merry xmas to all

first of all..merry xmas eve to all..cus its a few min away from midnight..

okay, on the other hand..wishing all merry xmas instead! lol..

svces have been great so far..e drama keeps getting better and better, every service, every year! XD have i blogged abt cg xmas fiesta yet? i also cant rem..im getting old..=/

it was gd..one of e games i remembered very vividly was the last one..e ppl were supposed to guess what action i was doing based on a storyline..it was a group sabo actually cus we lost. and e floor was supposed to guess. then huixin one of the gamemasters (with pohchoo), suddenly shouted out my answer. i was supposed to make it in such a way tt if i could get pass 5 turns and having e floor not being able to guess mine..im 'released'..but noooo, i was shot at the face T_T

after games was dinner and as usual, the food there is e best. thanks to lizhen also ^^

then came the gift exchange. im glad Thomas liked e gift XD when i bought it for him, i was thinking to myself. man, i could have kept it for myself..even wayne was eyeing it..but thats what love and sacrifice is all about. and i attached a cute little xmas note onto the gift inside e wrapping :D

(since when i became like that? haha..i guess its true that hardships make one mature faster :x)

oh wells, on friday i didnt get a gift during gift exchange. cus my 'mystery' angel wasnt there. nv heard from him/her. oh wells. im happy just to be the child of christmas' birthday boy, birthday Savior in this case, Jesus :D

its in tough times..that i either make or break. and i must say ive broken more. during these tough times, i was alone. it was just me and God. and during these times, within a short period of time..ive grown so fast and changed so much. guess the old Andrew is gone. i can never bring him back again..

am i better or worse? i think worse. guess i can forget abt my past and move on..forget those times i was that sweet little innocent guy that everybody loves. cus now ITS DIFFERENT! im no longer myself for goodness sake! u want the old me back? DREAM ON..ya im still the same person so what..i dont care..neither do u either!

i also dunno who im talking to..i tink im insane. no wait, ive always been insane..o.O

isnt that like so totally kewl?? -.-"

today as i was on my way home..i started becoming teary again. i dont know if it was e presence of God from the CD or its just me. i had a lot of things runnin through my mind. for e past few days, whenever im on my way home, ill tend to become teary..

im afraid one day i might just break down and cry all of a sudden in public.

then just now as i walked home..my first tear trickled down my face as i stepped into e lift. i dont know why, but i just felt like crying at that moment. for what? i also didnt know. mus be the overflowing accumulated emotion trapped inside..=/

im losing myself, im becoming more random every single day. im unpredictable. i mean, who will hang out with a person like that? i dont think anyone would. im just another thing that blends into e wallpaper.

i hate it. why must i have a piece of shit called 'male ego'..why?? why why u tell me why??? the inability to accept the revelation of one's weakness to another individual. why must i have this shit?? WHY??? goddamnit!!! its like a curse to me for crying out loud. everytime i show myself weak, to me, im as good as nothing, as dead. especially in front of others. i just cant accept it.

thats prob why i isolate myself. to me, i cant stand it when i share my problems, i just cant..this shitty male ego is stopping me! DAMN YOU! whenever i share/admit a problem, i go into depression for a short time. i have this wall so high and so thick, and multilayered that it takes literally more than a year to befriend me again..or something like that.

if ure a guy, im sure u know what i mean. then again f*ck it, i cant stand it. why am i even blogging about this shit??? for those i share my problems too, ive shown myself weak, you can forget about having me as your friend because i will never be who you want me to me!

okay, MAYBE maaaaaybe theres still a small trace of the Andrew that I onced used to be, somewhere inside. but its probably hidden and buried sooo deep that you'll never find it, and prob no one will..:S

i wanna be alone..