Tuesday

man my posts are getting more boring..lol

once again im in e lib, having 3hour break! woot..can sleep man..lol i completed Halo in 2 days plus, see im that bored..lol =x

15min more and ill be in class again. i need a new game man..:S swords and sandals is not bad, can help me kill time..haha..

http://playaholics.com/play/swordsandsandals

booooooooooored..0.0 lol

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. Although you may have been hurt before, you tend to bring very little scars into new relationships. You prefer a quirky, unique person to be your lover. You're easy going about who you're with, as long as they love you back. In fights, you speak your mind and don't hold back. You know you're right, and you can get quite angry about it. Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace. You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions. You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected. It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional. You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others. While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well. At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything. You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams. You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

i was bored...lol

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

Shag

yes, if theres one word to describe my mood now..its good old shaggy, dont tink too much, i didnt mean saggy..anyway..

feel so shag that my face has sagged..okay, that didnt make sense...=x

feeling tired..guess i was sleeping with my eyes and ears open..

talk about 'living stones'..yea im stoning, without stoning..:S

today my hair is so screwed..looks as if theres a mini palm tree on top of my head :$ feel so weird..like some cartoon character man..dunno whether to laugh or to cry. =x

feel like sleeping, dun wanna go school, dun wanna go anywhere..

speaking of going somewhere, went to JP again jus now..*sigh

wanna play game also no game to play..dont talk about tictactoe..ill strangle you...:S

Monday

finally after 15min this blogger finally loaded!

again..my bro didnt wake me up..cus he was playing FRIGGIN MU ONLINE! so pissed off. excuses..a bunch of excuses..'oh im not going to school wad..' EXACTLY damnit. arrgh..so mad.

he's e only person ive ever shouted to. prob cus for other people, i consume my own hurts. thus...accumulation...its weird but true. for other people, i dont get angry, i dun express and confess it, i consume it and bottle it up...and i hurt myself in e process...

call me suicidal but thats who i am. sometimes i would be so hurt..that ill go to the arcade..play SC2 and 'frag' and 'pwn' other challenger players with aggressive and violent intent. sometimes even if he was just a kid/gal, i would perfect the kid/gal 3-0. its e only time i can release my frustrations and hurts..in a 'no mercy' manner..i didnt care who e person is..sometimes ill piss e challenger off, hoping that he will start a fight with me so that i can take my laptop and smash his head with it..and smash until he is fatally wounded..or until he dies..

of cus i dont do that..its jus an image in my mind normally at tt time..

almost everyday..i survive on 'limit'. every single day, im at my limits, cus i never release them. even if i do..i dont think ill ever empty my 'bowels'..its like: 99% -> 90% -> back to 99%

anytime i could just go off..esp when im tired..

its like holding diarrhoea for hours and finally letting it all go in e toilet..

lesson was boring, but i learnt lots of stuff. surprisingly. and its all maths!!!! arrgh..e only 2 subjects i hate e most is programming and maths..and this whole sem is programming and maths..wad the h*ll..

i jus wanna go home now...man, i dun even know where i wanna go...

suddenly i remembered a few days ago..while i was having late night dinner, prob either cus i jus reached home from cg or svc or BS..as i was eating..HS was discipling me..:

"Andrew, just talk to xxxxxx, sometimes you've got to learn to take initiative. Its good to depend on Me, but sometimes you must also learn to speak to situations in your life. Only when you use what I have placed in you, then you will see results. You must come to a place where you dont have to keep on waiting for Me to tell you what to do, I believe you can be more sensitive and have the wisdom to do the right thing at the right time..Step out in responsibility and I will empower you.."

i forgotten what i wanted to type..:S

lesson in 5min..lost focus on blogging..i seldom get distracted while blogging to e extent tt i even forget what i wanna type..

just had omelette fried rice and as usual..coffee.. and im falling asleep! T_T school until 6pm today..stoned. :S another break later..shall blog again..

ARRGH 6PM!!!!!!!! argahrgahrghagrhgaaaa.....

service, ministry and long lost prayer meeting

tired tired tired, sleepy sleepy sleepy..lol..

woke up late today..and my bro was awake like at least half an hr b4 me and what was he doing? PLAYING STUPID MU ONLINE! :S it was 620am tt i woke up and we were supposed to meet elvin in the cab at 620am..and guess what my bro asked me? WHAT TIME IS IT??

u think tiger beer commercial ah..arrgh cant stand it..e moment hes on e comp, he loses all sense of reason and time. =x

ministry wasnt too bad..tired but kept on going. after svc..something happened tt kinda agitated me. one of e rooms so clever go and keep the equipment..and guess what. immediately in less than 10minutes is ps derek's cg meeting!!!!! and im like wad the h*ll are u doing!?!?! of course i didnt say it out..i was so pissed..everyone was there i was like a fool, like a clown setting up EQ in front of them...

u think i poser ah?!?! *Bish so malu...luckily i didnt get scolded...

there was one time i went to toilet and lo and behold, ps aries, ps yong, ps meng and ps yock kiang all 4 at once..!!! i walk in i stunned..:x lol

ended at around 4 plus today...

