Defensive mode

the feeling now is horrible. no matter how hard i tried, this feeling wont go away. i remembered tt incident with pam, it took me almost half a year to recover. there are times when i just wanna cry it all out but no tears would come out.

im afraid i might go into defensive mode again. putting up walls so high and so thick nobody can come in. the fear of getting hurt, ill lock myself up deep down. im pretty stressed these few days. i dont think anyone knew cus i looked so fine.

stress for my studies..tmr im having a common test. and another one later in e week. one next week. stress for e celgrp. im always stressed for e celgrp. i always feel that im the only one carrying everything. have to submit an assignment tmr as well. i told myself that ill Ace my modules this sem..i cannot afford to fail one more time, if not ill be dismissed.

and in e midst of all e busyness, i forgot to apply for my FYP Round 2. i missed round 1, now i missed round 2! right now i can only pray for favor and a good 'random' FYP to be assigned to me. im not upset, and more importantly im not angry. its IMPOSSIBLE for me to be angry. IMPOSSIBLE. the last time i raised my voice was 7yrs ago and it was to my bro. thats all.

i tend to turn my hurts and anger into depression, so that i will not hurt anyone, except myself. even if it means i have to drag myself into the pit of depression so that nobody gets hurt, im willing to do it. sometimes, i just feel cold on e inside.

i was so shaken, that just now..NOW in fact, im in school. only to realise when i reach school, that lesson was cancelled. i actually forgotten that there was no lesson today :S now im in class alone, with lights off and thoughts going insane..

i find it hard to forgive myself. VERY hard. I feel as if..im in a pit..not just any pit..but a pit of quicksand. constantly pulling me down no matter how hard i try to get out. its like a pit of quicksand, in the middle of the jungle. as u sink, ur screams no one can hear. you look up, down, left, right..you see nobody in sight.

you stretch out your hand, as u sink..nobody's there to take your hand...

the feeling that says: you're finished...