Confused, lost.

Love is the desire to give at the expense of self.
True friends are interested in each other's lives.
To have friends, you must first be a friend.

Check this out from my handphone:

Inbox: 46
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Why does it always seem Im just wasting my time and energy?
Why must I waste my phonebills on investments that give no returns?
Why...must I be the rare one who is a DOER AND NOT A HEARER?

Where are the rest of the sons?
Where are the rest of the disciples?

Have you wondered around the premises waiting for the promises?
When was the last time your life took a whole new step and entered a whole new level?
When was the last time you had a spiritual breakthrough?

You have not because you ask not.
You believe for things, yet you cant bring yourself to ACT AS IF IT HAPPENED!
What faith is to you? What is the definition of faith?

How can you be a conqueror when you're always either a supporter or an escapee?
Is God like that?

Its not that Ive never tried.
Im exhausted. Maybe Ive been sowing seeds on ground that are stony, grounds that are thorny. Im glad a few went into good ground though. But most of them..nah..lousy soil. Ill be very blunt.

Ive always been giving and sacrificing...if I can do it why not you?

People ask me why Im so closed up and dead on the inside...its not because Ive not mixed around with people. Its just that hardly any of the people I mix with, made me happy. Period.

I dont know what it feels like to be happy, to have a companion, to be loved? Joke? Yes..here and there..but jokes mean nothing to me. The hype/happiness is only temporary...

My love language is QT and WOA. PT and GG are secondary..and AOS is a total gonner for me, I feel uncomfortable when people serve me. Yes. Cus its always the other way round..Ive come to place where Im soooooo happy to serve people that when people serve me, it feels weird!!

Ever since I got saved, living a life of sacrifice, the life of the cross, became a conviction to me. A conviction so strong that even in my darkest moments, I still sacrificed..

Because Ive been put down, at the same time, giving more of myself away, the 'wound' deepens, and before you know it, something else comes up, or some other joker comes into your life. And you sacrifice again, then maybe u get hurt again...and it just keeps going on and on.

Ive never really fully recovered from my wounds and hurts...

Its like you having a cut.
The scab appears you peel it...again...and again...and again...
Next thing you know, it bleeds again.
A scab tries to form, you scratch it, you peel it.
It will bleed...BUT...

Slowly, it will get 'used' to it and recover pretty fast...but...a scar is left behind.

Thats how my emotional being is. Its like a scab being peeled over and over again. Everyone Ive met, has hurt me some way or another, its not that they never tried to cheer me up, they do. But..the hurts always override the happy feelings...

Till now, Ive not met a SINGLE person on this earth, that has made me feel happy enough to forget my troubles...O_O Like my friend was telling me, it sounds as if only God can satisfy me, which I feel deep down...sadly...its true..=/

And I dont ask for people to make me happy...Im the kind of guy who just hardly expects anything in return. Unconditional...all the way, eventually, Ill come to a point where, my human nature cannot handle it anymore and God comes along the way.

Im not God, I cannot be unconditional...ALL the time, but I still try to. At the expense of myself. Damaging myself in the process..why? Because of a conviction so strong, no angel in heaven, no demon in hell can take it away from me.

I guess, Ive come to a point now, where its hard to repair my soul. Its not that God cant heal, yes He can..but at what rate do I get hurt compared to the rate I get my inner healing?

To me, whats the use of mixing with people? To me, love = depression. So much so that, thats why...whenever people try to irritate or make me angry, I can still smile.

Because Ive been hurt so bad...anger and disappointment becomes NOTHING...its like no feelings at all...total numbness..=x

I was talking to a friend on e phone I think what my friend said was so true,

That sometimes its because of conviction. Most people do not have a strong conviction. To them, a sermon is an ego-stroker, something to make them feel good, feel encouraged, to them, its just a good idea, an inspiration, a great sermon...

The word never really became part of their lives, its not as if its something they would be ready to DIE for...the word has not become flesh!

I kinda understands how pastor would feel, knowing that the sermon he preaches every week, the time, the energy, the sacrifices he made, that the sermon would fall on stony ground, thorny ground and some on good ground....

Its just how I feel about people, about friends...Im not here to rant on how I feel or what I think, Im here to share with you what Ive SEEN and EXPERIENCED.

The question I would leave you today is pretty simple..

What kind of ground are you?
No use sowing the BEST SEED, in a lousy ground.
Because 999 x 0 is still ZERO.