Thinking, Feeling

BS was great on wed. even though i find bro kim hock a bit 'fast', but nevertheless i caught it all in my spirit. went to bao's house yesterday for guit lesson. bao's really a blessing frm God. to always have someone there when u need him and someone who doesnt pull u back, or keep u where u are, but someone who really takes me forward.

so many things right now..NS documentations, bookings, etc..guitar guitar guitar, ministry, mooncake, combined celgrp in a few hours time, personal workout schedule, personal spiritual life, school's new term, modules to overload and retake, final year project to retake, i can hardly breathe..

feeling very drained, very tired..but i have to push on..even if it means going beyond my limits. and the worse thing that someone can do on a broken and brittle spirit is to say the wrong things at the wrong time, to make plain assumtions and jumping to wrong conclusions.

i dunno if she'll ever read this..

not tt im cold. im probably just someone who keeps every hurt, every tear, every scar to myself. because im afraid that you will not like what you see..when i open up, i become vulnerable..all my childhood ive been hurting people, i dun wan anyone to be hurt anymore, i dun wanna repeat e same mistake ever again..i dunno what to do, im scared..im hurt, sometimes i jus feel all by myself..i dun wanna people to be hurt bcos of me..T_T

every close relationship that i have, be it with cg members, cg leader brothers or sisters or friends, e quieter i become, e more protective and afraid i become, im afraid of hurting people i love, im afraid of making the wrong move and ill lose them..sometimes i feel all i could do was to bother and hurt people..even if i do love them, i feel tt i can never love them as much..

i tend to be more outgoing with people who are not as close, because its harder for them to be hurt by me..

e moment i started serving God, it seemed everyone else has gone away..i dun wanna lose anymore..God please hold my hand and never let go..You're all i have now..every night i cry to You for a breakthrough, You have blessed me with so much that no words can express how thankful I am.

as i sat there in tears, i stared at my screen, every 10-20 seconds, a message pops, for a few minutes..each time it popped, i broke even more, each time a line popped, i would go deeper into myself and began to cry out..i wanted to be alone..all by myself..no more worries, no more pain, no more being afraid of hurting people ever again..

as i grabbed my guitar, i just sat there and teared. i was literally hugging my guitar in tears on my bed..there was no one i could cry to, no one's shoulder to lean on. all i had was myself and God. i jus sat there and cried..

as i cried, i remembered..that i did nothing to deserve to be where i am right now..it was God all along. without God I am nothing. thank you Jesus for loving me, thank you for your grace..even though i deserved death eventually but u died in my place to give me life, even though i dun deserve the things and the people you've blessed me with..yet You gave them freely because You loved me..

15minutes passed..

30minutes passed..

listened to this song Shing sent me..

unread msges on MSN appeared..eventually i cried to sleep..

Another routine

here i am blogging my time off again..well not really blogging my time cus blogging doesnt take mucn time..:S

received a call frm wayne on mon saying that for some reason bao is not able to play for combined cg this fri and therefore i am. playing for 2-3 diff cgs is one thing, stretching my time and energy, but playing for a combined cg - also based on e fact tt wayne even said tt when bao and i were playing during a combined cg, it was SOFT! - is a whole new different thing.

i really need 3 things right now: anointing, grace, prayer..

everytime i serve e people, i always feel lethargic and tired, but e moment im there, it always seems that God was there to carry me through. sickness begins to leave, i begin to do what i cannot do, etc...well, after that its another story altogether...

well, what do ya know...finally got my ROSE to lvl80 in 2 weeks plus...amazing right? nah, just now PMed someone who's lvl14x asking how long she took, she told me 3 weeks..FAINT!!!

received my letter to book for my medical examination a few days back...wait a minute, didnt i blog this already? or mebbe i didnt..hmm..anyway..

yea im supposed to start e booking tmr. man, e word booking irks me..after what happened e last time i did something related to booking =.=

and oh...Joshua...welcome to ROSE! hahahahaha XD yea, finally someone i can play with haha..got my bro and josh :D

Cant rem when was e last time i blogged

yea, i cant rem. im afraid i might repeat certain things tt ive mentioned in my previous posts..lol then again..oh wells..

cg was good. before tt had guit lesson with bao, attended e406 and e420. i really need to stretch myself man..a LOT! well, thank God everything went smoothly and i had a good time. and man, the chicken curry was the best ive tasted in my entire life!!! =)

i drank up e entire bowl man..lol

left around 1040pm, everyone else had ppl fetchin and e rest went to AMK stn so i went home by myself. reached home after midnight haha..i always do..:s

svc was good on sat. what a surprise indeed. i didnt see tt coming as well. haa. went to pop some eyes after svc. an incident happened that affected me emotionally indirectly. tt left a 'dirtpatch' in my heart..some things just happen just like that. and uve got to know how to deal with it.

although i wasnt affected directly..but oh wells, communication is word, gesture and SPIRIT. so i can tell pretty easily how someone is feeling just by talking to him or her. not tt im good, im nothing w/o God..its Him who makes all things possible. again, i wouldnt be where i am today if not for Him..:D

well, food was nice..but i still prefer chickychicky hahaha...

today was woken up during a most interesting dream..in a most interesting way..

sometimes e things u dream could be e result of something tts happening in reality.

well, in my dream, i was seeing a person in e cg blindfolded. din see e face though. something would be placed in e person's mouth, then e person has to guess what it is and then spit/remove it from her mouth. and so it was, a cockroach went into e person's mouth, a live one...it died in e process and when e person spat it out on her hand...

e worse thing happened..i could see the wings of e cockroach being 'detached' from e body all over e person's hand..then the person flung that piece of dead carcass onto my face! i got a shock, i almost freaked out but surprisingly i didnt, then e scene changed all of a sudden: pamela was screaming at my face and i woke up, and saw my phone was ringing the sms tone frm pam, cus she was supposed to wake me up...

how coincidentally similar eh? well, it has happened many times also..in reality e alarm clock is ringing then in my dream i would dream of a car horn, a person's scream, etc...that will wake me up..luckily i remembered to turn vibrating mode off and turn the ringer mode on..lol

everyone's having weird dreams..what season is this man..haha..

svc was good today as well. and grats ppl, we've completed e 14 lesson, marriage enrichment course! yeah! haha and now i just need to fill in all e remaining blanks on my workbook.

