combined cg

man..today's cg was awesome! haha..feels like 'family reunion' lol! E420 combined with E110! :)) seeing my bro rising up to be a cg guitarist, i jus feel so happy for him. all this while, even though we have disagreements at times, i have always respected him. ive always seen him as someone who can do greater things than me.

even though im the elder one, i always lower myself to someone who's willing to serve him. someone who's willing to learn from him. and i must admit, GUYS especially find it hard to remove their pride and ego. but ive come to a point where ive mastered it. :) ive always told myself that there is something i can learn from him..

ppl will tell me, 'u got problem isit? ure smarter, more this, more that than him', i will strangle anyone who tells me that. ill take a bowling ball and smash your head until i can sweep it into a dustpan and dump it into a dustbin!

i have never seen myself as smarter or more good looking, or more successful or more anointed than him. in my eyes, my younger bro will always be someone i will look up to. i know of people who love to compare me and him, just watch out you dont do that in front of me. you wont want to see me 'fired up'.

i remember the times when i lay on my bed, and all i thought of were the times i caused harm to him, times when ive mad him feel sad or angry..and i would cry myself to sleep. it always moved me how God can take someone insignificant and make him a somebody. everytime i think of it, i would just end up in tears. ive always looked down on him, ive always wanted everything for myself, yet, through all those painful memories, God taught me how to humble myself and to esteem others better than myself even though they dont deserve it.

i remember those times when i would ask him for forgiveness in the middle of the night, in tears, i have never told myself i was right, never have..never will. same goes for all those whom im close to. part of who i am now, is a result of who i am not, in the past.

for those who dont know me well, im someone who keeps to myself, not that i dont now, but last time it was worse. i didnt like people. when im angry, ive always wanted to show im strong by blasting out. running from home, slamming doors, taking the kitchen knife and wave in front of my parents and brother, many suicidal tendencies, violent, rageful, aggressive, merciless..

i was saddistic. i loved to see people hurt, i loved to see them cry, i loved to see blood on their hands, legs, anywhere on them. when someone bullied me, id resort to revenge. i didnt stop until i see them cry out, or until i see them bleed. id pick up furniture in my house and throw them around, slam doors till the lock breaks, slam cabinet doors till they drop..attempted to murder my own family and myself with them..

u cant believe, u cant even picture it. now..by the grace of God, im the exact opposite. you wanna talk about my life testimony? this is my life testimony. yet everytime when i think of those things, ive always cupped myself with my pillows and blanket and cry till i sleep. and i still do once in awhile. in my tears, ive always asked myself, what would happen, what would i become if not for God?

what would happen to my family and the people around me, if not for God? there are still times when ive felt i didnt deserve my parents' love, times when ive felt i didnt deserve God's love, times when ive felt i didnt deserve the love from anyone. sometimes people see me in my emo state, is not because im angry, or upset..

its because of those memories that made me feel that way, behave that way. i would never forget the time i shouted to my dad "you are the worse dad in the whole world, you're not fit to be a father!" or the same thing to my mother, my brother. and in return i would say it to myself and i would struggle with suicidal tendencies.

those times when id beat up my parents until my mum and dad cried..im actually tearing just typing this...

i dont think i can blog anymore...