Mixed feelings

first of all..jus wanna say celgrp was great..and it kept on moving from glory to glory! from W390, to E110 and for this special week i get to play in sister Pauline's cg!!!! thats like evan's cgl!!! and the special guest in sis pauline's cg is sister Jo, Pauline's cgl!!! man...=)

joshua was there as well for makeup :D palyed Taboo...haha quite fun. in church we have spelling bee to boost our education, in cg we have Taboo =)

indeed when u are faithful in e little and when u honor God with your sacrifices, He will put u before great men! met lots of new people...its e best cg ive been this week! honestly...e presence of God was so tangible..

i was in tears throughout e worship...and God showed up and people got ministered. but its not about who I am and what I can do, but its about who HE is and what HE can do through me!

after cg celebrated HeXun's bdae. and to e sister whom i played guitar with during PnW, you did a good job! keep the desire and the passion burning strong, i believe one day not only ure gonna play for ur own cg, but ure gonna play for large crowds and do great things for God! :))

now back to something that disturbed me...

saturday was a bad day for me. i mean..towards e end of e day. im glad kenneth could come today...its been long since i met him manz..haha. but i noticed something was wrong in e atmosphere of hall1 the moment i stepped in...

during praise n worship...i could hardly hear anyone's voices...except mine! people were not clapping e way they did during emerge...what's this? emerge may just be a one time event a year, but the presence of God is supposed to be a part of our lives EVERY SECOND!

there was an atmosphere of heaviness in the entire hall..very little presence of God...esp durin PnW, if i can briefly say..ZERO presence of God. just like other big churches /gatherings ive been to...ZERO heart of worship...ZERO fear of God...although the hall was e biggest..

the attendance was the LOWEST! and the atmosphere was the WORST! and i heard some ppl didnt come because of world cup..whats this!?! i was so provoked...so grieved in my spirit..that it affected my cg members during fellowship...my eyes was wet the moment service ended...all the way even on e train i almost broke down and cried...my spirit was grieved...really...

no doubt the hall acoustics wasnt that good, no doubt e sound was used e first time in such a big hall and the curvy roof may have reflected some of e sound and the curtains not enclosing e sound and all...but i believe its not the musicians, its not e sound, its not e lightings, man its not even the pastor!!! but its each and everyone of us that help to contribute and to build the atmosphere..

God was there...but few grabbed Him. God was there, but few looked and sought His face. God was there, but few touched Him...God was there, but few even knew He was there!

one moment it was emerge..the next moment the devil attacked us so easily...WHY? lack of spiritual backbone, lack of spiritual muscle!!! i mean...please the devil has no more weapons!!! all he has is a loud mouth that stinks! we've got to pray and fast like never before...no more 'presence-less' atmospheres...dont be shaken jus bcos of 'someone's' stinking mouth!!!

but i believe todays service was slightly better...cus people prayed when they went home/when service has ended. full capacity and e presence of God may not have started well, but it eventually managed to build up.

at home i was very grieved...i turned on my lappy and watched last wk's emerge online at chc website..i saw e crowd..i felt e tangible presence of God..and i asked myself...what happened???

while i was eating chicken rice at bedok after sat's svc, i started thinking of e110 and w390, and i felt as if the weight and the burden of 2 celgrps began to weigh on my shoulders. the responsibility i had to fulfill. somehow i feel that...our celgrps are breaking apart...i can feel it in e spirit...when i play for cg, i feel it...when im alone...i feel it.

through my ministry ive become so dissolved into both these celgrps. but i know something's not right. and we better do something about it. somehow i feel everyone is in a way or another...like what joshua said...casual to each other....a result of circumstance...'oh! same cg member..hi!'

and yea, congrats Josh! =) the very few people whom im closest to is quincy, joshua, pam, wendy...and of course evan. i dunno if u guys know but i will never forget the time when i was sharing my problems with evan and for the first time in my life...i cried over the phone...

i thank God for people like that. of course on e other hand, i pray that no one will take advantage of each other's kindness as well...duno why i have tt kind of feeling...

anyways...im excited for prayer meeting! finally!

but i long for OPM...^^ i think im gonna go on another 7 day fast...somehow i feel we really need to BREAK THROUGH! its one thing to have a breakthrough, but its another to break through!

PS: i wont be posting e notes..but ill be compiling and the ill upload somewhere where u guys can download e text file from ;)