Turning point.

on wed night. chatted with huixin till 530-6am. glad she came today, even though it seemed as if she didnt wanna talk. think i shouldnt be to nosey and be a busybody anyway.

prayer meeting was awesome. i missed those and im glad i was there.

service was good today, but could be better. was kinda surprised we ended early. the 3-4 of us after svc went to bedok first, the rest came later.

fellowship started pretty well. until ppl started leaving.

ive always told myself, as long as there's one person, ill stay till the end, no matter how late. i had to wake up 5am later. and i stay at boonlay. but im always going the extra mile. but it seems no one ever noticed.

'wow, u all leaving already?' WHY THE HECK DO YOU THINK IM SITTING DOWN WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS STANDING??? AM I INVISIBLE? oh i am..i always was. so its ok.

WHILE EVERYONE LEFT, WHY AM I STILL THERE? AM I A PROP IN THE BACKGROUND??? oh i am..i always was. so its ok.

WHY DO YOU THINK IM TALKING TO YOU? PARTICULARLY MY CG MEMBER..AM I RETARDED AND ANTISOCIAL? oh i am..i always was. so its ok.

at first there was..2, plus me, 3. then it became 2. then it became 1. the 2nd last one, disappeared shortly after the majority left. the last one didnt disappear..the last one went to the 'other side'.

to be left behind is one thing..to be outcasted is another. but both..is my limit.

why am i doing all this? its because i know how it feels to be there by yourself. and i always tried my best to be there. i didnt want anyone to feel left out. i didnt want anyone to go through the hurt and pain i went through.

even though the celgrp doesnt seem to be there, i always tried to be that whole celgrp..

due to my insomnia and irregular sleeping patterns, (i dun tink anyone even knew i had insomnia), im tired everyday, plus travelling distance, sometimes when i doze off on the train, i would feel nauseous and sometimes giddy. (i dun think anyone knew this as well) and i ended up late to queue today. i was e only one.

u might think, 'you cant even do a simple thing'. and yes i used to have some problems with me going to the toilet. IS IT SOMETHING FOR YOU TO JOKE ABOUT??? just because i have financial difficulty and some 'personal issues', does that mean....................................

is ministry more important than relationship?

wayne was the only one to INSTANTLY realised something changed in me.

PS: the next few paragraphs i urge you to close the browser. With 1am in the morning and noone to talk to, i have to let it out somehow.

-START-

ended up going home by myself. not even a bye. i was holding back my tears. i went up the train platform boarded the train..was lost in myself for awhile until i heard, 'next stop, tampines'. i didnt even realise i was taking the wrong train for 2 stops...

and on this train, this guy with a fat ass had to occupy his seat, and half a seat on his left and half on his right..i mean cmon, when he stood up..he wasnt really that fat. so what? he has a BIG DICK? big dick means you can occupy one and a half seats isit??? go become eunuch lah! save you the embarrassment..

and the horror is i sat squashed beside him till BOON LAY. OMFG.

then another fatass sitting opposite me. his left and right had one seat each. one pretty girl came with her boyfriend. the girl had to sit squashed beside him while the boyfriend stood. then at e other side of e fatass was an empty seat. i mean..cmon, let the couple sit together lah! you also go become eunuch lah since you no manhood! feel like punching his freaking face.

then next was e stupid bangala on my other side. YOU F*CKING GAY ISIT, SIT SO CLOSE!!! then keep on shake leg...YOU GOT ORGASM ISIT??? when i reach boonlay, everyone was staring at me lah! imagine one row of empty seats on e train. then in e middle is 5 ppl. im in e middle sqaushed by e malay fatass on one side and a bangala gay ass on e other side! i look so damn stupid la...

ya..ya..ill say it now..I GOT MOLESTED BY A BANGALA BEFORE..HAPPY??? i never told anyone..now i tell the whole world okay!?! i stuff nasi babi into your mouth then you know!!!

you think im bluffing abt e molest part? GO KILL YOURSELF LA.

when? dun tell you. how? dun tell you. you my friend meh? i got friends meh?

it took me until jurong east to finally suppress and numb my hurt. so that i wont break down on e train. now i dont feel a thing. i have to serve tomorrow, cannot afford to be bothered by my emotions and hurts.

if u think i angry..no im not. i have problems expressing anger ever since an incident back home. as a result, my only way is to bury and numb my hurts it like a tranquilizer. bury it deep down where no one can salvage. so i dun hurt anyone except myself..

damn i dun even know why im revealing all my private and personal secrets/issues....

-END-

sometimes i rememeber those times when i would go to another celgrp to play during PnW for them. somehow id always feel so belonged and so loved. and i had friends there. sometimes i wish i could stay there..

even though sometimes i might be the oldest there, apart from e cgl...or the youngest one. id always be happy and smiling and those experiences became memories that i remember and treasure even now...

my most memorable experience was playing for a chinese national celgrp. even though i couldnt speak fluently nor catch the mandarin behind their accent, i loved the fellowship. what touched me most was..even though they didnt have much, even though its just a simple celgrp, but its warmness and simplicity, mixed with love and passion really touched me..

they didnt have PnW the way we do, they didnt have refreshments/games e way we did..yet i felt as if i was a part of it. in 2006, ive been making 'trips' to different celgrp. and for some reason, all of them gave me memories that i loved and treasure..

im considering now for a 'change'. i dun really know. i dun feel anything now. im still numbed. i wanna play for another celgrp sometime soon..

...a longing for love...