Gonna explode (Long post)

Maybe Im not 'destined' to celebrate any holidays or special occassion this year.

IHP in school till 530pm.
Reached home 630pm.
Practiced songs.

7pm plus.
Went to find charcoal. Supposedly at NTUC/7-11, but found some at home.

730pm. Prepared to leave.
Then told no need charcoal, no need guitar.
Took dreadful one hour journey to Bedok. (Super crowded stations heading to town)
Took dreadful bus 17 ride for around 20-30min plus waiting time.

It was 10pm. Was told to alight at 85. But saw no 85.
Ended up at an expressway next to changi general hospital. Simei Ave.
Was informed I didnt not lock the door gate :S
(Thats how tired I am)

It is 1030pm.
Realised bus 17 doesnt go to 85.

Time expected at home: 12midnight
Duration of project rotting and remaining stagnant: 4 hours.

What did I do with 4 hours? Preparation and travelling across Singapore in crowded and overpacked public transport.
What COULD I do with 4 hours? 1-2 pages/functions.

Assignment Date due: 6 days.
Assignment progress: 30%
Report date due: 18 days.
VIVA presentation ETA: 3 weeks.

As I stood at the bus stop outside changi general hospital, no one saw the tears that came down. Because it was quite dark. You have no idea how it felt. That so much time is wasted. You have no idea how it feels, to balance your life on 'expel from poly' and 'graduation'.

You have no idea, how it feels..to be in school EVERYTIME people are having fun. Being stuck with something balancing life and death, and not being able to be with the people you love.

LOL: School
Breakaway: School
Christmas friday: School
Thanksgiving: School

I know Im not a good celgrp member. I know all these while Ive been missing. Ive been 'backsliding'. Im sorry and I really hope you guys will forgive me.

Christmas without christmas, new year without new year. Is that the price to pay for education? Pretty dumb isnt it.

Im not gonna say programming is a curse anymore. Im not gonna give excuses anymore. And Im not gonna blame anyone for what happened the past few weeks, and today. The only one responsible is me, for not being smart enough, for not being more Informationally Technological enough.

If only I had passed my previous year..I wouldnt be in this state. I wouldnt have to be stuck with IHP and programming for another year. I would be in NS now, and ORDing in 2009. But I know its no use bringing back the past..God's ways are higher. Everything happens for a reason.

Every week I hang out with them..I feel I dont deserve friends like them. I really dont. I dont deserve to be a celgrp guitarist, neither do I deserve to be under a great leader. I feel as if Ive cheated everyone, taken advantage of everyone and instead of making people around me happy, Ive done the opposite...Yet God has blessed me with so much.

Why God? Why me? Im not the best person out there..God there are so many people smarter than me, more talented than me, more good looking, more rich, more popular and all that..Why would you use someone like me? Why would you bless someone like me? You blessed me with great friends and yet I failed to look after them.

Every week I meet them, I feel so guilty, for always MIA-ing. Please forgive me for not being a good steward, a good friend, a good servant.

On the way home, many people are in a celebrative mood. Either with their clicks or with their families or with their partners. Because I prepared and left for thanksgiving, I could not attend the dinner @ Fish n Co. with my parents. Only to realise that I wasted 4 hours..and instead, I just feel Ive hurt more people than I hurt myself.

Not only that, now I feel as if Ive hurt my parents. They got a free coupon for me @ Fish n Co. I really thank God for such great parents, not only have I disappointed my celgrp, Ive disappointed my parents by not going. All these while Ive been nothing but disappointments to everybody.

Almost every other night, I would cry myself to sleep. Thinking about my celgrp, thinking about my parents, thinking about people God has placed in my life. And this is how I treat them..I really dont know what to do...

Im tired. Pimples are coming out all over my face. My lips are cracking due to the lack of water, my eyes are now one red, one normal. My left eye is smaller than my right eye now. I just hope an ulcer wont break forth or a migraine.

I just wish everything would just end right now..but I know it wont. I will do my best to stand firm in this period of transition...