Breaking point

I just feel like a useless brother..

I dont deserve such a kind brother. These are one of the few times I really cried while blogging. On the train, I received a call. Im really tired. Im really worn out. Sometimes I just feel like quitting but Ive always told myself, to do the best I can, even though its so minute and small no one actually notices it.

All these while..my bro is always the one standing in for me. Always the one replacing me. I didnt wanna ask him, because he already served today. How can I call myself a brother if I cant even take care of him? Is there even once I helped stand in for him? No. Why? Because Im either preparing for exams, or rushing for projects for repeat modules.

Does anyone understand and know what Im going through? No. I know Im not as smart as most people I know. You have no idea the pain of failing, the pain of being left out, the pain of going through 2 years of my life alone, with no one to turn to. "Why dont you share it?".

Whats the point? Do I even matter? Im nothing more than just a stumbling block. Have I made a positive impact? I dont think so. Have I been a blessing? Maybe here and there. Im just another celgrp member, another ministry member, another friend..there's really nothing special about me..

Even in celgrp..so many things could not be done because of me. What can I do? Nothing. Everyday Im confined and there's nothing I can do. Things postponed because of me, things restructured and replanned because of me.

Stumbling block. Source of diversion. Thats all I can be. Nothing more than just a pain in some people's necks. Never good enough...no matter how hard I tried despite my circumstances.

Holding back my tears on the train ride home..of all the people I know. Only evan and adam have seen me actually cried, broken and empty.

Im not as fortunate as other people..who have a wonderful breakaway experience. I dont have any memories. Neither do I have any christmas memories, Christmas was me, by myself and my computer. Thanksgiving, I blew it. New year countdown..I never had anyone to countdown with..

Christmas gifts, just one or two, but Im already more than happy. Can anyone even comprehend what Im going through? I dont breakdown because of stress, I seldom do. Obviously its not the stress, yes, I feel totally helpless because no one can help me in my project. But more than just the surface, I dont think anyone understands what goes on on the inside.

Why dont you share it?

I cant..I just cant. I feel uncomfortable. Its not a pride issue. If it is I wouldnt have broken down before a female leader, neither could I allow myself to pour my tears out in front of my leader. I couldnt find anyone, that Im close with enough to pour out my hurts, except Adam. Its hard to find someone, whom I can relate to:

Not as andrew the guitarist.
Not as andrew the encourager.
Not as andrew the celgrp member.
Not as andrew the friend.
Not as andrew the son.
Not as andrew the brother.

But as andrew for who he really is. Very hard. To find anyone whom I can relate to at that level of emotional intimacy and closeness, other than God and Adam.

I really cannot take it anymore...I no longer have the strength to smile anymore...

And I, worship Your Lord.
My life in You restored.
Here is my heart,
Make it Your sanctuary.
For nobody else, but Jesus only You...