another attack/nightmare

today spent most of my time at home..

in e afternoon i was playing on my guitar with e worship songs..when one of my mum's church friend..(can u believe it), came to my room, heard me play, heard e song and said..: why u play until like that? you LOUSY LAH...

immediately..it dawned on me..

just 2 days ago i had 'recovered'..and within a split second, i was going through what i went through a few days ago..i felt e same thing, mebbe he's right, im tired, i dont wanna serve anymore..

mebbe its too radical for u to think i change so fast..something must be wrong somewhere, i must be hiding something..no im not..its all genuine experiences..i face different things EVERY 24-48 hours..

immediately i was depressed, i wept on my bed, crying out to God..for almost half an hour. and i eventually slept on my bed..

i was awaken by some knocks on e door..it was time for dinner. i didnt want to open..i felt lousy again..it was a horrible feeling, i didnt want to touch a guitar ever again, i didnt want to eat nor talk to the people outside, let alone even see them..!

as i dozed off again in my tears..in less than 10min i had a flash, a brief moment of nightmare. i saw my self opening up e blades of a scissors, placed my finger between them, and using my other hand to slam down hard on the handle..and i saw my finger flew off with all the blood dripping..

i immediately awoke..i was freaked out..almost on e verge of cold sweat..i felt like screaming but somehow i couldnt..i jus lay there, stoned, in a state of cold shock..i was literally curled up..i cried out to God, but i couldnt feel anything..

but God never left me, and He has never forsaken me..He came so close to me, He placed His arms around me and tried to talk me out..i was still in a state of shock..i was feeling cold..

He was there to assure me that it was just an attack, everything will be alright..i thought of those 3 words, and i could still vividly remember tt horrible experience..i couldnt reply to God even in my Spirit..i was jus too shocked and hurt..

and God began to calm me down, spoke words of encouragement and love to me..it hurt Him to see me in that state..He bagan stroking my head like a Father would to His baby boy..we are all children in e eyes of God..and He is always a loving Father..

when i was more 'composed' He bagan to speak and prophesy directly to me..

"Don't be afraid of what people say Andrew, I am always here. Have i ever let you down? No. Have i even left you alone all by yourself? No. Andrew, listen to me. Heaven and earth will pass away but my Words will never pass away, and My love and commitment to you will never pass away. Andrew I love you and you mean the whole world to Me. I did not make a mistake when i chose you. I knew you even before you were born..I know you more than you even know yourself.."

"You have no idea of the potential I have placed in you. You have no idea of the great things in stored for your future. I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of love, of power and of a sound mind. My grace is always sufficient for You. And i definitely know that thoughts that I think towards you, thoughts of love, of joy, of peace, of future, of potential, of destiny..and not of evil..to give you a future and a hope. Never look down on these hands of yours..''

"Out of these hands, lives will be changed. Out of these hands, hardened hearts will melt. Out of these hands, people will be healed through your ministry in celgrp. Out of these hands, My presence and My glory will go forth. Out of these hands, I will be glorified. Out of these hands, people will be delivered, through the songs that you will play. Out of these hands, people will begin to feel the love of God. Out of these hands, the celgrp will be changed. And out of these hands, I will change the world that you live in.."

"Andrew, your hands are My hands. And your mouth, My mouth..."

and it went on..i couldnt remember the rest. But God spoke to me in a powerful, loving, convicting way. Not only did He restore me, no only did He heal me, not only did He loved me, but the Holy Spirit is also my disciple..my 'pastor', my 'celgrp leader', my mentor and my friend.

i rem what a friend said to me, God never placed me in a situation to discourage me, but that through me He will be glorified. To take me higher..beyond what i could ever imagine.

i rem when i first came to CHC, in my early E110 days..id have 'paralysing demonic attacks in my sleep'..one time i was sleeping and i had a falling feeling, or a feeling being sucked in. and shortly after i couldnt move..when i saw in my spirit, a black figure charging towards me, into me face, laughing hideously..i couldnt move, i couldnt scream, i couldnt blink, i was 'paralyzed'..

at first i was shocked..but e peace of God was there..and fear was 'paralyzed' by the HS. and He began to confess a Word through me and that 'thing' left..

there was another situation when i was again in a paralyzing moment in my sleep..when i felt someone grabbing my hand and slamming it against the wall..i was nervous, shocked, and fearful, not not panicking, i felt no pain..again, HS confessed a Word..(a double-edged sword) and e demon left..

it seemed as though e devil knew how God was gonna use me, even before i even started dreaming and having visions for God..even before i ever touched a guitar. i dun think i have ever shared those 2 experiences before..then again..i wanna be emotionally healthy. and by opening myself up, i become vulnerable..

jus now was sharing with pam online..and b4 i left..i jus encouraged her by saying a few words. i didnt know she was gonna feel e presence of God..i didnt feel anything. that was when e HS reminded me, that God is always close to those with a broken and contrite spirit. and i kinda rem my friend who told me, a few days back..that somehow she feels tt God likes to use me because i am broken and i always show God strong..

if God can use someone as broken as me, God can use you too! God shows no favouritism, if you are reading this, God will say to you:

I formed you before the foundations of the world. I knew you and called you by name. I love you with an everlasting love and you mean all the world to Me. My joy is your strength, My hand is not short that I cannot reach out. No matter what people may say, no matter what you may think, My ways and thoughts are always higher and my Words will never pass away! Do not be tired or weary, for in due season you shall reap if you do not lose heart. Even when u were faithless, I remained faithful to you. Even when you did not believe in yourself, I believed in You. I love you forever, and nothing can separate us, I will never leave you nor forsake You..My grace is always sufficient for You, when you are weak, I am strong, I am your feet when you can't move on..my strength is made perfect in your weaknesses..My presence is always available..ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, knock and it shall be opened to you. I am never far away..be still and know that I am God..

cant wait for PM :D