitting and standing there i feel like falling asleep. the lighting is bad enough, then still got these kind of people around me..build atmosphere huh? you think i one-man show isit?

was supposed to serve on tt week, but then i had too much assignments to complete so my bro helped replace me for tt week. thx. already im debarring here and there, warning here and there, and all my modules are collapsing right before my eyes, and not only that i have to deal with a hell load of assignments, overdue and incomplete...tests coming that are unprepared for..and worst of all, stupid people that suddenly pop out of nowhere in my life to deesiao me.

...with no reference to anyone...

had guitar lesson with bao yesterday after sch. sch ended at 1pm had lunch with bao and later mark cheong dropped by. so long nv see u man..haha..great to see u! =) after tt bao rode me to his hse for lesson. it was gd i mus say. lots of things to learn. at least its something to keep my mind occupied.

sounds so bad..machiam i making guitar an escape door/excuse like that..oh wells..ROSE too then. =x after that had dinner with cg at beach road area, 10-15min walk frm lavender MRT. e chicken rice there was awesome..esp the sauce..haha..

after that while i went back with sebas, on e way went to e toilet at lavender MRT. and there i found a new road, not really found but discovered a new road in sg tt ive nv come across before..

its called Horne Road (horny road) wahaha..next time i take cab to lavender to make passport or anything ill tell e cab driver..horny road..and wads more interesting is that its right in front of the toilet! the moment you come out of the toilet ull see the sign: horne road..

aiya, horny road sounds nicer...

well, id probably guess its named a guy called mr. horny..OOPS!

yup..that road is making me horny..me so horny..LOL..

haiz, cant believed yesterday i wasted like 7hours outside, after school..sch end at 1pm reach home at 9pm..:S could do so much in 7hrs. i thought of skipping cg just for this wk..sigh i dunno wad to do..im tired..ive been sleeping 3-5hrs a day, since 2 wks ago..

including weekends..either im serving or i just cant sleep more than 4-5hrs..

and im aging very fast..i dunno but i just feel it..even my looks have changed within a short period of time...its not normal cus before i came into year3, id feel so lively and energetic everyday..stress kills..and i cant stand it..

gone now..bye!

Siiiaaaannn

sian debarrment here and there....

no mood to do anything. im not good at anything..from studies to even gaming and other stuffs. my scm assignment is already 1 day late and im still doing..T_T

today after IMGT got 5 hr break then DSA from 4pm to 6pm. so i went home first. fell asleep and woke up at 4..=.= so missed another DSA lesson. im so pro right? late for 4pm class because i overslept!!! =/

everyone having holiday..play ROSE level so frigging fast. all my friends all lvl100+ already. study not good at least i can try to be good at gaming..it wont work either. i suck at everything. arrgh! now no mood to study, no mood to play, no mood to eat, no mood to rest, no mood to sleep...yes..moodless for anything and everything.

nothing interests me now..im tired. i dont wanna do anything anymore. jus wanna rot till i die. at the rate im sleeping everyday, i really hope that one day ill just faint somewhere...:s and subconsciously stay asleep forever...

and if u think i had the mood to blog, i dont. in fact, my blog has crossed over 600 posts in my archives..takes awhile to load and publish..-.-" my blog is over 3 years old..im thinking of creating a new one.

and i dont understand why people change blog machiam changing underwear like that. if u want to change so much then dont blog in the first place. you think editing HTML codes very fun isit?? i see codes until i wanna puke even editing my template!!!!! fag!!!

no offense to those who change their URLs.

for 3 years, i studied nothing but computer language...even my brain works like a computer now. as long as im out of RAM or harddisk space, ill display my 'illegal operation message', or my 'blue screen'. if one day im pissed off i might just post my blog entry in binary..-.-"

Phil Pringle Service 2

You can download the notes HERE

Hesitant blogging

ive been hesitant to update my blog nowadays. i have no interest in school, in games, or even in blogging anymore..tink im not interested in people too..starting to..

abt that incident, i cant be bothered. and i dont care. cus i dont think you do either.

cg with ps audrey was great. she kept on moving in the word of knowledge and word of wisdom..haha. i got stunned and some of it actually referred to me. and im sure others experienced the same thing one way or another. worship was just so incredible. she's my new inspiration ^^ heh..XD sometimes we look so much at a person that we forget the One BEHIND the person..

but ignoring the person himself/herself is another thing altogether..hmm..

cleared my EC proposal. but still got timeline by end of this wk. tmr mus submit another assignment which i havent even started yet. :s

somehow everytime during AnB without fail, those prudential ppl will come up to me. this time i signed up for a 1 month trial. i dunno wad came over me, i must be crazy..scrimping that amt for AnB pledge plus that fixed amt for the temp account (4% or 6% interest, cant rem), which is 100% refundable.

at KFC JP e other day, there was this guy who's deaf and selling keychains..i was filled with compassion and i bought it for 5 bucks. yes..5 bucks..during AnB, i have my pledge amt, plus the new savings plan acc, and now..5 bucks for someone who's not as fortunate as me..

how stretching could it be? but PTL, our target was $17,000,000 and we got a total pledge of
$22,795,506..indeed God does exceedingly abundantly above all we can ask or imagine..

i just cant wait to fulfill my pledges and make things happen..:D

very tired..havent been eatin well for e past 3 days..just now had diarrhoea..it was green in color! :s i was in terrible pain but i didnt show it i guess..and ive not had more than 4-5hrs sleep everyday for 2 weeks straight now..:S

plus i have an unstarted assignment to submit today at 1159pm..my bro helping to replace me for my ministry..=/

I wanna comprain..