after svc some went for makeup cg and e rest went home. feeling sooooo sleepy and oh ya, ive gotten my letter to book a date for my medical examination..and now my mum's away overseas in china for a silk road tour for 2 wks...

so many things on my mind right now..i cant think straight. things to do, etc..ROSE is down, and other stuffs emotionally and spiritually that i have to settle and sort out..

hmm..who? what? huh? nothing..

yea another random title frm a random guy. BS was good yesterday. a few days back i was walking along e bus interchange and bought a $2 donation ticket for something i din really catch. but i jus bought e tix bcos i wanted to help. tt guy brightened up my day jus by talking to me.

after that as i continued walking this lady selling some accessories and jewelleries was promoting sales and she saw me and started walking to me. i stun already. then she wrapped her arms round mine and started asking me if i wanted to buy for my 'girlfriend'..then she used e 'buy la' thingy then stare into my eyes...dooh...but eventually thank God she let me go..lol...:s

then yesterday on e train, near dhoby ghaut e train suddenly break very suddenly and forcefully. i nalmost flew lol. then worse still this lady beside me grabbed my arm and squeezed it. :s very fun hor, but i could understand cus everyone was like trying to find something to grab.

in just 2 days i kena grabbed twice. doh...

yesterday was stoning as usual at home after i came back. played a few games of reversi with cin and shing online. got e songs for cg today. i somehow i feel very tired. like im going in circles. urrgh. tonight supposed to go expo for muso pract. but somehow i dun feel like goin, cus i need to practice for cg. :S ahhhh...wad to dooooooo...booooooo

appeared in someone's dreams lately. e first one was rather 'embarrassing' so e person din exactly tell me abt it, e 2nd one didnt make sense and was as lame as me..

ya..u feel lame now? oh wait...*takes a pendulum, *swings pendulum..'you are feeling lame..'

Boooooreeeeeed

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

im dying here..

i cant afford to stay home everyday talking to myself, talking on virtual people and eating maggi mee!!! wootz. im rotting...its worse than exams, man i miss sch. at least sch offers e excitement whenever u pon lectures...okay, im kidding, but yea its far more better than this!! urrgh. :S

not only am i numbed, im stoned! im drifting, im floating in mid-air on the chair, (how can i be in midair and on e chair at e same time? anyway...), its driving me insane!!!. can you imagine staying at home everyday since july 2005??? its more than a year man!!! no doubt i have cg on fri, bs on wed, svc on sat and ministry on sun, yet it feels so routine, like im going in circles..no wait, more like im going in OVALS! (if theres such a phrase, if there isnt, well im the pioneer!)

sometimes it gets draggy, sometimes its emotionally draining, im not using my brains, neither am i using my emotions just by doing what i do everyday! urrgh. *pui. honestly speaking, ROSE doesnt excite me, nothing does anyway, its just a means to keep my mind occupied so that i dun become a vegetable and it also helps kill time...

im soooo bored i can go on ranting forever. i cant stand it anymore. mebbe im just e most boring person in e world eh? everyone's probably out somewhere at least once a day. seems that im e only 'weirdo' at home all e time. okay, i admit im a homely guy, but i cant stand being stoned. homely? stoned? no link...:S

even my yralubacov is going haywire...not that there are any wires or hays in my room. btw, haywire? is it a wire made of hay or is it hay shaped in e form of a wire? hmm...:s

well, u might ask, why not go look for a job. ya thanks, u ask me go work for less than a month? no thanks. even if i worked, id probably stone everyone else im working with. lets see, what should i do now? should i do or shouldnt i do? do what u might ask..do lor..do is an action right? so do is an arbitrary action word, so to do without saying to do what simply means to do...well, do something that makes you do something that does..

am i confusing u yet? hmm, thought so. i shall continue...

lets talk about...blogger. u know what a blogger is, it means a ger that blogs! WAHAHAHAHA, take that you homosapien, homobimetrohumaniod or wadever u are..lol

damn im getting way off my sanity. besides, when was e last time i was sane? probably somewhere down the lane..-.-

No mood to blog

just got my IHP results..dun wanna talk abt it.

yesterday queeny came to my hse for guitar. so funny sia, play on my MSN calling people darling and dear..lolz.

yesterday LP called me. it brightened my day. thanks :D

having a lot of things on my mind right now. just went to renew my passport today. okay, so im NOT going off this week, but its in october. still, it makes no difference..:S and i dun wanna go..arrgh damnit. T_T

reached home at 6, immediately fell asleep. just woke up a few minutes ago, scanned my comp, got a few blue screens, restarted and scanned again. dang. my comp is falling apart again. :s

this thurs will be goin down to expo at 730pm for muso pract...'will try'...:S

somehow i dun feel like talking. i dun feel anything anymore. im always getting emotionally attacked. im always having troubles and problems. it seems as though im e only one around who has em. feels as if, im more of a trouble than something else. it feels like im always needing encouragement instead of being an encourager. im always needing help instead of helping other people...i feel so selfish, i feel so weak...

it seems ROSE Online is the one thing that's closest to me now...i feel so far away from everybody. sometimes i few those who are close to me shld stop being my friends, ill bring more trouble to them than anything else. i find myself a bother, i dun want them to be burdened by my burdens..

i dunno..im stone. my heart feels so heavy...:s

Lights, Camera, Serve!

did my first stage duty today. couldnt catch a wink e night before, more like e morning before. after svc on sat, which was just as good, went for dinner at changi mac. left just in time to catch e trian before e last train, reached home past midnight almost 1am. was tired. chatted on MSN for awhile before dozing off eventually. at 3am.

before that i couldnt really sleep because of the thing that laid in front of me. it was gonna be my first stage experience and man, it seems that every stageguy's first experience would be a rather 'memorable' one from what i heard.

so it kinda bugged me e whole night. whole morning in fact. i was excited, but at e same time, uncertain, as i prayed to God, i felt e presence of God so strong that i began to tear. i remembered that where i am today was not because of what i did, but what He did for me. it was His grace that brought me to where i am today.

i sat there and i cried out to God: God, im afraid. please dont let go of me. i cant do anything without You..and God spoke through Joyce: everything will be fine. just have a good rest.

