How to choose the right partner for your life?
Notes for "Finding the Right Partner" - Rev Kong Hee.
Gloria Estefan - "We seal our fates by the decisions we make."
Your decisions determine your destiny.
The 2 greatest decisions you can make in your life:
1. The accept or to reject God.
2. Choosing your life partner.
By knowing who to choose as your LIFE partner, (note: not love partner, not 'friend-friend' partner, but a LIFE partner), either you end up having a heaven on earth, or a living hell.
No its not just about boyfriends or girlfriends, its about husband and wives! People who are not just involved in a love relationship, but in a love commitment, a love covenant!
Gen 2:15-18
God is the one who created marriage and sex. It was a beautiful thing, but the world has twisted it and 'cheapened' marriage and sex into something casual!
Sometimes, even married couples are ashamed of 'making love' because they live in an environment, a culture that portrays it as something shameful.
I remembered ps kong shared before, sex is the most intimate and enjoyable thing if you're married..but the price you have to pay, is a LIFELONG COMMITMENT. In other words, you pay it with your entire life! Back to notes..
Many people are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges!
It takes character to build bridges and connect with someone else.
It takes character to live not just for yourself, but to care, share, protect and provide for someone else!
It takes character to listen and communicate love and forgiveness.
God saw a need in Adam.
Without a marriage to a woman, Adam would never mature fully in his character!
Man and women are made to complement each other. Thus, we need each other. (Women have traits men dont have, and men have traits women dont have.)
Marriage develops your character as a person and your spiritual growth as a child of God!
CHOOSING THE RIGHT LIFE PARTNER
Too many people choose the wrong partners and then wonder why their relationships arent working!
God doesnt choose your mate for you!
Yes He has in mind the best person for you, but ultimately, its YOUR choice!
Prov 18:22 - "He who finds a wife, finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD."
It didnt say he who finds a girlfriend, it says he who finds a WIFE.
Who does the finding? You!
WHY DO WE FALL IN LOVE?
Love is not a feeling, it is a choice!
Do you fall in love because:
1. Of charming looks? Cuteness/Macho-ness/Sexyness?
2. Of how energetic he/she is? Personality?
3. Skills and talents?
All these are NOT good reasons to start a relationship!
What about his/her emotional skills?
Maturity? Spirituality? Attitude? Character?
Who you need VS who you want.
THREE DEADLY MYTHS ABOUT LOVE
Many of us hold on to "Love Myths" that actually prevent us from making intelligent love choices.
Myth 1: True romantic love conquers all.
E.g. If I truly love someone it wont matter if:
He drinks heavily.
She criticises me all the time.
He flirts with other girls.
She has a terrible temper and blows up all the time.
Etc, etc...
Thats not love! What you have is TOLERANCE! You guys are just merely tolerating one another. And that is not healthy.
"All I need is true love" is a myth! It takes more than the romance of dating to ensure a happy marriage.
There are 2 consequences if you believe this myth:
1. You wont deal with real relationship problems.
E.g. If we truly love each other, then all these bad things dont matter, right? WRONG!
Does God love you? Yes. Did He accept you for who you are? Yes.
Did He leave you a sinner? Definitely not!
(PS (my own notes): They say love is blind. Well then..if you really believe love is blind, then I think you are really blind! Love takes focus, it takes dedication, passion and commitment! Love is not naive or ignorant, you are a lover for goodness sake! Not a simpleton!)
2. You will beat yourself up emotionally whenever things turn sour.
E.g. "If I only love him/her more, I know I can save the relationship."
Romance and courtship is NOT enough to make a relationship work! It needs COMPATIBILITY and COMMITMENT!
Myth 2: You will recognise true love at first sight.
3 dangers:
1. You may ignore the rest of the relationship.
A happy, fulfilling relationship must endure the process of time!You will tend to focus on how good that first 'feeling' is and ignore the reality of the situation!
E.g. When things are not working out, you will tend to just ignore it, rather than face it.
2. You may miss the chance for real lasting love.
You become too dependent on the 'electrifying' feeling to know what true love is.
To you, if there's no electricity, there's no love.
This addiction to the instant high of infatuation can be dangerous because one can miss the real love that has developed.
While it takes a moment to experience infatuation, true love always develops through the passage of time!
3. You may become infatuated with an 'image'.
You think you are falling in love.