*sigh..e prayer meeting was e best..and yet i cant do anything but to watch from a distance..T_T

after everything was over..i was too tired..too much thoughts..i just made my way home. on e way to e mrt met e cg, but i didnt have e mood to fellowship..honestly..i almost wanted to ignore and walk past blindly..but i got spotted..

well, saturday was an exciting day for me..to play for my 2nd and 3rd in cg in a week and e 2nd and 3rd cg..back to back. it was tiring, physically, but i enjoyed every moment of it :D got to know a few new friends..some of which i felt so open with..felt comfortable being myself..haha..

one thing i must thank God for..i left after e PnW of e 3rd cg at around 4pm..managed to get a cab near JW church at around 420pm..in e cab i was like praying to God, asking for a miracle. i told Him, 'Lord, i put You first all the time, I have given my offering of time to serve You and Your people, Lord, bless me back with more time, time to be able to reach service on time, i dun even wanna miss e 1st song..God please..i know You can.."

and indeed, from boonlay to expo..i left JW at 420pm and reached expo at 452pm, by e time i walked in and sat down it was 4.59pm exactly!!!! praise God! =) indeed God is faithful..give and it shall be given back to you, good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be added unto you..!!! =)

ooh and i saw xianzhi playing in e orchestra...cool man..haha..XD

a few more hours and its back to school..a few more days and its AnB pledging weekend!

boo to school, yay to arise n build..:x

call me a freak..=p and oh, ive reinstalled Halo..game anyone? hahaha..^^

great celgrp

even though i was physically drained..

yea i was dependent on God for strength to play for cg..thank you Jesus for so many things..

today i reached home at e earliest time...after cg intended to look for e406 cus heard they were eating nearby..but they had left. so a few of us e420 ppl went home.

sometimes a hurt leaves behind a scar. find it hard to talk to a particular friend now. not tt im blaming anyone..its just hard now..im no longer as opened. in fact, im closing up more now..:S i can never be myself again..

tmr will be playing for 2 cgs straight. its exciting cus its a time i can stretch myself..max no. of cgs i played for was 2 in a week. this week itll be 3! :D tmr one of e cg's its gonna be 'emotional' time for e leader and e members..no disband dont worry..just a time of transition for them..

dont worry..i believe God is doing something behind the scenes XD 'i know the thoughts i think towards you, thoughts of good and not of evil, to give u a future and a hope."

well, 1st cg starts at 1230pm and e 2nd one starts at 3pm..i can go after e PnW for cg2. ill prob reach expo just nice if i take a cab down..

so excited..dav holmes and andrew naylor is back again, and cant wait to get our new PnW DVD. ^^

then again..no PM for me..:S

The reign of Pon

yesterday class wasnt too bad..

coudnt blog cus e stupid firewall in sch was soo powerful that either it took forever to load blogger or i timed out :x woot

im gonna get addicted to caffeine soon..:S almost everyday its at least 2 cans/cups of coffee..

it certainly kept me awake..its like drugs..lol..i need coffee to pass my exams..

speaking of which, it feels just so weird and sometimes disturbing when someone comes up to me and say: oh ure year 3 already ah? SO YOU GRADUATING NEXT YEAR ISIT? SO THIS IS YOUR FINAL YEAR ISIT? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! ITS NOT!!!!!! T_T cant take it..soo demoralising. dont get me wrong, no offense to anyone..if u know me long enough, ull know ill never hurt people..only myself..yes..anger is something hard for me to express..

sooo, nope im not mad at anything or anyone...its just e hurt i feel whenever it happens..tts all..

yesterday practised guitar at adam's place at simei till abt 1130pm..thanks man for sending me home. and thats a super huge car! LOL *sigh..this week will be missing my THIRD CONSECUTIVE churchwide prayer meeting T_T. not zone/service PM, but churchwide can u believe it!?! consecutively...three times!!! all bcos im serving..and where im serving i cant attend...tts e saddest thing tt can happen to me..:S

to be there and not being able to be there..i hate being a spectator..esp during service and PM! arrgh...arrgh...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! =x

i ponned my first IS class today..:S

Boring java lesson..ahh!!! killer!!!

was late for lecture again..

oh wells..but e worst thing was..towards e end, e lecturer said: lets do the quiz now..

im like OMG WHAT QUIZ!?! :O oh wells..tikamed my first quizz..zzzz

now in e 2nd hr of my 3hr lesson..im sleepy, feeling headache, not mental headache, but physically headache-ish, and extremely hungry cus i didnt eat or drink anything since i woke up :s

ahhhhhhhh...borrreeeeeed...cant concentrate anymore....wanna go home T_T and stupid ROSE went down also..so even worse..!!! :S boohoohoo..listen to e radio online also lagging worse than my grandma..arrgh..

ahhhh...stop javalating my life!! waaaaaaaaaah...T_T falling asleep..sigh, every start of the day i look forward to the end of the day..woot :S

oh ya..and e guy in e cubicle..was having an orgasm..hahahahahaha everyone was like rofling!!!!! okay i shall stop here..lol.

Happy Hari Raya to me..

ya..happy hari raya to me indeed..

what else could happen on a cool, happy public holiday? ROSE is down again literally for the whole day and prob for the next few days..AHHH!!!!! at 10am i turned on the comp..and ive been sitting in front of it since morning..

taking my eleguit out and play once in awhile..sooooooooooo boooooring!!! and i jus realised a ROSE friend whom i somehow know in the game goes to FCBC..hmm mebbe can bump into each other lol..but im not sunday service..so..yea..to e sister in christ cum gamer mate..hope ure doing well in ur life..XD

back to hari raya..i was literally stoned. the whole day. and i have this stupid java assignment to design a tictactoe game..arrgh..im beginning to hate tictactoe..lol. WHEN AM I GONNA STOP TOUCHING JAVA MAN??? boohoohoo..

starting to feel e 3yrs in poly is getting me nowhere..really..i look back at e 3yrs its as if they nv happened..:S

sometimes it just feel as if my whole life never happened..lets say if im gone..is there anything i will leave behind? *ponders

tmr cant join cg for fellowship at vivocity..school then rush down for BS..friday cg, sat david holmes and andrew naylor is coming back..next wk is AnB pledging weekend..kinda expecting God to go a great work in my life. in my boring routine life!! arrgh..cant stand it. every week so predictable, so routine and yet God is working behind e scenes, setting me up for something..