Prayer meeting

it was just simply awesome.

went straight after sch, ROSEd for awhile in the cafe. after PM, met up with the e110sters..haha. went to JP KFC with josh, wendy, stella and joanna aka jo-nana aka bus interchange..hahahaha..:S

its been sooooo long since i had such a great time..haha..the sleeping polar bear has awakened! hahahaha..jo-nana also..haha the sleeping..erm..hmm dont say better..haha - has awakened! haha..lol

feel so recharged XD

if only my modules could recharge T_T

late late late cant sleep cant sleep cant sleep

its so hard to sleep every night..i never fail to sleep later then 3am..as a result im waking up late, and feeling tired everyday. and oh, guess what..today's 1st lesson was on stacks -.- and compiler language:

Infix example:

(a + b) * c - (d + e * f / ((g / h + i - j) * k)) / r

Postfix conversion:

a b + c * d e f * g h / I + j – k * / + r / -

Prefix conversion:

- * + a b c / + d / * e f * - + / g h I j k r

wtf man :O now instead of turning me into a senseless programmer, now im being 'brainwashed' to become a static compiler! woot! ZOMG..incorporated with the BODMAS rule..wth..:O

and they had crazy working formulas that are as long as 4-6 lines...

its like ur addition/subtraction formula u draw on the right side of e paper in pri school, but its 4-6 lines long and its triangular shaped! =.=

yesterday had 4hr break..today 3hr break..ahhhh..and the sch wireless cant watch youtube also..the stupid firewall too strong. damn shag..boring..nothing to do. nowadays i dont blog bcos i love blogging..its more like killing time..=.= kinda like a last resort thing.

later have PM, but b4 tt, after sch..have EC grp discussion..fri mus submit proposal..woot.

cant believe i actually enjoy watching the jap version of power rangers..-.-" not the old ones but all the new ones, like SPD, mystic force and adventurers in jap..woot..oh wells..i am retarded right? hmm..no? well, i got good news for you..im on my way! !!!0.0!!!

The call

got the second call, first was from another lecturer, now its from another module. :S look's like its e end..debarre for more than 2 modules = expulsion.

hmm not bad..not only ive typed the word debarre, ive typed expulsion too..=/

woke up 20min late. the moment i woke up, i was automatically labelled absent. so didnt go even though i could reach at 930am. after 915 was considered absent anyway. then it wouldve been worse if i went in so late..so might as well wait till its over then go for e next class..

upon reaching sch at 1145am found out that my next class was cancelled! and my next class is 4pm-6pm!! WHAT THE!!!! wait 4 hours!!!! theres a construction work going on along the path into school. so made a detour via atrium to go canteen1 to makan..then to my shock, the canteen was frigging full! damn sian, walk all the way back to block31 level 1 classrooms, then to my shock again..no rooms for me to use..

was about to detour again to library..then i gave up. dont want to walk all the way to library only to find out that the library is closed, or library under renovation, or no space..(this part is crap)..i jus sat at the atrium..

im booooored..suddenly i want to learn jap..hmm..im really going insane..

FELLOW ASYLUMISTS, I SEEK YOUR RESIDENCE! =.=

Update

ive been lazy to update my blog lately. service was great. didnt really had dinner after svc...jus some finger food at foyer3. today i didnt really woke up late (around 11plus-12). it so happened i smsed a little too late. i was having my brunch and shower, when i received the sms it was too late. i missed sportified sunday. i stayed at boonlay..it was 2 plus, by e time i reached, it wouldve probably ended already..=/

so i decided to stay home instead. somemore there have so many other cgs, i go there late a bit paiseh. so i didnt go in e end. it's also the same reason why i missed the lessons from the module which i got my debarment letter from..

did i update on last wk's cg? hmm i cant rem also. nv ill just blog it anyway. cg was combined, i didnt know. it was a prayer meeting, i didnt know. oh btw, when adam asked me why i didnt know the timing for today's event..

he told me didnt so-and-so inform u of the time? i checked my inbox..for the last one week. no sms RE e timing...

back to cg..

after cg..went straight home. didnt have money to eat. seems like this week = 0 fellowship :s sat's cg with amber was good. laid hands and prayed for people, many got ministered and fell under the power of God. its been sooooo long, i cant even recall..when was e last time we prayed for people and the glory of God came so strongly..

had to play for 2hrs, cus its praise, testimony, worship, then prayer, then ministry...little or no sermon for last wk. after cg..took train with karwen. she went to work, while i went for svc. managed to reach at 400-410pm.

today whole day stone in front of my comp..not unusual though :S. if for one day i never stone, its a miracle. pigs can fly and fish can drown =/

this post very rush..machiam typing in point form.. :O

Arrgh

its 8am and i havent started on my assignment.

thinking of going for that particular class irks me..immediately ill freeze on the spot, stoned. i cant seem to move or get started. i know deep down i dont wanna attend that class ever again. then again, i know i should. but i cant seem to move the moment i think of going to that class..

fell asleep again by accident..im falling asleep by accident almost everyday, cus im too tired and i never fail to be late everyday cus i didnt schedule the time to sleep. and that class starts at 1, i have to finish my assignment..meet those forsaken classmates whom i dont want to hang around for some reason, get into a group and there are MORE assignments and even presentations and a skit..wtf..

i DONT WANT to go..:S im a stranger, im a nobody..i pon classes since the first lesson because im doing a module that was forced onto me even though it was an elective. i dont wanna go school anymore, i dont wanna play anymore, i just dont feel like doing anything anymore. i just wanna stay at home and rot my way till the end of time =/

i cant imagine what will happen the moment i show myself up for class, everyone will look at me, detest me, look down on me..and everyone will be talking to each other except me. cus everyone else got to go into an elective of their choice, im e only one who doesnt. everyone there had people they knew to talk to, i dont..

i hate IS, still have one proposal for another IS module to submit later, which i have not even started. you know what i do to messed up things..i dont fix it, i dont endure it..i just throw it all away and start all over. i wanna start my 3 years in poly all over..i dont have any mood to continue doing something that will never work out..i hate dwelling on things that are broken, hang out with people that will never change, do things that remain the same..arrgh..

waste my time, waste my energy, id rather do something that im good at, i rather do something that will benefit everyone, id rather do something that i enjoy doing..but..

