Its been 7 hours since i talked

did not have anyone to talk to..

kept awake as long as i could..hoping to see a chat window pop up..

waited for God to come and break me once again..to feel love once again..

no one replied. all 10 people whom i msged were 'online'..no smses replied.

you know what happens to anger if its not confessed..

all i needed was someone with a thick skin to help me release myself..

i wanted to get it out as soon as possible..

but i failed.

i dun blame anyone..

i blame only myself..

the biggest mistake ive ever done..was dozing off at 3..

i actually went to sleep with all that anger and frustration..

i went to sleep feeling hot all over my face, with my heart pumping heavily and my blood boiling

which explains why i could wake up at 530am so easily. no alarm clock. i jus woke up.

then i remembered: do not let e sun go down while u are still angry..

but what could i do..? it was 3am in e morning..i was tired, i was drained..i just dozed off..

no one was there to 'rescue' me..

mebbe she was just tired from her work..

mebbe she didnt mean to..but its too late now i guess..i went to sleep with it

and u all know what happens after that..

i feel worse now..my heart is heavy..so hard like concrete..someone can cry on his knees before me and i wont feel a thing..ill go like: hmm..ya..

it hurts so badly..its so painful now, i feel like im dying..im being choked..waking up was e biggest mistake as well..

its too late now. it cant be talked out..cus i dun feel anything anymore. i dun even feel e anger anymore. it has turned to concrete.

id never hurt anyone..never..

which was why i decide to take it upon myself..i chose to hurt myself instead..

but i was never as strong as God Himself..no matter how hard i tried to be like Him..

jesus took all e sins of e world upon Himself..

i took e frustrations of a sister and my own problems upon myself..i took e burden of being in ICU upon myself..i took e burden of ministry upon myself, i took e burden of celgrp upon myself and went to sleep with it..

who ever did i think i was? it eventually imploded in me..and it collapsed upon itself like a black hole..with an intensity so great..that even light cannot escape it..no emotion could escape either. right now, u could talk to me, u could write cards to me, u could hug me, kiss me, do anything..

itll all be sucked down into e endless void tt was caused by an internal implosion and collapsing..

if only my blood vessels would burst right now..everything would be fine..