Mental

before i start with this post..i was chatting with my ex ROSE-pal haha. she's playing ROSE again..but another private server. she was telling me.."andrew, im very bored..i miss you..i want you to play with me"

i was like.."awww.." haha and she went.."i dont wanna sleep alone.." i was like.."!!O.O!!" hahaha..funny sia. its not like we met in person before. she's not even from singapore haha..she stays in KL. so i thought..man..thats e first time a girl actually tells me "i miss you..i dont wanna sleep alone." haha..stunned..but..

theres always a first time for everything right? haha. okay, its not e first time some girl told me she missed me..those words are powerful..when ure at ur lowest point hearing those words just makes you feel important and valued..and loved, that you actually matter to someone.

i think im gonna go mental soon. this loneliness is depressing. for 2 weeks now..i sit at my desk staring at the screen and stoned. nobody to talk to.

the only ppl i talk to everyday is my parents when i come home..and the stall vendor when i order food. =/ those in school have people to talk to..those working have people to talk to.

here i look around..there's hardly even anyone. everyday its like that. not even an sms or a call from any soul, not that i expect anyone to sms/call, u dont really need to. just now when i was at the canteen..

i was having my brunch..and i was very hungry. i ordered chicken cutlet meal. i sat there. ate the chicken and stoned. everything seemed tasteless to me..i think im losing my appetite. not those whereby you dont feel like eating..

losing appetite as in those psychological problems that kind. i was sitting there..i wanted to just close my eyes forever...i looked around..everyone in a table of at least 3-4, and here i am..eating alone everyday..

now im back at my workdesk..and again. im alone. before brunch, im alone. when i wake up, im alone. even when i sleep, i sleep alone. im scared i might suffer from anti-socialism again..im scared i will become the andrew again that doesnt like to talk to anyone..

in fact..i think im already at that state. i feel uncomfortable talking to people..i feel uncomfortable around people. it feels claustrophobic. people talk to me..i wont answer. its as if im locked up. im not talking abt msn/sms..im talking about in real life..

wasted 3 dollars on food that i didnt finish. you might think 3 dollars is nothing..that 3 bucks are from my coinbox at home where i keep my change coins. i literally have nothing to spend on..just losing one dollar is enough to drive me to depression..okay, mebbe not that bad..but u get e idea.

i wonder how some people can spend 5-10 bucks and not feel a thing..here i am..one dollar wasted and im already feeling depressed. mebbe its becos i know every cent belongs to God and anything that belongs to Him means a lot to me.

How much does God mean to you?

Do you take everything you have for granted?

Do you take the people you have for granted?

How much do you think of Him?

I think of Him all the time..even when im in e toilet.

Only when you've come to the end of yourself, then you'll realise that God is all you need.

oh ya..i heard this week's svc will have a short drama..haha