THERE IS NOT EVEN ONE THING THAT I ENJOY DOING NOW..T_T

you might think, how can i not enjoy gaming when i do it everyday? gaming is not the reason, neither is gaming the excuse..gaming is my SOLUTION!!!!! i dont play because i want to, i play because i just want to forget everything! to keep my mind occupied from my problems! i dont wanna think of anything else, i just want the day to end!

Skin reverted

yes i have reverted the skin..

just by looking at my previous 'ScriptLogic' skin makes me wanna puke..lol

test was okay today, got to submit my 'make-up' WISP assignment tmr. and i havent even started, plus the proposal for EvComm..ahhh..!!! =/

slept at 5am yesterday..by accident..was supposed to revise..but was too tired. i think im pushing myself too much. i dont think ill sleep tonight also..:s

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. Although you may have been hurt before, you tend to bring very little scars into new relationships. You prefer a quirky, unique person to be your lover. You're easy going about who you're with, as long as they love you back. In fights, you speak your mind and don't hold back. You know you're right, and you can get quite angry about it. Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

just bored..lol

Technictypoprogrammophobia

hows the new skin? simple and plain..

dull and boring..

just like programming

i see white background, courier new font texts and red, blue, green fonts for 3 years now..

im going mad just staring at it..

i tink im gonna become a bull or something and go berserk whenever i see white, red, blue or green..=.=

tomorrow is test, i havent revised,
makeup WISP assignment, havent started,
SCM assignment, havent started,
IMGT homework, one 1 week overdue the other havent started,
WAD practicals, 5 incomplete programs
EC proposal hardly half done, reasearch - none

i cant stand it anymore. im sick of programming, whats the use? change here change there. take advantage of my time and energy. i cant stand gaming also. im so bored, no game to play also. take my guitar and play - forget it..

TV? ha..never even touched it for months! music? boring. arcade? throw away.

nothing excites me now, nothing interests me now..if theres one thing i could do now, what would it be? i dont know..nothing i guess!

even if someone were to give me US$1,000,000 ill ask you to go jump down the building and kill yourself! i jus wanna rot all the way. go school also nobody to talk to, go home also nothing to do. tests? throw away la..assignment? throw away..

i jus wanna throw away everything and burn down everything and destroy the whole earth if i could..mebbe i can try joining the terrorist faction..=.=

msn also nobody talking one...youtube also no videos to watch, what the fag man. web videos also load so frigging long..buffer here buffer there..buff your ass man. buff is a boring word. in ROSE hear buff, sian..lecture talk about buffer, even worse..feel like killing myself.

its so true that people will only love and accept you when they see your good side. there is no one other than God..who will love me for my bads and cons. the stupid dog barking, wait till i pull out all your hair and break your neck..then e people upstairs keep on banging, bomb your house then you know..

i wanna sleep forever..

Update

just received another debarment email from another module. *sigh..

overdue assignments, tutorials, practicals, upcoming assignments..i just wanna sleep forever..

people are telling me..work hard and finish this sem and graduate..NO!! for the infinite time..NOOOOO!! i am NOT friggin gonna graduate this sem okay? for the last time!!!! urrgh.

and..stop telling me how great the last combined PM was on sunday. cus i frigging missed it too okay? cus i was serving..happy? stop telling me how great it is..almost every week, someone will make stupid references to it. 'oh..u remember during tt PM..', 'how many of u think that PM was awesome?..' arrgh...stop it...quiet...shaddap..=/ urrgh..

i cant understand anything so far for this sem..happy? T_T well, mebbe except for a bit of SCM. today was getting ready to go for lesson, then when i msged my clazmate which rm was it again..he called back to my surprise and told asked me where was i? there was a Nexus Seminar cum Security/NS seminar.

how i know man, the stupid MEL is down. i think its only me..i cant check my mails, download slides/tutorials...arrgh...

burn java down, burn toshiba down..=/

im tired..so damn tired..no mood to study..no mood to play either..jus wanna stone forever..

people stone..im one level higher..i dont stone, i rock..yes i do..

call me androck..=x

Can i not put a title?

ignore my title..its out of point. thinking of a title to put uses 0.0000001% of my brain energy. and THAT's..not good..lol

had some problems in ministry manpower and i screwed up again..

ps ulf once again talked abt being led by e Spirit. guess im hardly there yet..:s

but then again, who wouldve thought that a person who's depressed, struggling personally, someone who's done badly in exams and someone who's just received a debarment warning frm e school, can turn out to be a mouthpiece for God to minister to people...

i was in a bad shape..i was messed up, in my state of chaos, i said things that i shlnt have. yet in e midst..somehow its as if i was speaking to myself when i said: to recognise what God is doing behind a person.

when i blogged that, i was referring to other people in general. i didnt know it had associations with myself. sometimes God will put you through the consequences of other people's imperfections so that ull know how it feels like and thus, God can speak through you.

im still struggling, still tired. tired of school, tired of 3 years of java. tired of studying 2 years of java, failing once, retaking and getting a result from an F to an A, then suddenly a new java version comes out..all the while i believed that the school will never be interested in what goes on in your personal life..never..

till now i dont even know if that is true.