i woke up at 5am, all ready to face e day. it was e presence of God and e joy of e Lord that gave me strength.

and so i reached expo. and before i knew it, it was time for muso pract. got to know e names of everyone on e stage, amelia was experienced so she told guided me along my first stage experience. got to know many things and the experience was just simply fantastic.

standing beside bro raymond and his guitar, bro t.boon and his drums, and behind sis gloria, grace and glen was jus breathtaking. and standing behind ps derek during offering, beside bro poh basically anywhere you stand on e stage, its like standing on the 'power generator' of the tangible presence of God that you feel throughout e service.

so many things were happening, during MusoPract, something happened to one of e keyboard monitors or something, then during actual service, hearing e comms go, problems with IEM, wireless, etc...comms were going like crazy, almost every second comms are just going on and off. at e same time, ppl on stage wanted to adjust their levels on monitors, etc. i was like 'queueing' for my turn to send comms to FB.

and boy it was loud up there. even when e keyboardist was infront of me, they had to raise their voice in order for me to hear what they are saying. sometimes i couldnt even hear, i jus relied on e Holy Spirit and waited awhile, before speaking into e comms by faith what e keyboardist wanted, because service was going on, they cant possibly be turning their heads all e time.

tt was one thing tense abt stage. either that or theyll signal to you and you jus have to decipher what they are trying to get to you. during muso pract, i attended to andrea, ally and one frm e brass section. before service, helped e dramatists with e mics and during svc attended to sis glen.

of course, then again, whenever im doing great things for God, there's always opposition. just 10-15min b4 svc, i had diarrhoea. i rushed myself to e washroom and out despite e pain. but e moment PnW started, e presence and power of God was upon every musician, singer and everyone else on stage and e pain was gone :D

i didnt sneeze, i didnt yawn, i didnt cough! man, i wasnt even nervous. i was as calm as a stone..haha..okay, mebbe stone is e wrong word to use..lolz no doubt i was tired and my leg was aching, esp when i only had 2hrs sleep. but i pulled through. and it was encouraging to know frm mindy that i did quite well as a first-time stage guy. everything went smoothly.

e series on marriage was just as good and its betting better :D

after service met bro poh, had a chat with him and helped him carry his guitar to his car!!! man! haha XD yeah! lol. standing next to him and talking to him is like man, u feel e presence of God all over Him..

He was so fatherly...

had a quite long debrief, celebrated sabrina and samuel's bdae and prayed for em. then met up with queeny, pam, my bro, peng and evan to makan at TM. I LOVE THE TOFU CHICKEN!!! and the SALMON!! hahahaha..

man, ive not talked to evan in a long time. after that went home. was feeling sleepy esp after e meal. i only get to see pam like once a week now, cus shes havin attachment. and peng i only get to see like once in a blue moon now tt we're diff cg and hes servin too.

i dunno if im feeling sad or troubled. my parents wanna go for a 2 day stay in genting and its during e weekend, tt means not only will i miss cg, ill miss TWO services! T_T no words can describe tt feeling.

i just feel so broken, so separated. like my heart was torn into two. to be away from my cg from one week pains me, to be separated frm e house of God hurts me, i cant live without the presence and e house of God, and i cant live without my cg members T_T

and it seems as if i broke my own personal conviction...T_T deep down i dun wanna go. but i stuck...!!!! T_T just now a read a sms frm one of my frens, and saw her blog...i jus sank. i know i can never please everybody, God i just want to be be with You, i jus wanna be with my cg members even though im left out..God..i dun wanna go..i wanna serve you all the days of my life..

i can never be thankful enough for the things You've done for me. all these while You've always been here with me. all these while, my cg members have always been there for me. i dun wanna go, not even for one week...:S

id rather die than to feel so distant from Your house, from those whom i love..

Living to be near You Lord, I long to see Your face....

*tears flow down my face...

Secret Place

Lord of my life
I love You
Lord of my days
I trust in You
Living beneath the shelter
Of Your wings
My heart's safe

For when I am lost
You find me
When I'm in need
You shelter me
Lord of my life
You are my secret place

Clothe me in Your presence Lord
Draw me near to You
All my heart I long to give to You
Living to be near You Lord
I long to see Your face
Lord, forever You're
My secret place

You're my peace
You're my rest
You're my secret place

i love this song..it never failed to bring tears to me. This song came when i was going through the worse moment in my life, when i was about to give up on many things.

But i thank God this week's been really an adventure for me. Thank God for His grace and anointing upon me during celgrp. i came to know that where i am today, is not because of what i did or what i achieved, but because of the grace of God.

it gave me a whole new revelation that changed my life entirely. God is more interested in your AVAILABILITY than your ability! all i had to do was to step out and take responsibility, and God will empower. but e grace and e anointing of God is not excuse for skill and competancy as well. but ive learned that i dun have to struggle, just surrender..

had a great service today. great fellowship too. happy bdae rhongal!

in a few hours time, ill be on e stage for e first time..:s

one thing's that on my mind right now..we are all growing up..:D

Revelations

first of all, i got my simcard replaced :D im still using e same number. just tt now im using a laopok phone...

talked to wayne yesterday, talked to adam today. for e first time i saw a different side of them, a more personal side. it made me see beyond e natural.

wadever's in e natural is also significant in e spiritual.

on e natural, we are skeletons inside a body of organs, muscle and skin. the skeleton is ugly, imperfect, 'fallen'/'dead'. but when e skeleton is covered with muscle, organs and tissues and skin, it becomes a living being.

similarly, we are all like e skeleton, imperfect, weak, fallen on e inside, but because of what Christ did, He clothed us with His righteousness, His glory and gave us His word, faith, hope and love, in Christ we are a new creation, we are alive in Christ!

just as e skeleton is dependent on our fleshly body to survive and to function, we are spiritual beings are dependent on God's word, His grace and the Holy Spirit to function in His Kingdom and to live out His peace, happiness, joy, faith, hope and love!

learned during BS when ps aries shared his story, i learned something important:

dont struggle, just surrender!

what goes up must come down..problems go up, solutions will come down. your tithes and offering go up, blessings come down. whatever is true for e natural, is true for e spiritual!

