What have i done???

the celgrp was rather new..i think..

chinese nationals..people who look up to us..

have no cgg..it was hard on them..last minute couldnt find any..

for weeks without a cgg..had to solo..

i was given the chance..

i blew it..

because i didnt feel i could do it..

couldnt rest my mind..

i couldnt let them down..

i was their miracle and breakthrough..

but i was afraid..

i compared with someone else..didnt think i fit e job

mebbe they could find someone else who is better than me..

thought of playing 2 CGs this week

thought of wayne

didnt think i was good enough

said no last night, that i needed more time to pract for cg on fri

i was afraid, i was discouraged..i couldnt sleep

in the afternoon i was convicted..i decided to go down even though i sucked

took a shower, changed got ready..gave e cgl a call

cgl said its ok they've already made preparations to have cg without PnW

i sat there..my hands trembled..tears flowed uncontrollably..

what have i done..?

theyve searched everywhere..and i was the last person who could stand in the gap..

but i couldnt say yes confidently..

and now i blew it..i was the miracle and i couldnt bring myself to do it..i lost it..i missed it..

call myself a guitarist..call myself a minister of God's presence..

dont feel that anymore..my spirit sank..my heart broke into a million pieces..

i cried whole night because if only..

i dont think im cut out..mebbe if i were to be gone..every problem will be gone too..

dont feel like serving anymore..i quit..

im just wasting my time, wasting people's time..

with me or without me wouldnt make any difference..

im just a nobody trying to be somebody...im insignificant...

mebbe i shldnt go cg anymore..i did an unpardonable mistake..i cost those people so much..

ive robbed them off the presence of God..

i blew it..im screwed..ill never touch the guitar again..i was selfish, undecisive, irresponsible..

all i wanted was to love God and to serve Him..

all i wanted was for people to love me for who i am..

i think its better if i dont serve..

ROSE is down for 2 days..ive got nothing to calm myself..im getting worse by the minute..

im all by myself..

i knew a friend frm msia in ROSE..she's unchurched..she was inspired by my nick

taken frm a sermon note..she was going through some problems..she copied my nick

she was encouraged...

mebbe its a coincidence..

ive always encouraged but never encouraged..

always saving but never saved..

i dun need to..

nothing matters anymore..

nothing more to say now..

bye.