i just want to stop studying forever...feels as if ive been studying 3 years without a single break. my head hurts, my heart hurts..i just wish i could start all over..its just so messed up. like a pile of junk that doesnt even look like junk.

can u imagine, junk that doesnt look like junk..how can u compare that?

every night i doze off unintentionally, ending up in me waking up late becos i failed to set my alarm clock..and my timetable requires me to change my alarm almost every other day. and everyday i sleep 'by accident'..

i still have incomplete/overdue assignments and tutorials and practicals..every module in this sem, i dont even understand nuts. im tired of studying something that bores me, tired of studying something that doesnt interest me, im tired of doing modules that i was FORCED into bcos i didnt choose..tired of programming..worse than O levels..

im dragging my feet everyday..so shag..i dont wanna study anymore..T_T id rather go wash toilet than to do stupid programming..at least the toiletbowl can debug by itself..:S

id rather spend 3 years of my life doing O level papers once a year than to spend 3 years doing some programming that changes every few years. im just wasting my time, wasting my life away..i tried finding hobbies, games to play, but found none. im gonna have cybertypophobia. if u can understand..good..if u cant, then think somemore..=x

someone make me laugh..

someone make me smile..

last but not least..

..

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someone please bomb Sun Java Technologies Ltd..!!!!

cg with Amber and service

cg was good. presence of God was there and many were ministered. it ended slightly late. i was late for service for, i think, 5-10min. no choice but to squeeze with the cg. service with ps ulf is always the best, bringing us to the next level.

i was frozen by 3 sisters (frm amber's cg) on the bus and on the train. LOL. i jus stood there and froze. for some reason, everytime they look at my face, they'll laugh for minutes..LOL..interesting bunch of people..lol

ps ulf prophesied tt there will be an outpouring and renewing of the life in the spirit, the gifts of the spirit in time to come upon the earth. he prophesied about e JW building, it came to pass. he prophesied on expo hall 8, it came to pass..and many other things.

had dinner at bedok with cg. e noodles frm e nasi lemak stall are nice. sad, cus no more 1.90 nasi lemak. all sold out. :x had lots of laughs. played the made-in-e420: group hai-tai, which is played among more than 3 people..

looking forward to service later..

Secret Place

Lord of my life, I love You
Lord of my days, I trust in You
Living beneath the shelter of Your wings
My heart's safe..

When I am lost, You find me
When I'm in need, You shelter me
Lord of my life
You are my secret place

Clothe me in Your presence Lord
Draw me near to You
All my heart I long to give to You
Living to be near You Lord
I long to see Your face
Lord, forever You're
My secret place

You're my peace
You're my rest
You're my secret place


my previous post wasnt meant to direct at someone, no specifics. i didnt knew who or why. i just let e HS speak to whoever He wants.

its just fire in my heart. fire that's not meant to be consumed. so i let it out. because i dont have anyone whom i can let it all out other than God.

ive made up my mind. ill never close up again. despite the risk, ill keep myself open and vulnerable. even if it means getting hurt by everyone and by people close to me..

its like having an open wound. a wound in the chest soo deep that you can see the human heart. and how vulnerable i was, is like taking a needle and poking into that wound.

love gave Jesus the power to endure the cross. He was vulnerable to criticism, physical abuse, the nails on the cross, people spitting on Him, sicknesses, sins and diseases, poverty...

but He chose to remain on the cross, He chose to remain vulnerable. because love gave Him the power to endure. people can spit on my heart, they can put a crown of thorns into my soul, nothing can be compared with the Cross..

..the symbol of ultimate love and sacrifce..

Speechless

i apologize..i know my previous post was harsh.

but imagine this:

its mothers' day, and u love this particular friend of yours, and uve met his/her mum before. and u wanna do something as a mark of appreciation. so u decided to make a card and a gift for ur friends' mum..

how would you react if your friend's mum suddenly comes up to you, received your gift and card with thanks, then said:

"how's your mum? oh ya, i forgot..she's dead. you shouldve (xxxxxxxxx) before she died.."

dont tell me you'll react by saying..: oh yea, she's dead. praise the Lord! but i have faith that one day, i will go to her grave and resurrect her from the dead..

OH PLEASE GIVE ME A BREAK...

you think its easy for me to get over a situation just like that? not only are u taking me for granted. ure taking God for granted! bcos its He who helped me overcome this problem. to give me faith, hope and love once again..

and to bring back the past is like saying..'God never mind wad..if tt guy goes into depression again you can restore him again ma..'

sometimes people fail to see God behind the scenes of e person. i know God is doing something great in my life. but some dont, so they just come in with all their 'parenting' skills..

ive never said this to anyone before..but ill say it:

please be more sensitive..to me, to what God is doing. dont presume, dont assume, be led!

even in e midst of my turmoil, i know God works for the good of those who love Him, but others may not. even if i dont see it, i believe it by faith and i receive it.

how many times, i would spend 2hours on the phone listening to someone one share his/her problems?

how many times i would listen undividedly to people's problems on MSN and yet despite depression, despite failures, despite emotional trauma, despite all thats going on in my life, and YET being able to be led by the Spirit to encourage and to speak a rhema/a revelation to the person to build him/her up..?

its because im not only emotionally sensitive, im spiritually sensitive. i look beyond the surface of things and i see what God is doing in the person's life before i actually speak tt word. its not bcos im lucky that i always know what is going on, its not me who always seem to speak the right words at e right time..it was God all along.

and yet when i share my problems, how many actually listen to me the way i listened to them? you may be doing the right thing but are you doing the God-thing?

its not about wisdom or knowledge or strength, wisdom is good, understanding is good, but ultimately what's most important is to be led. not but what you feel but by what God speaks to you..

