Brokenness (long post)

L.I.F.E.

1. Leave to Cleave
2. Intimacy with God
3. Faith in God (Fidelity/Loyalty)
4. Example through brokenness

You will never come to a place of example if you havent fulfilled the first 3 stages.

I dont care what people say or think about me.

Misunderstanding? Ive been there. Lots of times.
Belittling? Ive been there.
Discouragement? Ive been there.
Loneliness? Ive been there.
Loss? Ive been there.
Betrayal? Ive been there.
Low self esteem? Ive been there.
Poverty? Ive been there.
Sickness? Im there now.
Barrenness? Ive been there.
Persecution? Ive been there.
Taken advantage of? Ive been there.
Unappreciated? Ive been there.
Failure? Ive been there.
Desperation? Ive been there.
Hopelessness? Ive been there.
Fear? Ive been there.
Purposeless? Ive been there.
Public humiliation? Ive been there last night.

I can just put down one whole list..

People can say Im backsliding, people can say Im immature, people can say Ive done bad things in my life, people can say Im unstable..they can say all they want.

I would not be in a state of brokenness if I hadnt choose to leave the world to cleave to God.
I would not be in a state of brokenness if I never had intimacy with God
I would not be in a state of brokenness if I never had faith in God..
I would not be in a state of brokenness if I have no fidelity or loyalty in God..

In a way, its because I have those, that Ive come to a place of example, a place of brokenness.

Always being there for someone, then when the going gets tough for me, the person vanishes. And all other nonsense.

The last thing people wanna do now is to pour oil into fire.

If God wants to break me, let Him do His thing.
Dont play God unless you're certain you're part of His plan for my life.

Its not like Ive not been broken before.
Its not like I have once left even though many times I said I would leave.
Its not like I have once shouted at someone even though I felt like.

Its okay if people dont understand, Im used to it. Im not expecting anyone to.

If there were people who understands in the first place, I wouldnt have been broken.
If people understood in the first place, how am I gonna help people who are in the same way, misunderstood by others?

Ive done so much for God and for people and yet, my life is full of breaking points.
So much that sometimes I wonder how I can be broken so many times and yet Im still standing.

You cant just ask any tom, dick or harry to take my place, lead my life.
He or she will crumble under the pressure.

You have your own breaking points, I cant handle.
I have my own breaking points that you cant handle.
There's nothing to compare about.

I never said I was angry with God.

When someone close to me was yelling at me with that tone at the coffeeshop.
Maybe not yelling, maybe just overly excited.

At the corner of one eye, other tables were staring at me.
At another corner of my eye, another table was staring at me.
I stared at the soya bean stall, the owner was staring at me.
Char kuay tiao stall, cooks looking at me.

Did he attract a lot of attention? Yes.
Yet the people around werent looking at him, they were looking at me.
They probably thought, "Man, this guy so lazy one ah? Did he do something wrong?"

Yet what did I do? I sat there, nodded my head, and smiled.

Did I know I was gonna break, yes.
I was tired, I was serving the whole day..

Ps Tan gave a special altar call, I knew I had to go.
Yet I couldnt. I felt like I disobeyed God, I let Him down.

I was downcast already.

But yet, I sat there, like a lamb being led to the slaughter.
Knowing what would happen. And yet I didnt talk back, I didnt retaliate.

I just let myself be broken, deep down I just thought, "What an honor it would be, to be broken by the one you love and trust the most, by the one you respect the most, by the one you looked up to the most."

I was totally conscious.

I knew what was going on. The things I said that I shouldnt, the things I did that I shouldnt.

Dont worry, once I enter the academy, you will have one less problem to worry about.

I couldve just let it all go, I couldve just pretended nothing happened, go home, play my games and cheer myself up. But I allowed myself to be broken, so broken that Im no longer recognisable by people...to the point where people could no longer believe their ears or eyes...

I was wearing the same shirt, the same jeans, carrying the same bag..as that day I encountered the 3 angels. Coincidence? On that day, the same thing happened to me, I did the same 'stunt'.

Just that this time, there were no angels. Just one. And she was the only one who didnt look at me and say, "How come you become like that?"

Thanks for being a listening ear.
Even though I just came to take back my guitar, but I was really blessed by the sharing session.
Thanks for pressing in even though it seemed impossible for anyone to press in.

I didnt know what was gonna happen that night.
I didnt know why my guitar had to be with you until last night.
I didnt know why I ended up taking the guitar from you last night, of all the other days.

Its so strange..how the encourager can become the encouraged,
How the one who once needed encouragement, now becomes the encourager.

You have grown stronger, and really become mature.
Keep on going and never despise the days of small beginnings! =)

If not amber will come to me and ask me why I never take care of her member haha.

The prophetic word I once shared with a friend on msn, came back to me.

XXX: y do u think God always let me experience trials? but others ard me, are all so happy
XXX: or am i too pessimistic?

Androne : nope. its because you've asked God to raise you up and to change you.

Be careful what you wish for.

I remembered I once sang this prayerful song to God..

Fill me Jesus, fill me now
Fill me Jesus, with Your precious holy power
I am Yours, my Lord
Do to me as You will
So fill me Jesus, right now.

All of us want to be comfortable, to have fun.

How can anyone fall in love with brokenness?