I DONT SEE NUTS MAN..boohoohoo..lol

everyday im eating alone in some canteen somewhere, cus im the only weirdo with a super long timetable and super inconvenient breaktimes..either that or everyone else has gone home while im still in school by myself..hmm..no difference from when i dont have school right? haha..:S rawr!

tmr imma probably eat in some canteen again, prob C1, if im lucky..ill meet someone i know, or someone one will come sit with me and do a survey? haha..if not ill prob eat by myself again. even if i bump into ppl i know, they might not recognise me also..machiam wad happened on monday..lol..:S

oh wells..everyone on MSN now is also either busy or 'away'..

ill prob stone till i fall asleep..haha..T_T and i jus woke up from a 2hr nap..no mebbe i wont sleep so early and prob end up sleeping late again and missing the first lesson..=x

sunday and week2 of school

sunday stayed at home..finally can take a break. well, not much of a break also. at night went for a GB BBQ organized by my mum and her other old friends. at aloha loyang chalet at pasir ris! woot so far..haha..

when i was there feel so awkward..hmm..

very tired..drank 2 cans of coffee..having slight headache also..lots of things are going through my mind right now..actually all the time..

people ask me to take a break..but what could i do? as a generally quieter person im a very thinking and feeling person..some events somehow replay in my mind. sometimes a hurt even though its been healed..yet e scar is there when e scab falls off..

im in e school library now..blogging..and listening to e song u hear on my blog. just now had chicken chop..its been awhile since i had western food..canteen was quite empty. and this sweet looking gal approached me for a survey. her smile brightened my day in a way..i was eating alone..as usual..cus other people went home already..and i have wait 2 hrs for another 2hr lesson from 4-6pm..

sometimes all i need is someone to be there to smile. its enough to make my day..

thanks shiying and 1-2 others..who accompanied me 'virtually' on MSN and SMS..guess its better than talking to e wall..im used to that..

i thought of wad ps kong said during svc..tt its in e mundane..the routine and ordinary, tt God is working behind e scenes setting u up for your purpose and destiny. and i look at mine..i dont see anything, i dont recognise anything..its sooo routine..sooo boring..i have breaks when no one is, i stay back in sch when everyone else is home..its as if im soo out of place..

im always out of place..anywhere, anytime..

today woke up late again..its my first absentee in a lecture..1 more and ill deem to have failed e module. and its only week2! arrgh. i wanted to use a sleepy nick for my MSN but e only thing tt crossed my mind was sleeping beauty..and its a lame nick so i used it..^^

still have 1 hour more..woot..LOL..

Update on myself

its gona be a long update. well..sch's bee fine..friday was kinda 'irritating' new IS class..everyone knows each other except me. felt so left out. i didnt want to go for another IS class ever again. and on e first wk we had to get into groups and everyone formed their own group. hais. and i dont have any. guess if i disappear no one would notice also..

2nd IS class was better. our lecturer is a press and magazine editor Yeo Su Lin. studied on events communication. and if its not bad enough. as said truthfully by our lecturer, its e most toughest IS module. e timeslot already killed me. i forgotten to do my IS elective ranking bcos of some stupid NS admin/documentation work..arrgh..screw it! at least i got group..still find it very 'diao'..

i shall start with wednesday. had BS and it was on discerningS of spiritS. well, it was fun, as usual we had a practical session after tt to exercise e gifts. at least im a bit more comfortable now. i can imagine how rusty id be if i didnt exercise em for a week..:S lol..

thursday went to adam's house to practice for fri's cg..simei is alien territory for me..haha not until last night. its adam's first time leading praise n worship. testimony he's been doing for some time now. rock on bro! =) glory to glory, strength to strength, faith to faith! :D

fri's cg was unique for me. a lot of ppl were having a rough emotional weak. and it was up to me and adam to step out and change things around. but im glad PnW went smoothly. and e testimonies, even though long, were e best ive heard..it really built my faith XD haha..adam's games are always fun in a way tt we have to use our brains..it really enforces our creative and focusing ability..lol. i love 'brain scramble' or 'confusion' games..lol

today went to play for shi ying's cg..led by sis amber. haha feels like childrens' church. majority were kids frm childrens' church around pri 5-sec1 or sec2..and some younger. only 3-4 'seniors' haha..well..it was a good experience..working with diff leaders, learning their flow and styles. =)

got to know a few new friends..hehe..:D i felt so at home for some reason..not tt im not with my own cg..i guess its jus e environment i was in..haa XD

service was great today..love e new song. but e chorus sounds a bit like backstreet boys' "I Will Love You More Than That" hahaha...and i guess it was pretty true..

sry man..i really cracked lame today cus i met with a car accident..haha...oOPS! the 'table wiping' incident..and on e train..:

why is the founder of singapore's mass rapid transit company stupid? cus he spelt smart wrongly..LOL

and whats e most scariest MRT station? kallang (kia-lang in hokkien which means scary or to be freaked out)..

what is an electronic (e) malicious (mal) software written from bottom to top, back to front? 'Lame"...(e-mal -> lame)

who was mr bean's gay partner...? dao-gay

what do u call a straight guy or girl? bo-gay (bo = no/dont have in hokkien)

what do you call a buggy information system (IS)? bugis

on e train we stared at e poster which says..'no oil or gas'..fine $5000. what are you breathing right now? gas right? then we went on to say..all those who fart in train should be fined..hahaha.

and elaine's famous: if oxygen is "O2", carbon dioxide is "CO2", Helium is "He", what is laughing gas? "Ha". LOL!!!! woot..i got pwned.

okay i shall stop..lol..before someone kills me..=x

to e dear sister who msged me a few minutes ago..stay strong because its only the beginning of greater things to come. though e cg is gonna disband..your love for God, and your relationships with your members will not disband :) i just know that a breakthrough is coming..and God is in e midst of stretching your faith..

