Thinking, Feeling

BS was great on wed. even though i find bro kim hock a bit 'fast', but nevertheless i caught it all in my spirit. went to bao's house yesterday for guit lesson. bao's really a blessing frm God. to always have someone there when u need him and someone who doesnt pull u back, or keep u where u are, but someone who really takes me forward.

so many things right now..NS documentations, bookings, etc..guitar guitar guitar, ministry, mooncake, combined celgrp in a few hours time, personal workout schedule, personal spiritual life, school's new term, modules to overload and retake, final year project to retake, i can hardly breathe..

feeling very drained, very tired..but i have to push on..even if it means going beyond my limits. and the worse thing that someone can do on a broken and brittle spirit is to say the wrong things at the wrong time, to make plain assumtions and jumping to wrong conclusions.

i dunno if she'll ever read this..

not tt im cold. im probably just someone who keeps every hurt, every tear, every scar to myself. because im afraid that you will not like what you see..when i open up, i become vulnerable..all my childhood ive been hurting people, i dun wan anyone to be hurt anymore, i dun wanna repeat e same mistake ever again..i dunno what to do, im scared..im hurt, sometimes i jus feel all by myself..i dun wanna people to be hurt bcos of me..T_T

every close relationship that i have, be it with cg members, cg leader brothers or sisters or friends, e quieter i become, e more protective and afraid i become, im afraid of hurting people i love, im afraid of making the wrong move and ill lose them..sometimes i feel all i could do was to bother and hurt people..even if i do love them, i feel tt i can never love them as much..

i tend to be more outgoing with people who are not as close, because its harder for them to be hurt by me..

e moment i started serving God, it seemed everyone else has gone away..i dun wanna lose anymore..God please hold my hand and never let go..You're all i have now..every night i cry to You for a breakthrough, You have blessed me with so much that no words can express how thankful I am.

as i sat there in tears, i stared at my screen, every 10-20 seconds, a message pops, for a few minutes..each time it popped, i broke even more, each time a line popped, i would go deeper into myself and began to cry out..i wanted to be alone..all by myself..no more worries, no more pain, no more being afraid of hurting people ever again..

as i grabbed my guitar, i just sat there and teared. i was literally hugging my guitar in tears on my bed..there was no one i could cry to, no one's shoulder to lean on. all i had was myself and God. i jus sat there and cried..

as i cried, i remembered..that i did nothing to deserve to be where i am right now..it was God all along. without God I am nothing. thank you Jesus for loving me, thank you for your grace..even though i deserved death eventually but u died in my place to give me life, even though i dun deserve the things and the people you've blessed me with..yet You gave them freely because You loved me..

15minutes passed..

30minutes passed..

listened to this song Shing sent me..

unread msges on MSN appeared..eventually i cried to sleep..