End of me...Beginning of God...

something crazy happened yesterdae. i still get the shivers whenever i think of it. sometimes people dont see what you are going through that only God can see and understand. and ull feel as if, your whole world is collapsing and it seems that whatever you are giving, you are losing.

thats jus one of the things i experienced yesterdae, the sense of loss, that everything is being taken away from me. sometimes people just look at the outward and become quick to judge. and indeed words either bring life or bring death to a person.

for yesterday's case, it brought total death and total loss for me. it destroyed my hopes, destroyed my visions, and destroyed what i had left. and its not the first time. and it seemed as if i was outnumbered yesterday. so i refused to fight. and it became worse. i felt so much loss, so much depression, that i began to plunge deep deep deep down...

well, God bless those people. i wont give names. dun worry, even if its e people closest to me who pushed me over the cliff, i wont blame you because i will still love you. just as God loved me. love is not just loving a person just because he/she's good, but loving unconditionally. so many times we break God's heart, yet he's always quick to forgive. i thank God for increasing my capacity. to love people even when it feels as if its not worth it. and i thank God that im able to do that.

after that conversation which i refused to answer, i just shut off my MSN. and i began to cry in my room. i began to cry out to God. it felt like Jesus in Gethsemane. and i kept on thinking about it, and i plunged even deeper. until i couldnt take it anymore, i went into a realm of no return, i went ahead of God and i plunged into enemy territory.

as i crossed the line into darkness, immediately something changed in me. i stopped crying all of a sudden. and anger and revenge filled me. i had thoughts of having revenge on the devil for destroying my life. i attempted to take on the devil one on one. it felt as if there an aura around me. and that aura made me feel good, it made me feel its ok - no one can offend me anymore, it felt as if im unstoppable, all-powerful, it felt GREAT!

it felt as if, im finally a MAN! strong! and undefeatable! and i dun seem to be offended anymore. the kind, soft, understanding andrew was no more and i become an image of my past. i mutated into one of them. and no doubt it felt great, and i continued to seek the devil out in his territory and seek to destroy him. i had such unnatural boldness and courage. unfortunately that feeling was leading me further and further away into the Unknown.

soon i felt as if i was sooo close in getting the devil, it was when God came to my rescue. and Holy Spirit began to shout from the depths of my spirit. "Andrew...turn back now! before its too late...!" i was so broken i replied without tears, i replied smiling and laughing, "forgive me Lord..ive got nothing left, so why not give him what ive got".

it seemed as if God felt that He didnt get through to me, so He said the same thing this time through liwen. who was chatting with on MSN back. and Liwen said the EXACT SAME THINGS that God was trying to shout out to me. and something hit me, i felt even more rage, more revenge, but deep down i know this has to stop. so i stopped and turned back for a moment. one side, e devil says "come to me, bring it on", e other side says, "come back Andrew"...

i sooo much wanted to prove myself, to prove that im strong. and pride overwhelmed me and i was stuck between the light and darkness. i thought about the things that person said to me and i looked at the devil.."i can make you whole, you dun have to be ridiculed anymore!", then i thought of what God said "andrew, i can understand." and i had to make a choice. and i chose God. i turned to God and started walking in His direction.

i can hear the devil shouting, "what are you doing? dont make a fool of yourself. what has God done for you?? what have your brothers and sisters given to you? i can make you strong, i can make you complete, why go back and be ridiculed and criticised when you can be invincible and strong!?!?! come back!!!" and i told the devil straight in his face, "id rather be a fool for Christ than a fool for a fool like you!" i wanted to say the f-word to satan, but God shut my mouth.

i was back with God. but i was still feeling the after-effects of stepping into enemy territory. i came back to God a wounded soldier. and i felt this sense of heaviness and pain in my chest, as if my chest was tied to a stone. it felt uncomfortable. and i couldnt seem to cry anymore, i had become to hard, to tough, too unbreakable. and only God could break me.

and i really thank God for people like Liwen and Joyce (frm my ministry). for people that have gone thru what i went thru to be there with me in times of crisis. and joyce said the very things that were on my heart, she revealed the secrets in my spirit that only me and God knew. i was like...HOW YOU KNOW?? that kind of feeling. and i felt God speaking through her.

and one of the things she said finally broke the hardness in me: (these things only me and God konws, no one else..until God spoke)

1. when you feel like doing something that is beyond your means, always ask God if it's what He wants. always know that He'll not make you go through things that you can't handle. it's not wrong to be hungry for God's words.

2. and also not wrong to have passion for saving souls...

3. but always remember, dun go to a point where you win the world but lose your soul...

4. you have not lost anything... but you are gaining something more worthy than money...and that is dependence on God...

i felt a break in the stone on my chest and i was back regained my spiritual consciousness. thank you Joyce and liwen for obeying the Lord. ;) indeed...God understands. God told me yesterday "its ok when people dont understand, because i have walked with You and i know You. i know the sacrifice you have given and i will not forget you. even when the people closest to you fail you, you know I will never fail you, because i love you and i understand...."

durin my QT after dat, i went back to God with that injury. and as i fell prostrate before God, which is the deepest form of worship, it became a sacrifice of worship and of praise. the presence of God came into my room and turned my room into the Holy of Holies. and FIRE came on me, i felt my whole body burning, burning, burning, i told God, "what is happening, its so hot.." yet i wasnt perspiring, it was a supernatural, tangible fire.

and i felt it burning and melting away the stone in my chest. i felt a sense of release, as i was feeling hot all over, i felt God's hand like electricity, and he held on to my right palm and we joined hands as i felt hot all over, as i felt the fire of God! what an experience it was. you dont need deliverance from mike connell, you can deliver yourself when you're repentant, when you earnestly seek for it. and you begin to allow God to have liberty to do what He wants.

i heard God say, "luckily you didnt go too far into the Unknown". from dat moment on, i choose not to fight and defend myself anymore. instead of fighting the devil i chose to laugh at him instead. "you want me? you have to go through Daddy!"

indeed true friends are there not just in the midst of joy, but when you're goin thru hell, they are there for you. ;) i admit, ive never heard God speak to me more tangibly than yesterdae. through 2 different people. first by speaking into my spirit then supernaturally saying the same things through people and mind you...it was the EXACT SAME THINGS! praise God ^^

i mean a lot to God...if not He wouldnt have shouted