Sadded Hussein

Dun mind the title, i know it doesnt make sense. =x

could sleep properly e night before..woke up every 30min coughing and sneezing, before going back for another short period of 'sleep', until i couldnt take it anymore, jus lied there from 3am to 5am trying to sleep, but couldnt.

i quickly smsed mindy at 3 plus in e morning and called her again at 6am to tell her tt i couldnt be there today because of the state i am in. if anyone had seen me in bed just now, the look on my face, nobody would be friends with me..

though it was dark, i could tell me nose was red and i was looking rather pale. u may ask, why sadded? well, not only did i blow my opportunity at my first stage duty, i also - because of my sickness - informed my ministry too late..i dunno of they found a replacement or not..

feel so guilty..just feel theyve helped me so much to grow and mature and i wonder to myself, what have i really done for my ministry..did anything that i do even made an impact? guess not...:s

not only could i not serve, not only were the ministry in lack of manpower because of me, i forgotten to call Shing to wake her up. i was bedridden and i was jus lying there, couldnt feel a thing, couldnt feel any emotion, jus irritation, pain and others. talked to God felt, i coudnt feel His presence, hardly heard Him reply me.

it was like Jesus on e cross all over again, it seems ure all alone...by urself, taking what the world has to offer upon your shoulders. then again, i lifted it to God and i trusted Him, its through this time that He reminded me that there are ppl who care. those who have been encouraging me, calling me...thank you guys n gals, i love u all so much...

1. couldnt serve
2. caused last minute prob to ministry
3. failed to wake shiying in time
4. made cinth stay up so late to give me morning call and wad did i do..i slept through e 1st few calls, and wad happened? i ended up staying at home instead.

my guilt level is already at 400%...

then wanted to watch service online, every 3 seconds buffered for like 10 seconds...could watch properly, skip here skip there, i jus told myself, forget about it..T_T its as gd as not hearing e sermon...

so there u have it..the 5 sadded husseins...plus my cough, slight fever and who knows wad blocking my nose and throat thats making it feel like calcium carbonated sahara desert...

feel like a walking deadman. zack's bdae was yesterday i didnt go...that could have been number 6. but i was just obeyin the Lord, not just to do what is good but to do what is right...

oh yes, number 6...broke my last day of fasting 'prematurely' with a packet of strepsils cus i couldnt take it anymore..so thats 6 sadded husseins..

always feel that whenever ppl press into my life, i always try to press into other ppl's lives, but it always happens that nothing happens. or that im just wasting my time, my energy, my smses, etc, etc...

just thinking wad if one day, i was gone forever just in e blink of an eye...what will i leave behind? have i done my best?

now im rotting at home, worse than a vegetable...jus now i found traces of blood in my phlegm..so it has indeed gotten worse. feels like im dying...rotting, decomposing..:s

id never thought being a cgg for multiple cgs and a soundcrew and a dream/vision-pursuer will cost me so much. but i know its worth it..as for those who cant be bothered, i cant be bothered too...

yesterday during communion, those God-knows-what, keep on moving here, moving there, fidgeting here, fidgeting there...THIS IS NOT FOP YOU KNOW!?!?! ps meng was abt to pray and there u have ppl crossing from one end of e row to another, totally distracting e service and destroying the atmosphere right before your eyes and everyone was watching!!!! i almost shouted at them..i couldve just slapped them regardless of who...

i am someone who puts God first and i am not afraid of offending people...if i were in e flesh for a few seconds, id shouted 'f*ck off b*t*h' ask me move here move there, why dont YOU move instead huh!?! why dont you just get out of the hall when all you can think of is yourself!

if i were a cgl then id request for a member transfer man! i filter every relationship that i have, even though within my cg. i filter very heavily. though i may love each and everyone of them, all of em has a filtering before they establish a closer relationship with me, and im not afraid to filter people out as well.

enough of blabbering...

really thank God for the people who never fails to bring a smile to my face, 2am, 3am, even 5am. if i hadnt gone through this tough moment of my life, i woulnt tell the good friends from the TRUE friends..thanks for all ur smses and calls, even though i was TRYING to sleep ha..cus i kept on waking up almost every 30-60min...

ill just wait and see if theres sadded no. 7...

no.7...that'll complete e circle..:s