You become obsessed with looks, what he does, how much money he has, car he drives, accomplishments in his life, etc..
You end up building a 'fantasy relationship' in your head over an image all the time! Ignoring and becoming oblivious to the REAL PERSON!
The person may be spiritually and emotionally incompatible with you!
Myth 3: The perfect partner will fulfill you completely.
No human being alive on earth can do that!
Many walk into relationships expecting people to fulfill our every need! When they dont, you become resentful and disillusioned!
E.g. "My boyfriend must be rich, he must do this, he must do that..or my girlfriend must do this, must do that, must behave this way, that way.., etc.."
(PS: You blame everyone, you blame yourself, you even can end up blaming God!)
True love is not one of taking and demanding, but of giving and sharing!If you feel emotionally empty before you enter a relationship, you will feel just as empty when you are in a relationship!
That emptiness can only be filled by God. The moment we ask Him into our hearts.
(PS: How can one show love, unless he/she is first loved?)
Eph 3:17-19
EIGHT TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT WONT WORK
1. You care more about your partner than he cares about you.
E.g. You are in love. But you are not sure how he feels. You think the two of you make a perfect couple, but he doesnt seem to be that excited about the relationship.
E.g. You cant stop thinking about him even when you're apart, but he seems to be doing fine and normal without you. This obviously goes to show the relationship isnt gonna work.
Amos 3:3
The feeling of being "in love" doesnt last forever. They come on and off. That is why love is a choice. Its not just based on a feeling. Relationships need both parties to agree on one another and pursue each other.
If this continues, you'll end up feeling angry, cheated, miserable, or starving for love.
2. You are in love with your partner's potential.
You are not in love with who they really are. Instead, you are in love with who they can become!
That person isnt really your love partner, but your "pet project"!
Do not fall in love or worship an 'image'. (Rom 1:23-25)
You end up loving in deception. (Jer 37:9)
Its okay to desire to see him grow, but he should be enough for you as he is right now!
Dont gamble with your happiness and future, hoping he will 'eventually' become your 'dream person'!
Ask yourself: "Am I willing to spend the rest of my life with this person even if he never changes the way he is right now?"
3. You are on a rescue mission.
E.g. you often feel sorry for him/her, you feel totally responsible to help get his/her life in order, you are afraid that without you, your partner's life will fall apart, etc.
Dont be a 'rescue-holic'!
Rescue-holics dont find partners who are compatible, but partners whom they feel compelled to help! This is a love affair, not a rescue mission!
You tend to mistake sympathy for love.
The person you love must be someone you feel respect for, proud of who he is.
A genuine love relationship is not about how much you can do for a person, but about how much intimacy you two can experience together.
Hosea 6:4-6
God doesnt want us to do things for Him, (I mean, God doesnt need our help, we need Him!), He wants us to have a love relationship with Him! This should be the same for your mate.
4. You look up to your partner as a role model.
E.g. actress falling in love with her director, secretary falling in love with her boss, church falling in love with pastor, etc.
When you fall in love with someone who is your role model, its difficult to have a normal relationship. You can never genuinely relate to each other as equals.
Its not about status, its about attitude!
People of different status CAN fall in love.
Dont put your partner on a pedestal, you will feel inferior to him.
People who fall in love with a role model suffer from low self-esteem.
"You shall love your neighbour, as YOURSELF". - Matt 22:39
How can you love people if you cant even love yourself?
To make a relationship work, you must:
a. Love and appreciate yourself as much as you love and admire him.
b. Your partner is willing to stop functioning as your mentor.
5. You are infatuated with your partner for external reasons.
E.g. you fall in love with a girl with beautiful eyes, or a guy who pierces your soul with his guitar, a guy who moves your heart with his singing, or a hunk/babe that is drop-dead gorgeous.
Ask yourself:
If he/she doesnt have those traits, would you still love that person and be willing to spend the REST of your life with him/her?
(PS: One day we will all grow old and poor, one day, we will look ugly, one day we will be weak and immovable, can you still love? Can you still stay strong and committed?)
6. You and your partner are really "trench buddies".
E.g. you both are thrown into a project together, the project takes long hours and lots of teamwork, you end up falling in love.
E.g. you go on a holiday and you met a stranger and got close as friends, you feel like you're falling in love.
