Clearing misunderstandings

Things might have been resolved..but deep down. Im not fine.

I felt betrayed by the one person dearest to me. For not telling me some things and leaving me in the dark all by myself. It was 4 against 1.
I just feel it deep down.

When someone gets offended, he/she can run to their click.
For me, I dont have a click.
Or anyone I can turn to for that matter.
I just swallow it myself.

1 person has talked to me.
The other 3 might simply ignore me.
1 or 2 might pretend nothing happened.

He knew, they knew. I was in the dark and i was treated as though I knew that he knew.
When I called you, you treated me like dirt, just waiting to be stepped upon.
Ive been lied to. By the one who said he wasnt informed.

I cannot accept it..and i tried to defend him, but I was wrong. He did know about it, but He made me play his game of hide and seek. Now it seems its 5 against 1. Im losing my trust with the people around me. im losing friends, im losing everything. all because of one lie.

even though he did eventually told me e truth, it was too late.

Mebbe its time I stepped out of people's lives.
Mebbe its time I stopped trying to be a leader because it will never happen.
All these sacrifices are going nowhere.

Im just waiting for the day someone would say to me,
"If you wanna leave, then leave".
Did I hit the nail? I dont know, and I dont care anymore.

If you dont like me, just tell me.
Mebbe I know leon too well, sometimes I feel I belong to his click.
I dont feel close to anyone anymore.

I shall quote from my conversation window.
You can be angry with me for all I care, blame me for intrusion into people's privacy for all I care. Everything was a lie.

I will put down everything that happened on my side of the story..go ahead and hate me all you want. you can also choose not to believe the following:

4:37:18 PM plz tell pam the same thing i just told u to inform liz.

4:37:29 PM EVERYTHING STOPS AT THE 3 OF U K

4:37:46 PM :D

*I continued to explain how I got to know about things and stuff. And started SMSing her e same thing I told lizhen.

4:44:48 PM have to talked to pam regarding what i asked u to??

4:44:57 PM same as liz

4:45:28 PM i need to know who exactly knows abt it and where did she hear it from and ultimately......!!!!! why wasnt i informed

*I dare not call, I SMSed. I got her reply. "alot of people know already, she said so herself"

4:47:44 PM i need to know who exactly knows abt it and where did she hear it from and ultimately......!!!!! why wasnt i informed...............i need to know these things

4:48:12 PM whats the explanation here

4:54:20 PM im waiting for reply

4:54:39 PM plz call her b4 i do

*I knew he was angry I smsed and didnt call. Knowing he was gonna lose it, I called. Instead, i got treated as if i was a demon sent from hell.

5:05:01 PM So how? I called and got a lashing instead =/

5:10:28 PM u did the right thing drew so dun worry...honestly i'm very disappointed...guess to some of my membs it seems that i dun have the RIGHT to be their cgl...i dun think being frustrated is gg to help anymore.

5:10:41 PM i'll look into it personally .... and let Pst know

Hearing him say those things just broke my heart..

right now i dont even care if you think im lying or not. or you could even think i faked those quotes and modified them. you want screenshot i can post it up also if you want. Yes, i was harsh with my posts and with my words.

because all along i believed in a lie. and no one came to tell me the truth. except one person herself. you all think im against it. im not. you all think i despise, i didnt. this is has nothing to do with the issue. this has nothing to do even with the person

i merely said those things was because someone i loved and looked up to, was hurt. and i wanted to defend him. but..it was discovered as a half truth eventually. when Liz sent me the sms at 9.36PM with adam's msg that he already knew 3 wks back O_O.

and some people might think my entire post is directed at one person? come on. you think im really that shallow? i have other people in my life who are more troublesome than you O_O you wanna take my place?

you think you can fellowship with an emo? or sleep in the same room as someone who's been through a mental 'trauma'? id be more than happy for you to take over my responsibility. already i dont despise these people who are different, i can even sleep in e same room as them. would you tell one of them, "come over to my place and stay over, u can sleep in my room."?

i think u would freak out. =.=

you think ill hate one individual just because of something like this? oh man. you are sooo wrong my dear. i dont deal with people. i deal with character flaws. thats all. thats how im able to keep my cool. thats how im able to have the capacity to love people who offend me, to love people who are different.

im not speaking TO the person, im speaking to the spirit BEHIND the person. why do you think im still here even though i feel like changing cg? because e devil is here. and if nobody's gonna go against him or even notice him, i will.

even if it means both my knees are injured as a result, my brother injured also, and its so bad he couldnt attend service this week, and im fortunate enough to be able to walk. why do you think the devil doesnt spare my family? even my own brother whos innocent in all this? thats because im doing my best to piss the devil off.

i look at my own life and even im in shock. the 2 people that responded during service and all are people who are 'unique'. for some reason the people im reaching out to effectively, are not your normal everyday people. i dont know if i have e anointing to reach out to 'special' people or not. but thats whats been happening.

some of u might disagree with me, but i find these people nice to hang out with and i can click with them. yea, go ahead and vomit. ^.O

i hope all ur misunderstandings are resolved. if you wanna cling on to them, then i have nothing to say. i was obedient, i said the truth. and thats all i can do. anyway, me and her its cleared. this post is for those who might think im holding onto a silly grudge or something.

PS: i didnt create a LJ blog to hide things from you. i just created it because someone different is paranoid over some things and he sneaks to me blog often to see if i mention his name, esp when he's under 'special medication'. he thinks im gonna tell e whole world about it. i couldnt sleep well that night. i think ull also know who. i was like praying in tongues underneath my blanket la.

yes, i was freaked out. you have no idea how scary it was. to realise u have missing files/smses/histories/data from your laptop and from your handphone while you were sleeping. and when suddenly someone becomes panicky and starts talking to you.

imagine at night, ure alone in a room with someone 'special'..and u thought he had slept. cus a person was lying on the make-shift bed next to urs..behind my chair.

and the lights off..and all of a sudden u see a figure standing right next to you breathing right into your face! DONT TELL ME YOU WONT FREAK OUT! and that figure stood facing his head towards ur laptop screen and looked as if you are trying to reveal things and wanted to make sure u dont even when u had no intention to! and he knows ur blog, email, friendster what not.

you think im exaggerating? no. thats basically what happened. im not even gonna go into e details before i freak some of u out and u dare not sleep tonight.