when i share my problems, you think im angry or upset because of someone or something? have you forgotten what you have learnt in marriage seminar just a few weeks ago? have you actually practiced and lived out the Word? you just shoot verses at me (Not to encourage me, but to point out my badpoints), you think im a fool? you think i dunno what is going on? you think i dunno why im angry?

im not that mentally challenged that i dont know my own emotions and intentions..

of course i know what is going on. all i need is a listening ear, is that so difficult? you think the HS cannot speak to me RE areas in my life i need to change? you think im soo far off that i cant even hear the HS speaking to me, convicting my heart?

of course i hear them all! you think i say those things so that i can hate someone/something? you obviously dont know me well enough. i can say this because i know and ive been through it. i can forgive in less than 24hours. i can forget a problem in less than 24hours. i can get over something in less than 24hours. unless i tell you otherwise.

stop saying things like..'oh u shldnt be angry..', 'u shld do this and that..', you think i dont know? God is not a mute and i am not a deaf man. God already convicted me way before i even share with you. i only share those things so that ill see how you will react and to be able to tell who i really mean to you. also i share those things, because from young, i grew up in an environment when im not allowed to open myself up..i grew up in a 'mind your own business' enrivonment..

and its true. everytime i open up and share something, i know im risking my privacy, i know im vulnerable. and without fail everytime i will get hurt instead.

its because i find it hard to open and express myself because of repeated hurts, thats why i accumulate my hurts. there is no one there who will tolerate me, who can? and yet when people come to me, i never fail to lift e person up. why? i dunno, i love them. love covers a multitude of sins.

and why is it that no one out there can hear me the way i hear them?

its sad. its as if im being taken advantage of. but anyway, im used to it already.

just as God is looking for someone whom He can use. im looking for someone who can hear..

Today is not my day

not only did i receive that call, i left for school. when i reached boonlay MRT, i realised my EZLink was at home. went back to get it. reached school a bit late. but so happened just nice cross 10min (grace time), so in e end was marked absent.

then after lesson went to grab a bite. accidentally bit on a stainless steel fork..but tooth almost cracked..teeth pain..

then as i left for cg, suddenly stomachache. then during celgrp halfway during worship, forgot to take out one of the chords for e 2nd worship song. then during e 1st worship song, halfway during 'singing in the spirit' my pick broke..

so many things happening..its too much of a coincidence. if u see through natural eyes u wont understand..but its ok.

managed to reach wayne's place just in time. cg was great. e moment i played, all my problems went away, and e presence of God came...guess the gift of God is e only thing that is irrevocable. (as learnt in GOTHS).

after cg had fun playing 5-man hai-tai and this number game..cant rem e name..haha.

after tt wayne drove 5 of us: me, qing feng, sebas, pohchoo and huixin to Kovan NEL Stn. took NEL to dhoby ghaut. accompanied huixin on the NSL to sembawang. yes..i got it right. always confuse between serangoon and sembawang..

then took train to JE and now reached home. its 110am. later playing for another cg.

thanks HX for e SMS. its e only sms ive received today that i treasured the most..:)

sometimes its better for me to just keep quiet. if not someone along e way will come in and remind u of something that has already been dealt with, even though unintentionally. e person can stir up e wrong emotions all over again..:S

i dont think ill ever share my problems ever again..arrgh, why must the frigging past be reminded!?!!!!?!! thats it..im shutting myself..spoil my mood to blog.

with friends like these who needs enemies. STOP telling me what to do. STOP pointing out my mistakes! I KNOW THEM!!!! all i need is just someone to LISTEN TO ME DAMNIT! the least you could do is to show me that u love me for who i am, to lend me a listening ear, a shoulder. if not..then i got 2 words for ya..:

SHUT UP!

null

just got a call RE attendance...

and debarment..

jus msged a particular cgm ive not msged for more than a month..not even talk or even say hi in MSN. feels as if we're no longer friends..like aliens and total strangers. i cant even bring myself to say hi whenever i see e person, its as if i no longer knew the person. wasnt expecting e person to reply my sms anyway..but e person did. but somehow something's stopping me from replying the sms..

its in e worse times that u see people whom u once loved and cared for, go further and further away. there are some others whom ive not talked to for days as well..

i dont wanna open myself anymore..its not helping..id rather hurt myself than hurt others. im nothing more than a burden. someone who is always bothering people with my problems. everyone seems fine except me. no one faces as much opposition as i do.

i know of people who wont feel like talking to me after reading this, bcos i know u probably wont. just bcos my life is in a mess and nothing good can come out of it. its ok, u can see me e way u want to see me. im not gonna force myself to let u see me for who i really am.

my heart is heavy, and im getting back the chest pains..sometimes i feel i wanna end it all..

when im laughing, people are there..

when im in tears, im all alone..

i guess im not as strong as i used to be..maybe i never was..

Thoughts

its so true when ps said, e moment u open urself up, u become vulnerable.

so true..it got worse instead..

next time maybe i should just keep things to myself and shut up.

many assumed. many didnt understand. many failed to see through my hurts and intentions.

not only im hurt, now im disappointed..and other stuffs

many can know about a person and yet not know a person..

ill just live my own life from now on..

-closed-

Damn sian plus some stupid woman

(null)

More pics!!! =)

BS was great..finally finished GOTHS! yay!

ROSE reset is getting way too near..i cant imagine 5000-10000 over people in one small "Birth Island" all level1 noobs again..hahaha

its gonna be sooo laaag, and soooo crowded, everyone will be KSing each other..LOL. Jellybeans getting raped and KSed :o




special effect 1 :D (hawker spirit skill)




special effect 2 =) (hawker spirit again)




level12x raider




level 13x raider (thanks to GM =p)




activating 'stealth'..




