Tears of a broken child..

exam is finally over. IM A FREE PRISONER. yes..e prisoner..what an oxymoron. why? because i still have my IHP still march next year..starting NOW. T.T

paper was okay today..when i first went into the hall..e moment i looked at e paper. i was so stressed and i just forgotten what looked through once more, just seconds before entering the hall. the last thing i saw in my notes, appeared to be the first question.

but thank God, i managed to finish the paper. its the only paper that i finished early. so had early lunch. i like the weather. kinda refreshing and suits my mood..now..cold and teary.

as i was walking from boon lay back home. there was this old man that appeared out of nowhere as i was walking along the sheltered pavement towards the main road. it was still pouring..

this old man..held some tissue and a red packet with a random number on it. people were walking past him. but i dont know why..i started taking out whatever i had in my pocket. when he saw me..he was limping on one leg. he couldnt move very fast. instead of him walking towards me, i dont know what came over me...

i just went towards him. smiled and before he could say anything, i gave him what i had. that $10 note. he smiled and i could tell he was moved. he spoke in hokkien, i wish i could say God bless you in hokkien, but i simple smiled back. "Hor wa ah?..Gam sia..Gam sia..lu tak chek nia, lu jin ho xin"

and he continued to thank me in hokkien ("gam sia..gam sia..gam sia orh..") as i walked away smiling. not before long, i then realised what had just happened. the remaining allowance i had for the week, was for tomorrow's service, to pay my tithes and offerings..and for fellowship. i had given that amount that i was keeping for fellowship and dinner tomorrow..

i started feeling sad..that $10 meant a lot to me..and it kinda pierced my heart when i gave it away just like that. as i was walking in the rain..my eyes started tearing. no one could see me cry..only God..

"Andrew, do you know what you've just did??"

"no..does it really matter God? im stressed..im tired..im sick of having to take exams again and again..and the same ones..im sick of not being able to do well. God..I love You..all i want is shine for You and to make you feel proud of me.." - i was crying..in the rain..as i walked back..

"Andrew..you've had a hard week, you're stressed and tired and frustrated..Do you know what you've just done caught the attention of Me and all the angels in heaven? The moment You gave that which was precious to you, all of us stopped and we saw you..

And I see your tears. You just gave your precious to someone you dont even know! Do you know what impact you have made in the spiritual realm?"

And i couldnt hold my tears anymore..i broke down when i got home. "God..it doesnt really matter. All i wanted is to pass this exam..if i dont make it this year, im going to give 50 bucks to another stranger next year.." i was crying like ive never cried before..

"yes, im tired..yes im frustrated. God, im soo stressed..but i dont know what made me do what i just did just now. God thank you..thank you for giving your precious to me and blessed me all these years..even though i dont deserve it. im already happy just to be in poly...God, what more can i ask for? What ive sown, ive reaped so many times already..

Because of you..i can encourage others..because of You, i can usher in the presence of God during celgrp, because of You..that old man was blessed. God..what have i done to deserve all that uve given to me?? Im just a nobody..im not rich, i have pimples on my face..and ulcer in my mouth..i dont dress like others and i dont have muscles like a hunk..

tears kept flowing..

God!!! God!!! God!!! tell me..what makes me so special!!! You've done so much in my life i dont know what to say..i just want to pass this semester..God i want to move on..i did my best..i really did. i ignored the fact that im blur..i didnt regret my forgetfulness, i pressed on and moved on..like how you spoke to me through Ps Joyce i lived today in faith!

God, i have no idea..i just gave away the remains of my week's allowance. i dont know what came over me...!"

and that soft voice spoke in my heart..

"Andrew, you are a true disciple. Im impressed by you." and i kept quiet..tears was all over my face. Those 4 words.."Im impressed by you..", i...how am i supposed to react when God says that to me!? i just kept quiet and wiped the tears off my face..

"how many people would actually do what you did? What if that man was cheating you? This is probabaly your worst week in your life..yet you gave, unknowingly, because love inside of you is genuine and strong.."

and it so true..i was so moved. indeed if you have the heart of God..is there any circumstance that can change who you are? is there any problem too great for you? despite what i went through..i remained firm as a rock..because my life is built on Christ the rock.

when the winds blew, i swayed..but i was never uprooted. when the storms came and swept through my life..i rocked, but the house never fell..i didnt change. Im still the andrew who loves God..im still the andrew who loves people..in the worse day of my life, i encountered the greatest God..a road in the wilderness He'll lead me..a river in the desert will I see..

If God can do it for me..

He can do it for you..