"Will you believe me for greater things?".."Do you trust Me that My thoughts are good and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope?" Says e Lord. Now is the time to not just build..but to ARISE and build, its not abt building buildings..its not even abt building celgrps..its abt building lives! :)) and God is building you..stretching your faith..but He will not snap you..

if you're willing God can take a nobody and make her a somebody..no doubt e process is tough..but once stretched..your life will never be e same again..:D fight on sis..more than just fighting e good fight of faith..you will finish e race! XD

Java for the 3rd time!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

hmm..lets begin by saying:

...

...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

noooooooo, not java again!! ahh..and worse..its e same teacher who taught me C-prog! OMGOSH..noooooooooo..e moment he opened his mouth my eyes closed..what the..:S

not my day..the only thing i understood was nuts..yes..peanuts, cashewnuts, hazelnuts..nuts nuts nuts..arrgh im going nuts..T_T

at least im no longer rotting at home..well..rotting during DSA lesson is no different..:S

whuuaaa..fasting as a ministry today..both teams will be combining and new ICs being trained..its more or less a transition period for us. believing God for a greater breakthrough and an amount for AnB...

now in sch lib..3hr break..3hr lesson later..DIAOZ..

and just now during class..so sleepy..the room so dim and the projection screen so dark..cant see the words also..and its black and white, which makes it worse..:S

then next door people farting so loud..can hear the mechanical drill..T_T

i miss hotplate chicken with egg..m_m *drools..

School started

before i slept last night..this morning rather..i started to get overwhelmed and carried away..hearing things and my imaginations were going wild. i dared not sleep or even lie on the bed..

then somehow i felt led to watch last wk's svc video, even though ive attended e svc already..

but amazingly..during e worship..e same anointing in expo hall 8 entered my room and i felt e tangible presence of God..

i entered into e holy of holies..and for e first time in days..

every wall was broken and every heaviness melted in e presence of God..and i jus sat there with my hands lifted up..in tears..it felt as if its mike connell's deliverance service once again..

yesterday while i was serving at e back during PM..i stepped along e corridor of e conference area..and right outside e toilet was ps andrew naylor and david holmes! and they were chatting outside the toilet for 5minutes..

no one else was there..i was like..: WHERES MY CAMERA???? T_T

boohoohoo..eventually they jus smiled and they left..noooooooo..

e new term's syllabus is interesting..prob cus i had good lecturers this term..i hardly slept..
and e things tt were taught were theoretical initially, but i was drawn to it..

prob cus...NO PROGRAMMING!!!! hahahahaha!!!!

well..today tt is..still got 2 more modules ive havent attended..hopefully no more programming..but one of them is gonna have lots of mathematical calculations..aww man..

now im having a 2 hr break..ending at 6 today..yes..SIX AT NIGHT!!! but i feel so awake..

lets hope e next period is as interesting..and i hope its not just the '1st wk of new sem' syndrome..cus normally after a week or so..itll be back to class gaming..

but its 3rd year and e modules are catered to our majors tt we selected..so my class in other words are all over the place..:S oh wells..i kinda failed to rank my IS electives..so i got em at random..:S and i forgotten to fill in e module overload form..T_T which means my time in NP will prob be extended to retake my CSP module and retake my C programming which i failed :S

and i miss the jap food!!! jap rice with hotplate teriyaki egg with onion and fried chicken pieces..yummy..^^

1hr 20min to go..ROSE is still down..:s

Sights

service was great. david holmes and andrew naylor were great. ministry went on smoothly. PM ended rather late. think my foot has blisters.

i told some ppl..that for e next few weeks..ill be in a worse state than before..

id never thought..itll come this way..

i made people worry about me..one person in particular..which wasnt necessary..

school is starting tmr..

so many things going in my mind and in my heart..

i wish i had someone to hug and cry on..i cant take it anymore..

Paediatric Intensive Care Unit @ NUH..

a place i will never forget..

Its been 7 hours since i talked

did not have anyone to talk to..

kept awake as long as i could..hoping to see a chat window pop up..

waited for God to come and break me once again..to feel love once again..

no one replied. all 10 people whom i msged were 'online'..no smses replied.

you know what happens to anger if its not confessed..

all i needed was someone with a thick skin to help me release myself..

i wanted to get it out as soon as possible..

but i failed.

i dun blame anyone..

i blame only myself..

the biggest mistake ive ever done..was dozing off at 3..

i actually went to sleep with all that anger and frustration..

i went to sleep feeling hot all over my face, with my heart pumping heavily and my blood boiling

which explains why i could wake up at 530am so easily. no alarm clock. i jus woke up.

then i remembered: do not let e sun go down while u are still angry..

but what could i do..? it was 3am in e morning..i was tired, i was drained..i just dozed off..

no one was there to 'rescue' me..

mebbe she was just tired from her work..

mebbe she didnt mean to..but its too late now i guess..i went to sleep with it

and u all know what happens after that..

i feel worse now..my heart is heavy..so hard like concrete..someone can cry on his knees before me and i wont feel a thing..ill go like: hmm..ya..

it hurts so badly..its so painful now, i feel like im dying..im being choked..waking up was e biggest mistake as well..

its too late now. it cant be talked out..cus i dun feel anything anymore. i dun even feel e anger anymore. it has turned to concrete.

id never hurt anyone..never..

which was why i decide to take it upon myself..i chose to hurt myself instead..

but i was never as strong as God Himself..no matter how hard i tried to be like Him..

jesus took all e sins of e world upon Himself..

i took e frustrations of a sister and my own problems upon myself..i took e burden of being in ICU upon myself..i took e burden of ministry upon myself, i took e burden of celgrp upon myself and went to sleep with it..

who ever did i think i was? it eventually imploded in me..and it collapsed upon itself like a black hole..with an intensity so great..that even light cannot escape it..no emotion could escape either. right now, u could talk to me, u could write cards to me, u could hug me, kiss me, do anything..

itll all be sucked down into e endless void tt was caused by an internal implosion and collapsing..

if only my blood vessels would burst right now..everything would be fine..

