Easter Services, a very different experience.

easter weekend was really different for me. first of all, the drama was good. added pyrotechnics and the 'raining' stage equipment that creates rain on the stage...pretty cool. for all u drama ppl, singers and dancers as well as backstage people...great job! =) *applause

indeed every year we are moving from glory to glory :D for both days, ps kong preached a different sermon and its really good to see hundreds, mebbe even thousands responding each service during the altar call.

DAY 01

during that day hall 7 was having some indian sale thingy...se we had to queue at hall9. and man, the queue was loooong, it literally filled half of hall 9! there was so much excitement, so much frens...

went for s1 and s2...s1 i was alone. with E406. they had 2 rows of people and during the altar call, 1 row plus plus was empty! i was like...OMG! praise God man..then i looked at myself...and my expression changed.

b4 svc tricia passed me her bag and asked me help her book a seat, cus she'll be singing. and she told me tt she'll be comin back to sit. and so i kept a seat empty at e cost of inquiring ushers, even after service started. then PnW ended. she wasnt back. seat still empty. pastor kong came up on stage. and he was staring at me and the empty seat next to me...!!!

service 2 similar things happened...basically every service (4 services) e406 had frens that responded i suppose...and each time i sat there alone..i felt even more alone. i came to a very sad conclusion...and so the rest is inevitable.

after service 2, i already had no mood to eat. but seeing wesley and eljin(or elgin) wanting to get a hotdog bun from foyer 3, i followed them and got one myself.

on e train ride heading to e west, halfway i decided to join pam, huixin and JS to makansutra at esplanade, since i didnt think i could sleep well that night. although i was tired and self-persecuted, but i managed to enjoy myself that night. was helping them to finish the carrot cake...when the thoughts came in again and i felt full, and lost my appetite.

its already 11.40pm by e time we reached there. its pretty interesting to see JS create his 'ultimate wife' out of prawn shells, limes, dead leaves, lime seeds and prawn feelers..lol. and the spring onion 'fragrant roar' that finally managed to make me laugh...

well, not for long...i felt really down again. was wondering where i could find an atm so tt i could take a cab home later. as it got later i felt even more down, so i asked pam if she wanted to share cab. then we were okay. since there wasnt any atm at sight at tt point in time, its really nice of pam to call her mum to come down when she alights so tt i could borrow some cash.

(cus i normally give multiple offerings for multiple services..)

i didnt mind at first, but as my thoughts just surrounded my mind. i felt even more bad and down, having to borrow cash...but praise God i didnt have to bother about atm as there was a night-rider 174m bus to take me home. although i didnt know where blk 669 was, i could tell it was pretty near to my hse, so by faith not knowing where to stop, i jus boarded e bus. while huixin and JS took their respective NR rides, and pam, her cab, home.

reached home at 330am.

DAY 02

was worse! by e time i reached home e day before, i already felt like not coming for service anyway. i felt really bad and selfish and told myself i shouldnt come today. but bcos aini and JS were attending i decided to come all the way from boonlay, a 1.5hour ride after waking up at 9am in the morning, to help them queue and if possible help e110 as well, cus e406 was inside and i suppose empty seats are evident during altar call...

guess what? e day b4 frens flew away, and today...everyone else in the cg flew away! wesley told me e night before tt his fren couldnt make it, so i can understand. pam working, can understand, but one thing i dont understand, our celgrp was officially assigned to 2 services as our anchoring services...s2 and s4. and for s4...surprisingly no one turned up!

i wasnt really emotionally healed at tt time, then i looked at e406 again, then i looked at myself, then i looked at my cg members. i fell even deeper. my heart felt like 6 feet below the ground and i almost teared. but i held them back.

as service ended, for the first time, i rushed home. i passed e recep, but i didnt couldnt bring myself to face evan...the wound was bigger now.

for 2 days ive been holding my hurts back. then as i came home today...i couldnt hold them any longer and i broke down in front of God in my own room. im starting to wonder if my sacrifices were worth nothing all these while...during service i called aini, no response, called JS, no response, called aini again, no response, called js again, no response...called wendy instead, and guess what, she picked up...'oh im with aini and js and we're outside...oh we are not attending service...' *applause!

also b4 that, called huixin 2 times, also no response.

THOUGHTS

ever since that day in sound ministry when Joyce spoke to me, and those words keep ringing in my head and in my spirit.."you will be a leader of 5 celgrps''...i looked at myself at my current state...i almost broke down.

how to be leader of 5 celgrps when i cant even.....

then i remembered one of the online sermons tt i viewed days before, ''the reason why God doesnt show you your exact future is yet...its because when He shows you your future, you'll be afraid because you will be doing such great things that when you look at it, you'll wonder how you're gonna get there.''

as i was in my own room feeling at my lowest...when everyone i loved seemed to vanish before my eyes...i remembered the time i broke down on e phone when i discussed my problems with evan and she was there for me.

and this week during cg i hope i wont affect the atmosphere during praise n worship...im gonna do something about it and i dont care if i please man or not, im just gonna please God!