emotionally shutting down

one moment, it was all exciting, all overnight prayer meeting, one moment is was all great service, greatly touched and ministered, received emotional healing, the next moment in less than 12hours...i was hit.

went pam's blog say e word: emotional shutdown, somehow i jus felt as though she was talking about me...

spent e entire day in a particular forum, regardin our church..AGAIN..guess its pretty normal. ps kong once said, if no one's talking about you, its because you've not done anything great!

i went in 'discretely' and managed to clear some doubts and brought some light to e situation without em knowing who i am. if not ill be gone too. mus be wise. Cin was tellin me, how when e moment i went in ppl changed frm being critical to being understanding and even sympathetic..

it was God who turned things upside down. practised the sandwich approach. it worked. one guy even got 'targeted at' for posting a 'neutral' post. wad amazes me is that he is an atheist and he could speak those words tt amazed me..

''u stupid devil even if u take my phone away, u were stupid enough to leave my internet on..'' though i cant call anyone, yet i was changing attitudes in a regional forum online!

feeling slightly better. no wait, i dun feel any difference...cus i cant feel nuts. i cant be bothered anymore, this friday i have to play for e406 instead of e420. im jus gonna do wad i can whether u like it or not its not my business..i cant be bothered with anything anymore.

today learned tt i mus admit my emotions...i cant...partly cus i have none..

if there are any emotions i can confess now..

i jus feel so used, yet i nv once complained..but willingly sacrificed my time, my money, my life, for everyone because i love them all. i have gained nothing in return, but yet i do it continuously..always at e expense of myself...to e point when theres no more of myself to give out...i have nv complained about anything, i have never said no...

somehow i feel that by sharing my problems, i feel that some ppl are going like:

"not again, he's gonna start blabbering abt all his problems...cant you just shut up with all your problems and say something nice for once!?!"

"you are so ugly, your problems are just as ugly as you..."

"cant you grow up!?! you think i dont have problems too ah?"

somehow i feel tt people in my cg are getting tired of me. just because im weak, i dun deserve to be strong.

feel tt some ppl are thinking: thats your problem wad, tell me for wad???

everytime im with my cg, it feels as if everyone has something bad to say about me.

feel that people cant be bothered/interested with wads going on in my life, feel that they cant be bothered with me.

everytime i hang around with my cg, e only place i long for is home. i jus wanna go home as fast as i can. feels like im someone insignificant. whether im there or not makes no difference, whether i live or not makes no difference..

almost every other night i would cry myself to sleep. with no one to cry with, no one to talk on e phone with, every night i would hug my bolster and tink of Jesus. i would see him hugging me and giving me a kiss, holding my hand and telling me, you can do it, i love you, i believe in you..

ever since i became cg guitarist...e only person that has never failed to talk to me everyday is Jesus Himself. ever since i became cg guitarist, i feel more and more 'celgrpless', its as if my whole life is given to Christ alone...i dun feel close to anyone anymore, even if i did, it hardly lasted 2-3 days..

today cg had their outreach. since i didnt have anyone with me, i wouldnt make any difference if i went or not, ill only be there to spoil their mood, spoil their fun...guess they pretty much enjoyed e event without me.

its 430am, cant sleep..ill jus lie on my bed...

walking the valley alone...(with God)