Harvest Times - Choosing the Right Partner 2

8 Fatal Flaws to watch out for, when looking for a partner (Rev Kong Hee):


1. Anger


Prov 22:24 - "Keep away from angry, short-tempered people". (NLT)

An angry person is like a time bomb.
An angry person is like a terrorist, he/she keeps you hostage.
Anger is normal frustration, but in your anger do not sin.

How do you tell if one has gone overboard? (These people will destroy any friendship or relationship; they are inappropriate.)

a. Person reacts by screaming, name calling, cursing, swearing, shouting threats.
b. Person reacts by face turning red, or body trembling in rage.
c. Person clenches/bangs fists, storms out of rooms, slams the doors.
d. Person deliberately hangs up the phone.
e. Person expresses physical anger: shoving, hitting, throwing objects, etc.

If you are seeing little warning signs that your partner has an anger problem, they are like sparks telling you that fire is sure to follow.

Extricate yourself from that relationship.
Insist that him/her seek help from God through prayer and counselling.


2. Victim Consciousness


People who blame others for all their problems.
A result of the fall when Adam blamed his wife. (Gen 3:9-13)

They can even end up blaming authority, leadership or even God.
They dont take responsibility over their own actions.

People who cant accept responsibility over their own actions have never grown up.

They have a hard time receiving love or support.
They enjoy 'sufferings'. Holding on their pain gives them the illusion that they have power over those whom they perceive have hurt them.

No matter how hard you try to console a "victim", they will refuse to be cheered up.
No matter how much you give, its never enough.

They walk round looking miserable, and yet not telling you what the problem is.

No matter how much suggestions you give to make things better, the "victim" will always have an "its no use" attitude.

If you know anyone with this issue, you have to confront this issue even if it makes the person uncomfortable.

If the person doesnt change, dont fool yourself. Its not gonna work out.


3. Control Freak


The opposite of the "Victim conscious".

Victim: Avoids making any decisions
Freak: Must make all the decisions personally

Victim: Wants you to tell him/her what to do
Freak: Tells you what to do...ALL THE TIME.

Control Freaks:

a. Have a hard time opening up

b. Dont like to admit they need people

c. Highly posessive and easily jealous - They control ALL your time and do not give you space for normal friendships

d. Get hurt easily; They get upset when they dont have their way or feel out of control.

e. Workaholics - They have a hard time resting after work

f. Usually have sexual problems in marriage - hard time letting go of themselves in bed.

g. They usually become very domineering and critical parents

In order to change, one has to admit he/she HAS a problem and let God take charge.
-Psm 32:4-5

3 diseases / plagues that kill a relationship:

a. Control - domineering
b. Fear - intimidation
c. Selfish exploitation - manipulation

Avoid these like the plague!


4. Sexual Immorality


1 Cor 15:11

2 Areas of sexual immorality:

a. Sexual addiction and obsession

Porn deadens male libido in relation to women
-It turns men off the real thing.

Porn destroys intimacy
-You cant say you love someone and yet fantasize about having sex with someone else.

b. Lack of sexual integrity

Job 31:1

Does your partner flirt around?
Does your partner stare at other people's bodies?
Does your partner make sexual comments about other people to you?
Does your partner touch other people inappropriately?
Does your partner have sex with someone else while having a relationship with you?

If your partner doesnt respect you before marriage, you can forget about being respected after marriage.

Ignoring a problem wont make it go away, deal with it.


5. Hasnt grown up


The person may be an adult and yet have no sense of responsibility or maturity.
You end up becoming more of a parent than a partner.

4 questions to ask:

a. Is your partner financially irresponsible?

Constantly borrowing money.
Late in returning debts.

Does your partner plan ahead financially?
Does your partner spends money indiscriminately on luxury items he/she cant afford?
Is your partner always changing jobs?

Luke 16:11
God watches how we handle money.

If your partner is careless in treating money, he/she will be careless in treating you.

b. Is your partner undependable?

1 Cor 13:11

A child:
i) Is always late for
ii) Breaks promises
iii) Forgets the rules
iv) Never does what he says he would do

In a love relationship, you should be a lover, not a parent!

c. Is your partner unmotivated?

Does your partner have a purpose or sense of direction in life?
Is your partner decisive?
Does your partner retreats from problems instead of facing them?
Is your partner someone who is waiting for someone to come along and give him his 'big break'?

That person hasnt grown up! He/she is merely waiting for someone to do everything for him/her!

We all go through stages of indecisiveness in the process of growing up, but when this stage lasts for years and years, its no longer a 'stage'. Its just a permanent immature state of mind!

The more your partner behaves like a child, the worse your marital sex life will be!
You will feel as though you are commiting 'incest'!


6. Emotionally Unavailable


NEVER GET INVOLVED PEOPLE WHO ARE EMOTIONALLY SHUT DOWN!

Symptoms:

a. Your partner cannot show emotions

A relationship is the interaction between two people. Not a one way street!

b. Your partner cannot/will not talk about feelings

The purpose of a relationship is to relate. Not just to keep each other company! Otherwise, why not just have a pet will do?

1 Cor 6:11, Ezk 11:19

c. Your partner cant open up or trust

Its not enough just to have good intentions, you gotta knock down those walls.


7. Hasnt recovered from past relationship


a. Your partner carries tremendous anger and resentment toward a previous mate

Ask each other, "What is your opinion about your ex?"

b. Your partner still feels guilty and responsible toward a previous mate

Is your partner still worried about his/her ex?
Is your partner afraid to trust you?
Does your partner cry on your shoulders about how terribly he/she's been hurt perviously?

Then his/her heart may not be fully healed to love again.
Give the person some time to be totally healed by the Lord.
Dont play the 'rescuer' yet.


8. Emotional damage from childhood


a. Sexual abuse and trauma

Many victims struggle with the ability to be intimate because of past hurts.
They may struggle weight problems, e.g. turning to food to soothe their inner hurts.
Person exhibits deviant sexual behaviour - confused about the original purpose of sex.

b. Physical or verbal abuse

c. Parental Abandonement

The trauma of living in a single home family, etc.
They may not easily trust people because maybe theyve been hurt and are afraid to get hurt/disappointed again?

Itll be hard to convince him/her that you truly love him/her, that your love and trust is genuine.

d. Parental addiction to drugs, alcohol, pills, gambling, etc.

Children of addicts develop a syndrome of codependency.
He/she is obsessed with only pleasing you.
Unless you feel good, he/she wont feel good about himself/herself.

They have a hard time communicating
Difficulty trusting
Have a tendency to become addicts themselves

Psm 31:7

e. Extreme religious beliefs

Was he/she taught that sex is evil or unclean?
Or on the other extreme, taught that sex is the only way to holiness?
Or that the expression of feelings is unbecoming of a christian?

Does he/she believe that abstinence from affection and romance is true spirituality?

None of us are perfect, we all struggle from emotional baggage since young.

But the good news is that Jesus Christ is the answer to all personality deficiencies and character flaws. He can heal us and make us whole.

Luke 6:37

We shouldnt say, "Sorry, you have a character flaw, I cant be with you."
Love them and go easy on them, just as how Christ loved you.

But...

These are just the things to expect before entering or considering a relationship.

Every relationship takes 2 parties to make it work.