thats why e world can never except when we get blessed. because in their mind, to give means to waste money and to have lack. but e kingdom of God is always e other way round. e way up is e way down...

just now as i was talking to adam on e phone, it seemed that all my problems dissolved the moment i said 'hi' on the phone!!! i was like man, am i really that desperate for someone to talk to? i never knew that all i ever needed was someone to talk to..:S ooohh myy gooodnessss...lol

also learned that ONLY when you are weak, THEN He is strong!

when i could play for 2-3 cgs without problems, God placed me in wayne's cg. when i was overall IC for my ministry a few wks ago, then God placed me as a stagecrew for this week's svc and PM. when i attended OPM and it seemed my life was soo blessed, e next day my life seemed so 'cursed', no money, no bus, no toilet, no phone...whenever i have a great time with my cg members, e next moment, moody/loneliness/antisocial..

only when you are empty, then God can fill you. if you are so full of yourself all the time, how can God move in you?

whenever im full, whenever everything goes well for me, whenever life seemed so great for me, God empties me so that He can fill me. similarly, whenever you are full, God will empty you and fill you again.

its like changing water. leave it too long and mosquitoes will breed.

was telling pam jus now, what if you had a clone-pam as ur closest friend? if i had a clone-andrew as my closest friend, seriously, ill freak out! lol.

that gave me another revelation. all these revelations i shared came to me when i was letting go of my problems, when i was sharing it with various people and letting it all out. no matter how ugly it is. its like passing motion. it may stink, but if u have to do it, u have to do it..lol

what is the best way to love people as yourself?

its when you see everyone as a clone of yourself! i just found tt out. and i tink it works :D ill see everyone in my cg as myself, wayne, and e members. when i see wayne, someone influential as a clone of myself, ill feel encouraged. when i see members who are imperfect, facing problems, as clones of myself, ill begin to love them even more...

u might find me a bit weird, it seems my blog posts never flow and its like every post is typed by a different person..well..thats what makes me REAL! what to do, God wants me, e devil also want me, pull left, pull right, bless, curse, bless, curse...not funny lor! and its not a game!!! =p lol

speaking of games...im back on ROSE Online!!!!! ^_^

im feeling good! no, im feeling bad! no, i dunno wad im feeling!

friday is coming. i dunno how im gonna do it.

sunday is coming, doing stage! i dunno how im gonna do it. WORSE!!!

i need a break..but i dunno how im gonna put it. think ill jus carry on with e state im in..

jus talked to xxxxxx on e phone, i promised her not to tell anyone. it was something personal. we exchanged personal stories, thoughts and feelings. jus wanna say dun give up k? if i can pull through this you can too! =) e 'badguy' wants u to be disconnected frm God so that he can isolate and make u vulnerable..but im gonna do my best to make sure tt u dont :D hehe..

stay near to e Shepard k? dun run off on ur own :D u have God, u have Wayne, u have me! hahaha =p thanks for talkin with me for almost an hour..i was like exploding on e inside..lol

so..am i feeling better since that day? nope. am i feeling worse? nope. am i feeling e same? nope. am i feeling anything? maybe. am i weird? YES!!!!

emotionally shutting down

one moment, it was all exciting, all overnight prayer meeting, one moment is was all great service, greatly touched and ministered, received emotional healing, the next moment in less than 12hours...i was hit.

went pam's blog say e word: emotional shutdown, somehow i jus felt as though she was talking about me...

spent e entire day in a particular forum, regardin our church..AGAIN..guess its pretty normal. ps kong once said, if no one's talking about you, its because you've not done anything great!

i went in 'discretely' and managed to clear some doubts and brought some light to e situation without em knowing who i am. if not ill be gone too. mus be wise. Cin was tellin me, how when e moment i went in ppl changed frm being critical to being understanding and even sympathetic..

it was God who turned things upside down. practised the sandwich approach. it worked. one guy even got 'targeted at' for posting a 'neutral' post. wad amazes me is that he is an atheist and he could speak those words tt amazed me..

''u stupid devil even if u take my phone away, u were stupid enough to leave my internet on..'' though i cant call anyone, yet i was changing attitudes in a regional forum online!

feeling slightly better. no wait, i dun feel any difference...cus i cant feel nuts. i cant be bothered anymore, this friday i have to play for e406 instead of e420. im jus gonna do wad i can whether u like it or not its not my business..i cant be bothered with anything anymore.

today learned tt i mus admit my emotions...i cant...partly cus i have none..

if there are any emotions i can confess now..

i jus feel so used, yet i nv once complained..but willingly sacrificed my time, my money, my life, for everyone because i love them all. i have gained nothing in return, but yet i do it continuously..always at e expense of myself...to e point when theres no more of myself to give out...i have nv complained about anything, i have never said no...

somehow i feel that by sharing my problems, i feel that some ppl are going like:

"not again, he's gonna start blabbering abt all his problems...cant you just shut up with all your problems and say something nice for once!?!"

"you are so ugly, your problems are just as ugly as you..."

"cant you grow up!?! you think i dont have problems too ah?"

somehow i feel tt people in my cg are getting tired of me. just because im weak, i dun deserve to be strong.

feel tt some ppl are thinking: thats your problem wad, tell me for wad???

everytime im with my cg, it feels as if everyone has something bad to say about me.

feel that people cant be bothered/interested with wads going on in my life, feel that they cant be bothered with me.

everytime i hang around with my cg, e only place i long for is home. i jus wanna go home as fast as i can. feels like im someone insignificant. whether im there or not makes no difference, whether i live or not makes no difference..

almost every other night i would cry myself to sleep. with no one to cry with, no one to talk on e phone with, every night i would hug my bolster and tink of Jesus. i would see him hugging me and giving me a kiss, holding my hand and telling me, you can do it, i love you, i believe in you..

ever since i became cg guitarist...e only person that has never failed to talk to me everyday is Jesus Himself. ever since i became cg guitarist, i feel more and more 'celgrpless', its as if my whole life is given to Christ alone...i dun feel close to anyone anymore, even if i did, it hardly lasted 2-3 days..

today cg had their outreach. since i didnt have anyone with me, i wouldnt make any difference if i went or not, ill only be there to spoil their mood, spoil their fun...guess they pretty much enjoyed e event without me.

its 430am, cant sleep..ill jus lie on my bed...

walking the valley alone...(with God)

The End?

i shouldve seen this coming...especially after a successful prayer meeting...!!! ARRGH!!!!

yesterday was NOT my day!!!

well, no doubt service was good, and we finally got our workbooks. after svc went to changi BK to have dinner and fellowship.

after that, all hell broke loose:

1. missed last train while waiting for cg members (and i stay at boonlay)

2. took bus to cityhall transferred to 174

3. on the SAME side have TWO 174s, 174 and 174m

4. unknowingly boarded 174, thinking both went the same route (cus that side of e road which i took, all goes to boonlay originally)

5. i was tired. only had 3hrs sleep e MORNING before. yet i went to queue at 320pm.

