Dashed

went to school this morning. everything was fine. i was the happiest person because of how God touched me the night before and freed me from going into the pit of depression.

and in just less than 24hrs, things changed.

you know how it feels like to not be able to be a testimony? you know how it feels like to take FOUR years in poly, people look at you, people talk about you. and you wish you were smarter, more hardworking and all that stuff..

and so, my lesson ended at 1030am. 30minutes early. i had a common test at 4pm. i intended to study from 11am till 3pm. i left my calculator at home and i was thinking of borrowing one from a friend who stays opposite my sch.

i had intended, if i couldnt get my calculator, which i needed for the test, id go home and do my revision and at e same time, i could also get my calculator. it was a win-win solution and i was cool.

i managed to find a friend who was able to hand me one at 11am. and so after i have eaten, i walked out of the sch's back gate and headed to my friend's block, but i couldnt pass by the security so i lingered somewhere nearby to wait for the person to come.

and so i waited..it was 1130. i couldnt wait anymore. i called, no answer, i msged asked for e person's location. still at home. immediately i exploded. i couldnt take it anymore. it was as if my dreams were dashed.

if i were to fail that particular module again, im not allowed to repeat it. instead, i would be dismissed immediately. just think that you study for 3 years, and ONE extra year, FOUR years in poly, all the school fees ure paying that ur parents worked so hard for..

ure in a financial difficulty, and your future is gonna go down the drain. by the time i reached home..i only had 2hrs to study. imagine what i could have accomplished in that 30min of eating, 30min of waiting, an hr of travelling time!

i could have gotten my A!!! u know how it feels to let the whole world know you are aiming for an A and you are confident of it and you have EVERYTHING ALL PLANNED OUT??? and in just seconds its destroyed.

i told myself that if i DONT get an A or a distinction for that module, im not fit to live and i was gonna commit suicide. that module meant everything to me! that module meant to me my family, my loved ones, my hardwork everything i TRIED SO HARD AND LIVED FOR!

i told myself, im NOT gonna be mediocre again, i told myself i can do it, if i can get an A from an F for my OOP, i can do it again! If God did it once for me, He can do it again! and now all those dreams, all those hopes, all the faith i had, was dashed!!!

know what? now i look like a fool!!! "look at him, he said he could get an A, now look what happened.." say that to me all you want! if im angry, im REALLY angry. to the point ill think of murdering the person and along with myself!

i was so hurt and shaken and pissed, when i got home..i lay on my bed in tears..and I SLEPT!!!!

and when i woke up, it was 330pm!!! i reached the exam room at 430pm!! i was late!! not only i failed to do ANY revision, i was late!!! i had only an hr left to finish my paper! and i tell you..i BLEW IT!! my whole future is gone!!! my whole life is gone!!!

i have an assignment to submit tomorrow, if the same thing happens, ill KILL MYSELF NOW! i cant tolerate nonsense, if you have a passion for something, then be SERIOUS ABOUT IT!! I was so mad i shouted at God:

"Look at Jesus, He gave everything! Look at me, WHAT CAN I GIVE I TELL YOU, WHAT CAN I GIVE?? I HAVE NOTHING WITH ME! DONT PLAY GAMES WITH ME, CMON BE REALISTIC..!"

and God spoke back. and i had a conversation for 15-20minutes. eventually i gave up, i cried myself to sleep. that was before i realized i was late for the test.

i told God when i woke up: "Look! i dont care what happens, if im to fail so be it, at least let me fail glorifying you IF THERE'S EVEN SUCH THING!!! God, give me the peace of God, i dont care anymore, I gave my whole life to You..do what You want with it..I have died, i have no more life in myself.."

and id say, i blew my test..

but the strange thing is..e peace of God WAS with me. i felt no more anger, no more hurt. right now, i just feel the peace of God tt surpasses all understanding. its like when you wanna think about it, it just wouldnt come out.

i dont feel a thing about what happened yesterday, i dun feel a thing about what happened this morning..i hope im not numbed. because i was really fuming mad this morning i could murder someone.

never take the peace of God for granted..