Celgrp @ Rhonda's, Trauma

I know the video link doesnt work..so here's the full URL:

http://www.veoh.com/videos/v1386207y6Zea28E?searchId=7204822006318718731&rank=8

Today was a disaster for me. not only did i leave my keys outside my house. i was late for cg for the FIRST TIME in a long long time! :(

i didnt realise my keys went missing until i reached home and wanted to get my guitar and print my chords. then waited for parents to come home. mum told me dad is coming back. when i called dad, he said mum's coming back.

im already stressed and tired enough. i was dozing off at the void deck, i was dozing off at the bus stop, i was dozing off STANDING on the train! and i was fasting mind you. im hungry, im tired..my flesh is screaming out!

and so..when mum came back, i went into the house. she said, she noticed someone was in the house, drank the whole carton of milk and someone used the shower..and i noticed my bro's wallet was missing, but later found it in his room.

freaky? yes. i was told later that it was dad who entered the house, and he got my house keys. so he found it. somehow i get the feeling everyone is pulling some frigging halloween prank on me or something..

when im late for celgrp, its not a prank! when im late and pastor is already there! is NO LAUGHING MATTER! to make pastor wait for me, makes me suicidal! and if the pastor is a guy, its not so bad..to make pastor audrey and the whole cg wait for me is so demoralising..

if its really a prank, at least be more edifying! if its not..then i have nothing to say. took cab..the uncle drove e wrong way.

"err, uncle, bukit batok MRT.."
*10-15minutes later...
"sorry ah, the driving center is at bukit gombak right?"
*driving center? im talking about an MRT station. *no link.
"er no..the one at bukit batok is westmall..the driving center is further up.."
"oh..okay."

okay, lets pause for a moment. when you tell the driver Jurong Point and he thinks its at Jurong East interchange or lakeside, its fine. but i told him an MRT station, then he mentions a building..err..hello..? no link. an MRT station is fixed right? its standard. at least follow the MRT tracks, i dont mind.

now, dont get me wrong, he was really a nice guy to talk to..very friendly. but maybe i was simply in the wrong mood. i was thinking that way, but thank God i watched my mouth. murder is what you say.

i know of people who murder people with their tongue and with their attitudes. im talking about MURDER!!! yes..MURDER!!! you got attend sermon on the mount or not!?! i think u must have attended sermon in the cave SITC. yea..whatever..that was crap lol.

i was really tired and worn out..i couldnt bother. deep down i told myself, if this driver kidnaps me and brings me to a isolated warehouse i wouldnt do a thing to defend myself, just let it happen..=/

and so..i reached rhonda's house late and didnt practice at all. maybe just tab one song yesterday. but thats about it. no warmups, no practice..just play. at first i thought i played the praise wrongly..then i realised not many people know the song, cus we sang it back in jurong west..so okay can understand..

and i think i played a little fast. and for worship..it was too high..some ppl cant reach, and when rhonda lost her voice all of a sudden..that was it..i wanted to throw my guitar away and just go home and disappear..

i was broken and emotionally devastated..it was like trauma, what else could go wrong!?! then i remembered, ps mike said traumatic experiences open the doorway for demonic intervention/possession.

i wanted to cry, but i couldnt..im glad some people felt e presence of God..but deep down, i couldnt feel God anymore..:( at least for that meeting. i was dozing off during the preaching. but i did pay attention!

i called adam and i was almost in tears..i wanted to give up, i mean..rhonda was patient with me, she was understanding, she showed love and compassion when she realised i was in trouble..she even made that gift for me..yet all i did was make her lose her voice. you know how painful that felt? as a friend i felt ive let her down, ive let everyone down..ive let pastor down..

maybe im a lousy friend myself..boring and unprofessional..i cried out to God..God..why did you choose me? why not choose someone who can play better? why not choose someone who's more talented? why not choose someone whos more fun than me? why choose me among everyone else? God..what makes me so special? God, i wanna know..:'(

God, I love you. God, the little i have..i give everything to you..take all of me, in exchange for all of You..:'(

im doing my best..and this had to happen. maybe im not cut out to be a guitarist..im so tired, im so worn out..i cant continue like this..and this sunday im doing stage. oh God! :(

i hope tomorrow will be better..