Realizations of Relationships in 2009 (Long Post)

I had a desire to find the right girl back in 2009, and so, in the beginning of the year, I had that vision, but I wasnt sure if it was from God, or was it my own vision.

Along the way, God whispered to me, that He feels Im not ready for it. And so, Ill be like.."Oh, okay, anything You say."

But surprisingly, along the way, I had a crush on this girl.

We knew each other for more than 4 years already, we were close like siblings and buddies, and its weird, because, being so close to her, like a childhood friend, its pretty hard and rare to have that kind of chemistry. Its like, you already know each other 'too well'.

You dont fall in love with your sibling right? Yea, you get my point lol.

And when I fell in love, I thought that year (2009) was THE year for me. And me falling in love, was already a great sign that God has begun to do a work, it was the start of greater things to come...

But God spoke to me, 'now is not the time'. So I made a decision, to give up that dream, without giving up on that friendship. I still treasured the person, but I just didnt want to have that 'chemistry'.

Most guys, when encountered by this situation, theyll seek a break up...and by that, it means, a TOTAL break up. That means, they wont even be friends! But of course, in the Kingdom of God, that is now how we work.

He who wins souls (friends) is wise! We love unconditionally, we sacrifice, we give, we serve others, etc.

So for a period of last year, it was emotionally painful for me, having to 'separate' that chemistry and cut it so CLEANLY, that it doesnt affect our friendship. By the grace of God, it worked. And we were still good friends, hung out once in awhile, and yet, I no longer have that 'falling in love' feeling. :)

Most people, by hanging out with an 'ex-crush', they tend to compromise and fall back in love, but by God's strength, that is not so for me. I developed the capacity to place what is right, over what is good. Saying no, even to someone that means so much to me.

Its so funny of God because, He gives you a vision, yet along the way, He gives you an encounter that makes you feel you have arrived, but then, even though it was a 'fulfillment', God made it a 'wrong fulfillment'. Haha.

Yes, I almost entered a relationship (goal settled), but yet it was the wrong person, wrong time. (goal ended up didnt work). Its like God taking me on a roller coaster ride. :x lol.

Sometimes, our friends can become so close, they're on par with God Himself. God and friends, they become interchangeable. But lets not be like that. God is a jealous God, and He turns away from the one who chooses his/her own path.

The same way I felt, was the same way He felt.

That is why we got to build our relationship with God! That even as close friends, they still cannot be compared with God Himself!

Worship is not putting God first,
Worship is putting God ONLY.

And so, the past 2 months, me and her have been 'companions'. We would just meet up occasionally just to have a meal, to chat and to just be crappy and all. Still no chemistry haha. Ive outgrown that stage, my capacity has been enlarged and thank God for that. :)

But its just that after 2-3 months of sacrificing my TIME, Im starting to become tired and weary. God, in a way, gave me a preview of what its like to commit to a relationship.

You all know, I love computer games. I love spending solitude time now and then. I love the comfort of my home, etc. Yet though we enjoy each other's company, I was feeling a little tired, even as normal friends, dont even talk about being attached.

Its just the pain of forsaking my freedom as a 'bachelor', or a single person, that I cant deal with.

There were things I were still holding on to, such as my time for games, L4D, guitar, etc. I wanted a relationship at the start of this year, but thats not the case now.

More than just the things Im still holding on to, Ive learnt that this is not my time yet. Why?

God brought to remembrance, what He whispered the beginning of last year, "Hey, I think you're not ready yet..." (Its just a small whisper).

I have no problems giving, serving or even sacrificing my finances, my energy, my time. In fact, I LOVE to give. No doubt I had the gift of giving and the capacity to serve, I lacked the endurance capability.

Yes, I can sacrifice, I can give, I can serve and do all these easily, but Im not able to last even 3 months, doing it consecutively, once every week! Just imagine, I only spend time with her once a week, and Im already so drained. :S No wonder God said I wasnt ready.

And to make things even clearer, He knew I did not have the endurance, so what did He do to develop that endurance in me? Though the hardships I went through in 2009.

The commitment to cg, to church, to family, to NS, to the 'hospital' and to ministry. :O And I began to go, 'WOW! I never saw it..'. But yea, right now, I just allow God room to change me, to lead me and to guide me in this area. If it comes, it comes, if it doesnt, its okay. Haha.

Ive learnt not to be a smart alec.
And you should not be one either!

The wisdom of man is already foolishness to God, then to challenge Him and think your way is the best, its like being the greatest fool!

If God whispers and you cant hear,
Then be careful,
God is preparing to 'show you the point' and 'teach you the lesson', through a painful experience.

If you dont obey His voice, you will eventually obey His hand. :) Haha. Be wise, dont wait till God have to discipline you in order for you to understand! Be a spiritual ADULT.

A mature person is not just one who can take charge,
But one who is able to be led by the Spirit.

Today...

Are you led by God?
Or are you led by yourself?

If you cant be led by God,
Then it just shows you're not really following Him.
He's not really your God.
Because if He's not your Lord of ALL, He's not your LORD at all!