Deep in thoughts

service was indeed awesome today, though i was trying really hard to feel e presence of God during the 'chinese' PnW. singing in chinese is machiam interpreting tongues like that..O.O

well..one word that will stick in my head for eternity would be the word 'programming'. of all things ps had to mention programming ._.

but i feel its good. if my vocation is my nightmare, and if im gonna have to live eternity with it, im willing to do that.

someone once told me..."andrew, i can never know you, u noe?"

well..what could i say..many things have happened over time. i know i shld move on. and im not afraid to say that i am. there are some things that can never change..because it is the result of an effect of a circumstance.

i wonder when will i be able to open up again. ive not been sharing my problems with anyone anymore. perhaps im afraid to get hurt again, OR..i just dont feel like. if u think all i am thinking i blog it down..think again.

nowadays i dont even blog, and even if i did. its just a fraction of what's really going on.

sometimes its just better to keep my mouth shut. when was the last time i encouraged someone? what was the last time i praised someone? when was the last time i carried someone else's problems and lighten their load? i can hardly remember.

yesterday during my QT i had a song in mind. immediately when i got e song in e spirit, i went to my lappy to record e tune and attempted to type out e lyrics. that was when i lost my 'zone', and became more focused on e song than on God.

hmm, its been almost a year since i wrote a song, oh in case u didnt know..i did. but i only sent it to those who are close to me.

im getting older, im maturing too fast...im losing my youthful energy. everyday of my life is nothing but programming. ive been programmed by programming to program programming.

and whats with e new friendster layout man. its worse than my programming x_x. *looks for a feedback button..

just now on e train i dunno how, but suddenly i started talking to tim abt male ego. the refusal to be dependent, the refusal to fail, the refusal to be in a state where 'i need help'. to a guy, if we fall into any of tt category, to us, we are not fit to be a guy. as simple as that.

tts prob why i decided to close myself up. as long as i cant live life on my own, to 'male ago', u failed as a guy. deep down i told myself, i dont need help, i can do it on my own (with God), i dont need encouragement, i dont need affirmation, i dont need assistance, i am who i am, if i cant live on my own, i failed...