'SingaporeSiao' clan:

left ro right: TopsyPink, Me(Soap), Sha0owheart, KoolBoyZ, kms




last but not least...my favourite pic..(mana blood spell cast) =)


school is killing me man..combining the 2 most CMI and most boring subjects..amaths PLUS programming! woot!..:O so much assignment and homework..arrgh..i need a break.

come to think of it...i NEVER had a break..0.0

had lunch with lu long and xzhi today..so happened to bump into them in canteen1..haha. xian zhi will be playing the orchestra for service this week :D sunday serving, hope to catch up with him backstage :D

playing for amber's cg again this week..haa..

so many things...dunno whether to scream or cry..never mind..i shall laugh then...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! =p

...

...

...

...

...

yea right..=.=

Bored, sleepless

well, sch wasnt too bad. feeling sleepy everyday man, no matter how long i sleep..=x lol

class ended at 5 today. stayed back after class with ken, HT and wenzhe to discuss EvComm assignment. glad we finished most of the generics required. we finished at around 615-630pm.

ken and HT went home on their bikes. i accompanied wenzhe to the bus-stop chatted a little. she's from School of EE. chinese national too :D

suddenly i thought..why suddenly so many chinese nationals start popping all over the place? lol..from celgrp to MSN (where unknown ppl will add me and say hi, nice to meet u, in actual fact i really have no idea how they even got my contact in e first place :S), to friends in school..

my cheena really *inhales-through-mouth. mebbe its time for a change...0.0

oh yes, took one ROSE pic today:



left(back): Soap (me)
right(back): Cradlex2xGrave (knew him since my noob days ^^)
left(front): ImFriendly (i jus met today, heard frm Cradle he studies in NP too! woot!)
right(front): LongZai (one of their friend/clanmate, i dont really know him, prob from SG too)

well, cant sleep..getting bored to death. its really amazing how u have hundreds of msn contacts and not one msg window appear for hours...

Ruff-Rose

Rose is back on only for today and mebbe tmr, e last day before e server resets. We had fun doing naked marches, screenshot manias, PVP, etc.




This is me and glowing Rima, just met today. She's glowing because of the glow from my wings..LOL. Yea, i finally removed that hideous 'mask of lies' and replaced it with charming sunglasses..hahaha.




That's me and Shadowheart. The best pic ive taken. :D We've levelled together since our noob days haha. Im 120, he's 125. my sunglasses look a bit big and geeky hahaha..i like <3



Me and suemei aka Smarties. knew her since iROSE days and my early FlyFF days. we are standing on the ship 'front platform', trying to re-enact the titanic scene..haha.




Me and Kizzkaze. another pal whom i knew since my noob days..haha. e 1st 3 pics were taken in Junon. this is taken frm Luna. hopefully i can get 1 more ss taken in Eldeon before they wipe :S

A tribute to those who knew me. See you guys in the 'new generation!' XD

Sunday

stayed home today. feel so weird to be at home on Sunday. miss those days when we had service5 at JW. but we've come so far..

im getting restless at home..lol. on friday one of my teachers called me RE something abt one of my IS modules. and if u know me, theres nothing i can do about it. :s

i wanna do my homework, but e stupid sch website keeps on going down..or am i e only one? T_T arrgh..lol

im bored and restless now..lol..hmm..

got lots of homework, but cant seem to get started..no mood for homework either. website keep on going down, and this all new java5 that's totally alien to me..arrgh..

AnB pledging weekend

service was just phenomenal.

all of us gave our 6month pledge to build God a great house. no more moving in value, but its time to move from value to the priceless, to the precious!

God didnt ask abraham for his possessions and lands..He asked for the one thing that was precious to him, Isaac. But just before abraham was about to thrust the knife into Isaac, God stopped Him. after that, God knew that Abraham indeed truly loved God more than anyone or anything else. "Blessing i will bless you and multiplying i will multiply your descendents as the sands of the seashore and as the stars in e sky...."

"he who blesses you will be blessed. he who curses you will be cursed and in you all the families on the earth shall be blessed."

solomon gave his precious..when the people gave 1 spotless lamb, he gave a thousand..then God blessed him with overflowing that the next offering once again, he gave his precious, this time, 20,000 lambs and more. (have to recheck the figures). and just by giving the precious, not only did he become the wisest man, he became the richest man of his time.

when joseph's brothers came to him to buy grain, he sold them grain, but he told them if they wanted to buy more the next time, that they had to bring Benjamin.

Benjamin was their family secret, Jacob had already 'lost' Joseph, Benjamin was all he had left. But when they moved from the valuable to the precious, not only did they receive SACKS of grain, they went back in CARTS and WAGON-loads of grain, not only enough to feed their family, but the ENTIRE NATION!!!

God doesnt just want you to be blessed, He wants you to be a BLESSING! freely u have received, freely give!

a woman was about to have her last meal with her son, and Elijah came. in the midst of a drought and famine. and asked the woman for that piece of bread which was her last meal. it was the most precious thing to her and her son. but she gave. and in return not only did they received abundantly, but they had MORE than enough to feed her entire family, for her ENTIRE LIFETIME!

last of all, Jesus Himself gave that which was the most precious to Him, His life. He lived a blameless, sinless, spotless perfect life. He became sin so that we through Him can receive the righteousness in God and eternal life.

