Self Realization (Long Post)

Many times I talked about having the right friends determine your destiny. And Ive been reflecting through it, that all these while, I was making the very mistake I shared about.

I began to see my life, the people around me, those whom I pressed in, all the time, its always me going "Boo!", "Yo!", "Heyyy", "Haaarlooo", very seldom, people even bother to do the opposite by being the first to msg me, call me, or anything like that.

Sometimes, I feel silly, other times, I feel neglected and unloved. Like, are all these 'friends' DEAD? Why is it so hard to even have a reaction from you?

As a result, because of some 'friends', my christian walk has stagnated, 'diverted', etc. It wasnt healthy for me. Many times I would feel confused, should I withhold my finances? Yet God will speak to me through the sermon on the mount, "And do not withhold from anyone who borrows..." That I should be a lender and not a borrower.

And other times, when I feel that Im always the one pressing in, being involved in other people's lives, and I feel tired and depressed, I would think that just ignoring these people is better, it will just make me happier. Yet God will again remind me, "Obedience is greater than sacrifice".

Thats why I kept on giving, pressing in, loving, giving my time, giving my energy, etc. Because I love God and I wanna be obedient to Him. People say, I should, for once care about myself. Well, its good that I should, yet at the same time, what would my life be if I've always cared about myself instead of caring for others?

I wouldnt be the Andrew I am today.

Ive learnt to have the 'Spare Heart' mentality. That yes, I will still reply people, I will still give my best to encourage, to provide, etc, I will still give my all, my whole heart to that person...

YET...

I will always keep within me a 'Spare Heart'. Knowing that some people are just out there to steal away my heart, to 'make use' or to benefit from my sacrifices, and I know it can lead me to depression. Therefore, this year, Ive decided. Ill give everyone my 'many' hearts. (Its like a duplication of my WHOLE heart, haha)

Whether you return my heart to me, its none of my business. Its between you and God because you are holding onto something that doesnt belong to you, my time, my energy, my sacrifice. Hahaha.

I will still keep a Spare Heart within me, and not be bothered or affected by those who ARENT around me. That way, Im still able to give my heart, my all, my attention, my love, my sacrifices, to those who ARE around me. :D

You're still welcome to come back. You're still welcome to approach me. But Ive decided. I wont take you seriously. Ill just give you what you want. :D Its pretty simple, whatever you sow into my soil, you'll reap from it. Whatever you dont, well, you can go sow somewhere else :)

I believe that the things Ive sown, I will reap. I know that God is a good God. And He repays accordingly. :D So its okay, ultimately, Im accountable to God. And Ive learnt to fear God more than men. :D

This year, Im gonna take my relationships to another level.

I dont wanna a smart alec anymore. Where God leads me, I will go. When its time to cling, Ill cling. When its time to let go, Ill let go. At the same time, when God doesnt move, I dont. I just learn to be happy and enjoy every moment, with anyone, wherever I am :D

This is what we call...BALANCE. (Ive learnt that the hard way. lol. Ive been so exposed to hypocrites every now and then, its pretty easy now to tell who is and who isnt. ;) Afterall, Ive been a little 'too' immersed into them the past one year :S)

Many people have convicted me by saying that I should be more wise. And I wanna take every opportunity I can to grow, so Im learning my own limits and all...:)

For those who want me to be a better person, Ill do my best not to let you down, just tell me what I need to do. :) Im no longer gonna waste my time on people who dont need me, when there in fact are those who have invested their lives into me.

If Im always distracted by the negative, wont I be a bad steward then?

I wanna make sure that as much as I believe that we should all press into each other's lives, I dont wanna let those who have pressed into mine, down. Because Ive grown to know how it feels like.

Again, I dont wanna sound self-centred, yet Ive learnt the importance of balance.

Even Jesus Himself, withdrew from certain people. Does it mean He still doesnt love them? Of course not. Whenever they turned to Him, He would be filled with compassion. And knowing that they're just there for their needs, after feeding/healing them, He departs with His disciples, those who are genuine and serious about following Him. ;)

God is a gentleman, He doesnt force Himself on us. ;)

Just a sidetrack...while chatting with Evangeline I came across an interesting revelation.

How God expresses His love for me, reflects my true love language. :O

OKAY!!! Before you even say anything, I just wanna say, I DONT KNOW to what extent this is true! HAHAHA. But Im just sharing as it came across my mind :D lol.

You see...

In my life..

God hardly sends people to serve me, in fact, I admit I feel shy whenever people wanna 'serve' me or treat me with 'intense respect' lol. Seeing that, AoS is my LOWEST love language. :O

Now, for PT, as much as I feel 'deprived' in this area, I realized God doesnt send, or rather, HARDLY sends anyone to give me a hug. Aww. The last time He did it was in the last service of the year. Once in awhile, people give me a good shrug at the shoulders, etc. Afterall, God knows me better than I know myself.

For GG, Ive seen a fair share of those. I mean, just look at my room. One board full of cards of people Ive received since day 1 I came to church. lol. Im quite a sentimental person and even God agrees. :D Ive mixed this one with PT as well. But God seemed to show me they're swopped and that Im a little more GG than PT :O

True? Im still discovering myself haha. Cus hardly anyone give me PT to begin with, so I dont know to what extent PT fills my love tank :(

Next is QT. Now, I dunno, but Ive always thought this was my primary love lang. Later Ill explain why I think God is showing me that it isnt. No doubt that whoever I spends time with, I tend to build one of the closest relationships with, yet time and time again, God has put this area to the test, as some of you know, I always end up ... well ... 'alone'.

Now, the ultimate revelation of my love language...FROM GOD HIMSELF...

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

After all Ive gone through, this is one area that kept me surviving and staying strong. Evangeline made me realize, that God's way of intimacy with me, which sometimes Ive overlooked...its through WOA. What examples do you say?

One word: REVELATIONS.

When all else have failed!
When friends have left!
When no one hugs!

One thing God has given to me, is REVELATION. Powerful.
Words of affirmation!

I know that Im affected when people dont reply, when they stay away, or when they totally disappear, when there is no interaction. My love tank doesnt need to drain from a person's life by being offended, just leave it alone and it will drain by itself :O

Similarly, I know God loves me, because He speaks to me. :)

This is how God has shown that He loves me.
This is how Ive felt so close to God.
Every single day, my love whispers secrets into my ears.

The very words that bring life and encouragement.

God, thank you for being so loving and romantic with me.
Even though for the past year, Ive failed to realize how much You loved me.
Yet You kept on pouring, You kept on speaking. Thank You so much.
Lord, I will treasure every moment I have with You,
I will treasure every Word that You've spoken to me.
That truly whatever You have spoken, it shall not return to You void. :)

Lord, do a new thing, in 2010! :)