Alone...

So many things are happening lately. Ah gong jus got weaker, now he's too weak to even move. =/ And on the same day, which was yesterday, I almost fainted at Changi Airport toilet, feeling nauseous and felt like vomiting at the same time. Even Timo told me my face looked white...

I dont know if its the food, or Im simply worn out and fatigued...

I appreciate mum for driving all the way there to pick me home.

Its not easy being a parent, sometimes we should learn from our parents.

I was thinking...if only I had a car. But then again, when u feel like vomiting and fainting, would you still drive? lol.

The more tough times I go through, the more drifted away I feel from my friends. I remembered what Amber said sometime ago, when we are 'up'...everything seems like a joke to us, we can smile and laugh and joke about everything...but when we are 'down', everything becomes so magnified, even the slightest joke could cause serious emotional damage...

Honestly, I feel friends are leaving one by one...maybe they cant bear to associate with someone whos going through so much, maybe they themselves cant handle it...I dont know. Maybe they're scared? Perhaps..

(No communication...) Sometimes I just wish I knew what people are thinking. Yea, I know, I sound like a girl, as if my needs are equal to a girl's and this may shock you, but that is true. My top 10 needs are the (guys' top 5 + the girls' top 5) needs. =O

But isnt that what the renewing of the mind is all about? God is both a man and a woman combined. And besides, a woman was formed out of a man, therefore, in order to be a real man, one has got to be able to relate to both sides...there has to be a woman on the inside.

Yes we guys want sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship, but if you do not feel the need for affection and openness and honesty at the same time, then I wouldnt say you're complete now does it? To be like God you gotta fuse the two gender realms together...

Anyway...back to the point...

I was telling Amber the other day..I just feel like cutting myself away from everyone..I am a threat to Satan..anyone who steps into my life is taking a big risk, a big step of faith..

Just by associating with me alone they could end up with even greater trials in their lives. :S Bad things may happen to them. I know Im wrong in saying this, but its like im a curse..=x In a time when I need emotional support the most, Im cutting myself away from people..I really dont know what to do..

If a guy doesnt feel good about himself, he's as good as not existing at all..

I dont feel close to anyone now...its like Amber said, everything is magnified. If a person comes to me, smiles and says hi, how are you...to me, that person just added +1000 points in my life. On the other hand, normally when a person is busy and cant afford to spend time with me, Im okay..because I understand I, myself, is busy most of the time.

But during such down times, unknowingly, a person could lose -1000 points in my life just like that. Everything is magnified, intensified. It could happen to anyone...

They say true friends are forged in the fire...likewise, friends that once were could be lost in the fire. Its so weird, last night I dreamt of a pet hamster, white fluffy and cute hamster. I dreamt that I was spending time with it and it got lost..I felt so sad..

It would be nice to have a pet sometimes, but Im not really a pet person, but the one thing I caught from that dream was:

Sometimes even animals can be more available than people.

Its like when ure down, ur pet is there for you to talk to and all that. They may not know how to talk, they may not even perceive emotions, but just by being there, that pet has gained +1000 points in your life, at that moment, your pet becomes your best friend.

Im sure pet owners will know what Im talking about...

This weekend is ministry on saturday (which is yesterday), service today, work from monday to friday, then night shift on friday and saturday. For one month, my life's been like that..Ive been busy Sunday to Sunday, for one month, Ive only had a single day's break which is my 1 leave day I applied like 2 weeks ago...

This sucks...

But anyway, Im glad Im walking the life of the cross. Im glad Im suffering because of Jesus, laying down my life for Him, for my family and friends.

They say God is love, and love is the desire to benefit others at the expense of self. You can prophesy or call down fire from heaven, but without love, you are nothing. No God, no love.

Ultimately, whats on the inside, will show on the outside.
Whats NOT on the inside, will not show on the outside.

Ive sacrificed a lot...but I love the life of sacrifice...even if no one was here to be with me, I will still do it, not because of who I am, but because of who He is...

His grace is sufficient...