Sick, Dad, Thoughts

Okay, for some reason I fell sick after I left the bus, my body started feeling hot, and I started feeling lethargic and my nose started reacting. Felt really drowsy even as I sat at the library.

Something happened just now. I really dont understand my dad.

All this while, no christmas, no new year, no countdown, all those months of sacrifice and hardwork, now he tells me, "Dont give me excuses for not working!" WTF MAN! WTF!!!!!

EXCUSES!?!? All those months of pain and sorrow and now you tell me they are just EXCUSES TO YOU!?!

Can earning 1,500 a month be compared to earning 10,000 in 20 weeks!?! Come on, dont give me that crap! You talk to me like I have never changed. You talk to me like Im like someone else you know.

There are people who cant be bothered, stay at home and rot their lifetime away. DONT COMPARE ME WITH THEM! Just because you know people like that doesnt give you the right to stereotype me with such lowlives like them!

Not even once you encouraged me! Not even once you supported what I was doing! Its been 21 years. Maybe I wont even get a single encouragement all my lifetime!

When I fail you blame me for not working hard. Fine. When I pass, you ask me to be careful not to fail! Is failure all you see in your eyes?

Is fear and doubt all you see? Come on! God is real! DONT LIVE AS IF HE'S DEAD!

You keep on asking me why I seem to ignorant to your words. So you are telling me that you dont even know what you are saying??? ARE YOU EVEN CONSCIOUS OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING? You're not posessed are you!?!

As long as your words are negative, I wont give a damn what you say! I listen to the voice of God, to the voice of faith, not the voice of doubt or the voice of fear. Why should my life's boundaries be framed by your words!?!

Do you even DARE to believe in your own son?

If Im in the wrong and you scold me, Im fine. But come on, even when my programming went from an F to an A, all you told me was, "You see? God has blessed you with good results. Next time you better work hard, dont think God will keep on blessing you..."

Oh...SO I WORKED MY ASS OFF AND YOU TELL ME, its luck!?! COME ON!

Sorry but I have no idea who your god is!

Im not just lonely, because everyday Im stuck at the comp looking at codes, Im lonely because even at home, I dont have anyone who understands. No one I can turn to. My mum's busy and I told myself, I will grow up and learn to be more responsible, which I can say I did, even the slightest improvement.

But still, I can never be good enough for dad. If you want a perfect son, Im sorry, I cant be your perfect son. I smiled and say hi to you, and you shouted back at me and scolded me for not going out to work!

Im not your garbage chute for you to dump your emo-ness on me!

Last time when I was young, I cried when you scolded me. Not because you were fierce, but because you wronged me all the time. And you scolded me for crying.

And when I tried to explain, you scolded me for talking back and being rude. When I said nothing because I was afraid of you, you scolded me for not being open and honest, and worse still, you scolded me because you said I was rude by not answering you when you talk to me!

WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT!?! When my mouth is shut, Im rude. When I open my mouth, Im rude. What? You want me to open my BUTTHOLE AND TALK TO YOU FROM MY BUTT!?!

I know you're trying to help and you're concerned and all. Im sorry Im not able to do anything about it. I cant possibly change the way you think about me. I dont blame anyone. I dont expect you to be perfect either. Im willing to go on living like this if you're happy saying those things to me, Ill let you say them.

I wont retaliate, neither will I defend myself. You are always right, I am always wrong.

Maybe this is the first time Im blogging this. Maybe some of you think, Im blessed. Well..Im trying really hard to smile everyday. Yes, everyone goes through problems, but I never mentioned this to anyone.

I dont know if anyone understands, the extent of loneliness I go through.

Everytime I see people with friends, classmates, colleagues, even some hanging out with strangers, Im always at one corner, by myself.

Every single day, I live by myself. If you place a CCTV above my head, monday to friday. You'll realise that the only person you see in the circuit TV monitor is me. I dont come into contact with anyone else at all.

I really dont know how to continue, living by myself all the time. Learning to suppress my hurts, suppress my anger all the time, even though I know its not good for my mental well-being. But what can I do? There no one around. I cant possibly talk to strangers.

Its no good just to have msn or phone, being physically there means a lot to me. Thats why I treasure fellowship. Thats why I feel hurt when people dont turn up for service or celgrp. Im not angry or anything, Im more hurt than angry.

Just dont tick me off. If you're smart you dont wanna release 21 years of suppressed anger. Seriously you dont. Okay not 21 years, the last time I shouted back at someone was I think sec1. And that was my bro. I have not shouted at anyone other than people within my family since pri1. Hard to believe? But true.

I was fat and ugly. I was defenseless and bullied all the time. Looked down upon by people, hurt emotionally by parents. To me, I had no value, no future, no talent, I just wished I didnt exist, it didnt really matter because I looked like the kind of person no one would be friends with.

I had zero confidence, shy (I am still btw), no self-esteem whatsoever.

Since then (pri1) I have not shouted anymore at anyone outside my family. I knew that whats the point in defending myself, whats the point in explaining myself, if no one would listen at all. I go to church, sunday school, but it was religion.

I never had a relationship with God like I had now. I felt so useless and worthless, because I looked atrocious and I didnt really talk much. When I got angry, I didnt use my mouth, I used my hands. Throwing stones at those kids who bullied me at the playground, even taking a knife at home.

If it werent for God, I wouldnt still be alive. I wouldve ended my life. If it werent for God, I wouldnt have had the guts to do videos and take photos.

When I first came to chc, I was still a little ugly and of no value. The first few close friends that I made were Evan, Pow wee, Pam, Peng, Quincy and Yong Ren.

I have changed a lot. Not everybody sees it.

Its okay, I dont expect anyone to know.