Speechless

i apologize..i know my previous post was harsh.

but imagine this:

its mothers' day, and u love this particular friend of yours, and uve met his/her mum before. and u wanna do something as a mark of appreciation. so u decided to make a card and a gift for ur friends' mum..

how would you react if your friend's mum suddenly comes up to you, received your gift and card with thanks, then said:

"how's your mum? oh ya, i forgot..she's dead. you shouldve (xxxxxxxxx) before she died.."

dont tell me you'll react by saying..: oh yea, she's dead. praise the Lord! but i have faith that one day, i will go to her grave and resurrect her from the dead..

OH PLEASE GIVE ME A BREAK...

you think its easy for me to get over a situation just like that? not only are u taking me for granted. ure taking God for granted! bcos its He who helped me overcome this problem. to give me faith, hope and love once again..

and to bring back the past is like saying..'God never mind wad..if tt guy goes into depression again you can restore him again ma..'

sometimes people fail to see God behind the scenes of e person. i know God is doing something great in my life. but some dont, so they just come in with all their 'parenting' skills..

ive never said this to anyone before..but ill say it:

please be more sensitive..to me, to what God is doing. dont presume, dont assume, be led!

even in e midst of my turmoil, i know God works for the good of those who love Him, but others may not. even if i dont see it, i believe it by faith and i receive it.

how many times, i would spend 2hours on the phone listening to someone one share his/her problems?

how many times i would listen undividedly to people's problems on MSN and yet despite depression, despite failures, despite emotional trauma, despite all thats going on in my life, and YET being able to be led by the Spirit to encourage and to speak a rhema/a revelation to the person to build him/her up..?

its because im not only emotionally sensitive, im spiritually sensitive. i look beyond the surface of things and i see what God is doing in the person's life before i actually speak tt word. its not bcos im lucky that i always know what is going on, its not me who always seem to speak the right words at e right time..it was God all along.

and yet when i share my problems, how many actually listen to me the way i listened to them? you may be doing the right thing but are you doing the God-thing?

its not about wisdom or knowledge or strength, wisdom is good, understanding is good, but ultimately what's most important is to be led. not but what you feel but by what God speaks to you..

when i share my problems, you think im angry or upset because of someone or something? have you forgotten what you have learnt in marriage seminar just a few weeks ago? have you actually practiced and lived out the Word? you just shoot verses at me (Not to encourage me, but to point out my badpoints), you think im a fool? you think i dunno what is going on? you think i dunno why im angry?

im not that mentally challenged that i dont know my own emotions and intentions..

of course i know what is going on. all i need is a listening ear, is that so difficult? you think the HS cannot speak to me RE areas in my life i need to change? you think im soo far off that i cant even hear the HS speaking to me, convicting my heart?

of course i hear them all! you think i say those things so that i can hate someone/something? you obviously dont know me well enough. i can say this because i know and ive been through it. i can forgive in less than 24hours. i can forget a problem in less than 24hours. i can get over something in less than 24hours. unless i tell you otherwise.

stop saying things like..'oh u shldnt be angry..', 'u shld do this and that..', you think i dont know? God is not a mute and i am not a deaf man. God already convicted me way before i even share with you. i only share those things so that ill see how you will react and to be able to tell who i really mean to you. also i share those things, because from young, i grew up in an environment when im not allowed to open myself up..i grew up in a 'mind your own business' enrivonment..

and its true. everytime i open up and share something, i know im risking my privacy, i know im vulnerable. and without fail everytime i will get hurt instead.

its because i find it hard to open and express myself because of repeated hurts, thats why i accumulate my hurts. there is no one there who will tolerate me, who can? and yet when people come to me, i never fail to lift e person up. why? i dunno, i love them. love covers a multitude of sins.

and why is it that no one out there can hear me the way i hear them?

its sad. its as if im being taken advantage of. but anyway, im used to it already.

just as God is looking for someone whom He can use. im looking for someone who can hear..