"Trench buddies" are people thrown into the trenches of unusual environments where they live life together for a short while. They become closely bonded together. Usually, it doesnt last!
Is it possible to find a soul mate while doing a project or on a vacation? Of course, on rare occasions.
The danger is you become so obsessed with being together that you forget that a happy, fulfilling relationship can ONLY be forged through a process of TIME!
7. You choose a partner in order to be rebellious.
E.g. Your family emphasises the importance of money and prestige, you purposely choose partners who are broke, your family believes in discipline, you purposely bring back slobs, your parents are conservative and strict, you purposely bring back the wild and immoral!
Its not that people of different backgrounds cant get along, the issue here is you are bringing people home to upset your parents of to prove your 'rebellion'.
When you act out of compulsion and not out of choice, your love is no longer genuine and your relationship is doomed to fail!
8. Your partner is emotionally unavailable.
This is not a RELATIONSHIP at all!
The first requirement is that your partner is available! For those of us who pretend we dont know what the world 'available' means, here is the definition:
Free to be in a relationship with you; not involved with anyone else; not married; not engaged; not going steady; not sleeping with another person; alone; single; all yours.
If a person is already engaged or married, stay away! Dont give any excuses! You WILL be hurt, you WILL be broken! No matter what!
By accepting someone who is already in a relationship, you are taking nothing more than just the person's leftovers! You deserve much more better than that!
What are the good relationships to go for?
Get into one in which you love your partner:
1. Not because you feel sorry for him.
2. Not because you want him to take care of you.
3. Not because you are in love with his potential and abilities.
4. Not because you are in love with his looks.
5. Not because you want to spite your parents.
Get into a relationship where you and your partner truly love each other and are meeting EACH OTHER's needs.
PS: One day you guys are gonna get married. And you are gonna be with each other till the day you die. Everyday you wake up, you see him/her, everyday you sleep, you sleep on the same bed, you see his/her face. If you are gonna live a life of a married-single, why get attached in the first place? Dont deceive yourself and dont cheat on others!
You want people to grow up, you grow up first!
You want situations to change, you change first!
You can only prosper to the extent your soul prospers!
PS: Those who want the notes I can compile into a document and send it to you :)
Gloria Estefan - "We seal our fates by the decisions we make."
Your decisions determine your destiny.
The 2 greatest decisions you can make in your life:
1. The accept or to reject God.
2. Choosing your life partner.
By knowing who to choose as your LIFE partner, (note: not love partner, not 'friend-friend' partner, but a LIFE partner), either you end up having a heaven on earth, or a living hell.
No its not just about boyfriends or girlfriends, its about husband and wives! People who are not just involved in a love relationship, but in a love commitment, a love covenant!
Gen 2:15-18
God is the one who created marriage and sex. It was a beautiful thing, but the world has twisted it and 'cheapened' marriage and sex into something casual!
Sometimes, even married couples are ashamed of 'making love' because they live in an environment, a culture that portrays it as something shameful.
I remembered ps kong shared before, sex is the most intimate and enjoyable thing if you're married..but the price you have to pay, is a LIFELONG COMMITMENT. In other words, you pay it with your entire life! Back to notes..
Many people are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges!
It takes character to build bridges and connect with someone else.
It takes character to live not just for yourself, but to care, share, protect and provide for someone else!
It takes character to listen and communicate love and forgiveness.
God saw a need in Adam.
Without a marriage to a woman, Adam would never mature fully in his character!
Man and women are made to complement each other. Thus, we need each other. (Women have traits men dont have, and men have traits women dont have.)
Marriage develops your character as a person and your spiritual growth as a child of God!
CHOOSING THE RIGHT LIFE PARTNER
Too many people choose the wrong partners and then wonder why their relationships arent working!
God doesnt choose your mate for you!
Yes He has in mind the best person for you, but ultimately, its YOUR choice!
Prov 18:22 - "He who finds a wife, finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD."
It didnt say he who finds a girlfriend, it says he who finds a WIFE.
Who does the finding? You!
WHY DO WE FALL IN LOVE?
Love is not a feeling, it is a choice!
Do you fall in love because:
1. Of charming looks? Cuteness/Macho-ness/Sexyness?
2. Of how energetic he/she is? Personality?
3. Skills and talents?
All these are NOT good reasons to start a relationship!