Repressed anger.

I have lots of things in my mind.

Ministry, personal life, friend in ICU, celgrp..

The worst thing that could ever happen...

was to have someone raise her voice in front of your face and burst everything.

Couldve shouted back at the top of my voice

Something held me back

I was feeling all happy before that.

I was fuming hot from changi mac all the way home. I was burning on e inside.

I could still feel the heat in my face..

My heart is beating like mad and my blood boiling..

If only my blood vessels burst right now..

I remembered the emotional map.

Easier said than done.

I kept quiet.

Images of taking a baseball bat and smashing

Was hurt, but didnt express it.

Now burning mad.

I cant feel anything..cant tear, cant express any emotion.

My heart is heavy.

Its too late now..

It has become a rock.

Repressed.

God help me...

Love, PM and BS

Just some random thoughts:

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love lasts forever. Love is selfless, unconditional, sacrificial and gives. Love takes joy in serving. Love lasts forever, desires to benefit others at the expense of self. Without love, you are nothing.

If you claim you love someone and yet you do not qualify for ALL of these..then you have not truly loved the person, which indeed makes you..a nobody. Shocking? But true. Its all in the Word. Just these few days ive been meditating on those verses above..and true enough. We all need to renew our mind and start loving the God way!

God's wisdom and ways are higher than ours. In the Kingdom of God, the way up is the way down. Its hard to believe, but in e world..when people love..they love base on a CONDITION. There are terms and conditions involved. But to God, love is always unconditional.

In the world, when people love they say: I got to have him/her. He/she is mine. If I don't have him/her, it shows i don't love him/her.

Love is not something we FIGHT for. Love is something we LIVE for! Love is not something we should get but love is something we should GIVE so that they can GET!

Just think of it..how does God love? Not only does He talk the talk, He walk the walk! He demonstrates His love while yet we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Now what happens after that? Does He take the microphone from Heaven and say: After all I've done, how can you not love me???

Does He even say: Let's be together..

The answer is of course a BIG 'NO'! God is Agape. And God is gentle. He confesses His love to us, demonstrates His love..AND THEN..leaves us with a CHOICE to love Him back! But that doesnt mean He stops loving us either. Love has no terms and conditions. It is a CONVENANT, not some clause that you sign with paper and pen. Its not about Him being with us for eternity, but WE being with HIM in eternity!

"For Christ has not come into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him MIGHT be saved." Why MIGHT and not SHOULD or WILL..? Food for thought..

It's because when Jesus laid down His life..He knew that not everyone would love Him back.

So next time you claim you love someone..are you willing to be like Jesus?

Love is more than 'I love you', love is "I will STILL love you'. But of course, love is more than just an emotion, no one can force you to do anything, NO ONE! No doubt, circumstances WILL influence our choices but nevertheless, it is ultimately still OUR CHOICE bcos greater is He who is in us that he who is in e world, therefore, for someone who is strong and mature. There's no such thing as blind love, not unless e person is blind himself =p

Prayer meeting:

It was great. We had a long worship, waited on e Lord and many were touched and ministered. It was so God-encountering for me personally. Its time to get back that first love, that first passion! Then again, i have to reflect on what i had just post also about love..haha. Sometimes God gives u a revelation not only to build others up, but to build urself up as well XD

I miss OPMs..=)

Bible study:

Was good. learnt abt the Word of knowledge and word of wisdom :D ps zhuang was telling us, that what we were learning were formally bible school topics..haha and he said we were as good as bible school students =)

What was amazing was towards e end..there was a 'practical' session. All of us had to pair up..with TWO different people.

Basically we pray, we give a WoW or WoK or both to our partner whom we do not know. I started off sharing a word in cg a few times. And ive only done this, one on one thingy for less than 5-10 times. And everyone was like new and we were like praying in e spirit super long, cus we didnt know what to say..haha

but e first step is always e hardest. nevertheless, it was a good time to exercise our spiritual gifts. I never knew how accurate mine was..but for me, both WoK/WoW given by both people were 100% accurate..one was even 200% accurate..because it came together with a prohecy..of what is gonna happen to be, who i shld go to and what to do..

..which may not necessarily about something good. but like we learnt, WoK/W prepares us psychologically and spritually for e things ahead. e 2nd one was slightly harder..not only do we have to give a WoW/K to another different person whom we dont know..we had to accompany a scrpiture with it as well!! man..we prayed really really long..hahaha..

most of us were 'beginners' haha with maybe one or two 'intermediates'..:S next wk is 'discerning of spirits' lesson..if we do have a practical session..man, i dunno how is it gonna be..lol. i was greatly inspired by ps zhuang's testimony:

when he was in bible school. mike connell was teaching abt WoW/K. and e ppl were paired with an unknow person, everyone was blind folded. first, ps mike told them to speak a WoW/K. then he said: now take ur faith a step further and guess e gender of e person.

ps zhuang was correct. then ps mike said again: now i want you to take ur faith even further and guess e name of e person. and there were like over 300 people..and to get 1 name out of 300, only by God it's possible.

then as he said the person's name..'you are xxxxxx..' and immediately she fell on her knees, tearing before e presence of God..

one of e things ive learned..never despise your youth. we all will grow old one day. but more importantly, never despise what u are going through.

i was so touched..not only by his testimony, but by e 2 bros who prayed for me as well. it was such a personal moment tt ill never know if what i spoke tt night made any difference..but one thing i know, that when God speaks, He performs..

thank you Jesus..:)

Other random thoughts:

This week..missed out on cg's lunch at vivocity, missed out muso pract due to some misunderstanding..didnt answer calls..hand phone keeps on suddenly going dead, having me to restart here and there..(arrgh my old phone!!!)

im like so blur and not myself..dun be surprised if im not myself for e next few weeks/days or i becomes in worse states, esp after hearing frm God through a brother as to what im gonna face esp during this AnB period.