6. bus alighted me in the middle of nowhere, particularly at the SGH bus interchange.

7. i was tired. i was alone. i had no more cash (spent 40bucks on 2 cab trips for e past 2 days, 30 bucks on bao's guitar lesson), i was having stomachache and there was no toilet in sight.

8. no more bus left. i couldnt go home. it was 1plus in e morning. called family members' HP, either didnt pickup or cancelled (probably thinking it was an alarm ring)

9. walked aimlessly for 30min to an hour.

10. on the way found a kopitiam that was closing, no one was there. i was urgent. seeing that noone was looking, i SNEAKED in and went to e washroom unnoticed. before SNEAKING out again...(feels like im a night robber, i couldve jus stolen some cash frm e cash register and took a cab home myself) :S

11. continued walking searching for e nearest busstop with a night bus, hoping that i could intercept a 174m eventually. after walking for an hr, past nightclubs, football clubs, i ended up at the same place!

12. walked past gays, lesbians, cheekopek uncles and aunties, ahbengs and ahlians, prostitutes, drunken people, night gamblers (basically all the worst people you can find at night, especially in the DISTRICT I WAS IN...)

13. i sat down at e busstop. called bao, no answer, called a few ppl no answer. pam was searching for a way home through an online directory. maybe ill just get kidnapped or something...

14. called shiying finally..talked for half an hour. it was around 2plus already in e morning. was thinking mebbe i could stay awake until the first bus comes into operation and i can go home then...

15. finally tried calling bro again and he picked up. felt like the worst person who can call you at 2 plus in e morning, especially when i understands he had to wakeup at 4 plus-5plus to serve on that same day!!! arrrrggggghhhhh, someone kill me....

16. took a cab home, he came down passed me the last 20-30 bucks of my allowance. paid e cab. got home.

17. realised HANDPHONE WAS IN THE CAB!!!!

18. i was worn out, i was tired, i had gone through so much, and now this!!! i couldnt care. whoever gets my phone be happy you received it. i can bless you, you can keep it. nothing matters now..

19. i was on e verge of a breakdown. i wanted to find people to call. i wanted to call pam, i wanted to call bao, i wanted to call eugene, the 3 most dearest people i hold on to more than friends, more than brothers and sisters, even though i dun say it, even though if i say it now, it wouldnt make any difference wouldnt it? :S

20. its too hard. i dunno if i can go on like this...i got ZERO for wally, thinking about the 5, my guitar SUCKS just admit it!!!! damnit!!!! bao, wayne and evan teamed up against me...FINE! i couldnt care anymore, i dun even bother anymore...i might not even continue damnit!

21. felt like crying, no shoulders i could cry on, no one whom i can cry my heart out on the phone. CUS I DIDNT HAVE ONE!!! no one whom i could share my problems and hurts with, other than God, i very much wanted to call shiying too cus she was e one who kept me occupied when i was still in e middle of nowhere...but i couldnt call anyone..

22. eventually i cried myself to sleep...

im not angry, im not sad, i dun feel anything anymore...

CG and OPM

well, its 6.20am, reached home at 6am. prayer meeting was awesome! talk about it later :D

someone save me, im super awake now..even though im yawning and my eyes are tired! but im hyper!!! hahahaha somebarddie storpp meh! lolz. its like 720am now lolz!!!!

went to cut my hair today. talking to my hairstylist jus made my day! haha..friendly guy, fun to be with..chat, jokes, etc. 1st person i talked to for e day! haha

then suddenly received a call frm bao say im needed to play for cg. e night before adam told me i didnt need to cus wayne didnt send me e songs. so i prepared to leave for wayne's place after my haircut. had my bible, pen, wallet etc...but no guitar on me.

so wad to do..? panic!!! lol. in e end, bao asked me to bring e amp instead. well, didnt really use e amp also. so put in e boot of wayne's car cus after cg he would send me and bao to church for OPM.

and so, i took a cab, rushed down to wayne's place. spent $19++ on hair, and $13-15 on cab. total of more than 30 bucks a day. and e day before i paid bao his $30 out of $50 - guitar lesson fee.

when i reached wayne's place, it was already 430pm. then wayne suddenly came up to me asked me to play 4 songs. i have to tab 3 out of 4 songs myself, before bao came. i almost fainted! 30min b4 cg, suddenly ask me to play 4 songs. i dunno how i did it, but i did it.

i got a shock of my life! where to get guitar? wayne passed me his. strings rusty though, very uncomfortable for my fingers. pick not as good, but it was all i had at tt time. just nothing else. i hardly even know e new songs wayne requested. havent even tried playing, let alone practice!!!

but i managed to get e rhythm and chords on e spot. something i never thought id be able to do. no doubt God uses what YOU HAVE. even though it may be insignificant, little. yet i could feel e presence of God during PnW.

i was havin other problems at tt time, so i was kinda overwhelmed by everything...

was deeply impacted, touched and ministered by wayne's testimony...

after cg went to prata house with the dudes and dudettes..lol. e prata was nice. wouldnt recommend e dinosaur though haha..

after tt sat wayne's car with bao, yiling, jing liang (spell correct? :S) and esther.

man it was e most exciting journey! hahahaha. cus wayne kinda lost directions. sent esther home first. on one hand, JY's mom was screaming over e phone on e other hand, everyone else was like...oh no, how to go woodlands ah? frm where we were..lol

at one pt dunno how wayne ended up at thompson road LOL. it was intense, but exciting haha. losing your way and havin to resort to silly things to get direction. like opening e side window and horning at e taxi driver to get his attention and ask for directions, as well as TRYING to get other passengers to talk through e side window..