What about his/her emotional skills?
Maturity? Spirituality? Attitude? Character?
Who you need VS who you want.
THREE DEADLY MYTHS ABOUT LOVE
Many of us hold on to "Love Myths" that actually prevent us from making intelligent love choices.
Myth 1: True romantic love conquers all.
E.g. If I truly love someone it wont matter if:
He drinks heavily.
She criticises me all the time.
He flirts with other girls.
She has a terrible temper and blows up all the time.
Etc, etc...
Thats not love! What you have is TOLERANCE! You guys are just merely tolerating one another. And that is not healthy.
"All I need is true love" is a myth! It takes more than the romance of dating to ensure a happy marriage.
There are 2 consequences if you believe this myth:
1. You wont deal with real relationship problems.
E.g. If we truly love each other, then all these bad things dont matter, right? WRONG!
Does God love you? Yes. Did He accept you for who you are? Yes.
Did He leave you a sinner? Definitely not!
(PS (my own notes): They say love is blind. Well then..if you really believe love is blind, then I think you are really blind! Love takes focus, it takes dedication, passion and commitment! Love is not naive or ignorant, you are a lover for goodness sake! Not a simpleton!)
2. You will beat yourself up emotionally whenever things turn sour.
E.g. "If I only love him/her more, I know I can save the relationship."
Romance and courtship is NOT enough to make a relationship work! It needs COMPATIBILITY and COMMITMENT!
Myth 2: You will recognise true love at first sight.
3 dangers:
1. You may ignore the rest of the relationship.
A happy, fulfilling relationship must endure the process of time!You will tend to focus on how good that first 'feeling' is and ignore the reality of the situation!
E.g. When things are not working out, you will tend to just ignore it, rather than face it.
2. You may miss the chance for real lasting love.
You become too dependent on the 'electrifying' feeling to know what true love is.
To you, if there's no electricity, there's no love.
This addiction to the instant high of infatuation can be dangerous because one can miss the real love that has developed.
While it takes a moment to experience infatuation, true love always develops through the passage of time!
3. You may become infatuated with an 'image'.
You think you are falling in love.
You become obsessed with looks, what he does, how much money he has, car he drives, accomplishments in his life, etc..
You end up building a 'fantasy relationship' in your head over an image all the time! Ignoring and becoming oblivious to the REAL PERSON!
The person may be spiritually and emotionally incompatible with you!
Myth 3: The perfect partner will fulfill you completely.
No human being alive on earth can do that!
Many walk into relationships expecting people to fulfill our every need! When they dont, you become resentful and disillusioned!
E.g. "My boyfriend must be rich, he must do this, he must do that..or my girlfriend must do this, must do that, must behave this way, that way.., etc.."
(PS: You blame everyone, you blame yourself, you even can end up blaming God!)
True love is not one of taking and demanding, but of giving and sharing!If you feel emotionally empty before you enter a relationship, you will feel just as empty when you are in a relationship!
That emptiness can only be filled by God. The moment we ask Him into our hearts.
(PS: How can one show love, unless he/she is first loved?)
Eph 3:17-19
EIGHT TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT WONT WORK
1. You care more about your partner than he cares about you.
E.g. You are in love. But you are not sure how he feels. You think the two of you make a perfect couple, but he doesnt seem to be that excited about the relationship.
E.g. You cant stop thinking about him even when you're apart, but he seems to be doing fine and normal without you. This obviously goes to show the relationship isnt gonna work.
Amos 3:3
The feeling of being "in love" doesnt last forever. They come on and off. That is why love is a choice. Its not just based on a feeling. Relationships need both parties to agree on one another and pursue each other.
If this continues, you'll end up feeling angry, cheated, miserable, or starving for love.
2. You are in love with your partner's potential.
You are not in love with who they really are. Instead, you are in love with who they can become!
That person isnt really your love partner, but your "pet project"!
Do not fall in love or worship an 'image'. (Rom 1:23-25)
You end up loving in deception. (Jer 37:9)
Its okay to desire to see him grow, but he should be enough for you as he is right now!
Dont gamble with your happiness and future, hoping he will 'eventually' become your 'dream person'!
Ask yourself: "Am I willing to spend the rest of my life with this person even if he never changes the way he is right now?"