"I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it". this verse has always been evident in my life. God always does exceedingly abundantly above all we can ask or imagine. God is not limited, neither is He a cheapo, there is no lack or scarcity in Him, He is ElShaddai, the God of MORE than enough.

arise and build is the time when the TRUE DISCIPLES are differentiated from the rest. because only the committed only those who truly love God will be there to pledge.

we are a bunch of people who dont tolerate nonsense. if u MIA, we'll call u, we'll check on ur attendance for service, BS and PMs, etc. if u wanna live a slack, uncommitted, visionless, purposeless, those with a 'cant be bothered' attitude, irresponsible, unaccountable, convenience-based life, undisciplined character and attitude, then CHC is not for you. its not a place for just believers, its not a place just where you are being spoonfed 'milk', its a place for DISCIPLES who want to grow and to mature and do great things for God that will leave behind a legacy!

people come and people go, but only the best will stay. :D

if u wanna be a child of God, then be the BEST. i like wad ps said, "if Jesus is not your Lord of all, He is not your Lord at all." God is interested in details. What God wants is your whole life. Little become much when placed in the Master's hands.

it's not what you believe, but WHO you believe.

im really excited to see the new building. where literally TENS of THOUSANDS of people can come together at a central place to worship God. where more missionaries can be trained, where lives can be changed and where the marketplace will be penetrated and changed for the glory of God. like ps kong, i can see 100,000 members, or even 300,000. if Ps Dr Cho can have 95x,xxx in seoul, korea, what more we who live in a technologically advanced country!

you will never give the precious, until you see the harvest. "For the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising its shame..and now is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.."

God is indeed raising up a new generation of young people, that have the faith to believe God for the best. the attitude of giving and sacrifice and conviction and commitment. a generation that will take Asia for Christ and a church that is making a difference not just locally, but regionally and globally.


THOUGHTS

oh yea, we finally got our new DVD sampler. its amazing. it really helps my daily devotion.

after service went to bedok for dinner and fellowship. Buying nasi lemak have never been so heartpain before..hahaha..

ive nv reached home so early either. lol.

feeling a couple of mixed emotions right now. with school and others. sometimes u forgave someone for something, but somehow the hurt and scar is still there. and whenever u see tt person ull just feel so weird..i just cant bring myself to be myself anymore whenever e person is around..

its like an 'auto-closing' mechanism on the inside..i cant seem to bring myself to ever face the person ever again..

with others i can be myself, happy, laughing and open, then its like all of a sudden, that auto closing mechanism on the inside will suddenly close up when a particular person is around..and i become someone totally different.

God, i need You, im at a deadend..take all of me in exchange for all of You..

celgrp

celgrp was great. didnt get to play for this wk, cus of timing changes.

AnB is ust a few hours away..and ive already known more or less, e amt im gonna pledge when God spoke to me during cg sermon. like what we learnt, we give not out of obligation but out of revelation..

you can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving. do you have what it takes to love? someone once said, 'if ure not willing to die for something, ure not fit to live.'

many people talk the talk, but how many actually walk the walk? this period of AnB, indeed like wayne said, we'll see who truly loves God and are willing to walk in faith and commitment. it kinda acts like a filter. haha..tt way only the best stay..it happens all the time..

many come to church just bcos its fun and convenient. but we're not interested in convenience, we're interested in conviction, not just in making converts, but in making DISCIPLES! if church was something convenient, then only the laziest, sloppiest and the most undisciplined people will be in the church!

i was meditating on wad ps said a few weeks ago, you can have a saved heart, and yet have a pagan mind! also, i was meditating on wad i learnt in BS a few wks ago. what is frustration? frustration is love without the power of God.

your loved one is sick. you love the person, but you dont have the power of God to heal that person. that is frustration. you love someone and yet you dont have the finances to buy the person a simple bdae gift or even a card. that is frustration.

i cant wait for pledging weekend tmr..haha.

i liked wad ps said: love is more than what you desire or admire, but love is what it COSTS you to GIVE! if love doesnt cost, love is lost. the thought of being a MM (ministry member) leaves me with mixed emotions..wayne talked to me RE MM membership. being an OM is one thing, but being a MM is another thing altogether. the amount of responsibility and other things i have to consider..but i really thank God for preparing me for the next level..

a few more hours..:D

CG with SiQi's cg and strange dream

first of all, i wanna talk abt e dream cus we tend to forget dreams tt we had e night before, easily. it started off in clementi. i was supposed to take the train to school, dunno why i intended to alight at commonwealth. then along e way, cant rem wad happened, i alighted at dover to do something. then i decided to take the bus instead. cant rem why also.

on e bus met some old friends. cant rem who.

then as i travelled on e bus, e scene changed to changi airport. and i saw amber's cg. talked to them and it was fun to be with them. saw people like karwen, linda (and her hair was short!!! neck length! i almost got stunned)..then out of nowhere was jonathan wong..e guy frm my sec school..hahahaha..

then the scene changed to service..then changed to the mrt..then i saw ps kong. he asked if the aircon could be lowered. then he left the train and i followed him. somehow, the scene changed to one which i missed the train.

as i followed ps kong it started raining. i had an umbrella and i wanted to share it with him. then he saw me behind and he turned around and said its ok. i followed ps kong to his house. cant clearly describe it, but it doesnt seem to be his house. it was someone else's house, prob his old house, cant rem.

then i was talking and chatting with ps when Sun came home. she talked to ps abt something serious. after awhile, ps thanked me for offering to share my umbrella even he didnt need it at tt time.

the scene changed to the parking lot. and its e most weird dream ever. there was ps' car and a trishaw. dunno how it get there. then surprisingly he rode e trishaw, and he offered to send me home. if i can rem e concept was e arise n build and its about saving money, for this case, on petrol and stuff..i THINK..

then as we were riding, i rem we entered a jungle. and there right beside me was a snake tt popped out, almost snapping my face. and a carnivorous bird flying across my face. i felt as if i could be eaten anytime. i was panicking, shocked..then i rem ps kong, calm as ever, he prayed and spoke a word and immediately all was calm and the wild animals disappeared.