i said trying cus theres this guy who seemed to stare intently at e traffic light, waiting for a green, and wayne was stuck again. we tried to get his attention but we couldnt. lol. instead, i saw his wife next to him, DIGGING HER NOSE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAA....oh man....

then got one time yiling was talking on e phone, askin for directions...before tt bao called his dad whos a cabbie to ask for directions too. then thinking yiling was talkin to her dad or uncle or something..yiling passed e phone to bao..

then e first thing he said was: hi uncle...

and guess what..

it was no uncle!!! it was wenrui!!! HAHAHAHAAA....we were like..cracked up..lolz i cant imagine wenrui's reaction when he heard: hi uncle! hahahahaha...yiling was like: hi what uncle??? its wenrui lor! haha..bao's reaction was stoned, everyone else cracked lol

okay...moving on..

so we managed to send yiling and JY home. i just know tt wayne left a good impression on JY's dad. :D and so..with 30minutes left, and time ticking...we rushed down for OPM. not only was time of e essence, there were times, wayne was in between e turning lane and e straight lane at e traffic light...and he was like askin..left or straight? left or straight...? hurry! no time already!

then in e end turned left, cus it was so near e kerb already..lol in e end tts how we ended up at thomson rd..and further down is like orchard already and we're supposed to be at woodlands lol

OPM was awesome! its been MONTHS!!!!!! ive been waiting for this moment and i dun intend to let it slip me by...NO WAY! lol.

first session was e usual stirring up session, PnW, general prayer, impartation, etc. then during e first break went to cafe had tasty noodles haha...and 2 packet drinks. while drinking met up with Shiying outside e media control room...(did i name it correctly? lol), e last time i ever stepped in was when i was still doing lvl4 for e first few weeks in ministry, during fri service, and i would go into e media rm to watch svc when BS kicked off.

had some conversations with her...then she was like: are u crazy? sick still go jogging? hahaha yes i was...well, at THAT TIME tt is..lol. couldnt take it anymore. haa.. we all deserve a round of applause..haha stayed through! yeah! *clapclap..XD

session 2 was e usual, DETAILED prayer. we prayed through e prayer list in groups of 2-3..FOR AN HOUR! haha. it seemed long but when me and bao got into it, we realised time flies very fast and we still had like one third of e prayer list uncompleted! LOL.

then another break. it was more relaxing cus i had already eaten and filled my empty stomach during e first break hahas.

then e last session, ministry session...its e best part! =) those who endure TO THE END will be saved! :D e atmosphere was so strong. even though we only had bro poh's guit and the keyboardist. ps zhuang gave an altarcall for those spiritually dry and lost e first love as well.

its all about opportunities...

it was e most intimate time for me during tt moment. 1st session was e 'combo' session (i named it, haha), 2nd session was e 'stretching' session and e last session was e ministry session :D

well, i was greatly and deeply touched by e love of God. there was one intimate moment, while we were singing First, in my spirit, i saw Jesus walking to me. He sat down, took out a golden guitar! man! :o and He sang to me (as we sang e chorus):

My first love, forever you will be
My first breath, you're e life in me
My first joy, e world can never take from Me
My covenant with you, Andrew.....

i jus teared like crazy in e presence of God...all this while ive been singing to Jesus, then this time, He sang to me...

im His first love, forever i will be, im precious to Him

im His first breath, His breath of life breathed in me, im the life in Him - He delights in me.

im His first joy, God loves all of us equally, AND individually. He loves to fellowship with me, we enjoy each other's company..

His covenant with me, will never be broken. He will always be there for me, even when i am faithless, He remains faithful...

there are a few touching intimate moments with God. first time was when God said, 'Im sorry..' when he say me in e state i was then, depressed. then God said, 'thank you, for...i appreciate it', and now, Jesus sings this song to me...nothing could melt my heart more than e unconditional, eternal love of God! =)

He reminded me, why i feel e way i am now. ive been seeking my guitar more than i sought Him. ive been trying to chase after a dream tt was only meant for God to carry me there...

then i remembered e song we sang in e 1st session tt made me tear on my knees: im coming back to e heart of worship...ure looking into my heart..ill bring u more than a song.

i remembered when God spoke to me: your primary calling is not just to be a cg guitarist, ur primary calling is not just to lead one day, but your primary calling is TO ME...

tt ringed in my head over and over again...all in all, despite everything tt i tried my best to do, God is still drawn to my heart, He cares more about my relationship with Him than anything else. i could become e best guitarist in e world, but for what use??? gain e whole world and lose my own soul? at e cost of my relationship with God???

talk abt growth...why no growth? its because all this while...we say that WE want growth. WE wanna do this for so and so, WE wanna reach out to so and so..WE, I, ME, MYSELF...

stop weeing and start youing!!!! what YOU want, how YOU want it done, who YOU want me to reach out to, when YOU want me to invite....

stop living YOUR life and start living GOD'S life!!!

Back!

wads back? my electric guitar! back in my room! hahaha..

well not really...when my amp went down, i went to bao's hse for lesson and i brought my eleguit there and since i had no amp at home, i left it there.

today after lesson, bao lent me his MICRO-AMP that does sound micro at all..lol thanks bro.

now i found out wads keeping my days long and boring..MY ELECTRIC GUITAR!!!! lol

i cant live w/o it. my life feels complete when i got it back and played on it in my room for e first time. haha. man e 1st chord i played was a C chord, it was for e song First. and e moment i strummed e first chord on my eleguit, e presence of God filled the room.

my wife..hahaha...:s

BS was good. ps aries was anointed, good and funny :) hahas.

finally OPM has come! i have been expecting yoouuuu! lol friday combined cg i HEARD, no one told me anything. like anyone ever tells me things..lol

then after tt prob eat, fellowship (if have time) then go for OPM...yea...i MISS MISS MISS SOO SOO MISS OVERNIGHT PRAYER MEETINGS..:D its gonna be great..XD

in case ure wonderin why i changed my background? its becos e site which e previous textured background is based, is down, so my blog had a white bg. but e features are still there.

and why i choose this? no idea, think it kinda fits my mood right now..lol not tt e color and style represents something..its jus appeals to me...^^

