Random

For the next 2 weeks I wont be seeing my parents cus theyll be overseas..

I have 2 tests and 1 exams..

Lonely in camp, lonely at home.
Sleeping alone, eating alone, crying in the presence of God alone..
I no longer feel lonely now, Im so used to being alone, living alone..
Just me and God..and even though sometimes I dont really feel Him..

Have I changed? Does the Andrew that you know still exist?

Am I still the funny lame guy people talked about?
Am I still the cute smiley kid people used to say about me?
I dont think so. Manly huh? Yeah, very manly indeed.
Im so 'strong' that I cant feel emotions anymore.

So 'strong' that when people are hurt I can just say, its okay and not feel a thing.
Im a man now, not because of God anymore, but because of the world.
Im no different from men from the world, Ive seen porn from the people around me,
Ive raised my fists and legs at people. Ive spoken vulgarities.

I no longer like to socialise, I no longer like to be around people.
Everytime people gather, I will walk away.
Being alone doesnt really make me emo anymore, being around people now makes me emo.

Yet..

Why do I get so many compliments from people around me?
Why do I get so many encouraging statements from people around me?

Why am I able to draw so many people, what makes me attractive?
Where does my strength come from?

How can strangers read my blog and feel blessed?
How can my smile brighten people's day?
How can my words bring life to broken dreams?
How can my fingers bring down the presence of God?

Why do people tell me Im loved and treasured.
What is it have I done? I dont know.

Yes, Ive encouraged, when Im discouraged.
Yes, Ive brought smiles, when Im not smiling myself.

How can all this be possible?
How can I draw down the presence of God when Im going through depression?

Is it because of my daily walk with God?
I dont know.

All I know is, whoever you are, whoever is out there, if you read this and Im your friend...

Just know that I paid a heavy price to be your friend.
All the hardships I go through, is just so that you can smile.
All the tears Ive shed, is just so that you can pick yourself up again.

People tell me my blog is encouraging..

Its only through my brokenness, that the love of God can flow.

Im already broken..every single day, every single minute, over and over again..
Words alone cannot express how my heart aches..

Most of the nights in my bunk I would be in tears,
No one knows, no one sees, except God.
Hiding under my pillow crying till 12 plus in the morning..sleeping only 4-5 hours..
And then waking up to face the next day, encouraging people along the way..

Sometimes when ure at ur lowest, there will be a bunch of people who would love to step on you and crush you until you die. Honestly, I dont mind. Just do whatever you want to me.

When Jesus was mocked and flogged, He never retaliated.

I could sympathise with Him, the sufferings He went through along the way from the cross, He mustve felt even more lonely than me..Lord, I understand, Lord, I know how it was like roughly to go through something like that, thats why Im working so hard Lord..thats why Im giving my best, even though I have nothing left to give, because Lord, I want to be like You.

When I had my chest pain, I was so happy, I thought I could finally die.
But I didnt. When I felt giddy and faintish, I thought I was gonna pass out and
Everyone would be over, but I didnt. Why? =((

I wonder, what did Jesus feel seconds before He breathed His last?
Was He heartbroken? Or was He happy that everything would finally be finished?
Maybe both?

I died, so that you could live.