My Wilderness Experience

Today marks the 378th day of my wilderness experience. It all started in June 2008 before I enlisted, when I first heard the news. One year has passed, he fought his battle. He finished his race. But now, its round 2. The same symptoms and emotions Im seeing from her, were the exact words, the exact emotions ah gong had before he passed on.

Fear began to grip me, it felt like it was gonna happen again.
I felt this before, and I felt it again today.

I dont know what the future holds, Ive lost every part of me. Im like a huge recycled glass bottle that has broken again and again. So many fragments in my soul that at times, I no longer recognize myself. Things I do, things I say, sometimes Im not even aware of myself. One moment, Im one way, the next moment, Im someone else.

Not that Im double-minded. My mind has always been the same. Its just that my body cant contain it anymore. Its full to the brim. So frustrations, negativity, etc, they just overflow out. People who know me, I dont get angry easily or frustrated.

Its just that Im so used to keeping it all inside, all because Im afraid of hurting people, its like keeping dirty water in a bottle.

During today's bs, God began to speak to me about my situation.

The wilderness experience. What a great word Ps Kong has spoken. And to realize my demons and battles are so great. Fighting the spirit of death not once, but twice. He just doesnt know when to give up does he?

Afterall, Ive been through 2 demonic encounters when I was still a teenager (when I was still in E110), so I guess, I wasnt meant to have an easy battle right from the start. Yet amidst them all, I know my destiny is great. I know of people who have their loved one passed away, but the possibility of losing 2 in a year? I dont know of anyone else.

Yet I believe she will be well. Just some depression, psychosomatic illness. Scans all turned out negative. Symptoms are on and off. I can understand and sympathize with the trauma of losing someone whom uve married to for over 20-30 years.

Its like a part of you died. No matter how strong a person is.

Not only loved ones are leaving, even friends, most of which are church friends. One moment they're there, next moment, when you're in the valley, its too dark, they walk away. And its been happening so regularly, it doesnt matter to me anymore.

And true enough, God began to speak to me during the bs, when ps began to preach about the baptism of fire, to burn away all the chaffs. I began to realize God is re-programming my relationships, and getting rid of those that are unnecessary or damaging to me.

No offence to people, its just the work of God, I cant do anything, I cant say anything. I have no power over relationships that are sovereign. Whether people are there or not doesnt really matter anymore, I love God more than anyone, and I let Him do what He wants with my life. I even give Him the authority to choose my friends for me.

Recently, God has been doing some adjustments in my life, shuffling of relationships, testings everywhere, yes, Im tired. Like ps said, in the wilderness, its just me and God, fighting the battle alone most of the time.

No matter how hard people try to tell me, they will be there for me, they just arent at there at the end of the day. I dont know if God is stopping them or its just the way some people are.

Yet, Im thankful to God for everyone He's placed in my life. Whether they still around or not doesnt matter anymore.

Things happen because of decisions made.
Things dont happen because of decisions not made.

Like the manhood conference mentioned, its not about what you want, its not even about what you think or intend to do, manhood is asking, at the end of the way, what have you done?

All I know is I did my best to provide, to care, to serve, to lay down my life, to counsel, to encourage blablabla, yabbadabbadoo (gosh, its getting to me! lol). Like Jesus, I have to carry my cross, even if it means being like a rose, trampled on the ground..just like the song "Above All" says...

If I dont say this, Ill be lying, but at times when God cant find someone to use, He will always find another. Its like, for every wrong friendship, God always brings in new ones. God doesnt stay passive. God moves according to your faith, not your need.

Brokenness is one word to describe today.

So much so that during the last worship song that we sang, after I got up from my knees, I felt a surge of heat just burst out from within my body. One split second, I felt it, *WHOOSH! Just like that.

And Timo got the cg to pray for me, the moment Prija laid hands on me, she felt fire on the back of her neck and I think Sean was mentioning that when he touched Prija's neck, he felt electricity. I didnt know I had so much 'stuff' in me lol. People touching me, feeling fire, feeling electricity, etc. Honestly, sorry guys but I felt nothing..BUT....I knew God has done something.

But really spiritually Im low-batt, like my anointing is getting drained every week lol. Cus every week for the past one year, if not once in two weeks, I will be in the hospital laying hands. Only the past 6 months I started visiting the hospital like almost every other day, laying hands and praying.

I know pastor lay hands like many times in one service, but I get to lay hands EVERY WEEK for ONE YEAR. Gosh! Even im amazed at how much capacity I had lol. But you can imagine, out of the hundreds of times, most of the time, nothing happens. Imagine if Im not strong, the discouragements I would have to deal with. :S

But by the grace of God, even though nothing happened, I still trust and obey, for there's no other way. But when things do happen, they range from "no more pain" to "total discharge from hospital" and the it seems the 'discharging anointing' was upon me for sometime lol.

Imagine I go round pray for every patient during that same day, I think next day the whole ward can empty already o.o

I would really like to thank Timo for offering to pray for me, I cant rem the last time I had people lay hands on me lol. Im surprised Ive come so far even without people laying hands and praying for me. :X

But I wanna thank those whove been praying for me and all. Just pray for faith, hope, love..the zoe life of God to come into my ahma once again. More than the physical healing, pray for emotional healing. I have a feeling once she's back up again, naturally the sickness will go. Cus these symptoms only occur after my ahgong went home.

And you dont need IQ to conclude its depression and that its psychosomatic.

So people who get stressed alot easily, better watch yourself. You may be fine now, but if you dont adjust your attitude now, next time when you're old, you're gonna start feeling the effects of it.

Happiness is a choice.

Everytime you see me smile, its not just because Im happy,
But its a small fight in me that says, "I havent given up".

And I wont. God and me, we will whip the devil so hard, everytime he sees me and God together he will feel and remember the pain. You have no idea who you're pissing off.

You're attacking me simply because you're scared!

Speaking of which, if your life is 'okay' only, you better start thinking, is the devil scared of you? Then again, if he is, are you ready to fight?

I was a fool to think I could heal anyone.
I was a fool to think I could encourage anyone.
I was a fool to think I could motivate anyone.
I was a fool to think I could provide for anyone.
I was a fool to think my blog could impact people.

All these while, it was You Lord!

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Oh yes, this week I gave another $50 away.
Andrew, stop it already, you think money grow on trees?
No I cant, sorry. lol.