im more or less in a state of psychological and spiritual preparation..:S

theres this phrase that's stuck in my head right now: theres always a first time for everything.

this phrase' been given to me repeatedly by pam, on phone and MSN. i think i saw this phrase for like 3 times already in a week..lol :S God is preparing me..

another attack/nightmare

today spent most of my time at home..

in e afternoon i was playing on my guitar with e worship songs..when one of my mum's church friend..(can u believe it), came to my room, heard me play, heard e song and said..: why u play until like that? you LOUSY LAH...

immediately..it dawned on me..

just 2 days ago i had 'recovered'..and within a split second, i was going through what i went through a few days ago..i felt e same thing, mebbe he's right, im tired, i dont wanna serve anymore..

mebbe its too radical for u to think i change so fast..something must be wrong somewhere, i must be hiding something..no im not..its all genuine experiences..i face different things EVERY 24-48 hours..

immediately i was depressed, i wept on my bed, crying out to God..for almost half an hour. and i eventually slept on my bed..

i was awaken by some knocks on e door..it was time for dinner. i didnt want to open..i felt lousy again..it was a horrible feeling, i didnt want to touch a guitar ever again, i didnt want to eat nor talk to the people outside, let alone even see them..!

as i dozed off again in my tears..in less than 10min i had a flash, a brief moment of nightmare. i saw my self opening up e blades of a scissors, placed my finger between them, and using my other hand to slam down hard on the handle..and i saw my finger flew off with all the blood dripping..

i immediately awoke..i was freaked out..almost on e verge of cold sweat..i felt like screaming but somehow i couldnt..i jus lay there, stoned, in a state of cold shock..i was literally curled up..i cried out to God, but i couldnt feel anything..

but God never left me, and He has never forsaken me..He came so close to me, He placed His arms around me and tried to talk me out..i was still in a state of shock..i was feeling cold..

He was there to assure me that it was just an attack, everything will be alright..i thought of those 3 words, and i could still vividly remember tt horrible experience..i couldnt reply to God even in my Spirit..i was jus too shocked and hurt..

and God began to calm me down, spoke words of encouragement and love to me..it hurt Him to see me in that state..He bagan stroking my head like a Father would to His baby boy..we are all children in e eyes of God..and He is always a loving Father..

when i was more 'composed' He bagan to speak and prophesy directly to me..

"Don't be afraid of what people say Andrew, I am always here. Have i ever let you down? No. Have i even left you alone all by yourself? No. Andrew, listen to me. Heaven and earth will pass away but my Words will never pass away, and My love and commitment to you will never pass away. Andrew I love you and you mean the whole world to Me. I did not make a mistake when i chose you. I knew you even before you were born..I know you more than you even know yourself.."

"You have no idea of the potential I have placed in you. You have no idea of the great things in stored for your future. I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of love, of power and of a sound mind. My grace is always sufficient for You. And i definitely know that thoughts that I think towards you, thoughts of love, of joy, of peace, of future, of potential, of destiny..and not of evil..to give you a future and a hope. Never look down on these hands of yours..''

"Out of these hands, lives will be changed. Out of these hands, hardened hearts will melt. Out of these hands, people will be healed through your ministry in celgrp. Out of these hands, My presence and My glory will go forth. Out of these hands, I will be glorified. Out of these hands, people will be delivered, through the songs that you will play. Out of these hands, people will begin to feel the love of God. Out of these hands, the celgrp will be changed. And out of these hands, I will change the world that you live in.."

"Andrew, your hands are My hands. And your mouth, My mouth..."

and it went on..i couldnt remember the rest. But God spoke to me in a powerful, loving, convicting way. Not only did He restore me, no only did He heal me, not only did He loved me, but the Holy Spirit is also my disciple..my 'pastor', my 'celgrp leader', my mentor and my friend.

i rem what a friend said to me, God never placed me in a situation to discourage me, but that through me He will be glorified. To take me higher..beyond what i could ever imagine.

i rem when i first came to CHC, in my early E110 days..id have 'paralysing demonic attacks in my sleep'..one time i was sleeping and i had a falling feeling, or a feeling being sucked in. and shortly after i couldnt move..when i saw in my spirit, a black figure charging towards me, into me face, laughing hideously..i couldnt move, i couldnt scream, i couldnt blink, i was 'paralyzed'..

at first i was shocked..but e peace of God was there..and fear was 'paralyzed' by the HS. and He began to confess a Word through me and that 'thing' left..

there was another situation when i was again in a paralyzing moment in my sleep..when i felt someone grabbing my hand and slamming it against the wall..i was nervous, shocked, and fearful, not not panicking, i felt no pain..again, HS confessed a Word..(a double-edged sword) and e demon left..

it seemed as though e devil knew how God was gonna use me, even before i even started dreaming and having visions for God..even before i ever touched a guitar. i dun think i have ever shared those 2 experiences before..then again..i wanna be emotionally healthy. and by opening myself up, i become vulnerable..

jus now was sharing with pam online..and b4 i left..i jus encouraged her by saying a few words. i didnt know she was gonna feel e presence of God..i didnt feel anything. that was when e HS reminded me, that God is always close to those with a broken and contrite spirit. and i kinda rem my friend who told me, a few days back..that somehow she feels tt God likes to use me because i am broken and i always show God strong..

if God can use someone as broken as me, God can use you too! God shows no favouritism, if you are reading this, God will say to you:

I formed you before the foundations of the world. I knew you and called you by name. I love you with an everlasting love and you mean all the world to Me. My joy is your strength, My hand is not short that I cannot reach out. No matter what people may say, no matter what you may think, My ways and thoughts are always higher and my Words will never pass away! Do not be tired or weary, for in due season you shall reap if you do not lose heart. Even when u were faithless, I remained faithful to you. Even when you did not believe in yourself, I believed in You. I love you forever, and nothing can separate us, I will never leave you nor forsake You..My grace is always sufficient for You, when you are weak, I am strong, I am your feet when you can't move on..my strength is made perfect in your weaknesses..My presence is always available..ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, knock and it shall be opened to you. I am never far away..be still and know that I am God..

