Broken...

every friday, ill be fasting and praying for a breakthrough in my ministry, in my own personal life and for e celgrp.

im so angry, yet so broken...i dont know what to do...

i spent an hour plus building up the atmosphere, because i really really so long for the Holy Spirit to sow up in my room and speak to me and change my life.

but just now, my brother came into my room when i was in e toilet...and DESTROYED THE ATMOSPHERE THAT TOOK ME AN HOUR PLUS TO BUILD WITH HIS STUPID MAPLESTORY!!!!!!!!!! (*($*#()*$)(#*(@#@

i almost blew up and whacked him...but i know i couldnt bring myself to do that.

so there i was...alone in my room. atmosphere and presence of God is gone. all my efforts, all my seeking after God...resulted in nothing!!!! T_T

i was so sad, so broken, i began to break down and cried and cried. "God i need you..."

what can i do? what can i say? even as i type this i wiped my tears away, yet the thought of losing God's presence dawned on me again...i jus couldnt stop crying. it feels as if the Holy Spirit has left my room...and im all alone....lost and helpless...

what am i gonna do now? its all ruined...all ruined. and i have to leave for ministry soon...

mebbe next time i should tie a live wire around my door knob and electrocute him to death...

i feel so sad...broken...crushed....my own brother....took away that which meant my life my all.
feels as if hes with Satan and not God. i feel holy anger, yet theres nothing i could do.

worse still, jus received an sms that there was an error in my roster. so im going back to cafe and childrens' church. WHY?? WHY??? WHY?? could a shift in e presence of God cause so much to happen!?!?!?! my brother has not given me anything but have taken everything...

yet im thankful that Jesus still loves me. He is the reason i live, the reason i sing, the reason i give. even if everyone and/or everything is against me in this world...one thing that il treasure the most, if that Jesus loved me.

though i may be imperfect, though i may fail, though i did so many things that hurt Him, yet He still loves me with an everlasting love...

what can i do, to repay Him? what can i do to make up for the biggest sacrifice that He gave on the cross...? there is nothing i can do, but give Him my heart, my life, my all.

Lost in You alone, it's where i wanna be.

Where can i go from Your presence? Under your wings I take refuge. Can't live a day without Your presence, closer to You I wanna be...

My soul cries out...for more of you...theres nobody else that can take your place in my heart...