Bad day

dozed off last night. woke up 7am. had time to go for exam, searched for calculator..couldnt find. thought a lot. 2 mths nv attend lesson. thought abt exam. yes, i know the result. thought some more. its not going to make any difference. came to conclusion. i stayed home.

called xxx to cancel my insurance subscription. running empty. i cant continue. replied: i check for u. u might not get your money back! 3 months. $xxx might be gone forever. it was impromptu. exceeded trial period. that's prob my last few savings before i become bankrupt at the age of 19.

thought of the time i gave $xxxx. it was 18 years of my life. i gave. thought of the time i gave another $xxxx. again it hurt. i told God..even if i were to get nothing in return, id still pour my life to you. now its on the verge of becoming empty. AnB fund, 3 more months to go.

sometimes i wonder to myself, is this the limit of my love for God? that i can no longer give him anything. not results, not souls, not my life, not even finances. have i come to a point in this love relationship that i have given everything, in exchange for all of Him? is love really that powerful? is my commitment and loyalty to a relationship so strong?

thinks about the future. one day ill prob get married. is this the extent of my sacrifical unconditional love? or will it be stronger? my level of commitment and loyalty..have been tested. is there anyway for it to grow stronger? my love, my commitment, my heart, my life, all for a Person i loved, have taken me to my limits, my fullest potential.

my love for Adam next, as a close friend, he as my leader. ive always been pouring out my life. for God, for the church, for my members, for my leader. love that surpasses all understanding. as a love gift for Adam..is there a limit to how much my love can go. as high as the heavens? as deep as the ocean? as wide as the earth?

God whispered to me, "Andrew, pull yourself together.." i really dont know how. im at my limit, im almost empty..yet my love for You burns so strongly. a passion of fire, that's never ending. fell into slight depression earlier..i lay on my bed in thoughts. all my problems ive bottled, all the pains ive endured. as a guy, is this my limit? am i finally at my breaking point?

my pillow wet in tears. one hour passed. one and a half hours passed. i cried myself to sleep. even now my eye sores. as a guy, is this the limit of my strength? is this the limit of my heart? that ive been trying my best to be strong..1 year, 2 yrs, 3yrs, 4yrs, 5yrs..losing count. people share problems, ive been there despite my situation.

have i ever at one point in time, lose my smile? even when people's problems at times clashed with mine emotionally..i tried my best to bring a smile to people's faces. am i finally at a point where i can no longer bring a smile to the people i love?

2 more papers to go..i cant study anymore. problems piling..yet i dont wanna share. i told myself, i can handle it. i have to be strong. yet how much more can i endure? once again i thought of those words Adam spoke. tears streamed down my face. yes, ive always been there. how long more will i be?