PM, Whats going on

PM was good. after the encounter last night..i just felt so ready.

something happened along e way though.

the train kept on stopping like between every station, i got kinda pissed which i VERY SELDOM do cus i didnt wanna be late, and that was it.

the past few days ive been sleeping for not more than 3-4hrs a day, with tests and assignments given to us on monday only! among many other things and stuff..every night had a friend to counsel and encourage, to lend a listening ear even though it was 3am-4am in e morning.

yet i availed myself. i was there to lend a listening ear, to be his/her comforter and encourager and strength. BUT..

dun feel bad for keeping me awake k? :D on the contrary, i had encounters with God and i enjoyed myself and i treasured every moment of it, it may be late in e morning, but i never regretted a single second of it! =)) its not just one person, i know im talking to many of u whom i talked to like 3-4am haha. cheers :D

for those who read my blog..i just wanna clarify things abt what happened today. and u can imagine. EVERY day, 3-4hrs sleep, night counselling, quiet time, late night encounters with God along with the stress of sch, friends, etc. PLUS bottled hurts, etc. ALL IN ONE. everyday..and u dont see my get angry..not once.

i may have supernatural capacity to be smiling all the time, enduring everything..but i tell u..deep down..im still human. theres still a limit no matter how far i could take myself. if u havent been offended by me, sooner or later u will. i can prophesy to u abt it :x

and today, the train incident just came at the wrong time..its towards e end of the day, the end of e week, its when im e most worn out. and i just lost it.

just imagine a cup full of water. what happens if u put an ice cube in it? it spills right? its only during service that i get to empty that cup and recharge myself. and it "JUST SO HAPPENED" that my cup had already been full even before friday. thank God for no lessons on friday. i can finally take a break.

i just have something to confess..and i really dont care how u view me after this. im gonna be transparent and openly vulnerable to u.

My confession:

im tired.
im worn out.
everytime when im down,

im the only one to pick myself up.
everytime i fall,

its always just me, and i had to get up myself.

with God of course.

when im down, i have no one to share it with.

i dont want to be a burden to u.
i dun feel comfortable if u were to be carrying my burden.
i just feel bad abt it.
everytime u see me refreshed, its just God and me.
there wasnt anyone there to pick me up.

no one who talked me out of it.

for those who look up to me..
i just cant bring myself to show u e weaker side of me.
everytime i put on a strong front.
even when im down and broken, i still encouraged.
even when im depressed, i still bring faith, hope, love.
when ure in a position where people look up to u,

its hard to show ur weakness.
there are only a few who are 'above' me whom i can share with
then again, they have their own problems.
and i dont wanna make things worse for them.

i show myself strong, but deep down im weak.
i show myself happy, but deep down im broken.
i show myself having fun, but deep down im lonely.
all because i want you to be happy.
all because you mattered to me more than my own life.
all because i love you more than i love myself.

e420, u matter to me more than anything.
e420, without u, i am nothing.
e420, u are e reason i live.
e420, u are e reason i laugh.
e420, u are the reason i sing.
e420, u are the reason i give.

im doing my best.
yet i failed to be there for everyone.
yet i failed to make everyone happy.
there's only so much i could do.
im sorry i couldnt do more.
im sorry that i can only sacrifice so much.
i wanna do more.
i wanna sacrifice more.
i wanna give more of my life.

but ive nothing now..ive given my best.
ive given my everything.
there's nothing left i could give..
im sorry..