Mucish nose, dry cough...jogging!?!?! (PG Content)

im probably the craziest clown on earth...

just went jogging just now under the 1pm sun, along the road downstairs for 2 rounds. okay, i admit, my stamina is kinda rusty cus e last time i jogged was before my FYP.

but tts not e point, e point is tt im still sick with my dry cough and muscish (there might not be such word) nose...kept on coughing every 20-30minute.

during the jog, i was coughing every other minute...

i dunno why i had to push myself to far, i just couldnt take it anymore. e only person i could let it all out on was God...and MYSELF. as i was jogging, e Holy Spirit kept on telling, look after yourself, dun push yourself too hard, its not good for you, etc, etc. at one point He even asked me to stop, cus i was forcing pain upon myself...and in my heart, i was like, 'oh f**k' here, 'oh f**k' there...and i told Him, no, i wont stop until...(this and that)

i was deliberately trying to wear myself out and hoping that i would just faint along e road, see if anyone will notice and mebbe i could forget about all the things tt are going through my mind. i was coughing almost nonstop for a moment, it felt as though my throat was gonna bleed again...

my stomach and chest area, esp my throat, was in great pain partly cus i din eat much in e morning, but i pushed myself even more...finally i couldnt take it...i slowed down and rested towards e end...in my heart i was like: cant i just forget about everything, why mus removing the pain in me an even more greater pain?

i walked up e stairs to my unit. took my clothes off and went and sat on the shower floor. leaned against the wall and closed my eyes. i almost cried but i couldnt, felt no more emotion, was just tired, in pain and exhausted...

as i closed my eyes, i could feel sweat flowing down frm my forehead all over my body, arms and legs..still coughing a little here and there..with all e burdens in my head, to carry alone, just me and God...

no one was online at tt time and there was noone i could talk to..

to my surprise, my nose became more efficient in clearing the mucus after e shower, i could blow my nose easily without stuggling..e mucus just kept coming out and there was so much i could use my fingers and pull em out as they dripped down, out frm my nose...

its not ur normal everyday mucus, it sticks and it stretches long..kinda looked like c-men..lol anyway, told u this post would be PG..lol

but yea, exercising not only burns calories, it also removes toxins in ur body. at a more rapid rate. cus when i stood up frm e shower floor, there were BLACK SPOTS and small BLACK PATCHES on the floor!!!

i was like..man..didnt know human sweat contained so much toxins as well, well..wadever those black spots are...on e floor...

mebbe its just bcos im sick...so more toxins to clear? hmm..

right now my nose is cleared. though e mucus are forming back, but at least i can breathe comfortable now and my breathing is more or less cleared for e moment, and i can smell!!! yes!

and i stopped coughing! cus my throat and nasal is cleared...for now, though e phlegm and mucus is still forming cus im still sick..but its like a throat and nasal 'cleanup'..^^

i can taste my food!!! yeah!

tink im gonna try go jog every afternoon cus e roads are pretty empty downstairs, ppl at work and students in sch and stuff...so hardly anyone, except one or two at e bustops along e way.

then not only can i lose calories, i can clear my throat and nasal so that i can enjoy my food! wahahaha...

KO is havin maintenance now, so ill guess ill go find something else to do..IF theres anything that interests me..lol

well, gonna go for BS later..guess im all alone again..

lonely..im so lonely..i have nobody..im on my owwwwwwwwnnnnnnnn.....=p

What to do???

Its getting worse. Staying at home everyday. Im like home everyday except wed, fri, sat, sun (mebbe) since like...LAST YEAR!!! ahhhhhhhh..*yawn

was watching power rangers on youtube until 430am. haha. well, had lots of memories watching it hahas. no game to play, no sites to surf, hardly touched my phone. someone save mee..lol

and i have no idea wad am i gonna do next sem, have failed modules and mebbe even a failed FYP to deal with...

Steve Irwin was one of my tv 'heroes' when i was in sec sch, i rem watching his vids. heard e news. all i can say is, Steve, u made an impact u were a source of inspiration to me when i was younger..and indeed you lived a dream that you loved and that your passion was in. =)

well, hardly anyone's on MSN, well..there are, just that they are stoned there like pixels on a LCD screen. wad am i talking abt, they ARE pixels on a LCD Screen! =.=

e only few ppl ive chatted with are e same ppl, Eugene, Shing, Xue, and some KO mates - 1 or 2.

actually, almost everyday chat with e same ppl except once in awhile cinth, or shldnt call u cinth, sounds like synth haha like combat synth or somethin frm my AVP2 PC game..haha okay, Cin..

heard e cg went to city hall or something yesterday...heard frm eugene...hmm...tink im e only one who doesnt know...:s and oh, i remembered liz was telling me they going out again today or something to town area..

hmm...its okay..

and how do u answer when ur mum asks you that you have to go out with them and uncle for lunch on sunday at 12 and you cant say no? how do you answer someone who asks you 'can you dont go to the house of God'?

=.= dots

huh huh huh

another title that doesnt make sense :S

well, was talkin to liping yest and its encouraging to know that im an 'angel' to someone's life. oh, thanks for ur E-Card :D

today nothing much, still have cough and running nose...even though my nose has no legs..=x

talkin to xue and gene on MSN jus now. lol eugeneHoh, got mic! =) had audio conv on MSN haha..so cool..

well, i shld get a webcam soon. then i can do stupid videos..

oh wells, dinner time..wayne's meeting some ppl at cityhall, cus gene told me, but i wasnt informed so i guess i dun have to go..

mebbe ill blog again later..

man, im blogging even more frequently now..3 times yesterday, mebbe 1-2 more times today..=x haha

and to my surprise..xue stays at 685a i think, sry if i cant rem..haha and i stay at 665a !!O.O!! added me from Friendster i think..

man i have so many ppl adding me..lol its getting scary.:s

hmm, do we have PM tmr? :S i wish i could go..