3. You are on a rescue mission.
E.g. you often feel sorry for him/her, you feel totally responsible to help get his/her life in order, you are afraid that without you, your partner's life will fall apart, etc.
Dont be a 'rescue-holic'!
Rescue-holics dont find partners who are compatible, but partners whom they feel compelled to help! This is a love affair, not a rescue mission!
You tend to mistake sympathy for love.
The person you love must be someone you feel respect for, proud of who he is.
A genuine love relationship is not about how much you can do for a person, but about how much intimacy you two can experience together.
Hosea 6:4-6
God doesnt want us to do things for Him, (I mean, God doesnt need our help, we need Him!), He wants us to have a love relationship with Him! This should be the same for your mate.
4. You look up to your partner as a role model.
E.g. actress falling in love with her director, secretary falling in love with her boss, church falling in love with pastor, etc.
When you fall in love with someone who is your role model, its difficult to have a normal relationship. You can never genuinely relate to each other as equals.
Its not about status, its about attitude!
People of different status CAN fall in love.
Dont put your partner on a pedestal, you will feel inferior to him.
People who fall in love with a role model suffer from low self-esteem.
"You shall love your neighbour, as YOURSELF". - Matt 22:39
How can you love people if you cant even love yourself?
To make a relationship work, you must:
a. Love and appreciate yourself as much as you love and admire him.
b. Your partner is willing to stop functioning as your mentor.
5. You are infatuated with your partner for external reasons.
E.g. you fall in love with a girl with beautiful eyes, or a guy who pierces your soul with his guitar, a guy who moves your heart with his singing, or a hunk/babe that is drop-dead gorgeous.
Ask yourself:
If he/she doesnt have those traits, would you still love that person and be willing to spend the REST of your life with him/her?
(PS: One day we will all grow old and poor, one day, we will look ugly, one day we will be weak and immovable, can you still love? Can you still stay strong and committed?)
6. You and your partner are really "trench buddies".
E.g. you both are thrown into a project together, the project takes long hours and lots of teamwork, you end up falling in love.
E.g. you go on a holiday and you met a stranger and got close as friends, you feel like you're falling in love.
"Trench buddies" are people thrown into the trenches of unusual environments where they live life together for a short while. They become closely bonded together. Usually, it doesnt last!
Is it possible to find a soul mate while doing a project or on a vacation? Of course, on rare occasions.
The danger is you become so obsessed with being together that you forget that a happy, fulfilling relationship can ONLY be forged through a process of TIME!
7. You choose a partner in order to be rebellious.
E.g. Your family emphasises the importance of money and prestige, you purposely choose partners who are broke, your family believes in discipline, you purposely bring back slobs, your parents are conservative and strict, you purposely bring back the wild and immoral!
Its not that people of different backgrounds cant get along, the issue here is you are bringing people home to upset your parents of to prove your 'rebellion'.
When you act out of compulsion and not out of choice, your love is no longer genuine and your relationship is doomed to fail!
8. Your partner is emotionally unavailable.
This is not a RELATIONSHIP at all!
The first requirement is that your partner is available! For those of us who pretend we dont know what the world 'available' means, here is the definition:
Free to be in a relationship with you; not involved with anyone else; not married; not engaged; not going steady; not sleeping with another person; alone; single; all yours.
If a person is already engaged or married, stay away! Dont give any excuses! You WILL be hurt, you WILL be broken! No matter what!
By accepting someone who is already in a relationship, you are taking nothing more than just the person's leftovers! You deserve much more better than that!
What are the good relationships to go for?
Get into one in which you love your partner:
1. Not because you feel sorry for him.
2. Not because you want him to take care of you.
3. Not because you are in love with his potential and abilities.
4. Not because you are in love with his looks.
5. Not because you want to spite your parents.
Get into a relationship where you and your partner truly love each other and are meeting EACH OTHER's needs.
PS: One day you guys are gonna get married. And you are gonna be with each other till the day you die. Everyday you wake up, you see him/her, everyday you sleep, you sleep on the same bed, you see his/her face. If you are gonna live a life of a married-single, why get attached in the first place? Dont deceive yourself and dont cheat on others!
You want people to grow up, you grow up first!
You want situations to change, you change first!
You can only prosper to the extent your soul prospers!
PS: Those who want the notes I can compile into a document and send it to you :)
posted by Androne at
12:37 PM
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