cant wait for PM :D

Celgrp and Svc

celgrp was good. though my fingers were hurting after e 1st cg. thank God i managed to pull through 2 celgrps..not in 2 separate days, but 2 celgrps back to back on e same day. around 5 hours in total..

for those who are worried for me..jus wanna update u guys by saying im fine. these things come and go. i have to fight the 'boss'' in order to enter the next level. just that in this case, Jesus fights on my behalf.

i know its hard to believe that one moment i can be so down, the next moment it seems as if nothing happened. although its very convincing that i may be faking my joy, but i just wanna say that nope..im not fake..

u can ask those close to me..i share anything and everything. im a very open person. there is nothing i can hide from them. if a change or a transformation is natural, then faith wouldnt be needed would it? if change and transformation can be reasoned..then theres no reason for the supernatural would it? no reason to think that it was God who changes lives and that He deserves all the glory now would it?

service was good. im really excited about building fund. ever since i gave for my 1st building fund and missions pledge..my weekly offering for cg and svc has increased from 2 to 5 to 10 and now once in awhile, to 20 or 50.

God is not a man that He should lie. and man is not God that he should live independently from Him. and the haze is pretty bad..Jurong looks like fantasyland/dreamland..i cant even see e block of flats across e road :S

having slight throat irritation already. right now jus thinking if its safe for our members to queue 2hours plus in the haze..:S which is why we need a new place! lol. no more fellowship for me at bedok or any other open areas for now...but, we'll see..ha.

15 minute prophecy (Warning: long post!)

from a good friend i kinda lost contact with...
i didnt say anything, she just msged me if i was alright.
she was sensitive, anointed and obedient..
15 minutes of prophetic words that God spoke through her.
God was speaking directly to me..


u know wat
the presence is not depended on the skills of the guitarist
though it helps
but there's once
attended a cg
the leader couldn't sing
the guitarist was horrible
the clapping was all wrong
the tune was out
but the presence was there
n i'm amazed
sitting there i was thinking
i really hope the guitarist n song leader know how i felt
how touched i was
everything went wrong
but God was there
n everything turned great
i've attended another cg
everything was so perfect
so skillfull
so seem to be anointed
but i felt nothing
nothing at all
i couldn't feel God no matter how hard i tried to pull down His presence
was is lack?
a strong prayer life
i know it's not easy being a guitarist n many times not appreciated
but u got to know
in this world
God have alot of choices for guitarist
u are NEVER a last choice
NEVER a last resort
NEVER
u're God's first choice for that particular cg
becoz God is bringing u up to the next level
not to be compared with ani of ur peers
in this level..
the things to be done
only andrew can do it
n i just felt that God is so excited waiting for u to make a choice not to give up
not to be weaker but to be stronger
to God
it's not a game over
it's a new level
ur last level is being completed
dun be discouraged
if God is for u.. who can be against u?
skills can always be polished
anointing God can always provide
but the choice of giving up or not God cannot say anithing for u
God did the rest..just waiting for u to do ur best
n in those times..
God knows
u did the best u know how
Don't
don't quit on God
He has Never quit on u
n never will
i'm not here just to say some nice words
but i know that God's original purpose for u to play for cg is not to discourage u


u know wat..
i think God loves to use u
becoz u're broken
n u always show God strong
dun give up andrew
i failed alot alot of times too
of coz not in guitar but in singing
but i trust in God
i just refuse to give up
just refuse
yes i'm not the best
yes i may not be as skillful as many
may not be as anointed as many
but one day
i will get to know wat is the exact thing that onli i could n no one else could do in the realm of singing
i'm so hungry to know how unique exactly i am to God
that's y i keep trying n keep trying
u should too
keep trying
find out how unique u are to God in the things u love to do
wat exactly is it that onli u could n no one else could do
u are unique!!
n never compare urself with others
unique means not to be compared

u wanna share anithing?
but if u need anione to tok to u can always call me
xxxxxxxx
this is mi temporary number
anitime k

What have i done???

the celgrp was rather new..i think..

chinese nationals..people who look up to us..

have no cgg..it was hard on them..last minute couldnt find any..

for weeks without a cgg..had to solo..

i was given the chance..

i blew it..

because i didnt feel i could do it..

couldnt rest my mind..

i couldnt let them down..

i was their miracle and breakthrough..

but i was afraid..

i compared with someone else..didnt think i fit e job

mebbe they could find someone else who is better than me..

thought of playing 2 CGs this week

thought of wayne

didnt think i was good enough

said no last night, that i needed more time to pract for cg on fri

i was afraid, i was discouraged..i couldnt sleep

in the afternoon i was convicted..i decided to go down even though i sucked

took a shower, changed got ready..gave e cgl a call

cgl said its ok they've already made preparations to have cg without PnW

i sat there..my hands trembled..tears flowed uncontrollably..

what have i done..?

theyve searched everywhere..and i was the last person who could stand in the gap..

but i couldnt say yes confidently..

and now i blew it..i was the miracle and i couldnt bring myself to do it..i lost it..i missed it..

call myself a guitarist..call myself a minister of God's presence..

dont feel that anymore..my spirit sank..my heart broke into a million pieces..

i cried whole night because if only..

i dont think im cut out..mebbe if i were to be gone..every problem will be gone too..

dont feel like serving anymore..i quit..

im just wasting my time, wasting people's time..

with me or without me wouldnt make any difference..

im just a nobody trying to be somebody...im insignificant...

mebbe i shldnt go cg anymore..i did an unpardonable mistake..i cost those people so much..

ive robbed them off the presence of God..

i blew it..im screwed..ill never touch the guitar again..i was selfish, undecisive, irresponsible..

all i wanted was to love God and to serve Him..

all i wanted was for people to love me for who i am..

i think its better if i dont serve..