Mountain of God

Mountain of God
Third Day

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Chorus:
Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Bridge:
Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

Thanks Cinth for e song, so beautiful haha...xD

well, no more blood, but still coughing badly and flu is recoverin. though i still feel farm at times...oh wells...hopefully i can lead PnW this fri durin cg w/o spreading my germs..:s

Sadded Hussein

Dun mind the title, i know it doesnt make sense. =x

could sleep properly e night before..woke up every 30min coughing and sneezing, before going back for another short period of 'sleep', until i couldnt take it anymore, jus lied there from 3am to 5am trying to sleep, but couldnt.

i quickly smsed mindy at 3 plus in e morning and called her again at 6am to tell her tt i couldnt be there today because of the state i am in. if anyone had seen me in bed just now, the look on my face, nobody would be friends with me..

though it was dark, i could tell me nose was red and i was looking rather pale. u may ask, why sadded? well, not only did i blow my opportunity at my first stage duty, i also - because of my sickness - informed my ministry too late..i dunno of they found a replacement or not..

feel so guilty..just feel theyve helped me so much to grow and mature and i wonder to myself, what have i really done for my ministry..did anything that i do even made an impact? guess not...:s

not only could i not serve, not only were the ministry in lack of manpower because of me, i forgotten to call Shing to wake her up. i was bedridden and i was jus lying there, couldnt feel a thing, couldnt feel any emotion, jus irritation, pain and others. talked to God felt, i coudnt feel His presence, hardly heard Him reply me.

it was like Jesus on e cross all over again, it seems ure all alone...by urself, taking what the world has to offer upon your shoulders. then again, i lifted it to God and i trusted Him, its through this time that He reminded me that there are ppl who care. those who have been encouraging me, calling me...thank you guys n gals, i love u all so much...

1. couldnt serve
2. caused last minute prob to ministry
3. failed to wake shiying in time
4. made cinth stay up so late to give me morning call and wad did i do..i slept through e 1st few calls, and wad happened? i ended up staying at home instead.

my guilt level is already at 400%...

then wanted to watch service online, every 3 seconds buffered for like 10 seconds...could watch properly, skip here skip there, i jus told myself, forget about it..T_T its as gd as not hearing e sermon...

so there u have it..the 5 sadded husseins...plus my cough, slight fever and who knows wad blocking my nose and throat thats making it feel like calcium carbonated sahara desert...

feel like a walking deadman. zack's bdae was yesterday i didnt go...that could have been number 6. but i was just obeyin the Lord, not just to do what is good but to do what is right...

oh yes, number 6...broke my last day of fasting 'prematurely' with a packet of strepsils cus i couldnt take it anymore..so thats 6 sadded husseins..

always feel that whenever ppl press into my life, i always try to press into other ppl's lives, but it always happens that nothing happens. or that im just wasting my time, my energy, my smses, etc, etc...

just thinking wad if one day, i was gone forever just in e blink of an eye...what will i leave behind? have i done my best?

now im rotting at home, worse than a vegetable...jus now i found traces of blood in my phlegm..so it has indeed gotten worse. feels like im dying...rotting, decomposing..:s

id never thought being a cgg for multiple cgs and a soundcrew and a dream/vision-pursuer will cost me so much. but i know its worth it..as for those who cant be bothered, i cant be bothered too...

yesterday during communion, those God-knows-what, keep on moving here, moving there, fidgeting here, fidgeting there...THIS IS NOT FOP YOU KNOW!?!?! ps meng was abt to pray and there u have ppl crossing from one end of e row to another, totally distracting e service and destroying the atmosphere right before your eyes and everyone was watching!!!! i almost shouted at them..i couldve just slapped them regardless of who...

i am someone who puts God first and i am not afraid of offending people...if i were in e flesh for a few seconds, id shouted 'f*ck off b*t*h' ask me move here move there, why dont YOU move instead huh!?! why dont you just get out of the hall when all you can think of is yourself!

if i were a cgl then id request for a member transfer man! i filter every relationship that i have, even though within my cg. i filter very heavily. though i may love each and everyone of them, all of em has a filtering before they establish a closer relationship with me, and im not afraid to filter people out as well.

enough of blabbering...

really thank God for the people who never fails to bring a smile to my face, 2am, 3am, even 5am. if i hadnt gone through this tough moment of my life, i woulnt tell the good friends from the TRUE friends..thanks for all ur smses and calls, even though i was TRYING to sleep ha..cus i kept on waking up almost every 30-60min...

ill just wait and see if theres sadded no. 7...

no.7...that'll complete e circle..:s

1st E420 cg and Sat Svc

well, ill start off by first declaring e end of my 3/12 fast..haha yay. but now im a bit weak though, developed heatiness bcos of something i ate. then it worsened today into bad dry cough, a phlegmish + heaty throat and a mucish nose...had a slight fever here and there..

later i have to wake up at 430am and reach expo by 7am to do stage...itll be my first time. i dunno how im gonna do it. to be alert, to have a good countenance and to present myself well.

before cg on fri, on e train there was this lady that came in and stood in front of me. i couldnt tell if she was pregnant or some other reason. i was thinking is she pregnant or e other reason. i was afraid to give up my seat to her..in case she say..'so you think im ***?'

then i waited one station...then e HS spoke to me: Trust me, just give up your seat for her, she'll be happy and she'll appreciate it.

Then i said: but is she really pregnant or its just...

HS: trust me, she is..

took me awhile then i decided to take e step of faith, and gave up my seat for her. i couldnt tell cus she was dressed casually. to my surprise, she smiled and said 'thank you'...:) and that smiled brightened my day..:D

went to payar lebar with lizhen and adam to have dinner at the kopitiam next to e old church. after that went to wayne's house.

my first cg was super tricky..i dunno how i did it but i managed to pull it off. e only bad thing was tt wayne said my volume was too soft..hmm haha okay, i can change e volume next time. though i felt it wasnt soft le..haha

it was super challenging, e songs almost all in random....

today svc was good, even though i was like coughing and sneezing throughout e svc..:s

fellowshipped after cg and makaned at bedok. it was good. 2 sisters tts amused me was melissa and xing ru (or xinru), haha...man almost everyone got tricked lol...and one didnt realise he got tricked even after he was told he got tricked lol..

happy teletubbies! LOL! lightning Dipsy and the nose hair thats so long that you could flip it over your head! hahahaha...i see ps kong do it e 1st time i couldnt stop laughing hahaha....=p

on e way home it was even more whack and insane..lol. too many things..haha

sick sick sick...serve serve serve...ahhhhhhhhhhh......STAGE!!!!!!! i need rest rest rest!!!