then somehow we arrived and the trishaw changed to his car. ps parked his car while he went to get something from a shop or something. then as i remained in his car, it could park/unpark itself with a remote control..so there was no driver in e car, and it moved by itself..unparking just as ps returned to his car.

and i remembered some hightech gadgets its like the car of the future. after tt i rem ps sending me home, i alighted at my grandma's house..then after ps left, a group of tourists from china appearing at the door..

then slowly nothing much happened and i woke up. strange huh? one thing tt left an impression in me was ps kong. his attitude and his strength, even though he was tired, i saw him for who he is in the dream one way or another. he always have that smile that never fails to calm every situation. to me, he is the nicest looking person ever.

even 'at his house' he still carried the glory, presence and anointing of God. it felt as if i was talking to Jesus Himself, fellowshipping, laughing with Him at his house. ps kong is the nicest guy ever. he's so full of love, full of gentleness, full of faith. words alone cant describe tt dream with ps. i rem there was one time i was gonna wake up, but i forced myself to remain in the dream bcos ps kong was right beside me..it was a once in a lifetime experience and i didnt want to wake up..

its been long since i had good, memorable dreams..:D

back to cg..

haha it was fun meeting a whole bunch of new people. my china need to upgrade man..haha..felt like an alien, or some guy going for taiwan mission trips..lol. it was a bit hard to get used to at first, everyone spoke chinese and in a mainland accent. it was good exposure to me..haha.

most of them are around my age, the cgl jus had a test in SP. so i went to her place with some of her members first. i had problems remembering names for e first time haha..

and surprisingly..her cg only has 3 guys, me and 2 other..and like 10 over girls..woot! i felt even more weird..lol. didnt know what to talk to them about and how to say it..:S i told myself, if i didnt know how to speak, i wont speak..haha..

and i also looked like a foreigner haha..well..someone actually said i was thin! ERM. thanks..haha. some asked me, how long have i been in singapore, assuming i was from china too. because i could speak, thanks too haha XD and siqi said i looked like an indonesian..hahaha

why thank you all..hahaha :D

not bad, i managed to have a few laughs, presence of God was there during PnW and the preaching. had good fellowship. taught some of e sisters how to play simple chords. everyone was like crowding around me and literally watching me. lol..feel so weird. ive never been so 'overpowered' before..lol. and e other 2 guys were like in e room doing something with e laptop and comp..haa. but it was memorable.

and all the people there are nice people who look beautiful too, at e same time on fire for God.

one thing tt left an impression in me is:

never take our praise n worship for granted. e people there were happy with simple PnW. even though e clapping was out, even though the singing was out of tune, but yet..i could feel the joy of the Lord and the presence of God in the meeting.

never take e preaching in my cg for granted. im thankful we have someone like wayne. their preaching style was different, e cgl had to speak in english and translate.

never take our fellowship for granted. i was so moved by how these people, even though they didnt have much, they had a heart of simplicity and gratitude. i came to experience something iv never experienced in a long time..

and sometimes i feel, we shouldnt take wad we have for granted. the people in that cg really moved my heart. it touched me in a way, how God moved so strongly in the lives of those people. i could feel God telling me, 'This is what it's all about..." how God can use ordinary simple people, who dont have much, to do extraordinary things! people whom all they have is love, love for God, love for people. love + faith alone...can bring down the Kingdom of God..

and dont ever think wayne's house is so ulu and inaccessible! yes! yest we walked from somerset MRT to some private housing area, walked past 3 traffic light junctions. walked up a sloped road, turn right, walked up another hill and when we reached the house, we walked up 3-4 storeys on the stairs. u can actually lose weight going to her house for cg..haa. it was a 10-15-20min walk..but i enjoyed it. everything was so different..its a good exposure :D

as i was fasting today. i was reminded on how when we crucify e flesh, the supernatural can envelop our lives. and i can can, its not abt me, its abt God. my cg was fasting, my ministry was fasting. for e upcoming AnB. and i must say im getting all geared up and exciting for e upcoming AnB. :D

it dawned on me how when i was fasting..e moment we become sanctified, e presence of God is on us so readily. that people will be drawn to you, and people who have offended u whom u forgave a long time ago, suddenly comes to you to apologize. it really encourages me to want to go to the next level in my spiritual walk with God..

was having a combined conversation on MSN e night before with Shingy shing shing shing shing li and karry kar kar karwen li..hahahahahaha!

now im being called an de lu lu lu lu li..lol..it was a funny night. we chatted on MSN and on kar's tagboard (we called that the new 'Bloggenger')..hahahaha..sry for 'spamming' sis..LOL. please dont increase the fine haha..if not shingy shing shing shing shing li will come to my house with a pig's head! LOL..

yea..hope u guys enjoyed ur chairlet (chalet) =p=

null

BS was good, even though i was late for 10min.

woke up late today and missed the 1st hour, in other words, i missed the first lesson which was a lecture. :S im tired..im stressed, im on the verge of collapsing..

i need a break..i need time to be myself again, i wanna be alone. but i cant take it when im lonely. for someone who wants to be alone and yet not lonely, its not easy.

tmr cg fasting and ill most likely be playing for Si Qi's cg. fri wont be playing for cg cus my cg timing is at 5pm or 530pm for this wk and i cant reach on time..so im going for E406 cg as a makeup.

honestly speaking, i enjoy playing for Amber's cg..e people there are fun and loving bunch of people, well..not that i know everyone yet..but lets just say..the first impression gives it all. but one thing that im not used to..being one of the oldest people there literally..lol

for those who saw my previous post before i blocked it..well, just ignore it. i needed to let it out so that i preserve my sanity. :S if not ill end up at woodbridge, plasticbridge or somewhere else..

i need to stop taking cabs...

Tuesday, 31 October, 2006

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