Update

note that i dun wanna mention abt a friend of mine, not because im against or i hate the person. i have never hated e person. i dont hate anyone for that matter. if what im saying is hurting u, then its best i dont say it. because like ive said, i dont want to hurt anyone. why there are times im quiet?

not because im weird. not because im fake. but because if i were to say something..someone might get offended. so id rather not say anything than to say something stupid. and u know me, if someone is hurt, ill go into depression. i can get out in 24hrs but e person might not be able to handle it.

you are still my friend, and i still love you despite our differences. but like ps said, why gain the whole world and lose ur own soul? im sorry i failed to make u happy. even though i smiled when i didnt feel like..even though i sacrificed until i have nothing left..

i have given u my all..and if thats not enough, im sorry i cant do anything more. i have nothing left. if u feel that im nothing but trouble. tell me. im willing to be hurt by you than for you to be hurt by me. i dont want to hurt anymore. u think i enjoy it? no. im broken, when ure hurt. im broken when ure not happy. im hurt, both ways.

if u can find someone better than me..im fine with it. as long as ure happy. thats all that matters. id rather suffer to make u happy than to be happy when ure down. i dont mind being a punching bag. because i know i can take it..always have..always will.

the greatest hurt is not the regret of hurting someone..but the knowing that someone is 'accidentally' hurt when u have NO INTENTION at all. yes, im going down again..and im not going to take anyone down with me. ill just go down alone..

im sorry i failed as a friend. as a brother. i dont really bother anymore..im not going to defend myself anymore. especially when ure the ONLY person who feels hurt by me in 10 years.

everytime when sch ends and i see: why u nv reply me???
everytime my quiet time ends and i see: why u nv reply me???
u know how hurting it is? in one second! the presence of God leaves..the joy leaves..
its like i didnt mean to..but im made as if u INTENDED to..

how do i reply? i cant reply. everytime i see those smses..it breaks me. because i didnt intend to NOT reply. and it sounds as if i didnt WANT to reply. and the person insists, 100% confirm, FEELS that i didnt want to reply. what can i do?

yet, i pick up my pieces and still smile. then it breaks again..everyday, one by one..im broken and pieced, broken and pieced together. everytime the fragments gets smaller and smaller..and there will come a point when one day, i can never be pieced together again..

spiritual murder? ive been murdered many times..did i retaliate? no. i just let them hurt me. like Jesus being led to the Cross..He didnt say a single word. He willingly went the extra mile.

i wanna be like Him..to pick up my cross daily and follow Him. just like how He laid down His life for His friends. i wanna do the same.

God, give me greater capacity..its not just my friend. i wanna increase in every aspect to be an example in the celgrp as well. that im not someone who just talk the talk, i wanna walk the walk. people are looking at me..there are those who look up to me.

and when they need me. i will be there. ill do my best. even if i fail, i learn and become better. im afraid to fail. its better to fail now than to fail for all eternity.

i just wanna thank 5 people in my life.

thank you God, for being there for me. for being my strength and hope. for being everything to me. and thank you Adam, Pam, trish, Timo..for being people who live by example. sometimes when u tell me, that ure blessed because of me, i feel that without you, i wouldnt be where i am.

yes there are times of breaking, but unless the bottle is broken, the fragrance of Christ cannot flow. Adam's been someone whos not afraid to offend and confront my mistakes. and i treasure every moment of breaking..haha. even though im a cgguitarist, even though i can bring down e presence of God..

but i always tell myself, that its never me, its God. im just an instrument. and im gonna be honest about this. there's always something i can learn from u guys. i may be 'strong' in some areas, but in those areas im weak at, i can learn from u guys. just like Jacob. i wanna have what u have..

adam, i wanna have ur boldness. pam, i wanna have a pure heart, a heart of flesh a heart that's bigger. and timo, a commitment to each other. no doubt i can say im committed in some ways, but i can always be better. i will never say: see? i got a cg position, all u are below me..NO. never..im always at the bottom, just doing my part to make the celgrp work.

and trish..i want your 'unbreakable'ness..haha..

and i believe, as we covet each other's gifts (e bible says covet spiritual gifts)..we will see the greatest revival, this celgrp has ever seen! =))

i like what Dr Peter Wagner said, its one thing to be kingdom-minded, its another thing to be kingdom-motivated. and more than just being discipled, we need to be EQUIPPED. and the only way to be fully equipped, its to learn from people around me. every celgrp member has a gift i dont have..i can always learn something from everyone..even the newest member..

not because im greedy or perfectionist..but because im hungry for more of God..im thirsting for a revival. i wanna be like Shamgar, one man..can make a difference! but together, we can take the marketplace! XD