ROSE is down for 2 days..ive got nothing to calm myself..im getting worse by the minute..

im all by myself..

i knew a friend frm msia in ROSE..she's unchurched..she was inspired by my nick

taken frm a sermon note..she was going through some problems..she copied my nick

she was encouraged...

mebbe its a coincidence..

ive always encouraged but never encouraged..

always saving but never saved..

i dun need to..

nothing matters anymore..

nothing more to say now..

bye.

S T O N E ! ! !

ahhhh..cant take it anymore..super stone right now..:S

ROSE is down. and tt day i slept into the muso pract..woke up realising the time.

my fren asked me if i could help out for their cg..

it was kinda weird..it first i seemed interested, as i always would..

then i received e praise song from wayne..then it seemed immediately..i jus felt a way ive never felt before..

all the while..ive always loved to play for cg, as well as playing for other cgs..i remember i used to ask evan to ask sis pauline if her cg needed a cgg for that particular week. id be so into serving the people and serving God..

then it seems like all of a sudden..i lost that interest..started to begin to feel that im never good enough ever since i came into Wayne's standards..i was afraid and felt tt i wasnt good enough, therefore i told my friend tt i couldnt serve for tt celgrp and that i needed more time to pract for fri's cg..which was true in a way..im sure there are better guitarists out there..

ive nv thought im not good..just not good ENOUGH..

ive lost my confidence in a way ive nv felt before. and i dun blame it on anyone seriously..im the problem..which was always the case :S

in e past..no matter how sucky i was, id always be happy serving God..now its different. its more like..God, i dont know much, i cant do much..id rather not serve you because I love You and i dont want to be a disgrace to You..

sometimes i would think about my dreams and aspirations..i jus feel that they are merely reckless visions i go after..mebbe i made a mistake..i dunno..i dun wanna think anymore..

im tired..and school is starting..

i jus wanna stone for e rest of my life..immovable and non reactive..jus stone..

no more hurts, no more pain, no more stress..jus a flat, neutral horizontal non-progressive progression..in life change is e only constant..true..

so is stone..

Ministry and first few days of the week

ministry was good. even though i only slept for 2.5 hours. woke up a bit late but managed to share cab with Elvin down to expo. it was my stage duty. then Mindy asked me, if i was ready if the following week when i serve, she puts me as a stage senior over a junior..

i wasnt sure if i was ready..i mean, ive only done stage twice. and theres only 2 guys doing stage at a time, one is like the more experienced senior and e other is a learner/junior.

nevertheless im very thankful to be able to be a stage senior after just 2 experiences. so far ive not done any mistake yet. im thankful that even though i dont have much, yet all i have is just a simple desire to love God and to serve Him with all my heart..

all the musicians and singers all carry the glory and presence of God one way or another..and all of them look so beautiful. and after svc backstage, because it was pretty narrow, i walked past pastor kong and i was super close to him..i felt the 'wind' of God brushing past me..

no words can describe how i felt on stage and behind stage. i jus felt so honored. its like everyone is so close to God. closer to Him than I am to Him. nt tt i felt inferior or anything..its just speechless. i saw how God moved in their lives and i looked at myself..i didnt know what to say. its as if i was someone insignificant..not as 'godly' as all of them..and to be able to serve in the frontline is something id never thought i deserved..

on the stage, i looked at bro raymond, bro poh..the way they lead praise and worship, e anointing they carry..i jus stood there with thoughts..

after ministry had debrief and then went home after that..took a long nap :D

spent my entire monday ROSEing from 10am to 2am. :S

tonight maybe going to expo for muso pract, heard they are getting a new drumset.

i just love bro poh's voice..esp in this song..its amazing how God can turn an ex-gangster into somebody great..and to me, its a great encouragement XD

Fullmoon friday and service

it was rather..'memorable' in a way..lol

well, i was scheduled to play for combined cg alone..then 'somehow' bao ended work early and was able to join me to play together. well, guess its God's way of saying, ill never leave you nor forsake you..and i was really touched :)

well, and wayne said i played like reuben morgan..well, i dun really know how to react..at tt point in time..

as for e games..

well, we started with the 'food game' lol. had all sorts of food we had to finish in teams and find e missing poetry among e food. we had lemon, chilli bread, coconut, pomelo, chocolates, oranges, parsely and spring onion..and the all famous: cereal in carrot juice and dark soya sauce.

and i was the lucky one to finish the entire cup..tasted like diluted ketchup with cereal..but after i heard wad was inside..man tts a new story..haha

after tt we had a candle game..each of us had a candle and we were supposed to blow e opposing team's candles..e team with e most candles lit at e end wins..and we won haha..cus we stood in a circle..with our candles inside e circle and we put it very low so tt they couldnt blow it off even if they blow from across our faces..haha and we keep lighting each other up..lol

wayne not only burned his lantern at e start and caught it on fire, he burned e plastic sheet used to wrap e candle as well..lol

then comes e part to dress up chang-er..lol..wayne and adam were e best combo..promoting mammogram and supporting the breast cancer foundation haha.....laughed so hard until my face cramped lol. one had sang-eh cups e other one was talking so manly and fiddling with his cups and claiming his are genuine one okay? hahahahaha...

it was a crazy time basically..lol..whole night was silicon and cups hahahahahaha...

then came the mooncake exchange thingy..liz was my buddy. had good food later on and celebrated Gina's bdae. sat down before tt took some pics..and then chatted while we ate..great fellowship together..it was a time we really got to know each other better i feel..:D

shared cab with liz home after tt.

service was good today..feels like building fund already..serving stage again later..

thoughts running through my head..

personal secrets..thoughts..feelings..and one more thing..

i miss e110..