9 blows in 24hours, Ahgong, Authority

1. Ahgong left. And I was 10mins late. Just 10mins. Easily cost me a shower, a simple meal. At work, busy, didnt pick up the phone early enough. Devastated. (Suppressed)

2. Someone's attitude towards a dying relative. Frustrated (Suppressed)

3. Someone's "is he dead?" and discipleship in the time of mourning. Revengeful (Suppressed)

4. Couldnt sleep after seeing a dead person with eyes bulging, teeth protruding, jaws gnashing. Tired and drained, 3 hrs sleep.

5. Asked to carry computers up and down. Worn out and sore.

6. Bus 173 took 35-40mins to come. Ultra pissed. (Suppressed)

7. Reading/SMSing someone who upsetted me last night, made me feel discomfort and nausea. Physical discomfort. Tried to be happy, nice and 'holy' to be accepted. (Suppressed)

8. On the train hands started shaking, feet started giving way + slight giddiness. Extreme physical discomfort.

9. Im scared the chest pain and suffocation will come again. Always when Im stressed or suppressing anger..and when Im either resting or sleeping, the attack will come suddenly.

.......

I dont know when Ill just collapse one day. My body feels weird now..tired, exhausted, suppressed, uncomfortable, giddy, nauseous, trembling. And Im smiling haha. Even after taking 9 blows and secretly suppressing everything.

You know I dont lose my temper outwardly, everything is inside.

Being strong, loving others...everytime I make a sacrifice, Im really making a sacrifice. Im damaging my own emotions and physical well being everytime Im strong for someone, everytime I love someone unconditionally. 0 love - 50 love = -50 love, etc...

Yes I have God, but yes I have my humanity.

Im giving something I dont have most of the time. Giving love, when I feel unloved, not spiritually, but physically and emotionally. Being strong for others when Im weak for myself. Each time I sacrifice, I hurt myself.

Ive come to a point where Ive sacrificed so much that when people try to cheer me up or encourage me, Im just unable to feel it, the extent of my giving has outweighed the extent I receive love or encouragement or strength or...quality time.

Im sorry guys, Im trying my best to feel loved or encouraged but everytime, I still feel the extent of my hurt and sacrifice..=/

I guess its not instant, over time, I have left my needs unattended to. Always giving at the expense of myself, never once thinking about myself. Its not just weeks or months, but years.

This year alone, Ive already taken so many blows, and each time I would still love without feeling loved, support without feeling supported.

People are busy and I cant blame them, as such Im always alone, no one to physically talk to.

Even during the passing on, I hugged people and no one hugged me. Im fine, I love giving to others..making them happy makes me happy.

Even on other days, I put my arms round people's shoulders and no one puts his/her arms round mine. I lay hands and pray for people and no one lays hands and prays for me. I wipe people's tears and no one wipes my tears.

I dont know how my next few days will be. Prayer works. Yes Im growing stronger. But my hamanity is starting to show signs of weakness and failure..

Who knows when will be my turn to go. I could just one night have an attack, and poof, gone, smiling on my bed.

But Im really encouraged by ahgong. On his last few days he shared that he saw people in white entering his room while sleeping. He has seen angels. Even I havent. And its comforting to know that when he passed on, when I finally saw him the last time and removed the cloth...

He was looking up and his hands lifted in surrender...

"He who does not take up His cross and follow me, cannot be My disciple..."