Service and CG, Randoms

Service was good. The whole concept of sonship really blessed me.

Dont just be a believer, dont just be a member, be a disciple, be a son and a daughter of the house. There are so many people that come and go, they think church is a hongkong cafe where its all about 'them' and 'their' needs, etc.

Every week I see the same people wondering in church. When are they gonna get rooted into a celgrp? When are they gonna start serving in a ministry or even sign up for BS classes and be involved in what the church is doing?

Ultimately the church is gonna progress even further and these people are just gonna be left behind. They find discipleship too hard, everything hard, boring, tiring and stressful.

CG was okay. It wasnt at the 'high' today but Im still blessed.

Its been more than 2 weeks without my parents around already. And fellowship, for me, has either been null or slipshort.

I feel we should try to be back in those days where fellowship was bigger, with more people. But being small has its advantages too so yea.

2 hours more to book in. Somehow I feel Ive never booked out. Im lonely, slightly depressed and even more so..stressed, cause tmr is my scenario test. And honestly, Im not expecting to pass it. But thank God if I do.

It doesnt necessarily entitle me for a recourse, it just affects my posting thats all. And Ive always wanted an office posting, where I can go home everyday. Im not a people person, and I cant give an angry face or produce a stern tone with my voice..which some scenario requires.

Things might get out of hand, where Im afraid I cant take the stress and I start whacking all the role-players who wanna make my life difficult and cause myself to fail immediately due to poor police conduct lol. Afterall, I dont really like or respect anyone inside, I dont like mingling with people.

Yes, for some reason, Ive become more anti-social. =/ Its harder now for me to open up.

Havent been having good sleep lately. At home and even in camp. Ill lie on my bed, and stone until Im tired or worn out enough to sleep and then automatically waking up early the next day, and unable to go back to sleep.

I dont know if its fatigue or the start of insomnia. Losing my appetite also.

Whenever I see people with their friends, partners, or clicks, most of the time, Ill be walking past alone. Deep down, I really long for someone whom I can talk to, someone whom I can pour out my heart to.

Yea yea, people tell me, share with God and all that. But come on, Im still human, I have my own personal/social needs to, Ive never put aside my humanity.

Everyone talks to at least one person a day, not for me, except weekends. Talk as in, really quality, heart to heart talk, not those hi and bye kind. O_O

When Im excited, I cant find anyone to express my joy to. When Im depressed, I cant find anyone to express my sorrows to. Slowly, day by day, Im becoming more and more emotionally shutdown, burrying every emotion deep down, because...who will even bother to listen or share them with me?

God's the only one who's...

never failed to be there,
never failed to listen,
never failed to encourage,
never failed to comfort,
never failed to be interested,
never failed to love,
never failed to lift up,
never failed to push,
never failed to be a true friend.

Im not saying that there arent any nice people out there. There are. But we are all imperfect, we all have our lives to live. But still, if I could lay down my life for others, I dont see why its so difficult to find even ONE who shares the same mindset and the same joy and motivation..

In most conversations, whether on msn, sms, phone or real life, most of the time, Im the one saying the last words and then the reply never comes, making me feel like Ive been talking to a wall. Yet I kept on giving, I kept on sharing, I kept on loving and kept on keeping on..

Is my english really very complicated that you cant understand or are you afraid of me or something? I really dont get it. Okay, pardon the sidetrack, I really have nothing to blog about..just passing time, getting my mind distracted from my book in..=/

Sometimes..all I need is a distraction, a diversion, someone whos able to be there to prevent me from thinking the wrong and dirty thoughts every single day. But nooo. I have to endure, lie there by myself and listen to guys having orgasms and all that crap, for the whole day, for my whole BMT.

Its like I have to save myself everytime there's an incident of sex/pornographic related topics/discussion. Already, Im socially deprived. So what to do? I just tag along with the topics, at least I dont lose my sanity, at least I dont feel even more depressed cus I have no one to talk to..

After awhile, it becomes numb. All these topics are like part of everyday life already. The damage has been done. So what? Im still taking in all the shits ns has to offer me...by myself.

Thank God for great people. But sometimes, somehow, I just dont feel it, or Im unable to anymore. 3 months of mental torment. Its not like in the army where u get whacked inside out. This is mental and emotional damage we're talking about here.

And my BMT is like 4 months. How many people actually go through the toughest shits for 4 months? There are people who enlist later and POP earlier, who are in the army.

I dont know, I dont care anymore..

I feel like breaking down now..

And yes, I didnt last week was mooncake festival, or was it the week before? I also dunno, dont care. Wonderful huh? *AhPek. O_O