Irony?

BS was gd today. my throat is slowly clearing up. at least theres lots of phlegm now...better than having dry, painful coughs..at least now i can have fun clearing those phlegm..lol.

i really dunno..

i always appear to be so strong, but deep down im hurt. i always appear to be so happy, but deep down im burdened, i always appear to be so encouraging, but deep down im discouraged, i always appear to be so loving, but deep down im feeling lonely and struggle for the need to be loved and accepted..

i really dont know what im thinkin...ive always loved, encouraged, sacrificed..but deep down, somehow, i have left my own needs unattended..

evan called..i kinda knew what she was gonna say, and i kinda knew who called her for her to call me. for a moment..my smile dissipated..and reality set in. i was deep in thoughts on e train home...as i walked frm e stn home..one drop of tear trickled down my face.

and i asked God a stupid question which e answer was so obvious.."God, do you love me?" (i was holding my tears..)
"of course I love You..I love you no matter what you've done, and even what you are gonna do in the future."

i always tell myself, i have to stand on my own feet, i cannot afford to be helped by people. i have to solve and overcome these problems myself, i can do it. but all this time..i feel so lonely, and so helpless..but i keep on telling myself, i will stand on my own 2 feet.

i jus remembered..70% of all diseases are psyshosomatic. to have 7 diseases at one go...is it because of what im going through? i dun really know. i dunno how to face my parents anymore, i dunno how to face anyone else anymore.

im probably the only one who admires and respects my younger sibling above myself. now i look at him, and im happy for him, he so much better than me in so many ways..God, i just wanna be like You..God, im doing my best..

Is there even one thing that ive done..tt have made You proud?

i just lay on my bed..my pillow and bolster soaked in tears..